Love Sees More 3: Greyback's Pack

Chapter 19 – Broken

Everything felt swimmy. It reminded Remus of waking up with a rather bad flu he'd had when he was little. Remus was pretty sure he wasn't moving - he thought he was laying down on something soft - but it felt like he was. His head was dizzy, even though he wasn't doing anything to make it that way. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought he just spent a minute spinning around in a circle.

Remus blinked his eyes open. His vision was blurry, so he squinted and blinked some more until it cleared. Then he was greeted with a very welcome sight - the ceiling in the sitting room of number twelve, Grimmauld Place. He had almost been fearing that he'd be in the hospital, so he was very happy to see that he was still at home. There wasn't anywhere else he wanted to be at that moment.

"Moony." Sirius's voice was relieved.

Remus looked around and realized that he was on one of the sofas, a soft pillow from his bed under his head, and a warm blanket tucked in around him. That was soft, too, nothing at all like the sorry excuses for blankets that Greyback had provided him with. Remus curled a hand into the fabric, and turned his head to the left, savoring the feel of things he used to take for granted.

Just to his left, Sirius sat on the floor, watching him closely. There was a book propped open on his lap, but Remus rather doubted that he'd been reading a word of it. Knowing Sirius, he might have been sitting there for hours, staring at Remus intently and waiting for him to wake up.

"Padfoot," Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled, his relief growing. "You scared the hell out of me."

"Well, that makes two of us."

"Here," Sirius said, getting to his knees and letting his book drop to the floor. He reached to the end table behind Remus's head, and Remus could hear the sound of liquid pouring. A moment later, Sirius slipped one arm under Remus's shoulders, lifting him up a bit. He brought a glass of water to Remus's lips with his other hand. "Drink. You're dehydrated."

Remus did as he was told, and at first, it burned. His might have been drinking acid for all he knew, because it felt like his throat was on fire. He grimaced and pulled away.

"There're painkillers mixed in with it," Sirius said, pressing the glass against his mouth again. "It'll feel better in a moment."

Reluctantly, Remus took another sip. He shut his eyes tightly, anticipating the pain, but this time, there was none. The water felt cool and soothing on his throat, and then he realized just how thirsty he really was. He drank more, finishing nearly the entire glass before pulling away.

Sirius let him back against the pillows, replacing the glass on the end table. "Feel better?"

The room was still spinning, but at least the pain had faded. Remus nodded.

"Madam Pomfrey was here," Sirius said, settling back down on the floor. "We Floo'd her straightaway, and she fixed this-" he laid a tender hand over Remus's stomach, "-in no time. It about gave me a heart attack when I saw it, but she said it wasn't nearly as bad as it looked. It bled quite a bit, but the damage to you was minimal. Although if you got them how we think you did-"

"Greyback," Remus interjected.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, in which case, it might hurt for a while, and it's going to scar."

That angered Remus, that Greyback had forever put any kind of mark on him, but he tried not to let it show. "A few more, no matter," he said nonchalantly. "Besides, Harry seems to have gotten the idea from you that girls think scars are sexy."

"Some of them do."

"None of the ones I've ever met."

"You just haven't met the right one, is all."

"Right," Remus said sarcastically.

"Madam Pomfrey said your biggest problem was the dehydration," Sirius said, getting back on the topic at hand. "She gave you a Replenishing Potion while you were out of it, but I'm under strict orders to make sure you're getting enough to drink once you wake up. It's the only reason she let you remain here instead of demanding you be taken to the hospital wing."

"Thanks, Padfoot," Remus said. "That's all I wanted, to come home."

Sirius smirked. "I know, me too. You should have seen me half the time you were gone." He paused for a moment, appearing deep in thought. "Then again, it's probably a good thing that you didn't see me. I was a bit of a wreck, not knowing what was going on with you."

"You were a wreck?"

"I know," Sirius conceded. "It was nothing compared to what you were going through, but still…I've missed you."

That was nice to hear. Of course, Remus knew that Sirius had missed him, but it was still nice to be reminded of that, of how much he was loved and needed. "Me too." But then something occurred to Remus, something that forced him into a sitting position. The room started to spin anew around him, but there was only one thing he cared about, and it certainly wasn't how he was feeling. "Althea - where's Althea?"

