Love Sees More 3: Greyback's Pack
Chapter 23 - Fang

Once Althea had calmed down a bit, Remus pulled over a chair and sat down next to her bed. They talked for a while longer, during which Althea had laid down in bed, her head propped up on a stack of pillows. As their conversation went on, however, Althea began to drift off. Remus decided to let her sleep. She had been up for a good majority of the night, completely frantic, so she needed the rest.

Remus got up from his chair, reaching for the blanket at the end of her bed. He tugged it up and tucked it in around her, smiling as she curled up under it. He then pushed some of the hair back from her face before making his way around her bed and towards the other end of the hospital wing.

Bill was in the very last bed, a curtain still dividing him from the rest of the room. Remus hesitated for the briefest moment before stepping around the curtain, a bit afraid of what he would find on the other side. Bill was apparently asleep, curled up on his side with his back to Remus. Pausing, Remus thought about turning around and leaving quietly, because he didn't want to wake Bill up for a conversation that could certainly wait until later.

Just as Remus was about to retreat, Bill rolled over onto his back. Remus had to clench his teeth to keep the shock from registering on his face. If not for Bill's long ginger hair and blue eyes, Remus might not have even recognized him. Bill's once was handsome face was now hidden underneath a tangled mess of scarred flesh. Remus mentally kicked himself for being angry about the five small scars that Greyback had left across his stomach.

"I knew it was you," Bill whispered. "I heard you." He smiled half-heartedly. "I was hoping you'd come by today." Then Bill seemed to register the expression on Remus's face, and he closed his eyes, a faint blush creeping up in his cheeks. "I know," he muttered, his lips drawing into a deep frown. He looked away, glaring at the back wall of the hospital wing. "It's awful."

"That's not…what that look was for." Remus spoke carefully, approaching Bill's bed. "I'm no stranger to scars, Bill."

"Three of them on your face. At least most of yours are in places that you can hide with clothes," Bill said bitterly. "All of mine are on my face where everyone who looks at me will see them."

An awkward silence fell, and Remus hung his head, wondering if he'd be able to come up with the right words for Bill, just like Dumbledore had for him a couple of hours ago. After thinking things over for a few moments, Remus took a deep breath and moved forward again to sit on the edge of Bill's bed. Bill was still staring in the opposite direction, so Remus placed a gentle finger on the side of his chin, directing Bill to meet his gaze.

"And do you know what I see when I look at you?" Remus asked simply.

Bill's eyes grew slightly larger and his chest starting heaving, almost as if he was afraid of the answer he would get. "A monster?" Bill finally replied. "Because that's what I look like."

Remus shook his head. "No. Not at all. I see someone who is brave and strong. Someone who isn't going to let Greyback defeat him," Remus said solemnly.

Bill's eyes grew watery, and he tried to blink it away. "I want to believe that. Just every time I look in the mirror-" He broke off, an expression of disgust overtaking his face.

"I know. Believe me, I do. Mine may not be in the same place as yours, but…" Remus stopped and made a split second decision. He reached up and started unbuttoning his shirt. He pulled it open, revealing the scars upon scars that crisscrossed his chest and stomach. Those, however, were only the tip of the iceberg; countless others covered nearly every inch of his body, damage he had done to himself during the full moons he had endured before the discovery of the Wolfsbane Potion, and before he'd had companions to protect him. "They don't seem any less horrific to me."

Bill gasped in a soft breath of surprise. "I had no idea. I mean, I knew. I could tell from the ones on your face that there must be others, but…" He opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure how to form his thoughts into words.

"Not that there were so many of them?" When Bill nodded, Remus said, "No, not a lot of people do." He chuckled. "I don't often go around shirtless for that very reason. And why I always wear long trousers and long sleeves if it all possible. I was terrified of letting anyone see them, afraid they'd think I looked like a monster, too. But a few people have seen them over the years - my parents and healers, of course, and they become impossible to hide from Sirius, James, and Peter when I was spending so many transformations with them. You know, not a single one of them thought they were as big of a deal as I did. At first, I thought that my parents and healers said that because they had to, because they couldn't let me think I looked like some freak, but Sirius told me once that he never even noticed them." Remus furrowed his brow. "I found that quite hard to believe for a while, but…tell me, Bill. Do you think I look like a monster?"

