4. In the Circle
MacCready POV
Find You by Evan Duffy ft. Mitch Grassi (Zedd cover)
The past three weeks have been… interesting. To say the least.
At the start, I was a merc for hire. Hadn't had any clients in what seemed like ages. Then, in walks the blonde from the month prior. She'd made a complete one eighty—changing from a sweet innocent to a confident someone you didn't want to mess with. Roaming the Commonwealth with her seemed to prove that more than ever.
About two weeks into our contract, we had found ourselves in a trailer park with a bottle of rum as company. As both of us were nearing the edge of drunk, the subject of her past had gotten brought up. She talked about how she and her family were stuffed into little, individual freezers in Vault 111, and how she had been separated from her baby as her husband was killed before her eyes.
When it became too much to bear, she had rested her head on my shoulder. I was surprised—I'd only known her for a couple weeks. It made me uncomfortable at first, but then I remembered what it had felt like to lose somebody—how I wished I had someone to talk with—so, I let her stay there as long as she wanted. All I could really do was pat her knee—I really didn't know what to say to her.
But with the rum and raw emotions in her system, she had felt defenseless, and fled the trailer where we were taking refuge. I found her in a locked trailer after I got worried she'd taken off or something. After being let in, she ended up telling me that she's 236 years old. Never saw that one coming.
She talked about the things she misses from before the war. She described how horrific it was to come out of the vault and see the world with eyes anew. Her home was destroyed, everybody she knew was dead. The only comfort she had from before was her Mr. Handy.
It's been about a week since she told me all those things at the trailer park. And however improbable, I feel like we've gotten closer since then. It equally makes me happy and scared at the same time.
Even though we've been moving nearly the whole time this week, we're only at Walden Pond. We decided to stay here for a few hours to rest our legs. And since we've left Trailer Estates, I've noticed something on three separate occasions. We'll be walking and I notice she'll give me a sidelong glance. Seeing that I saw her look at me, she looks away as quickly as her head will allow her. I've been wanting to ask her why she's been doing that, but haven't figured out how to bring it up. And as if she has the ability to read my mind, she does it again—the fourth time this week.
Without putting too much thought into it, I just blurt out, "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?" she asks, trying to sound like she doesn't have the faintest idea of what I'm talking about.
"You know," I respond. "Look at me like that. Like you're trying to figure something out, but I keep catching you doing it, so you stop."
"I don't know," she says, looking at the wall above me as we sit across from each other in Thoreau's cabin. "Maybe you're just looking into it too much."
"I don't think I am," I say as I kick her foot lightly, finally getting her attention. She looks at me in an almost cowardly way. Trying for a light tone, as to not scare her, I ask, "Why won't you tell me? I'm just curious."
She looks down, pausing for a second. "Because I'm afraid to tell you." She sighs. "But since you've already noticed…" Looking back at me she continues, "I've been wanting to see if you're disgusted. I know I would be if I were you."
What can she possibly mean by that? "What?" I'm honestly confused.
"I figured you'd be disgusted." She repeats it like it's obvious what she means.
"Disgusted at what?"
"At me."
"At… you?" What does she…? "Why would I be?" I'm completely baffled.
"Because I'm… I don't know." She shakes her head, looking down again. "Old? Weird?
"I'm an ancient artifact from a bygone era. I have memories of things like they were yesterday—things you've only heard about, if you have even heard of them. My life has been flipped upside down with so much family drama. Enough to start a reality show like my grandparents used to watch on the TV.
"Plus, I don't have experience out here. I'm a liability to have around. Any mistake I make could end my life… or yours. And the fact that you've stuck around this long after me telling you my past just… astounds me.
"I just know that if I were in your shoes—a young man raised in this wasteland, used to its ways, and doing well in life—I would not be able to handle me—a woman two centuries out of time, a broken housewife with nothing to call her own… I'd be absolutely disgusted at me, if I were you. So that is what all the looks have been about. I wanted to see if you seemed uncomfortable or grossed out by my presence.