Sirius was on his knees once again. He gently put his hands on Remus's shoulders, pushing him back down to the couch. "She's fine, but you need to lay down."

"Where is she?" Remus asked again, settling back comfortably into his pillow. He wanted nothing more than to see her, to make sure she was okay, but he knew Sirius was right; if he tried to stand up, he was sure he would keel right over.

"Dumbledore was here," Sirius explained, getting comfortable on the floor again. "He didn't think it prudent to tell her the location of the house yet, so he took her to Hogwarts-"

"The battle-"

"Is over. They found out how the Death Eaters got in-"

"Through a Vanishing Cabinet."

"Yeah," Sirius said. "They've managed to secure the castle. It's not in the best of shape, but it's useable."

"We didn't lose anyone, did we?"

"No." Sirius paused for a very long time, biting his lip.

"What?"

Sirius sighed heavily, looking down at his lap and playing with his hands. "Apparently, Greyback got really angry after you got away." He looked up at Remus apologetically, like what he was about to say could be his fault in any way. "He attacked Bill."

"He's not-"

"No, no one's dead," Sirius repeated before Remus could ask the full question. "But Greyback kind of…mangled his face." He scowled. "He's fine, he'll be fine, but werewolf wounds-"

"Are cursed. And scar."

"Yeah."

"Damn it," Remus muttered. He pressed a hand over his eyes, almost wishing that the last two months had never even happened. Then again, he wouldn't have had the chance to save either Harry or Althea, and they were definitely both worth it. Remus just wished he hadn't caused other people to be hurt in the process. "Maybe I should have killed him after all."

Sirius's eyebrows went up, and he briefly tilted his head back. "I can't believe you would say that."

"What?" Remus snapped. "Wanting to kill people for hurting my friends?" He didn't know why he was getting angry, but being questioned about his motives bothered him. After all, Sirius had no idea what he had just been through, and Remus had no doubt that if he did, he'd want to kill Greyback just as much.

"Yes."

"I think you're forgetting about Peter," Remus said bluntly. "I was more than ready to kill him for what he did to James, Lily, Harry, and you. I would have, too, if Harry hadn't decided to be noble about it. Are you forgetting that you were ready to kill him right along with me?"

"No," Sirius said softly, not wanting to upset Remus any further, "but have you forgotten what you told me about that night in the Shrieking Shack? We talked about that when Dumbledore sent me to your house that summer after the Triwizard Tournament. It was the first time that we really got a chance to talk about everything that had happened - in person, anyway - and you said that as much as you'd wanted to kill Peter in that moment, you were glad Harry stopped us. That people like Peter aren't worth becoming murderers over. Not in that way - not when the would-be victim is alone and unarmed. Self-defense is one thing, but killing purely for vengeance is entirely another." When Remus didn't reply, Sirius spurred, "Would it have been in self-defense?"

Remus frowned down at his hands, trying to pick at some of the dirt that had long since settled under his fingernails. He kind of hoped that Sirius would forget about this conversation, but he was still sitting there on the floor, staring at Remus and waiting for an answer. Remus sighed, still keeping his gaze fixed on his hands. "No. Obviously not since I got away by hurting him just enough. I had him injured and trapped, and I could have killed him if I'd wanted to. With my bare hands. But I didn't. I left him laying there…hurting, but still very much alive."

"Killing him wouldn't have changed what happened to Bill," Sirius said carefully.

"I know that!" Remus was much too tired to be having conversations like this. He just wanted to go back to sleep, but he knew that Sirius would never let it go now. "I didn't kill him, because I'm not that kind of person. Or I didn't used to be."

"You're still not that kind of person," Sirius reminded him. "The fact that you left Greyback laying there after all this proves that. You're just angry about Bill. Don't get the two confused."

Remus felt tears prickling at his eyes. Partially because he was grateful that Sirius was being so forgiving about the way Remus kept raising his voice, but partly for another reason entirely. "I just keep thinking that as soon as he's able, Greyback is going to go right back to hunting down children. How many more people are going to have to suffer because of him? And I could have stopped him once and for all."

