Love Sees More 3: Greyback's Pack
Chapter 22 - Renewed Humanity

Dumbledore didn't interrupt once while Remus was speaking, for which he was very grateful. With every word out, Remus felt like a little bit more of his energy and determination to go on was leaving him. Every word was becoming a struggle, and he was afraid that if he was stopped at any point in his story, he might not have the strength to continue. As he had a habit of doing, Dumbledore seemed to sense this, seemed to know that Remus just needed to get the entire story out and be done with it.

Remus spoke until he reached the point in his story when he had passed out on the front lawn of Sirius's house. "And…you know the rest," he added, letting out a shaky breath. He relaxed back in his chair and turned to stare out the window once more, unable to meet Dumbledore's gaze.

Leaning sideways in order to try and get into Remus's field of vision, Dumbledore said, "Remus, I told you before that nothing you've ever done has been a disappointment to me. None of this changes that. Certainly nothing that happened as a result of something I asked you to do."

"You never asked me to tell Greyback to kill someone," Remus retorted, looking at Dumbledore out of the corner of his eye. "To let a man die and do nothing to stop it, even though I could have."

"What I asked you," Dumbledore corrected, "was to get as close to Greyback as you possibly could at all costs. Which you did. Better than I could have hoped for. And if everything you did was to try and honor my wishes, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He didn't know why, but he had been so certain that Dumbledore would be angry at him for some of the choices he had made, even though he had done them on the headmaster's orders. Remus was coming to learn that that was something he feared a lot - disappointing and losing the few friends he had left after lycanthropy and war had taken their toll. Even though a part of him had known that Dumbledore wouldn't be upset, Remus was thankful nonetheless that he was making this so easy.

"I just…everything was fine for Talon before I went there," Remus said miserably. "He was in so well with Greyback. As soon as I set one foot in that place, everything started to fall apart for him, and he was absolutely right about everything. He knew I was a spy."

Dumbledore shook his head. "None of this is your fault. Talon was there long enough to know how Greyback would have reacted to such blatant disrespect. He'd seen the consequences of such actions more than a few times in his years there, I'm sure. I don't care how sure Talon was that you were a spy, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. He had other avenues if he really wanted to expose you. He could have gotten a few of his closest 'friends' to watch you for a while, see what you were up to. Perhaps his accusations would have held more weight with Greyback if they were corroborated. As it was, he had to have known how much his behavior would have angered Greyback. You don't get to be Greyback's second-in-command by being stupid, you know."

Remus wasn't sure he agreed with that, but he didn't really feel up to arguing the point at the moment. He knew he would end up going around in circles with Dumbledore for a while over the subject, and he didn't have the energy for that. "That remains to be seen," Remus sighed.

"Talon wasn't stupid, nor are you," Dumbledore said firmly. "You can deny it all you want, but I'm sure it's crossed your mind that Greyback would have killed Talon regardless of what you said. Once someone is dead in his eyes, no amount of arguing with him is going to change that. We both know Greyback never would have tolerated it if you tried to step in. In fact, having someone try and talk him out of it would have only make him more intent on killing Talon, and he would have tried to kill you too as a result. Your time there would have been in vain."

"So there it is, isn't it?" Remus asked. "I traded a life for a life."

"Remus, when you first arrived here, you said you didn't regret it," Dumbledore pointed out. "I know you said you wish some things could have been different, as do I, but we both know there was no other way. You could not possibly have saved Talon and remained on Greyback's good side. Those two things don't go together, at least not in Greyback's mind. You would have been out of the pack then and there. Talon might still be alive, but Harry might not be, so you tell me - is Harry worth that?"

Swallowing hard, Remus closed his eyes and simply nodded. There was no other answer. "Of course he is." He gasped in a breath and added, "I feel like I've been telling everyone that since I came home. Yes, yes, a million times yes. I'd sacrifice everything and more if it meant keeping Harry safe."

