12. Melancholy Moments

Beth POV

Breathe Me by Sia

After walking around the Prydwen, I started to feel much better about the Brotherhood of Steel. Before, I was just here to use their knowledge and technologies to find Shaun. But after talking to Proctors Teagan, Ingram, and Quinlan, I better understood that they weren't just a group looking to better the world, but they were actually a family. Every member of the BOS cared for one another. And now, finding myself among their ranks, I see that they care about me, too.

"Who even asks questions like that?" Robert asks me after visiting Knight-Captain Cade. "I mean, who would go around 'seeing' anybody that's not even human?"

"You heard him. There's been enough people apparently that that has to be a question, I guess."

"That's disgusting," he shakes his head, revolted by the idea.

As we're heading through the mess hall, we run into Danse. "Paladin," I greet.

"Soldier," he returns. "I'm glad to have bumped into you."

"Why is that?" I ask.

"I've been curious how the talk went with Elder Maxson, if you don't mind me asking."

"Oh. No, not at all. It went well," I start. "In his address, he talked about the goal of finding and destroying the Institute. I felt relieved, finally knowing what it is the Brotherhood is in Bost—I mean, the Commonwealth for. Looking around, I feel like I ran into the right people at the right time. As you said at the station, we stand on mutual ground."

"Yes, we do."

"Which leads me to a question for you, Paladin."

"You can drop the Paladin, if you wish. Danse is fine with me."

Surprised by his insistence for casualness, I stutter, "O-okay. Anyway," I continue, "what changed your mind back there?"

His brows crease. "What do you mean?"

"When I first came into the police station, you acted like I was just an annoyance. I recognize that you were grateful for our assistance, but you seemed like you couldn't wait for us to leave. Once you mentioned the Institute and I lashed out at you for commenting negatively toward my son, you changed dramatically. You wanted me to follow you immediately, bringing us here to talk with your boss for a job, so to say. I just wonder why that was."

"Oh," he says, seeming shocked by my observations.

"Do you know anything about my past?" I ask him.

"You're from before the War," he answers.

"Yes," I agree. "I was a lawyer. I had to make observations for a living. And if I may brag, I was pretty good at it. So, there's no need to be surprised that I noticed a change in your attitude."

"Fair enough." He still acts slightly unsettled by my awareness at the station. "I, too, noticed something. At first, I do admit, I was a bit annoyed. My squad and I had had it rough since arriving there in Cambridge. All I needed was another local coming through and wasting our time. But once I did make that remark, and you started to get upset at me, I could see something in you that I was not expecting. I saw a fire in your eyes and I heard determination in your voice. Those two things are what we look for in our brothers and sisters here in the Brotherhood. And since you're looking for the same place we are, we might as well look together, right? That's what changed my mind."

I nod my head. "Well, I think that that was a good decision, Danse," I tell him.

"I believe so. Make us proud, soldier. Ad victoriam!" He does the same salute Maxson did after we spoke.

"Um, can I ask another question?"

Thinking I was about to leave, he seems a bit surprised. "Of course."

"What does that mean? I have a feeling I'm going to hear it a lot and I'd like to know."

"It is Latin for 'to victory'—something we are striving for always. It is the exclamation for us Brotherhood soldiers, so yes, you will hear it very often."

After speaking with Danse and boarding a Vertibird to take Robert and I to the ground, we decided to head back to Diamond City.

When we got to the Dugout, Nick was there as he said he'd be. How many hours have you been waiting? I asked. It was nearing nine in the evening and I was shocked to see him there still. We had our "celebratory" beers and discussed what went down inside the fort all those hours ago. Talking about it still made me sour. I wasn't sure why. I thought I'd be happy to be rid of Kellogg, but time was proving otherwise. Was it because he was so willing to help me find my son, or was it due to the talk of his family that had been stolen from him, too?

Either way, Nick, Robert, and I talked about the events after we parted ways. He couldn't believe that I, a Pre-War housewife, had somehow made my way into a military-style faction. Initiate, huh? That's impressive. I wonder if you'll work your way up the ranks, Nick had said, seeming a bit unhappy about my decision to join the BOS. But as long as I was able to get support from them in my search for Shaun, he wouldn't object too much.

After catching up with Nick, Robert and I are ready to head home to relax from the day's occurrences.

Setting my rifle next to the door alongside his, I move toward the end of the living room near the workbench. We had put a few cabinets and a small table and couple chairs between the big room and the living room to suffice as a kitchen for those days when we didn't feel like noodles.