"Don't, Moony," Sirius said gently, shaking his head. "You know I wished many times that I had killed Peter after all, because that would have prevented Voldemort from coming back and Merlin only knows what else. You were the one that always told me that things like that aren't my - or anyone else's - responsibility. Even if we could have stopped them, they make their own choices and it's their faults. Not ours, and especially not because we didn't stoop to their levels."

Remus nodded reluctantly. "I know you're right." He let out a humorless laugh. "Why are we our own worst critics?"

"We're only human."

Remus disagreed with that, but he didn't say anything. He really didn't want to drag out this discussion any more than absolutely necessary. Once he had a decent night's sleep, they could beat the subject into the ground all they wanted, but not now.

"Besides," Sirius went on, "Dumbledore knew full well what Greyback was like before you went there. He never asked you to kill him, nor would he ever."

"I didn't do a whole lot of what he did ask me to do."

"How can you say that?" Sirius asked incredulously.

Remus stared at Sirius like he had a hippopotamus balancing on his head. "He sent me there as a spy," Remus hissed. "I didn't learn any earth-shattering secrets about the Death Eaters. I just wasn't there long enough," he finished miserably.

"You're crazy."

"What?"

Sirius leaned back, propping himself up with his hands. "Did it ever occur to you that the most important thing you could have done while you were there is exactly what you did do?"

"What might that be?"

"Moony!" Sirius cried. "You saved Harry's life! Tell me, what on the face of the earth is more important than he is?"

Remus knew he would always wonder if he could have done more, helped their side more if he had been able to stay at the compound longer, but he knew Sirius was right. "Nothing."

Sirius waved his hand and smiled smugly. "It may not have been what you were sent there to do, but all the secrets about the Death Eaters in the world would never equate to saving Harry. He told me what happened. If you hadn't been there with the Death Eaters, they would have cornered Harry, and who would have been there to save him then? No one knew where he was, and we were all suitably distracted by other Death Eaters. They would have easily gotten him back to Voldemort, just like they planned." Sirius snorted in amusement. "You were the part that they didn't plan on."

Remus could feel his cheeks growing warm. "Oh, I think Bellatrix saw me coming a mile away. She kept screaming at Greyback the entire time about how I wasn't to be trusted. Once it was over, I'm willing to bet that she ran straight to Voldemort to tell him how it was all Greyback's fault, and how she knew that I wasn't loyal to them all along."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "My ruddy cousin. I have to give it to her though. I suppose this proves that she does have at least a couple brain cells in that otherwise empty head of hers."

"Greyback wouldn't stand for it, though," Remus said, shifting around on the sofa to try and relieve the ache that was starting to creep into his back. "He liked me well enough to put her in her place whenever she tried to blow my cover."

"Oh? I'm sorry I missed it then. I would have liked to see that. I don't think I've ever seen her be put in her place before…" Sirius said regretfully, pressing a finger to his thoughtfully.

"You would have been too freaked out over Harry to notice what they were bickering about," Remus said knowingly.

Sirius paused for a while before replying. "This is true."

Remus snickered, and that felt good. It was nice to be able to laugh again, to talk to his best friend for the first time in months, to know that he never had to go back to that hellhole ever again. He was home now, and things would be okay again.

A moment later, Sirius's expression turned somber once again, and he leaned in closer to Remus. "Thank you, by the way."

Closing his eyes, Remus shook his head. "You don't have to thank me for anything. He's just as important to me as he is to you. You know that, and I know you're right. Even if nothing else came out of this, I still would have done it for Harry. All of it, without even thinking twice." It was then that Remus realized he hadn't seen Harry seen he'd been back at number twelve, Grimmauld Place. "Is he here?"

"Mhm," Sirius hummed. "He went upstairs to lay down, he was so exhausted. I looked in on him a little bit ago, and he was sound asleep. He wanted me to come and wake him when you woke up, but…"

"Let him sleep," Remus interrupted. "Almost getting eaten by Greyback takes a lot out of you." He'd meant it as a joke, but it didn't quite come out that way. He sounded bitter, and Sirius knew it. He opened his mouth to respond, but Remus went on before he could speak. "He needs the rest. I do want to see him, but we'll have plenty of time to talk later." After a moment, he added, "I want to see Althea, too."