Dumbledore gestured into the air as if to say that his point was made. When he returned his hand to his desk, he leaned forward towards Remus and said, "Then don't blame yourself. Not for things that were beyond your control, because if you really want to blame someone, blame me. I was the one who came up with this idea in the first place. I was the one who set this entire thing in motion. I was the one who asked you to go there. None of this would have happened without me, so blame me if you wish to find fault with someone."

"Albus…" Remus gasped. "I could never blame you, not for doing everything in your power to protect Harry. He's part of the reason why we're here after all."

"Exactly," Dumbledore replied rather smugly. "You could never blame me any more than I could blame you. You only did what I asked of you. You didn't even know it was about Harry in the first place, and you did everything in your power to remain there, to carry out my wishes. How could you ever think that that would disappoint me?"

Remus opened his mouth to respond, but no sound came out at first. A lump had formed in his throat and he was trying desperately to swallow it away. He shrugged slightly before he got out, "I guess I just needed to hear that. Sirius told me you'd say as much, but-" Remus broke off, feeling lost for words again. He heaved a heavy breath, partly in frustration at his own inability to articulate what he was feeling, but also partially in relief.

"Sometimes it's nice to be reassured by others that we didn't fail horribly," Dumbledore supplied for him.

Remus's bottom lip began to tremble slightly, and he really wasn't sure why. He fastened his teeth over it to try and still it, and he only nodded in response.

"And since we're on the subject," Dumbledore said, "perhaps I should confess some of my own failures in the matter. Leaving Hogwarts when I knew that the Death Eaters were about to make another attempt to get to Harry wasn't one of my more brilliant ideas." When Remus frowned, Dumbledore clarified, "I wasn't here last night. I wasn't here this week at all. In fact, I haven't been here an awful lot this term, and the Death Eaters knew it."

Remus frowned. "Where have you been going?" he asked before he could stop himself. He knew the headmaster would never just leave the school regularly, especially when Harry was being targeted, not unless it was something of utmost importance.

Dumbledore's eyes went to the ring with the cracked stone in it, the one he had set aside on his desk when Remus had arrived. "I'm afraid I can't tell you that."

Remus wanted to respect Dumbledore's privacy, but he couldn't hide the expression of hurt that sprung up on his face.

"I trust you, Remus," Dumbledore replied immediately. "You know I do." He smiled. "I wouldn't have put someone as important as Harry in your hands if I didn't. But I haven't told anyone else about it yet except for Harry, and right now, I think it's safer if it's kept that way. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much I trust you, but the fewer people that know about it, the better it is for our side. That's all."

"Fair enough."

"Voldemort never would have sent them if I had been here," Dumbledore continued on. "I rather thought Harry would be safe here regardless. I never thought that Voldemort would be bold enough to send them here at all, into my school, let alone find a way in. I was wrong. They only took the chance, because they knew they wouldn't have me to contend with once they arrived here." Dumbledore's grey eyebrows went up above his twinkling eyes. "What they didn't count on was that they would have you to contend with."

"Depends who you ask," Remus said. "As soon as Bellatrix saw me, she knew exactly what I was doing there."

"As I said," Dumbledore replied, "I find Greyback easy to read. I knew he'd never stand for anyone trying to tell him who was and was not loyal to him. Not even Voldemort's favorite, as she's so fond of bragging about."

"I guess you were right," Remus said, and at first, he didn't elaborate. Silence fell between them, and Remus hung his head, looking down into his lap. Dumbledore was quiet, waiting for him to go on. "I do find Greyback easy to read, too," Remus finally admitted. He swallowed hard before he glanced up to meet the headmaster's gaze again. "I guess I didn't want to admit it at first. Didn't want to admit that anything about him at all made sense to me. But it does. A lot more than I'd like it to." Remus's eyes seemed to become unfocused, like he was looking at something beyond Dumbledore, something only he could see. "I think I see where he's coming from a lot of the time. He flat-out denied it when I asked him, of course, but I think he's mostly just afraid. Afraid of not having control over his life, because others have dictated it to him for so long. And perhaps the most absurd thing is that he's afraid of being alone and being abandoned. No one's ever been there for him his whole life. He's been left alone so many times, so he makes all these rules and regulations for his pack to live by to ensure that doesn't happen again. He insists that it's for other reasons, to keep his pack safe, and that may be, but that's not the full reason. I know it isn't, because he just likes to feel secure. As do I."

