And so Vivian and Goombella retrieved the first Crystal Key, though they did not yet realize its significance. The duo left the University of Goom and made their way back to Rogueport, where they hoped that the Thousand-Year Door could provide them the answers they sought – and that the mysterious spectral figure's dire predictions would not come to pass. With luck, Vivian thought she and Goombella could put a quick end to the Shadow Queen's resurrection.
Little did she know that their adventure had only just begun.
Far, far away, beyond the sky, way above the clouds, it's been said that there's a haven where the Stars live… but I can tell from your face that you've heard this one before, too. Yes, you must be well acquainted with Star Haven, that beautiful sanctuary resting in the cold vacuum of space high above the Mushroom Kingdom. I'm sure you know all about the Haven's gorgeous star-made architecture (or "starchitecture," as we call it in the industry), rainbow roadways, and dizzying numbers of both shooting and stationary stars all working around the clock to grant the wishes of the people on the planet below. You might have even known about Star Haven's complementary inn and shop, which seemed oddly identical to the ones down in Toad Town.
But you probably didn't know about the emergency meeting going on in the Star Sanctuary right this minute. When you picture Star Haven, you picture a tranquil paradise resting in the cosmos. What you don't picture are hordes of stars zooming every which way, shrieking their heads off while a group of seven exhausted Star Spirits try in vain to stop the chaos.
"The Shadow Queen's coming back! The Shadow Queen's coming back!"
"Last time she returned, you could feel the wave of darkness from all the way up here!"
The Star Kids were shaking so badly, they'd become nothing but blurry smears of light. Now, you might think these star people were balls of gas burning billions of miles away, but they weren't. That would be stupid. They were actually glowing yellow people shaped like five-pointed stars who had faces on the center of their bodies and who floated a couple feet off the ground. Much more sensible.
"What if Princess Peach gets possessed again?" one of them asked, tears streaming down his glowing cheeks.
"We won't let that happen, Twink." Kalmar, the Star Spirit with the most skillfully-groomed mustache, gave the Star Kid a soothing pat. Twink nodded and wiped his eyes (He'd gotten that name from the way he twinkled, for the record. The fact that he was so lithe and supple was pure coincidence).
"Everyone calm down and listen to me!"
A hush fell over the stars as every eye turned to their leader, Eldstar. He was the head of the Star Spirits and as such had the largest and most impressive mustache of all.
"Stars are being of light matter," he began. "but the Shadow Queen is a being of dark matter. That makes it our duty to keep her from wreaking havoc upon the world. However, the last time the Shadow Queen was revived, we Star Spirits were unable to intervene." He bowed his head – or rather, his entire five-pointed body. "We were still recovering from the ordeal with Bowser. But this time, not only are we able to lend our full assistance, but the Crystal Stars have already been gathered." He gestured to himself and his six cohorts. They each held a different star-shaped gem in their yellow, pointy arms.
"The Crystal Stars are powerful artifacts created by the Shadow Queen," Eldstar explained. "They were supposed to secure her rule over the planet, but they instead helped to end it. Mario left them with us in case the Shadow Queen ever returned, and now it seems his fears have been realized."
"We received an email from Mario explaining the situation," spoke up Mamar. As a female, she was tragically unable to grow a mustache and instead had distinguished herself from the other Star Spirits via a pink bow. It just wasn't the same, though. "We're right next to a satellite, so we get a fantastic signal up here. I'm talking hours of totally uninterrupted video streaming-"
Eldstar pointedly cleared his throat. "If the Queen's resurrection can't be stopped, the Crystal Stars will at least give us a solid fighting chance against her."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," said Twink. "All we have to do is go give the Crystal Stars back to Mario, and then he can kick the Shadow Queen's butt again!"
But Eldstar shook his head. "Mario is busy restoring the Paint Stars of Prism Island. They are the source of magical life-giving paint, and thus his task is of equal importance."
"But who else is supposed to save the day?" Twink looked pensive. "If only Mario had a relative with all the same powers as him, like a sister or something… Ah, well, can't think of anyone."
"We won't be needing Mario this time." Eldstar turned to the sanctuary's entrance. "We've called in help from an old friend..."
"Ooh!" The Star Kids turned their attention to the entrance. Coming through it now was another star-themed creature, only rather than being totally star-shaped, this one was actually a golden, bipedal sphere with a five-pointed star sticking out the top of her head.
"S'cuse me, representative of the Star Sprites coming through. I'm kind of a big deal."
"Starlow?" Eldstar called out to her. "Is she here yet?"
The Star Sprite nodded. "Well, there's a giant comet coming towards us, so either she's here or we should probably be worried."
On the planet below, countless Toads were expressing shock and confusion over the sight of a massive comet streaking through the sky, raining Star Bits as it went. This wasn't supposed to happen again for another century! They hadn't even had time to prepare a festival! The comet made a beeline for Star Haven, but fortunately it came to a halt mere inches in front of it.
"It's her! It's her!" The group of Stars ran out of the sanctuary and to the Haven's edge. Now that it'd slowed its spinning, the "comet" had revealed itself to actually be an enormous, elegant observatory. It was like a mix between a high-tech spaceship and a lavish mansion, and every inch of it was crawling with mewing Lumas. Lumas were kind of like Star Kids, but with a serious eating problem.