Swallowing hard, Bill immediately shook his head. "Merlin, no. I could never think that about you, Remus."

Remus smiled. "So why would you think that any of us could think that about you? At least not those of us who know you. Strangers might. I'm not going to lie to you about that, but I don't imagine you've ever been one to worry over what people think about you." Remus grabbed a lock of Bill's hair in between his thumb and index finger, tugging at it gently. "Your hair wouldn't look like this if you did."

Bill couldn't hide the smile that spread across his face and this time, it reached all the way to his eyes. He pointed to his left ear, flipping his finger against his signature fang earring, letting it swing back and forth. "I wouldn't have the earring either." Then Bill's face fell and he added, "The fang's kind of appropriate now, isn't it?"

Remus hummed grimly in response before asking, "Has your family been here?" He didn't want to doubt the integrity of the Weasleys, and he really had no reason to. After all, Bill's family had never made Remus to feel any different, but a tiny part of him wondered how they were taking this current turn of events.

"Yeah." Bill stretched and wiggled around, trying to find a more comfortable position. "They were here last night and earlier today. I didn't wake up till this morning, but I saw them for a little while before Madam Pomfrey chased them out so I could get some rest."

Remus's eyes darted to the door of Madam Pomfrey's office. "Should I even be here then? I'm disturbing your sleep."

"Don't be silly," Bill replied. "It's not like I was even sleeping." He squinted his eyes in thought before going on. "I think she chased them out, because I was upset anyway. I…don't even remember what happened last night. I mean, I remember the battle, but then…everything kind of goes black."

"Yeah, the infection will do that," Remus interjected. "Sometimes it's better that way."

"When I woke up," Bill went on, "my family had to tell me, and…I was understandably upset. They didn't even want to give me a mirror so I could see for myself what Greyback had done. They finally gave in after I started yelling, and…imagine finding out this is what you look like when you don't even remember being attacked. I was a bit of a wreck, so Madam Pomfrey thought it best if I was left alone for a while to calm down. But I don't care if she likes you being here or not. My family's trying so hard to help. Even Fleur, but…they just can't understand. You're the only I've wanted to talk to since I found out what happened. The only one who could possibly answer some of the questions I have."

"I don't pretend to be an expert." When Bill snorted, Remus repeated, "I don't. For everything I do know, there are just as many things about this sort of thing that I don't know. Especially in cases like this. But I'll try my hardest to give you answers."

"Yeah," Bill sighed. "Madam Pomfrey said that this is possibly unique - a werewolf attacking someone while in human form. At least it is to her. She's never seen anything like this. All she knew for sure was these things aren't going to heal," he mumbled, gesturing to his face. "She couldn't even begin to speculate about some of my other questions."

"What questions?"

Bill frowned deeply, suddenly looking like a deer caught in headlights. Almost like he didn't really want answers to his questions after all. After nearly a minute, Bill was finally able to get out, "She…couldn't even tell me for sure if I'm going to transform when the moon is full."

"You won't."

Bill blinked. "You just said you're not an expert."

"I'm not."

"But you didn't even need to think about it."

Remus held up an index finger. "One thing I do know for certain. It typically takes seven days for a werewolf to fully wake up after they've first been turned. If you're completely coherent now - what? - twelve hours after the attack, you're not a full werewolf. Not even close."