"And you will," Sirius reassured. "As soon as you start feeling better, you can go and see her. Dumbledore said she can stay at Hogwarts for a while. I think he wants to keep an eye on her."

"We can trust her. I promise."

"Well, he's just met her," Sirius reminded, "and she's just come from Greyback's pack. Of course he's a little leery of her."

"She saved my life." Sirius looked up at him, waiting for him to go on, so Remus continued. "Of course, if not for her, I wouldn't have gone back there in the first place, but…" Remus trailed off, his head starting to hurt from trying to comprehend all the variables. He shook his head and said, "Anyway, I convinced her to come with me, but then Greyback showed up. He was going to attack me, but she stopped him. She grabbed him, and tripped him, and told me to run for it. Of course, if you do that - interfere in one of his meals - that makes him angry, and she knew it. Not to mention, she was showing him that she was loyal to me and not to him. She knew he was probably going to kill her for it, and she did it anyway. She was willing to die so that I could get out."

"But of course," Sirius said knowingly, "you couldn't just leave her there."

Remus hummed in agreement. "Greyback turned on her, so I attacked him. That's how I got this," he said, gesturing to his stomach. "But she distracted him, and he went after her again. I tripped him, and then I managed to bang his head into the ground before he could get up. It incapacitated him long enough for us to get away." He let out a breath of surprise. "I'm not even sure how I managed to Apparate, because the world was turning every which way, and my vision was going black…"

"Neither was Madam Pomfrey," Sirius added. "When she saw the state you were in, she said you were lucky you didn't splinch yourself or Althea."

"I don't know if I've ever been so determined in my life," Remus answered. "That is the most important part of Apparition, after all. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and come home. More than I've perhaps ever wanted anything in my entire life."

For the very first time since he had gone to live with the werewolves, Remus started to feel completely and totally calm, almost like his old self again. There had been times while he had been inside the compound when he had feared that that part of him was gone forever, just one of the casualties of going there in the first place. At that moment, however, it felt like he might be able return to his normal life almost easily.

Remus let out a relieved breath, pressing his head comfortably into the pillow and closing his eyes. He felt very tired all of a sudden, and he thought he would nap for a while. Sirius, however, had other ideas.

"I've never wanted anything more than for you to come home, either," Sirius said in a very quiet tone, like he knew Remus was trying to sleep and he was trying hard not to disturb him too much. "And I'm glad you have. I'm not sure you could have handled much more."

Remus's eyes flew open, and he glared at Sirius. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius eyes widened a bit, like he was completely surprised that Remus might take offense at his words. Sirius put up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Nothing! Just that…you've been a bit of a mess since you've been there."

Just like that, Remus no longer felt tired, but angry. It was growing again, the brief moment when he had been calm quickly becoming a fleeting memory. "Yes, I have," Remus huffed, "but don't think for one second that I couldn't have done it longer. From the moment I gave Albus my word, I was prepared to stay there for as long as possible if that's the way it had gone. Yes, it was hard, and yes, I'm adjusting to being back, but I could have handled it just fine. I wouldn't have cracked up then, and I'm not cracking up now."

"I didn't say you were!"

Remus sat up, and he was relieved that the room was no longer spinning. Sirius reached out for his shoulders, trying to force him back down to the sofa, but Remus shrugged them off. "I'm fine," Remus snapped. "Look, I told you before that this is going to be an adjustment for me. It's going to take some time before I'm back to my old self, but what I need more than ever is your support-"

"And you've got that!" Sirius interrupted.

"Then kindly quit making comments about how I'm a mess!" Remus snapped. "You think I don't know that? You think it doesn't make me feel worse to know - to be reminded - how different I'm acting? Which part of that is 'supportive' to you, Sirius?"

Sirius diverted his gaze to his lap. He didn't say anything.