A tall human woman stepped off the far edge of the Comet Observatory and onto the far edge of Star Haven. She greeted the Stars with a pleasant smile, but she was met with silence. The Stars were too busy gawking at her. To put it bluntly, this woman made Princess Peach look like Waluigi. Her short, platinum hair had been expertly filled in with colored pencil, with each stroke representing a separate strand. The fair complexion of her paper body was done with a light pastel, which perfectly offset the teal ink of her elegant dress. Lastly, the woman wore the most adorable star-themed earrings and a silver crown, both of which had been drawn with a glitter marker, giving them an extra shine. You'd be hard-pressed to find a prettier face in the entire observable universe.
Finally, Eldstar broke the silence. "Rosalina, my dear! I'm relieved you made it here on such short notice."
Rosalina curtseyed. "I lingered around this planet for a while after the Star Festival. I was adventuring with some friends in the Sprixie Kingdom." Her voice was unfailingly soft and delicate, as if she'd spent millennia with no one but small children to talk to.
Eldstar's mustache curled upwards. "There's no one we'd trust more with the Crystal Stars, my dear."
"I'm flattered." Rosalina withdrew a magic wand from her sleeve – the standard kind that looked like a stick with a small star at the end. With a wave, she gathered the seven Crystal Stars towards her, and then they vanished into a magical storage dimension. Video game collectables are weird like that. "I was off-planet the last two times the Shadow Queen threatened this world, but this time, I will do everything in my power to stop her."
"We would love to join you, but we can't abandon our wish-granting duties. However..." Eldstar turned back towards the Sanctuary. "...we were able to call in additional help for you."
On cue, another person emerged from the Star Sanctuary. This one was no human, though, but rather a living, life-sized wooden doll. His body had been colored in with brown crayon to represent the texture of wood. Curly orange yarn poked out from beneath his blue cap, and a matching blue shawl had been draped over his shoulders. A heavy marker had been used to make his clothing appear dark and inky, and the doll's oversized eyes had been molded into a permanent, intense stare.
"My lady." The doll fell to one knee before Rosalina – though she towered over him even at his full height. "I vow to protect you during our quest."
"Oh! Hello, there." Rosalina's face lit up. Meeting new people was a rare treat for her. She was kinda like one of those crazy cat ladies, only replace cats with Lumas. "I don't believe I've made your acquaintance. I'm Rosalina, keeper of the Comet Observatory."
"My name is *$!?," said *$!?, "but it's, err, a bit tricky to pronounce, so you can call me-"
"No, don't worry, I'm quite fluent in the star language." Rosalina carefully sounded out each syllable. "*$!?."
*$!?'s painted eyeballs were in serious danger of popping out of their nonexistent sockets. "But- But no mortal has ever pronounced that right!"
Rosalina merely giggled at this.
"*$!? here is our finest star warrior," spoke up Skolar, a bespectacled Star Spirit with a disgracefully tiny mustache.
"I'm actually a star, myself," said *$!?. "I've simply chosen to possess this doll that I… borrowed from a Toad child. It's the physical form I'm the most comfortable in. Long story."
"*$!? helped repair the Star Road when a terrible villain shattered it," added Misstar, a pink Star Spirit wrapped in a not-at-all-flamboyant feather boa.
"Impressive." Rosalina met *$!?'s gaze, though it required her to crouch. "It's an honor to travel with you."
"Th- The pleasure's all mine." You might not have thought it was possible for a doll to blush, but *$!? would prove you wrong.
Next, Rosalina turned back towards the Observatory. Floating at the edge was a rare black-colored Luma. Despite basically being a palette swap of the standard yellow kind, you could somehow tell he held seniority over the others. "Polari, I'm counting on you to watch the Observatory and keep your fellow Lumas safe while I'm gone."
The black Luma bowed. "I won't fail you, my lady."
"Now then, let's delay no longer." Rosalina nodded to *$!?, and then the two of them made for the Haven's exit. "We need to stop the Shadow Queen's revival."
"I can help with that," said *$!?. "I scouted out the Palace of Shadow before coming here. The area is filled with dark spirits. I suspect that one of them conspires to revive the Queen, but I met another, friendlier spirit who tasked me with collecting seven magical items known as the 'Crystal Keys.' I think we can trust her. I was even given a lead on where the first key might be..."
"That sounds straightforward enough," said Rosalina. "If we act quickly, hopefully we can prevent the Shadow Queen's resurrection without any conflict."
But before the two of them could leave, Eldstar suddenly called out, "Wait!" The duo hesitated and glanced back at him. "There's one last thing we must give you, Rosalina. Follow us."
The Star Spirits led the girl and doll inside the Star Sanctuary and towards the center of the complex. There, resting on a platform, was a shimmering staff. It was not dissimilar from Rosalina's wand, except that this one was much taller and fancier, and it crackled with unbridled power.
