"Honey, I need you to let me up so I can take this off," Olivia whispered after they had laid there in silence for a while.

"I'm not ready for you to take it off," Alex said as she reached out and traced the length with her finger, "You know, I remember this being bigger.'

"Well, they do come in different sizes."

"I am more than aware of that," Alex said laughing as she raised her head and playfully slapped at Olivia, "They also come in different shapes and colors as well."

"Well, then why do we have a tan one?"

"Because it was the one that most matched your skin tone. I thought if I had gotten one that was close to your skin tone it would be easier for me to go through with the whole process."

"If you think of it as a process, then you're not ready to take that step, Alex."

"That's how I thought of it at the time I bought it and considered asking you for this."

"How do you think of it now?"

"As making love," Alex answered as she smiled at Olivia, "I want you to make love to me with it."

"I need to set a few ground rules if we go through with this, okay?"

"Sure."

"You are in complete control at all times. If at any time it seems like I am losing control or doing something that you don't like, stop me any way you can."

"Fair enough," Alex said as she trialed her hand down back down Olivia's torso toward the toy that was causing so much tension between the two, "The same goes for you."

"I'm not the one who was raped with it," Olivia almost moaned out as she watched Alex trail her finger up and down the phallus again. It took all she had not to thrust into her hand.

"I don't remember it being a little soft like this either. I swear the ones she used were made of stone, or at least that's the way it felt each time she would thrust it in to me. I don't ever remember it not hurting when she used it on me."

"She used it to control you."

"You won't though," Alex said looking up into Olivia's eyes.

Olivia shook her head 'no' unable to find her voice.

"I bought some lubrication as well," Alex said looking away, "I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get wet enough for you to use it on me."

"Are you wet?" Olivia asked.

"I am."

"Are you wet enough for the toy though?"

"You tell me," Alex said as she took Olivia's hand and guided it to her center allowing her to feel how wet she was.

"Yeah, you're wet," Olivia gasped as she fought to maintain control over herself.

"I'm wet because of you," Alex whispered into Olivia's ear, "I'm wet because I know how safe I am with you. I'm wet because I want you to make love to me with it. Will you?"

"Yes," Olivia moaned as she rolled over on top of Alex and smiled down at the blonde below her.

Alex ran her hands up and down Olivia's sides before loosely wrapping them around her and pulling her closer.

"No, Alex, I don't want you to feel trapped," Olivia said pushing herself back up.

"I love you," Alex said smiling up at Olivia who was still doing everything that she could not to scare her.

"I love you, too, honey," Olivia whispered as she began to kiss her way down Alex's body stopping to at her right breast, "You have such a beautiful body. I am always amazed when you reveal yourself to me."

"Even with my scars?" Alex asked as she made an attempt to cover some that was on her front.

"Your scars are what make you so beautiful," Olivia answered as she nudged Alex's hand away and kissed one of the scars, "It tells the story of your life and what you have overcome."

"You make me feel beautiful," Alex admitted with a smile on her face

"Honey, I don't make you feel beautiful, you are beautiful," Olivia said as she raised herself back up so she could look into the blonde's eyes, "Never let anyone tell you any different."

Alex nodded as she felt the tears fall from her eyes.

Olivia kissed the tears that had fallen from Alex's eyes and pulled back until Alex had opened her eyes and was looking at her.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked. She had to know with a doubt that Alex was ready and this was what she wanted.

"Yes," Alex breathed.

"Okay," Olivia said as she reached for the lubrication that was sitting on the night stand before carefully rolling off of Alex.

"Put some on me?" Olivia asked as she held the bottle out, "Or would you prefer that I did it?"

Alex took the bottle of lubrication from Olivia and poured a generous amount onto her hand. She smiled up at Olivia before she reached down and began to rub the lubrication onto the phallus.

Olivia groaned as she watched Alex stroke the phallus. She tried to remind herself that she had to take it slow, but it was so hard as she watched Alex work the lubrication on the phallus.

"You like watching that?" Alex asked when she heard Olivia moan and realized her eyes were glued to what she was doing.