"I wish I was better company for you, really. Instead of this drab, hollow shell that can barely stab her way out of a wet paper bag."
Is that what she thinks of herself? What encouragement I've been… Just say something. Anything.
"I'm… not sure what to say." Really smart, you genius.
"How about a 'you're right, what was I thinking, I'll just be going now.'"
"Um, no. That's not a nice thing to say. And I wasn't thinking anywhere close to that." Just spill it, you coward. "I was wondering why you think that. Apparently, you don't see yourself very clearly."
"Well, those things are true." I can see the anguish in her eyes.
"I don't know about all of them," I say. "But I do know this. I know that you're very good and interesting company. You have stories and experiences that literally nobody else on this earth has. Even the few Pre-War ghouls that are left have different backgrounds and memories. Those are what make you unique. And I know that you are a good fighter. Did you ever wield a knife or gun before the war?"
"No…"
"Then you're really good, Beth. Seeing you drop the first guy in the warehouse back in Goodneighbor was impressive. I had to remember to tell myself not to let my jaw hit the floor."
"That was three weeks ago…" she says, looking shocked. "I'm surprised you remember that."
"Kinda hard to forget," I say. "That was the first life I saw you take. And after seeing shy, quiet Beth, it kind of was something to see."
"Oh," is all she responds with.
Get it over with, I think. "So, that being said… I want to ask for your help." She looks at me like she can't believe what she heard. Continuing, "You've been pretty straight with me, so I'm gonna be straight with you.
"Those idiots that you saw hounding me in the Third Rail—Winlock and Barnes—they've been driving off all my clients since I jumped ship with the Gunners. I couldn't decide if should try to pay them off or just… 'off' them. If I did try to pay them to leave me alone, who's to say they won't just take my caps and put a bullet in my head for good measure?
"They have a small army with them at all times, but if I could get the jump on them, they won't expect it, and it'd be so much easier. …And with two of us, it'd be a cakewalk.
"So I'm asking your for help. I normally don't open up like this, but… you're alright and I trust you. You're good people. You brought me into your circle by telling me about your past. It's about time I bring you into mine. If you want to be, that is. I understand if you don't want to help me with this, but if you do, I will not forget it. I always repay my debts."
For the longest time, she just sits there, thinking about it I assume. After staring holes into my face, she answers, "Let's go kick some bastard butt," and stands as if to leave.
"Right now?" I ask incredulously.
"Why not?" she asks in return.
"Because it's…" I look at my watch, "three in the morning. We haven't slept in a while. And don't we need supplies or something?"
"Who cares about sleep? Besides, it's the best time to go. They're sleeping and it's dark. Plus, we have enough ammo to get at least a few kills," she says. "We can resupply as the death toll increases. Easy."
As I stand to join her walking out of the small cabin, I ask, "What happened to the gloomy, depressed attitude from a few minutes ago?"
"Gone now, I guess," she replies. "I know this really good pep-talker that can motivate even a guy in a van down by the river." She nudges my arm with an easy grin.
"You know I don't understand that reference, right?" I ask, grinning back at her.
"Oh, absolutely. I don't even really know myself." She laughs softly. "It was something my mom learned from her granddad when she was growing up. She passed it down to me. I guess it's one of those things you've always heard but never fully understood." She shrugs.
"Okay, old-timer," I say, earning a confused yet almost scared look. "It's not gross," I say, reassuring her. "It's actually kind of cool. Knowing somebody from before the War that doesn't really look like brahmin jerky. Don't tell Daisy I said that, by the way. I like her too much for her to hate me." I chuckle slightly, relieved to hear Beth's light giggle.
As we keep walking south toward Mass Pike Interchange, she looks at me suddenly and says, "So, I'm in the circle now, huh?"
"I don't know," I respond sarcastically. "Are you?"