"This is the Star Rod." Eldstar's voice was uncharacteristically grave. "It has the power to grant any wish… to an extent." He hovered right by Rosalina's face, staring her down. "We're entrusting you with this legendary treasure, my dear, but you must swear to us that you will only use it in a dire emergency. The usage of such a powerful wish-granting item can have unforeseen consequences." He shared a look with his six comrades. "We all remember what happened the last time it fell into the wrong hands."
Rosalina solemnly accepted the Star Rod. "I'm touched that you would give me such a responsibility. I swear to you, I will not misuse the Rod's powers."
Eldstar beamed at her. "We know you won't. You're a special girl, Rosalina. Now go."
Rosalina curtseyed one last time, and then she and her new companion exited the sanctuary with the Star Rod and Crystal Stars in hand. Their voices grew fainter and fainter as the pair shrank on the horizon:
"Well, my lady, we'd best hurry and collect those Crystal Keys. I'm sure you hate being away from your husband for too long..."
Rosalina giggled again. "Oh, I'm not married. I live alone, except for my Lumas."
"Really?" *$!? wiped condensation from his wooden brow. "How interesting!"
The Mushroom Kingdom's Rogueport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than the one full of Bzzaps that dangled above the door to the Rogueport inn. The interior of this inn, however, was a surprisingly warm and inviting locale. On the ground floor was an old watering hole known as Podley's Place, where thirsty sailor Bob-ombs and Squeeks gathered to guzzle gallons of delicious, fizzy Chuckola Cola.
Podley's Place also contained a certain long-nosed, purple-haired, yellow-skinned, foppish aristocrat, who between cola-induced belches was busy reciting his one hundred percent factual life's story to all who would listen: "...and we spent hours wandering the strangest of port cities in which everything was painted red, until finally the navigator slapped his forehead and went, 'Ohhhh, you wanted to sail to ROGUE-port!"
But this wasn't the only colorful character in the bar. There was also quite a bizarre duo slouched over the bar's countertop. One was a squat, round man dressed in a shabby-looking black uniform with a giant white X on the chest. He wore white gloves, a flowing red cape, purple pants, and a purple cap with viking-like horns on it. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of goggles, making it difficult to judge his mood at any given time.
And resting on the counter beside him was what appeared to be a large, black egg turned on its side with goggles glued to the bottom and a window showing off the intricate machinery within. You wouldn't have known it was a person if it hadn't been sobbing hysterically.
"I'm a joke... I'm a joke… Gimme another cola."
"I think you've had enough, Sir Grodus." The cape-wearing man gave the disembodied, robotic head a sympathetic pat.
"I used to be an evil mastermind, you know." Grodus made a vain attempt to lap up the last few cola drops from his overturned cup. "I had an entire secret organization at my command. We even had a moon base. A moon base!"
"Mmm hmm." The Beanish bartender gave a polite nod as he cleaned out a glass with a filthy rag. "I'm sure your moon base was very impressive."
"I went to all that trouble to revive the Shadow Queen so we could rule this miserable planet, and what did I get in return? That stupid witch completely emasculated me!"
"There, there, sir." His minion continued to pat his head. "You know I'll build you a new robotic body as soon as I can afford the parts."
"Oh, what's the point, Crump?" Grodus broke down into another round of hysterical sobs. "All of my minions have left me by now."
Crump stroked Grodus's sleek, metal forehead. "All but one, sir," he said softly. "We will return the X-Nauts to their former glory. I swear it."
"Ohhh, Crump," Grodus said, slurred, "maybe this is the cola talking, but- but over these last few months, I feel like the two of us have grown awfully-"
"Hey, excuse me?" cut in the bartender.
Grodus turned to face him, an act that required his disembodied head to bounce in place. "What do you want, Podley?"
"Did I hear you say you're an enemy of the Shadow Queen?" frowned Podley. "The other day, this weird wooden doll walked in here asking about her. He said he needed to collect these thingamabobs to stop her resurrection. I think he called them 'Crystal Keys.'"
"What?" Grodus rolled backwards off the counter in shock, and Crump had to scramble to catch him before he cracked his head / entire body on the floor. "Crystal Keys? Could it be that the Shadow Queen created other mystic items in addition to the Crystal Stars?"
"Hmm..." Crump scratched his chin. "If these so-called Crystal Keys are as powerful as the Crystal Stars, we could harness their power to fuel my machinery. We wouldn't make the mistake of bothering to revive the Shadow Queen again. We could cut out the middleman and enslave the planet ourselves. Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh!"
"That's genius, Crump!" Grodus gave the minion an affectionate nuzzle from within his arms. "Let's hunt for Crystal Keys at once. This could be it! This could be the X-Nauts' chance to reclaim our former digni-"
Before he could finish expressing that sentiment, a stray Chain Chomp pounced out of hiding, grabbed Grodus's head in its maw, and bolted out of the inn.
"What the-? Put me down, you mutt! Cruuuuuump, heeeeeeeelp meeeeeee~~~!"
Author's Note: The name "*$!?" was originally typed as "heart, musical note, exclamation mark, question mark" symbols, which is exactly what Geno says his real name is in Super Mario RPG, but unfortunately this website won't allow me to use those symbols. You can see the intended effect over on the Archive of Our Own version of this fanfic.