All of a sudden, it seemed to occur to Remus what he had just said, because he gasped in a breath when he was through. He definitely hadn't meant to reveal everything that he had, because it abhorred him to think that he might have anything in common with Greyback at all. He ducked his head once again, staring down at his lap and feeling his cheeks grow warm.

"Remus." Out of the corner of his eye, Remus could see Dumbledore getting up from his chair and coming around the desk. He stopped just in front of Remus, leaning back against his desk and watching Remus closely. "Listen to me. You're nothing like Greyback. If anything, this entire experience should prove to you just how different you are from him. Just because you're able to understand where he's coming from doesn't mean you're the least bit alike. In fact, you must see that sympathizing with someone so much is a very human emotion. That's why Greyback is able to do the things that he does. Because he doesn't have much sympathy for anyone but himself. You wouldn't be able to bring yourself to do half of the things that Greyback does, because you care too much for people. You'd be too concerned about hurting them, but that's something Greyback doesn't concern himself with. The only one who matters to him is him." Dumbledore leaned forward, placing a hand on Remus's shoulder. "Do you think Greyback would risk his life to save anyone? Do you think Greyback would put himself through absolute hell for any reason, even if he thought it would help their side?"

Remus only squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head in response.

Dumbledore reached out with his other hand, resting it on one of Remus's wrists. "I don't underestimate what you've just done," he said, more quietly this time, "nor should you. You've given more of yourself these last two months than I had any right to even ask of you. How could you ever think that I would be disappointed in you? I've been nothing but proud of you since the day I met you - on your eleventh birthday, the day I came to invite you to Hogwarts. I saw something in you then, and I still see it in you now. That fierce determination that you wouldn't accept the future that's forced upon werewolves. I know your dad saw the very same thing in you. I know, because he told me so many times."

The mention of his father finally caused Remus to meet the headmaster's eyes.

Having finally gotten Remus's attention, Dumbledore leaned back, placing his hands behind him on the surface of his desk. "I have no doubt that if Greyback would have tried," Dumbledore said, "he could have had what you have. He isn't stupid. On the contrary, he's quite conniving, and he doesn't take no for an answer. If he had just shifted that focus - if he had directed it at proving himself rather than exacting revenge on the humans that discriminated against him - he could have been so much more than the animal he is."

Remus couldn't find his voice to reply. He felt like his voice had died a long time ago, lost in the flurry of things Dumbledore had told him. But he thought he understood something, something that those in his life had been trying to tell him for a very long time. He supposed it didn't matter if he did share some characteristics with Greyback. After all, they were the same in a lot of ways and had dealt with a lot of the same discriminations. However, there was a difference between them, and it came right down to the decisions they had made in their lives. While Greyback might have accepted, maybe even grown into the prejudices that had been forced upon him, Remus never would.

"You may not always it in yourself. I think we always have a hard time seeing those things in ourselves," Dumbledore added, "but it's something that I've always seen in you, Remus. I trust you know this isn't something I would lie about. Not to you. Not to someone I respect so much."

"I know," Remus whispered, his voice still feeling caught in his throat, but there was an accepting note to his words now. "I know you wouldn't."

Dumbledore smiled, watching him closely for a while. "I've capitalized enough of your time these last two months. Go on and take care of yourself for a while. I daresay you've earned it."

Remus let out a heavy and relieved breath. Finally, the end of this nightmare, the one he thought he would never see, was in his grasp. "I just have one more stop to make. I need to see Althea."

Nodding, Dumbledore said, "She's in the hospital wing." At a sharp look from Remus, he explained, "She's fine. With the frantic state she was in last night, we thought it best if she was kept there for a while, with easy access to Madam Pomfrey's potions collection if need be. As I've said, she's much better today, but we'll probably have her stay there for a while longer just in case. Besides, I think it's good for her to keep Bill company right now."