Bill's eyelids slid closed, and he let out a relieved breath. "But I am different," he said with absolute certainty. "I feel different, my body feels different." Bill thought for a moment and corrected himself, "Actually, it doesn't even feel like it's my body. It feels like there's something under my skin, waiting to get out." He paused, trying to come up with a suitable way of voicing his feelings. "You know that sensation you get after you've taken Polyjuice Potion, and your skin bubbles up just before you transform? It's almost like that, but…" Bill looked up and down his arms, bare below the sleeves of his hospital gown. "Nothing's happening, and I keep waiting for the feeling to wear off, just like with Polyjuice, but it doesn't."

"And you want to tear your skin off to make it stop."

"Yeah!" Bill quickly sat up, sounding excited that Remus knew what he was talking about. "That's it exactly. I think if my family wasn't here when I first woke up, I would have. The feeling isn't as strong now as it was, but it's still driving me nutters." He shrugged his shoulders heavily as if to prove his point.

"It'll fade in the coming weeks," Remus reassured. "Maybe even in a few days for you. It's just the infection settling into your body."

Bill grimaced. "And…everything's getting to me," he went on, seeming rather anxious to have all of his questions answered, to know that he wasn't imagining things. "Physically and emotionally. You know how when you're sick, your senses seem ten times more powerful? You can hear every little sound, and they make you crazy, and even just laying in bed hurts, because your skin is so sensitive? That's how I feel." He pointed across the room to a large shelf with a bunch of potions vials on it. "Madam Pomfrey was over there before, checking her inventory, and the sound of the bottles clanging against each other was so loud! Like someone had performed a Sonorus spell on them. It was bothering me so badly, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. And then I had this insane urge to run over there and break them all. And then I can't even sleep to get away from it, because I can't get comfortable enough." He started breathing hard, noticeably upset.

"Your senses are heightened," Remus said calmly. Bill's voice had grown more and more frantic, and Remus hoped that his own calm demeanor would rub off on him. "I know it seems impossibly bothersome right now, but you'll get used to it." Remus bit at his bottom lip before continuing, abhorring the fact that Bill would very clearly have to deal with some of the same things he did. "But has that ever happened to you before? Getting the sudden urge to break something?"

"No!" Bill exclaimed frantically. He ran his hand over his face harshly, like he was trying to wake himself up from a bad dream. "I'm losing my mind, Remus."

"You're not, Bill. You're not." Remus placed his hands on Bill's shoulders, gripping them firmly. "Listen to me. This is important."

"I am!" Bill cried, but then he seemed to realize just how serious Remus's expression was. "I'm listening," he said, softer this time.

"The fact that you're getting sudden violent urges like that," Remus said, "that isn't you. That's your wolf talking."

"My wolf talking?" Bill asked incredulously, almost as if they were the single strangest words ever spoken. "Merlin."

"Don't give in to it."

"I didn't."

"Why not?"

Bill looked confused for a few seconds, like he had no idea how to respond to Remus's question. "Because I knew it was an insane thing to do?" He scoffed. "I'm not that kind of person. I don't just go around…breaking things."

"And you listen to that voice inside you when it says something's crazy," Remus said urgently. "The feeling that sudden urges like that are insane. That they're something you wouldn't normally do. You, the human part of you still has control over every single action you take."

"Isn't that hard?" Bill gestured to the curtain next to his bed. "I heard you talking to that girl - Althea." A blush rose up in his cheeks. "I couldn't help but hear," he added sheepishly.

Remus smirked. "You'll be hearing a lot more conversations that you're not supposed to. Get used to it."

"But you were telling her how it's easy to be like Greyback," Bill said. "It's easy to give into those instincts, to let your wolf control you."

Remus nodded. "And it is, but the very first animal instincts your wolf has are also the strongest. It's testing the waters, seeing how dominant you are. This is still very new to you, very foreign, and sometimes they can come up so quickly, you don't even have time to think about trying to control it. If you were able to before, without even knowing what it was, I doubt you'll have much trouble with it. That's not to say that you won't have these insane moments of anger. I'm sure you'll be snapping at people quite a bit for a while, but it only gets easier from here on out. The more comfortable you get with telling your wolf that no, you won't do it what it wants, the quieter it becomes. You just have to let it know that you're the dominant one, not the wolf."