"I just need you to be patient with me," Remus added, trying to control his tone. "I promised you that once I came home for good, that I would be myself again. And I will be. But I just can't flip a switch and make myself that way overnight. There's some things I need to work through - like the fact that I let someone die and I did nothing to stop it, all in the interest of proving my loyalty to Greyback."

Sirius looked up in alarm before frowning deeply. "What?"

Remus ignored the question. The last thing he wanted was to repeat the story of how Talon had died. Remus wasn't even sure why he had brought it up. He hadn't intended to; it had just come out before he could stop it. Actually, now that he thought about it, the thing he wanted the most in the world was a bath. Thinking about what had happened to Talon simply made his skin crawl, and he some crazy idea that he could wash it off. Besides, he was filthy. He hadn't had a bath in nearly two months, and perhaps having one would be the first step in making him feel normal again.

Shaking his head, Remus pushed his blanket aside and started to stand up.

"You really shouldn't-" Sirius tried to protest, reaching his hands out again, but Remus wouldn't have it.

"I just need a bath right now," Remus said, getting to his feet. He paused for a moment, almost expecting the world to start tilting every which way, but it remained surprisingly stationary. "I can't lay here like this anymore," he said, gesturing to the sofa. "I feel absolutely disgusting, and I think that's making me more irritable. I think I'll feel much better once I'm clean."

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but when Remus turned and started to walk from the room, he closed it again. He still watched Remus go, and called to him just before he crossed the threshold.

"Moony?" When Remus stopped and looked at him, Sirius continued, "I don't think you're cracking up. At all. I just worry about you."

Remus smiled, a tiny little gesture that didn't reach his eyes. "I know, but there's no need to. You should know I never break a promise. I will be the Moony you know and love eventually. Just like I told you I'd come back. I think it saved my life, you know. That promise. There was moment where I wanted to just give up, but I knew I couldn't let you down. Not when I promised you I'd come back."

They stared at each other in silence for a while, and Sirius smiled a little bit in return. "So you can bug me about falling into curtains for the rest of my life, hm?"

"Exactly."

"Call me if you need something, okay? And how about if I bring you a tray of food?"

Just the mention of food made Remus's stomach recoil and tie itself into a million little knots. He honestly didn't know if he'd ever feel like eating again. He shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat something-"

"I said I'm not hungry!" Remus yelled. He didn't know why Sirius's offer of food made him so angry. He knew Sirius was just trying to be supportive, exactly what Remus had asked for, but he hated the way that Sirius kept insisting, even after he'd said no. Remus knew he hadn't been eating well, and in addition to being dehydrated, he probably would have been well on his way to being malnourished if he had stayed among the werewolves any longer. Remus also knew he had to start eating better, but he just couldn't bring himself to. Not on the same night that he had left Greyback. He felt like he needed some space from him first. Some time. "I just want a bath and to sleep in my own bed for a while. Maybe in the morning."

Sirius nodded and bowed his head again. He looked like he was battling with himself, like he wanted to say something more, but he was afraid of upsetting Remus again.

That made Remus feel even worse than he already had. He didn't want to keep losing his temper with Sirius, and he didn't want his best friend to start censoring himself. After all, they had been friends long enough to be well past that point. Pretty much anything went between them, and that was the way they liked it. Remus didn't say anything more for fear of getting into another argument, but he clung to the idea of a bath and sleep, and how he might feel better afterwards. Maybe things would start to get back to normal then.

Leaving Sirius alone in the sitting room, Remus turned on his heel and trudged up the stairs. He vaguely remembered the last time he had done so, just after the last full moon. It now felt like a million years ago, and if Remus didn't know better, he would have thought he'd aged at least a decade since then.

When Remus got to the top of the stairs, he didn't waste any time in unclasping his robe and letting it drop to the floor of the hallway. He didn't stop to pick it up, and he didn't care if he ever saw it again. He went to his room, pushing the door open and stepping inside. He hadn't been there at all since he'd gone to live with the werewolves, and it felt strange to him to be there. Almost like he was intruding on something he shouldn't be.