Remus froze, dropping a hand on to the back of his chair. "Oh…" he breathed. With everything that had happened since last night, he'd completely forgotten about Bill. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling horrible for ever letting such a thing slip his mind. "Is he okay? Sirius told me he was the last he heard, but…"

"As well as can be expected, I suppose," Dumbledore said. "Physically, he'll be fine, if a bit worse for wear. Other than that, he is angry and upset, which I'm sure you can understand."

Remus's hand clenched even tighter around the back of the chair. "Do you think…?" Remus began to ask, but he found his throat too tight to speak once again.

But Dumbledore knew. Dumbledore always knew. "I'm sure a visit from you would do Bill a world of good right now."

As soon as Remus stepped inside the hospital wing, he was nearly barreled over. But then he felt a set of arms close tightly around him in an embrace. Althea tucked her blond head under his chin, and in the light from the hospital wing windows, her now clean hair shone more brilliantly than it ever had back at the compound.

"It's okay," Remus said, hugging her back tightly. He pressed his nose into the top of her head, smelling the scent of cherry blossom shampoo on it.

"I was so worried about you," Althea said, pulling away a bit and looking up at him. "I had all these crazy dreams last night that you wouldn't be able to adjust to being back."

"I…" Remus began, but then he paused for a very long time. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the same dreams about you, but it's only been two months for me. That's nothing compared to how long you were there. Dumbledore said you were a bit antsy last night."

Althea let out a soft breath. "Doesn't like to speak ill of anybody, does he? Because 'antsy' doesn't even begin to describe it." She gripped his upper arms tightly, lowering her voice significantly before continuing. "I had this crazy urge to be out there hunting. Because that's where Greyback and the rest of the pack would have been. It took everything I had not to just run out of here and right back to…them."

"I know," Remus replied quietly. "I'm not even going to pretend that my night was anything close to yours, but…I had that urge, too. Maybe not to hunt, but to at least be back there, in the openness of the woods. This insane feeling that I was being caged here, but I think that was only Greyback talking, because that's what he tried to convince me that this place was."

"Instead of the other way around."

"Exactly."

Althea looked down between them for a moment, from her socked feet to Remus's shoes. "Well, my night may have been harder in that regard, but I also wasn't the one on my death bed last night," she pointed out.

"I wasn't on my death bed!" Remus exclaimed, but then he lowered his voice once again when he remembered that he was in the hospital wing. A quick look around proved that the room was mostly empty, all except for a curtain towards the end of the room near Madam Pomfrey's office. Remus imagined that it was giving Bill some privacy. "I wasn't in the best of shape, but I was far from dying."

When Althea looked up at his face again, she smiled. "You do look better."

"I feel much better. A long hot shower, a full meal, and a good night's sleep in an actual bed do wonders for your humanity."

Althea hummed in agreement, turning back into the hospital wing. She returned to her bed, crawling into it. For the first time, Remus saw that her bed tray was stacked with a bunch of food, including a plate of sandwiches and chips, several boxes of wizarding sweets including a couple bars of chocolate, a box of doughnuts, and what looked like a large steaming cup of coffee.

"Hungry?" Remus asked in a teasing tone.

"Almost constantly since last night," she said, reaching for a doughnut with cream filling spilling out the edges. "That house-elf's been here almost every hour on the hour…Bobby, I think he said his name was."

"Dobby?"

"That's him. Keeps bringing me food faster than I can eat it." She took a moment to break off a piece of doughnut and eat it. "Help yourself if you want."

Remus laid a hand over his stomach. "I couldn't. Sirius just fed me a huge lunch."

"I knew I was missing out on a lot of good food here," Althea mused, "but I don't think I realized exactly how much until last night. What Greyback offers us is nothing compared to this. If that makes me weak, because I'd rather eat human food than blood, then so be it."

"Althea," Remus said, coming closer and sitting down on the edge of her bed. "It doesn't make you weak. Quite the opposite, in fact. If I've learned anything from this, it's that Greyback is the weak one, because he gives in to those animal instincts. It's easy to be like him. To let your wolf control you. It's not so easy to control your wolf, but…that's what we're doing." He took a moment to glance over the spread of food on the bed tray. "Besides, if this food appeals to you much more than what you had with Greyback, I think that's a sure sign that you haven't completely given in to your wolf yet." Remus reached across the tray of food to press a hand over Althea's chest. "That you're still human in here."