"And that still makes me want to tear my skin off. The fact that it's in here." He fisted his hand in the front of his hospital gown, tugging on it. "Changing me."

"I know," Remus sighed. He considered this and added, "But in that case, I think you should name it."

Bill raised an eyebrow and stared at Remus like there was a Venomous Tentacula growing out of the top of his head. "Name my wolf? You mean like Moony?"

"Indeed." Remus leaned back on the bed, propping himself up with his hands. "Sirius started calling me Moony not long after he and the rest of the Marauders figured out I was a werewolf. I think it was his way of proving to me that his feelings towards me wouldn't change - by using a term of endearment, for lack of a better word. As time went on, though, it became understood that Moony was more a term for the wolf rather than just me. Normally, that probably would have bothered me - being called by the same name - but by that point, I knew that Sirius was still my friend and nothing was going to change that. Not even the wolf. He knew exactly who I was and who Moony was, as did anyone else in my life who's ever called me by that name. That's why it's never bothered me, but…I don't think either of us knew exactly how much that name would come to help me. It's made my wolf seem much less intimidating, for one. Think about it. People generally give names to tame animals, don't they? They usually don't name big, scary wild animals."

"Unless you're Hagrid."

"He's an exception, yes," Remus snickered. "But it's made my wolf seem much less like a foreign entity and…something more accessible. More like a natural part of myself, and that doesn't make it seem so scary. If that makes sense."

"I never thought of it that way." Bill was quiet, and then he leaned back against his pillows again, seemingly much more calm than he had been before. "Well, what do you suggest?"

Remus frowned in thought, his eyes going back and forth across Bill's face for a bit of inspiration. Even now, after talking to him for barely an hour, the damage Greyback had done already seemed much less startling to him. When his eyes settled on Bill's silver earring, Remus smiled. He reached out and used his index finger to set Bill's fang earring swinging back and forth once more. "Fang," he said simply.

The corners of Bill's mouth slowly started to tilt up before a large smile engulfed his face. When he did that, he almost looked like his old self again, his scars nothing more but a memory. He snorted in laughter, the first true laugh Remus had heard from him that afternoon. "It already seems much less scary. People - my mum especially - are always asking me, 'Why does it have to be a fang? Can't you pick anything more tasteful?'" Bill rolled his eyes. "Not like they think an earring on a man is tasteful at all, but…I like it. That's why I wear it all the time obviously. I feel like it's me."

Remus wasn't entirely sure what Bill was even referring to - the earring or his wolf - but Remus supposed it didn't matter.

A moment of silence fell before Bill pointed out, "Fang's also the name of Hagrid's dog."

"And can you imagine him ever hurting anyone or anything?"

"No."

"And neither would you."

Bill opened his mouth to reply, but then he seemed to think better of it. He closed his mouth and shook his head.

"What?" Remus spurred. "Whatever it is, you can ask me, and you don't need to worry that I'll think any differently of you for it."

Bill still didn't seem keen on asking his question. He swallowed audibly, like he was trying to work up the courage to do so. "I just…How can you be so sure I'd never hurt anyone?"

"Because I know you."

"But…I…" Bill stumbled over his words before letting out an exasperated breath. "I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm just going to snap. That it's going to sneak up on me some day, just like you said, and I'm going to lose control before I even know what's happening. Especially with Fleur. The thought of being alone with her almost scares me."

"Don't push her away, Bill," Remus said, shaking his head. "Don't push any of them away. I know that's probably your first instinct. It's mine, too, a lot of the time. Push them away before you have a chance to hurt any of them. I'm sure they'll even be downright overbearing with you now, especially your mum, and even Fleur, I imagine. They'll probably make you want to tear your hear out half the time, but you let them. Because they're going to help keep you human." When his words were met with a confused look from Bill, Remus asked, "Why do you think Greyback is the way he is?"

Bill open his mouth and shook his head, lost for words. "'Cause he's crazy?"