"Aren't I?" She questions with a worried look on her face. I can't help but to laugh.
"Yes," I agree. "You're in the circle. As long as I'm in yours." I give her a sideways glare of my own, mimicking her from the past week.
"I think it's kind of obvious I let you in at the trailer park," she looks at me with a look that says it was obvious that night.
"Just making sure," I reply. "So, are we on the road to becoming besties, or whatever it was you people called your friends?" She bursts out laughing the hardest I've ever heard her.
"Besties?" she asks, still laughing.
"I guess," I say. "Unless there was a different name for 'friend' that you'd prefer. I've just heard of that one before."
Still snickering, she says, "No, we can be besties if you want." Another light giggle escapes. "But here." She pulls on my arm to stop my walking. "It's not official until we make it official." She puts her fist out sideways with only her pinky finger extended.
I look at her hand in confusion. "What am I supposed to do with that?" I ask her.
Laughing again, she tells me, "Do this with your hand."
Putting my left fist in front of me, I copy her.
"That won't work! It has to be the same hand. I'm holding out my right, so you hold out your right." As she says this, she takes my right hand and puts it into the same position as hers, playfully slapping my left hand out of the way.
She wraps her pinky around mine while I stare at her like she's nuts. "Do it!" she encourages.
As I wrap my pinky around hers, she smiles at me. "It's official," she says, "Now we're besties." Unwrapping her own hand from mine, she continues the walk south, leaving my confused face behind.
I jog catch up. "Was that some kind of bestie ceremony or something?" I ask, to which she laughs again. "Why is everything so funny?"
"Just never thought I'd hear the word 'bestie' again, least of all from you. Never even thought you knew that term."
"Hey, I know stuff!" I say. "You may be older, Miss Pre-War, but I'm not stupid."
She pauses a second, then says, "Ha, there it is again."
"There what is again?" I ask grumpily.
"Your anger at small things," she simply responds.
Trying my best to get rid of the apparent attitude, I say, "I don't get mad at small things." After being pointed out, I can hear the pouty tone in my voice, accentuating her point further.
"Uh, yeah, you do. Like, all the time. It's kinda funny, to be honest." The smallest of grins appears on her lips.
"Well, I guess that part of my childhood stuck with me," I reply with a sigh.
"What else stuck with you, then?" she asks.
"Why would you want to know?" I question.
"Well, since I'm helping you with this thing, you know some stuff about me, and we're in each other's circles, it wouldn't hurt for me to know some of your backstory."
Damn, she has a point. "Okay. Um… I used to have a bad swearing habit when I was younger."
"Seems to me like you still have it," she replies.
"I haven't sworn once since I started traveling with you," I clarify, a bit of my 'attitude' coming back.
"No, you actually haven't," she half-nods, half-shrugs, confirming this, and continues, "but I notice you stopping yourself and choosing another word instead. I've wondered why you do that but figure it's none of my business, so I never ask."
"You notice everything," I say in truth, although I'm partly stalling to answer.
"Well, I kind of had to notice things with my job. You're speaking with a licensed lawyer, Mister," she looks at me with a proud smile.
"Really? No shi—? Really?" I repeat, not knowing how to else to express my shock without the expletive.
"See?" She points at me. "Did it again. I don't care if you do. Just because I prefer not to swear doesn't mean you can't."
"Yeah, I know…"
"If you'd prefer not to tell me, I'd understand."
"Yeah. It doesn't really matter," I say. Pausing for the slightest second, I continue, "I made a promise to someone. A promise to try and become a better person. So, I try to curve my cursing habit. And I'll tell you it's not easy, having done it my whole life."
"That's noble," she says, after we walk in silence for a few seconds.
"Yeah…" I look down at my boots as I walk on, kicking a small rock out of the way.
I start to think of my son back home, being watched by the Lone Wanderer, Kate, and her husband, Butch. Duncan wouldn't be in Megaton in their care if I didn't trust them, but I'd give anything to have him well enough for me to be home.