Then he spotted it. The one thing he had been desperately wishing for all night long - his wand, still sitting on his bedside table right where he'd left it. Remus crossed his room to it and picked it up. It was reddish in hue, made from red cedar, and it contained a unicorn tail hair. Ever since he had gotten it, his father had made it a point to remind Remus that unicorns were pure and good. As much as Remus might think he didn't, he had to have those very same qualities for that wand to choose him. Perhaps that was the very reason his Patronus took the form of a unicorn, because he never forgot his father's words, and he always wanted to live up to them. He just didn't know if he was anymore.

The wand felt odd and foreign in his fingers, yet another thing that he wasn't sure he would get used to again. Then his eyes went to his hand, and he realized just how different it looked since the last time he had held his wand. His was so dirty, it was almost black, and his fingernails had started to yellow and had so much dirt under them, he wondered if he'd ever get them clean. The worst part by far, however, was how long they had grown since he'd been away. Not nearly as long as Greyback's, but still much too similar for comfort. Remus let his wand drop back to his bedside table with a clunk, almost like it had suddenly grown hot and burned him.

Remus turned away from the table and unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off and letting it drop to the floor as well. He stepped out of his shoes and started on his trousers next, undoing the button and zipper. He stepped out of them before bending over to peel off his socks. That's the way they came off - they peeled. He had been sweating so much that night, it felt like they had been glued to his feet. He threw them across the room, not caring where they landed.

He went to his wardrobe, pulling it open. For a moment, he didn't want to touch any of his clean clothes. He felt so dirty and like he might contaminate them all if he laid one finger on them. Remus wasn't about to ask Sirius to help him though, so he quickly sorted through his clothing, like it would keep them clean if he kept his contact with them to a minimum. Finally, he closed his hand around what he had been looking for. They were his favorite pair of pajamas - red fleece with grey wolves on them - which had been a Christmas present from Sirius and Harry last year. He thought they would make him feel the most at home.

Remus crossed the hall to the bathroom, closed the door behind him, and set his pajamas down on the hamper. He plugged up the drain in the bathtub before running the water as hot as he thought he could stand it. While he was waiting for the tub to fill, he got a clean washcloth from the cabinet under the sink, setting it down on the edge of the tub. Then he stood and looked at himself in the mirror for a very long time. He needed a shave and haircut horribly. The longer he stood there, the more it became apparent to him that he was starting to resemble Greyback more and more. Groaning, Remus turned away from the mirror, pressing his hand over his eyes and rubbing at them harshly, trying to make that image of himself go away.

He was not like Greyback. He wasn't.

It was then that Remus looked down for the first time and noticed the injury that Greyback had inflicted on him. Madam Pomfrey had cleaned the area, a square of pale white in the middle of his filthy stomach. She had healed it as best she could, but it would indeed scar. Five very pale and curved lines, shaped like crescent moons, one for each of the claws on Greyback's right hand, stood out again his skin. Remus ran a finger over them, once again hating the fact that Greyback had done anything to scar him. They would remain there forever, yet another reminder of everything he had endured over the last two months.

Remus noticed that the bath water was almost to the top, so he quickly reached to shut it off. He wasted no time in shedding his last bit of clothing, his boxer shorts, and letting those fall to the floor, filthy against the pristine white tile. When he stepped into the water, it didn't feel hot at all, but perfectly warm and welcoming. He sunk down into it, leaning his head back against the hard tiled wall, and he sat there for a very long time. He didn't make any move to reach for his washcloth or the bar of soap next to it. He stared at the ceiling, like the pure whiteness of it might somehow make him clean instead. Might somehow make everything normal again. That was all he wanted, to feel normal again, and he wasn't sure that he ever would.

That thought made tears well up in his eyes. He squeezed them shut, hoping to stop them, but it was no use. Even through his tightly closed eyelids, the tears began to pour, falling down his cheeks to drip into the bath water. Realizing that it was a lost cause, he let them come, his sobs seemingly very loud in the otherwise empty and silent room.

He felt broken, so much so that he didn't think he could ever be fixed. He felt wrong, like he didn't even belong in the human world anymore and never would again. And he felt dirty, a feeling that he was sure he wouldn't be able to wash off no matter how hard he scrubbed.

To be continued…