Remus let out a breath of laughter. "Well, yes, that's part of it." He hesitated, suddenly not sure if he wanted to share certain things with Bill. In the end, Remus decided that if anyone had a right to know, it was Bill. After all, Remus wasn't completely blameless for what had happened to him. "I've been living with him, with his pack for the last two months, spying on them."

"Yeah. That's what I could gather from what's been said over there," Bill said, tilting his head toward the front of the hospital wing and Althea's bed.

"You don't live with someone for that long and not learn a thing or two about him." Remus hung his head, still feeling somewhat guarded about where he knew this conversation was going to go. "He never had that, I don't think - family and friends wanting to coddle him over his condition. He was raised largely in a werewolf colony where they're treated like animals." Remus kept his head lowered, but glanced upwards at Bill with his eyes. "He only became what he knew, and I have no doubt I could have turned out just like him if I hadn't had a family and friends to love me. That's the difference they can afford you, so don't push them away." Bill didn't reply right away, so Remus urged, "Promise me you won't."

Bill slowly shook his head, appearing slightly scared at the prospect that Remus had presented him with. "I won't," he finally said. "I won't."

Remus frowned down at his lap, rubbing at a discolored spot on the leg of his trousers with his finger. He must have spilled something at lunch.

"What?" Bill asked.

Remus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I feel like I need to apologize to you for something."

Bill looked aghast. "What on earth could you possibly have to apologize to me for?"

Grimacing, Remus forced his gaze up. Bill at least deserved that much from him. "Greyback found out I wasn't loyal to him last night. That I'd been doing nothing but deceiving him for the last two months. And because of the misplaced trust he put in me, I was able to single-handedly stop the Death Eaters from getting Harry back to Voldemort." Remus swallowed hard. "That was just before he attacked you."

"Remus, you don't think-"

"What happened to you is my fault," Remus pressed on before he could lose his nerve. "Greyback was furious at me, and he took it out on you. Because you were there."

"That any of this is your fault?" Bill finished anyway. "Remus, I thought we'd already established that Greyback is a complete and total nutcase. He certainly doesn't need reasons to go around doing things like this to people. He does it anyway, because he can. Because he enjoys it." After moment of silence, Bill added, "Besides, we all go into these things knowing we may not come out of them, or that we may not come out of them whole. The knowledge of that's never kept me away. If I got these-" Bill gestured to his face, "-because I chose to defend Hogwarts, I don't regret it."

"Then that's a relief, because I don't either." Remus let out a frustrated growl and rubbed a hand over his eyes harshly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making this about me."

"Isn't that what this conversation is all about? Honesty?" Bill asked around a smile. "I wouldn't have wanted you feeling guilty about this and being too afraid to tell me. Especially when it's something I couldn't possibly blame you for. You're not responsible for what Greyback chooses to do. You know that."

"No, I know that," Remus said around a sigh. "I do." Bill certainly wasn't the first person to tell him that, and Remus knew none of them would lie to him. Remus supposed it would just take him a while to come to terms with that. In the meantime, however, there was something he could do to help ease his guilt slightly.

"Listen," Remus said, resting a hand on Bill's shoulder. "I don't think you need to worry. There's a different side to you now, but in the hour or so we've been talking, it's become very clear to me that you are very much in control. You might get agitated and antsy sometimes. That's to be expected, at least until you get more comfortable with everything you're feeling, and if you ever do feel like you're losing control, if you feel like you're getting angry and you're about to snap, I want you to come to me."

Bill's brow furrowed. "Can I?"

"Absolutely," Remus said firmly. "Or even if you just have a random question that you want answered, no matter how insignificant it seems, don't hesitate to come and find me. Any hour of the day or night, I don't care. You know where I live, so come bang down my bedroom door if you have to. Okay?"

Throat too tight to speak, Bill only nodded.

"You'll be fine though," Remus said, nodding in return.