"Hey." Beth touches my arm, gaining my attention at once. "You okay?"
"Yeah, why?" I ask, confused.
"You didn't answer me the first two times, so I didn't know if your hearing went out suddenly or something."
I laugh, however convincing. "I'm fine. Had my mind elsewhere, I guess. What'd you want?" I shake my head ever so slightly to clear my thoughts.
She points ahead, "Aren't we getting close?" At the end of her finger lay Mass Pike Interchange, or at least what's left of it.
"Yeah, that's it alright." I spot a Gunner's logo on a yellow lift no more than two hundred meters ahead. "Are you sure you want to help me with this?" I ask again.
"If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. You help me more than you know, so I owe you." She smiles at me with such innocence, there's no way she should exist in this post-nuked world.
I'm momentarily distracted by her stunningly white teeth before I respond. "Uh… you hired me to help you, so you don't owe me anything. This actually throws our 'debt' balance out of whack, so I'm gonna owe you after this."
She turns her back to me, and starts walking toward the interchange again. "No, you won't."
"Yes, I will!" I argue, following behind her.
"Whatever!" she sings out.
We argued back and forth about debt from that point on the road to the very last second before we charged the interchange. She just wouldn't let it go. Two hours later, and we had the interchange completely void of all present and living Gunners.
When the last one drops, I turn to her, a mix of emotions on my face. "Well, we did it," she announces.
"Yeah," I say, blankly and in disbelief.
"They won't be bugging you now, at least. I guess it didn't matter that they drove your clients off before. I mean, I still hired you even after seeing them. And that was back when I was a chicken," she softly laughs, although I can hardly hear it. My head feels like it's swimming. I decide to sit down on the pavement before I fall down. Seeing me, she asks, "Hey, are you okay?" She comes over and kneels down next to me.
"Yeah," I repeat in the same drab tone as before.
"What's wrong?" she asks anyway, knowing this is not my normal behaviour.
"To be honest…" I start, "nothing." I think of Duncan's condition and correct myself, "Well, less than before." I look her in the eyes, letting her observe the relative calm in mine. "Do you know what this means?"
"That they won't be threatening you anymore," she says simply.
"It's more than that," I reply, my voice sounding more peaceful than it has in a long time. "I don't have to be on the lookout for them anymore. I can take jobs wherever and with whoever I want without having to think if it'll get me killed first. I don't have to keep my eyes open while I sleep anymore… Thanks to you." I guess she didn't expect the last three words, because she looks at me with rounded and surprised eyes.
"I could not have done this by myself. I would have gotten killed if I even tried to attempt this alone," I tell her.
"It's no big deal." She says this like it was a walk in the park.
"Kind of was," I disagree, pointing to where she had to inject a Stimpak to stop the bleeding from a laceration. One of the Gunners was wielding a knife and caught her off guard, cutting rather deeply into her left bicep. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to see him," I continue.
"You can't be everywhere at once, Robert. The Stimpak did just fine, so it is not a big deal." Her words started to get more pronounced at the end of her statement, showing her irritation at my argument.
"I feel like I need to be everywhere all at once sometimes," I laugh, however dark the reasoning behind my words. First Lucy, then Duncan, now Beth. I need some Unstoppables powers or something.
"Don't we all," she responds. "Imagine being a fulltime lawyer and mother of an infant son."
"Well, I can't imagine the lawyer part."
"But you can the infant son part?" she asks, skeptically.
"Well, you know, when you grow up in a cave with a bunch of children… I mean, it can't be too far from that, right?" How did I manage to save that?! I try to keep my face cool as to not make it obvious that was a way out of her question.
"Yeah, I guess so." She chuckles, apparently buying it. I sigh internally with relief. She stands from her kneeling position and looks down at me. "You ready to get out of here?"
I think for a second before responding, finally answering with a sound, "No." She looks down at me, confused. "I'm not ready," I clarify. "Can we talk for a minute?"