"Want anything?" I ask.

"Heck yeah. I've starving." He moves into the "kitchen," sitting on one of the chairs as I bring a plate of leftover mirelurk cakes to the table. We put a couple onto our plates and dig in after a long day.

For several minutes, we eat in silence, happy to have food in our stomachs finally. But as I eat, I think of what happened this morning—how I wasn't the one to kill Kellogg. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. And I have no idea why.

"What are you thinking?" Robert asks suddenly, interrupting my thoughts.

I look up, surprised. "About today. Why?"

"You're never this quiet, and you're kinda worrying me."

"Oh." I look down, picking the last couple bites of cake apart with my fork.

"So, what are you thinking about from today?" Pushy much? I think.

Deciding that it may be a good idea to talk about it, I say, "I'm thinking about Kellogg." I look up at his face. "Why did you kill him?"

"Cause you were about to," he looks a little confused.

"No, I actually wasn't," I clarify. "I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it, but at the moment, I wasn't going to."

A combination of guilt and surprise colour his face. "Oh." A few seconds later, a timid, "Why not?"

I think about it for a second. "I don't know, really." I scoot my cake around the plate. "I mean… I shouldn't have hesitated but I did. He… deserved to die." Saying this doesn't feel quite right to me, like the words shouldn't be in the same sentence. Did he actually deserve to die? A part of my inner conscience questions it.

"He did," Robert agrees. "I'm sorry I took the opportunity away from you, Beth. But I saw you hesitating, and… I don't know. I know what he did to you, and I wanted him dead, so I took the shot. And I'm sorry for it." So, he killed him because of the pain he inflicted on me?

"You weren't even there," I say.

"I didn't need to be. I can see it everytime you talk about it, everytime you have a nightmare. I didn't need to be there to see what he did to you. I needed him dead for you, because seeing you like that hurts me. So, I guess in a way, I needed him dead for me, too. And that's kinda selfish." He waits a minute before continuing. "I am sorry, Beth. It was wrong of me to just assume and make the kill. Forgive me?"

"Of course," I reply automatically. There's no need in thinking that one through—it's a given. No matter how sorry he is, it won't bring Kellogg back. What if he could have helped us? "Shut up," I say to the voice in my head. Why is that voice so prominent today? I don't like it…

"What?" Robert sounds surprised and a little confused by my saying this out loud. He must think I told him that.

"Nothing," I say, not wanting to get into my reasoning for telling myself to be quiet. However confused, he just nods while looking at me, his brows knit together in concern.

We'd moved some of my books downstairs so we could curl up together on the couch and read—apparently I'd gotten him to like books more. After we'd moved to the living room when we were through eating, I sit for a little bit reading distractedly. No longer able to concentrate on my book anymore, I say, "I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep," and stand to go upstairs.

"Uh, okay." He looks after me with yet another confused face as I walk up the steps into our room.

I sit on the bed, taking off my boots, Pip-Boy, and glasses. Setting them in their normal nightly spots, I lay on the bed, facing the wall. I'm not very tired, but I just don't feel like doing anything. I've been staring at the wall for a few minutes when I hear Robert coming up the stairs.

After placing his cap and duster in their respective spots on the dresser, he sits on the side of the bed and takes off his boots. He doesn't say anything until he's lying on his back behind me. "Beth." It's not a question, it's not a demand. It is full of concern and a bit of anxiety.

"Hm?"

"Do I need to be worried?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been acting weird today. I don't know if it's just because your memories came back and you were forced to look them in the eye, or if it's something else. But I hate to see you like this. So, if it's not anything to be worried about, please tell me, so I can just wait it out with you."

I suddenly feel bad for my behaviour. I have been distant, not my normal chatty self. Usually, I tell him if I'm feeling bad—talking about my problems has always helped me. But not today, so I can see why he's upset. I turn to face him and he looks at me expectantly.

"I really don't know," I respond. "I feel… weird. Like a huge weight has been lifted off me. But at the same time, it's like a huge one's been added.

"Kellogg handed me what can help us find Shaun. Who's to say that if he were still alive, he'd be out here, actively searching for him with us. Shoot, if he knew where he was, who's to say he wouldn't just walk us there himself? I've been thinking about that all day.

"That and how he said his wife and daughter were taken from him, too. Just like Nate and Shaun were from me. Almost makes me feel bad for him—like maybe he took jobs like that to sort of take revenge on those who took his family somehow.