Bill opened his mouth then, but no sound came out. Instead, he reached out an arm, wrapping it around Remus's shoulders and pulling him close. "Thank you," Bill finally got out. "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here to reassure me that I'm not crazy."

Remus wrapped his arms around Bill, patting one of his shoulders and then gripping it tightly. "You're not. Not at all."

Any other words that had been in the forefront of Remus's mind were lost, because something else had occurred to him. Something that he'd never quite realized before. Perhaps he was more important to the people in his life than he ever gave himself credit for.

Remus stayed in the hospital wing until well after dinnertime. The sun had set outside, and the moonlit night was pressing in on the windows of the castle. Remus would have stayed even longer, keeping both Bill and Althea company, but Madam Pomfrey ended up chasing him out. She insisted that he had been there much too long, and that her patients needed some rest.

As Remus was leaving the hospital wing, however, he didn't return to the grounds to Apparate home. Not just yet. He found himself returning to the seventh floor, to the very spot where he and Harry had gotten away from the Death Eaters the night before. There was a large chunk of stone missing from the ceiling there, the part that Remus had collapsed to distract the Death Eaters, but the pieces of it that had crumbled to the floor had been cleaned up. Remus stared up at the broken ceiling for a while, feeling in awe of himself that he had done that without a wand. He hadn't known he'd had it in him.

Almost without even thinking about it, Remus made his way over to the staircase that led up to the Astronomy Tower. He climbed the steps, trailing his hand along the wall as he went. He almost couldn't believe that he had been there just last night, descending those same stairs with Harry in his grasp, wondering how in the world they would get away. That all seemed like a lifetime ago to him now.

When Remus got to the top of the staircase, he pushed the door open and emerged out onto the top of the tower. He stopped, his eyes passing over the now empty stone floor. Even though the events of last night now seemed so long ago, he could still clearly remember how he had felt. The nearly overwhelming sense of fear that had taken up residence in his chest from the moment Greyback had told him they were going on a mission.

Remus took a deep breath, reveling in the fact that it was over. His days of living with Greyback, of pretending that he was something he wasn't were done with. Gone. A part of him had feared that he'd never see this day, that he might just get himself killed in the process. But here he was; both he and Harry had made it out alive, and Remus definitely wasn't going to apologize to anyone else for that. Not anymore.

The adjacent towers kept throwing odd shadows across the floor, and Remus kept imagining that the Death Eaters were still there, waiting for him to prove his loyalty. But no. The tower was empty, and Remus had to keep reminding himself of that. Then Remus spotted something out of the corner of his eye. Something on the very edge of the tower floor, an imperfection of some sort had caught the moonlight.

Remus vaguely knew what it was. He had watched it settle there the night before, desperately hoping that he'd be able to use it in some way. In the end, he hadn't even needed it. Remus had only needed himself. Nothing more.

Crossing the tower, Remus crouched down and reached for it, his fingers closing around the unfamiliar shape. Harry's wand. Remus straightened and held it up, letting the moonlight glint off the wood and the fingernails of his own hand. It reminded Remus of the night before when he had returned to his room for the first time in two months. When he had picked up his own wand from his bedside table and became disgusted at the sight of his filthy hand. Had all of that only been yesterday? It still didn't seem possible.

Taking a deep breath, Remus took a few more steps to the very edge of the tower. He rested his arms against the low wall, looking out over the grounds and then up at the moon. It was large and almost perfectly round, only two days from being full. Remus could already feel its pull, and he dreaded the impending transformation. He was still so tired from the recent events, he didn't know if he had the energy to go through it again so soon.

And yet, something was different. He was different, and not necessarily in the bad way he'd been thinking this entire time. Yes, this experience had had some negative effects on him. Ones he wished he could erase from his soul forever, but at the same time, perhaps it hadn't been a total loss. Talking with Bill had made him realize that.

It only stood to reason that in order for there to be bad, in order for there to exist someone like Greyback, there had to be good. There had to be someone like Remus.

To be continued…