Althea focused on her doughnut for quite some time, he cheeks burning red. After a while, she admitted, "I wasn't so sure at first, especially after last night, but…I think I'm really going to like being back among society. I already feel much more accepted here than I ever did with the werewolves. A bit ironic, isn't it?"

"After all the speeches Greyback gives us about how his pack is one of the only places we're accepted, and how all humans shun us, yes. You just need to find the right humans, that's all," Remus said around a smirk.

"How did you ever find them?" Althea asked incredulously, replacing her half-eaten doughnut on her tray and picking up her still steaming cup of coffee. There must have been a heating charm on it. "Not even my parents wanted me after I was bitten. I never imagined that I could find people who weren't even related to me willing to take me in."

Remus sighed, absently running a finger along the edge of Althea's tray. "I don't know. I ask myself that every single day. I just got very lucky, I suppose."

"You really have," Althea said in between sips of her coffee. "Dumbledore was here already, asking if I'd given any thought to what I want to do with my life now, because he'll do everything in his power to help me find something."

"And have you?" Remus asked, but then something else occurred to him. "I can't believe I never asked you before, but what were you planning on doing before you were bitten?"

"I don't think I would have told you, even if you had asked," Althea giggled. She was quiet for a very long time, replacing her coffee on the bed tray. She turned it around several times, as if she was looking for answers in it. When she met Remus's eyes again, she admitted, "I worked for the Ministry."

Remus was taken aback, but he tried not to let it show. He shrugged and said, "I can't really judge you, because you're not the only person I've met who's worked for the Ministry."

"It wasn't what I wanted to do," Althea immediately protested. She rolled her eyes. "My parents were kind of well-to-do. They had this crazy idea I could become the next female Minister of Magic someday. I was only eighteen when I was bitten, and I had only been working there for about six months. It was just an entry-level secretarial position, a far cry from being Minister, but my parents were certain I could do it." She frowned deeply and stared down at her lap. "That, of course, all changed once I was bitten. I wasn't a fit Ministry employee any longer, and my parents didn't think I was even worthy of the title of daughter, let alone Minister of Magic."

"What did you want to do?"

"Something my parents didn't approve of," Althea sighed wistfully. "I loved to paint, and I wanted to be an artist. My parents insisted that artists never make it, that I'd end up poor and homeless. They said a Ministry job was the way to go if I ever wanted to make anything out of myself." She snorted. "Yeah, look where I ended up anyway - poor and homeless, even with my lucrative Ministry job.

"Anyway," she went on, "since Dumbledore was here, I've been thinking a lot of about that - getting back into painting. I can work on my own time, and I'd never have to worry about having to hide my condition from an employer or coworkers. Plus, I can sell my work under a pseudonym, so the people buying them would never know they're coming from a werewolf. I may not make a lot of money, but it's got to be more than what I have now, which is nothing. And besides, it's what I've wanted to do for a long time. Ever since I can remember. It would make me happy, and that's the most important thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," Remus agreed. "And for what it's worth, I think you'd make a great artist."

Althea giggled. "You've never even seen any of my work. I haven't even painted for years. I'm probably horribly out of practice."

"Well, like you said, it can't be any worse than what you're doing now. At least try. For me?" Remus urged.

Althea smiled a tiny bit, nodding in response. Then a moment later, she frowned deeply, her eyes beginning to well up with unshed tears. She gasped in a breath of air, her shoulders heaving.

Remus quickly pushed the bed tray aside so that he could move closer to her. "Hey." He reached up with one hand, using a thumb to swipe away the tear that managed to escape one of Althea's eyes. "What's wrong?"