"Of course." She sits down next to me where she was kneeling a minute ago, her brows knitted together in curiosity.
Just say it. You know you need to. You already started it, MacCready. You can't leave her wondering. Taking a deep breath, I start, "It's been a really long time—seemingly forever—since anybody cared enough about me to help me with something this big—risking their own life to help the improvement of my own. Something you just did for me.
"Three weeks ago, we were complete strangers. We didn't know anything about each other. And yet we've bonded so much over these three weeks—it's unreal. I haven't been… this close… to anyone since I was little. It's a little unsettling, to be honest—but only because I'm not used to it. I'm not saying I don't like it. Cause I do." Wasn't so hard to say was it? I try my best to ignore the voice in the back of my mind, and grin at her.
She smiles back at me, that easy smile of hers. Bright enough to warm the earth if the sun ever gave out on this wasteland. "If I were you, I would have gotten lonely by now. At least we have each other's company. I know I enjoy having you with me. Makes things interesting." Her smile turns into a smirk. What is she thinking about? Wait, she likes me that much?
"I… yeah. I, uh… I like your company, too," I stutter out. I can feel warmth spreading to my face. Do not blush in front of her! She'll notice! She notices everything. I try to continue as if I wasn't just mentally yelling to myself. "I guess that's why I feel comfortable with you. You're so easy to talk to and be around. I feel like you really care about me."
"…I do," she responds.
"And here." Digging into the pocket on my thigh, I grab a small pouch and toss it at her.
She snags it from the air. Hearing the sound from inside, she asks, "Caps? What're these for?" She inspects the bag closer, seeming to recognizing it.
"I told you I'd owe you after we took down Winlock and Barnes. I know, I know. You don't want to accept them. But too bad. Anyway, those are the caps you gave me back in the Third Rail. It's really the only thing I have to pay this debt." I put my hands up, seeing she's about to object. "But just because I don't have the money anymore doesn't mean you're not my boss. I'll still watch your back, as per our agreement. And if not for our contract, I'll stay with you anyway. I mean, we are besties now, aren't we?" That last question earned me a laugh, making me grin at her.
"We are," she agrees. After a short pause she asks, "Wanna take a break?"
"A break? From what?"
"Traveling," she clarifies. "We can go back to Diamond City and just relax for a while. After being on the move for… well, a long time, it'd be nice to rest these bones of mine."
"I don't have enough caps to stay at the Dugout," I say, pinching my brows together. "And I wouldn't expect you to pay for our rooms."
"Okay, one: a room. We're not children, and it's not like we've had separate sleeping quarters out here in the wastes. People wanna talk? Let 'em. And two: we don't need to stay at the Dugout to begin with. I have a house."
"You have a house there? I thought only rich and Diamond City material people lived there." How'd she manage that?
"Are you saying I'm not Diamond City material?" she asks with a sneer. "So, I might have thrown a few names around to buy an empty house not too far from the noodle stand. No big deal."
"You know some of Diamond City's rich and famous." I ask with disbelief, not even sounding like a question.
"Oh, of course not," she replies. "I didn't say I'd have to know any of them to throw their names around. It all depends on how you sell it. Charisma has a lot to do with getting your way." She winks at me. "Law school 101."
She stands up and extends her hand out to me, offering to help me up. I gladly take it, expecting to be up and on our way. But, no. Either her strength is practically nonexistent, or I'm far too heavy for her. As I grab her hand and try to pull myself up, I end up pulling her down on top of me instead—she yelping on the way down. So, here we lay on the high level of the interchange like a stack of something I've heard her describe as pancakes before.
She looks a bit horrified until she feels me laughing, as indicated from the rumbling beneath her. Then she starts laughing, that carefree giggle I'm coming to hear more and more often.
Listening to her laugh, I can't help but think, Oh, Beth—am I glad to have you in my circle.