"Plus, me joining the Brotherhood of Steel. I'm not even sure how I feel about that. Nate was the military between the two of us. How am I supposed to live in a militaristic environment? Can I even handle it? Can I even—"

Robert cuts me off by placing his hand on my own. "I don't have any answers. And I'm sorry. I really am. I wish I could tell you what will happen, how things need to go for us to get Shaun. But I am here every step of the way. I want you to know that. I'm not leaving, no matter how tough things get. We'll figure this out together. If it will make you feel better, I'll join the Brotherhood myself—if they'd even allow it. Boss-man didn't seem too pleased with my presence alone. But if I have to brown-nose to make rank, I'll do it. Anything." He looks at me with eyes I can't even fathom. They're full of care and so much love. I never thought I'd be looked at like this again. But yet, here he is. So willing to do anything for me.

I scoot closer to him, tucking my head into the crook of his arm as he wraps his arms around me. I don't verbalize it, but he knows I'm grateful beyond all reason. As we lay here, my thoughts start to finally calm down and wander into various places. I decide to let him know what's on my mind after several minutes.

"Hey, Robert?"

"Hm?"

"You know what we should do?" I sit up onto my elbow a little.

"What should we do?" He puts one of his arms behind his head.

"We should build a house."

He raises his eyebrows. "Us? Build a house?" I nod. "I know I learn more about you every day, but I swear, Beth. If you tell me you were a carpenter, too, I'm gonna… do something." He thinks for a second. "I'm gonna tickle you." He chuckles a little when he sees me smile at him, happy to see me getting back to normal.

"You'd tickle me, huh?" I ask him, raising my own brow with a smirk. "Well, I have built some stuff," I challenge him.

"Oh? Like what?" He raises his arm, preparing his tickle hand.

"Like a couple bird houses." He inches his hand closer. "And maybe a few cabinets." Closer. "…Possibly a chair or two."

He closes the gap, wiggling his fingers against my ribs until I start squealing. Amused, he continues his attack against my nerves, threatening to never stop, even as I call, "Uncle!"

"Don't know what that means!" he calls over the din of my giggle fit.

Finally, I get the upper hand and grab his wrists, binding them together with the little force I can manage, and climb on top of him. "Gotcha!" I look down at him with a triumphant smile. From the look on his own face, I'd guess he let me have the advantage.

"I love you." His words are so sudden, so passionate, they catch me off guard. I lose my balance, fall straight down, and almost head butt him in the process. I stare at him in wide-eyed horror for a second before realizing he's smiling. Will I ever love anybody else this easily? I think to myself. Looking him in the eye, I bend down the last few inches and connect my lips with his. I marvel in how soft they are. Seems like after a lifetime without lip balm they'd be chapped really bad in this dusty wasteland. Annnd there goes my mind again. Shut up. I continue to kiss him, deliberately ignoring the annoying voice in the back of my head.

After a few seconds, his hand stretches around my waist, holding me to him. I move my own hand up to his face, caressing the stubble there, feeling the shape of his jaw. And soon, I realize we're going places we never have before. I really don't want to stop, but at the same time, I don't feel ready. Pulling away from him, I look away, afraid I'm hurting him, making him feel rejected.

"I… Sorry," I say.

He reaches up to my neck, cupping his hand around the back of it. "Why are you sorry?"

"Because I pulled away." I keep my gaze averted from his face, afraid to see despondency there.

He rubs his hand gently on my neck. "I'm sure you have your reasons. I'm just so lucky to call you mine." I finally look at him. He has a small grin pasted onto his mouth. "I mean. What're the chances? I'm sitting in a room, separated from the world, when a Pre-War beauty like you walks in. Then to find out that my feelings for you are reciprocated? One in a million odds, right there." Compassion touches his eyes. "So, whatever your reason, it's not rude to me. You don't need to apologize."

"Well," I start. "I'm ready to show you how much I love you, too. But… I don't know. I just don't feel ready at the same time. I really don't know how to explain it."

"You don't have to," he says. "I'll wait as long as it takes." I shake my head, laughing lightly. "What's funny?"

"It's just strange. Not that long ago, we're like complete strangers. Then, after traveling for just a little while, we've developed some sort of connection. It's almost like magic. I used to not believe in it, but with everything I've seen, I'm not so sure anymore. This is just the cherry on top." I bend down and peck him on the lips, and settle down next to him again.

A minute later, he says, "Hey, whenever you are ready, just say the word, okay?"

Laughing, "You're a man. I won't even have to say the word."

Chuckling himself, "No, you won't. You're right on that one."

Feeling more and more like myself, I fall into a deep slumber.