"Not as much as I'm going to like being buried deep in you," Olivia said as she rolled back over onto Alex and positioned the phallus at her opening. She was about to push into Alex when she looked up and saw that her eyes were clenched shut and her breathing was ragged, "Alex, relax and stay with me. I didn't mean to scare you; I'm sorry."

"Olivia…"

"Yeah, it's me," Olivia whispered as she started to roll off of Alex but stopped when she wrapped her legs around her to hold her into place, "Honey, let me off of you before I send you all the way into a flashback, okay?"

"I want you in me."

"Alex…"

"Please, just give me a minute."

"Open your eyes and look at me," Olivia ordered, "I can and will stop now, honey, do not feel as if you have to push yourself for me."

"I know, but I want this."

"Then you tell me when to continue."

"I will."

Olivia held herself above Alex as she watched the blonde beauty fight her inner demons. She had several times attempted to move off Alex, but each time was stopped by her. She could only assume that it was a good sign that she was holding her there and hadn't had a flash back yet. She was about to call her name to get her attention when she finally opened her eyes and looked at her.

"I love you," Alex whispered as she nodded for Olivia to continue.

"I love you, too," Olivia whispered as she once again lined the phallus up with her opening, "You ready?"

"Slowly?"

Olivia nodded as she focused on slowly entering Alex. She had to swallow hard and bite her cheek to keep focus when Alex groaned, throwing her head back and encouraging her on by arching up to meet her.

"Alex, look at me, are you okay?" Olivia pleaded when she was buried as deep as she could go in Alex.

"I am."

Olivia studied Alex's eyes for any signs of a flashback or fear. She breathed a sigh of relief when there was none. Slowly, still not wanting to scare her, she pulled the phallus out and just as slowly pushed back in.

Alex moaned at the feelings she was feeling. She was sure that the second she felt the phallus entering her she would be in a flash back, but instead she was calm and could only hear Olivia's voice.

Olivia continued a slow steady pace of pulling out and entering Alex. She had never felt as wonderful using a toy as she did at that moment. In the past, it had always been a means to an end. A way to exert control over who she was with, but, with Alex, it wasn't. With Alex, it was about love and nothing more.

"Honey, please more," Alex pleaded as she wrapped her legs around Olivia's waist, encouraging her to go faster and deeper.

Olivia groaned when Alex pushed her heels into her lower back. Oh god, if she wasn't careful she was going to lose control with her.

"Please, baby, harder," Alex pleaded again sensing Olivia's hesitation, "I want it harder."

Olivia finally giving into Alex's pleas began to thrust harder and harder into Alex. It was almost as if she could feel her muscles contracting and releasing around the phallus. As hard as she could, she couldn't bite back the groan that rumbled from her throat.

"YES, baby, YES," Alex cried as her first wave hit her, "YESSSSSS!"

Olivia thrust harder and harder into Alex as she felt herself fall over the edge as well. Her hips instinctually slowing her thrust drawing out their orgasm as much as possible.

"Alex," Olivia finally choked out once she was able to find her voice and calm her heart that was beating out of her chest. She felt her world shatter when she realized that Alex was crying, "Oh god, I knew better."

"NO," Alex cried as she held Olivia tighter against her, "That was perfect, you were perfect."

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked as she began crying herself. She knew she should have focused more on Alex and not give in to her pending orgasm.

"I never knew it could be so good," Alex whispered as she kissed Olivia, "I never knew it could be so good."

"I didn't hurt you?" Olivia sobbed out.

"Oh no, honey," Alex cried with Olivia, "You could never hurt me."

As carefully as she could, Olivia pulled out of Alex and quickly removed the phallus, tossing it to the floor. She rolled over and pulled Alex tight against her before covering them both with the blanket.

"I love you, Olivia Benson," Alex whispered as she brought her hand up to her lips and kissed it.

"I love you, too, baby," Olivia whispered as she kissed the back of Alex's head as she heard Alex yawn, "Just rest now and we will discuss this later, okay?"

"Mmmkay," Alex mumbled already falling asleep in the safety of Olivia's arms.