She began fiercely swiping at her face, driving away any evidence that there had been any tears there at all. "I just can't believe I wasted so much time there. Two years," she said a bit frantically, a small sob escaping her again. "If I had known I could have had a place, I never would have…" Her eyes filled up with tears again, and this time, she did nothing to wipe them away when they began to fall. "I bit someone, Remus! I brought this on someone else just because I was trying to be accepted into the pack! If I had known I other options…"

Remus wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him. She buried her face in his shoulder, quickly soaking it with tears, but he didn't care. He ran his hands over her trembling back, trying his best to comfort her. "It's okay," he said, feeling a bit lost on how to reassure her otherwise. He had never bitten anyone himself, at least not for real, so he was sure that was something he could never understand. On the other hand, as far as Althea knew, Remus had bitten Justin in order to gain entrance into the pack, and he would let her go right on believing it. Perhaps that was best for now.

"I didn't think I had anywhere else to go!" Althea said in between sobs.

"And I'm sure that's something every werewolf can understand," Remus said, trying his best to sound like he knew what he was talking about. "Desperation. I'm not sure who it was who bit me, but I'm not angry at them. I suppose I feel mostly pity for them, because they were doing something that was completely out of their control."

Althea shook her head, pulling away from him. "I could never feel anything but hate for the one who bit me. Especially after I met him," she added bitterly.

"Then you know who it was?"

Wiping at her face again, Althea nodded. "It was Talon. I was his test when he joined the pack. Rather appropriate, isn't it?"

"But I don't…he told you?"

"No," Althea replied. "If you ever meet the one who made you, Remus, you'll know." She took a deep breath, trying desperately to stop the flow of tears. "That's why I'm not very sorry for what happened to him. I know you feel badly about it, and I wish it didn't have to be that way, but…I could never feel sorry for the way he went. Not when it was his fault I had to turn to Greyback at all." She broke off for a moment, staring across the room at one of the large windows that looked out over the grounds. "And then I turned right around and brought the exact same thing upon someone else."

"For a very different reason than I'm sure Talon did," Remus said. "You only did so, because you were desperate. I always imagined Talon rather enjoyed what he was doing, and I don't doubt for a second that he bit even more people because he wanted to. He was rather like Greyback in that regard. More animal than human. He enjoyed the prey. There's a very large difference between that, and doing so because you feel like you're simply out of options. This world doesn't make it easy for us to find the few that are even there. It is not your fault that you felt backed into a corner."

Althea gave him the best smile she could. It didn't reach all the way to her eyes, but at least it was a start. She wiped away the remaining tears on her face, taking some more deep breaths to try and regain her composure. When she spoke again, she sounded calmer than she had only a few seconds before. "Speaking of Greyback, I never thanked you for saving my life."

Remus shook his head firmly. "I believe I should be the one thanking you. You were ready to take on Greyback yourself so that I could get out, and we both know how that would have ended."

"I didn't see any other way out. Not for both of us. If I distracted Greyback long enough, then I thought you'd be able to escape unscathed." Althea started playing with her hands in her lap, wringing them and folding them together in different ways. "I was really rather beginning to doubt whether or not I could fit into the human world or not. I knew you'd have the best chance of coming back here and leading a normal life, even if I was too far gone. I didn't want you to lose that chance, especially not because of me." She let out a breathless laugh. "I just didn't know you wouldn't be able to walk away."

"Talon was one thing," Remus said, "but you are another." He tilted his head and placed a hand on Althea's cheek, directing her gaze to his. "With the way I felt about letting a bastard like Talon die, how could you ever think I could allow you to follow the same fate? You risked your life for me."

Neither one of them moved a muscle. Their eyes seemed to burn into each other, and they were close enough to feel each other's warm breath on their mouths. Remus made the first move, leaning in a tiny bit more to close the gap, but then he paused again, not sure if his actions would be welcome. In response, Althea laid one hand over Remus's, pressing it tighter against her cheek. When she didn't pull away, Remus finally closed the remaining distance, softly kissing her.

When they pulled apart, Althea ducked her head under his chin, just like she had done when Remus first entered the hospital wing. He hugged her, and they stayed that way for a long time, offering each other perhaps the only support they had left to give.

They each were still broken, struggling to find the parts of themselves they had lost during their time with Greyback's pack. But together, perhaps they made up something whole.

To be continued…