"What are you talking about? I'm obviously a girl, not that it's any of your business! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a more polite person to dance with."
That's what Vivian wanted to say. What actually came out of her mouth was a series of strangled gurgling noises.
"Eww, gross! You tricked me!" Apparently, having every eye in the club on him only egged Boorad on.
"Y-You asked to dance with me..." Vivian was shocked she could make her voice work at all. She had a feeling her face had more red than purple right about now.
Vivian couldn't keep herself from glancing at the surrounding crowd. From a rational viewpoint, she knew that she wasn't anything special, and people had better things to do than stare at some random girl. The vast majority of the clubgoers ignored Boorad's outburst and went back to their drinking and dancing. The problem was, Vivian's social anxiety didn't care what her rational viewpoint had to say. The handful of snickers the outburst had earned from the crowd was more than enough to twist Vivian's stomach into a pretzel.
Even worse, a couple people even came forward to Boorad's "defense."
"Hey, Boorad, is this guy bothering you?" One of them was a Toad who'd buzzed the sides of his mushroom cap to appear tougher.
"Nah," said Boorad, "he just almost tricked me into dancing with him. What a creep."
Vivian had to resist the urge to cast a Fiery Jinx on herself.
"Ah, it's one of those people." One of Boorad's defenders turned out to be the club's DJ himself – an orange, baritone Yoshi with eyes hidden behind a super edgy black-and-red visor.
Vivian found herself floating slowly backwards. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Somehow, she could tell the Yoshi was giving her a scathing look behind that thing. "A boy is a boy. You can't say you're actually a girl."
Vivian's fists were clenched so hard, she was afraid her nails would tear the gloves. "Well, that's kind of a semantics argument, isn't it? Not everyone's going to agree with your own personal definitions..."
"In that case, I define myself as a Koopa Clown Copter!" The Toad burst out laughing at his own joke.
"T-That's not the same..."
"Thinking you're something that you're not is a mental illness!" cut in the Yoshi. "Why should we encourage the delusions of a crazy person?"
"What? That's horrid-!" The words caught in her throat. What was Vivian supposed to say to that? What combination of words could possibly make these people understand?
They weren't her. They hadn't felt that creeping sense of wrongness as they grew up. They hadn't scratched at their bodies until they bled because they hated them so much. They hadn't felt that relief when you finally dress out, and for the first time, it all goes away, and… you're you. They didn't have nightmares where Beldam comes and takes all your girl clothes and forces you to cut your hair. It sounded silly, but damned if it didn't leave Vivian in tears every time she had it.
No. These people could never be made to understand that. There was no point even bothering to try.
Beneath her bangs, Vivian's eyes were trembling. Nope, nope, don't you dare cry in front of these jerks! If Vivian cried in front of them, she was going to hate herself forever. She frantically skimmed the crowd, but Goombella had long ago vanished from sight. Probably drunk out of her mind by now. No one was coming to Vivian's rescue.
"I think you'd better leave the dance floor, pal." Vivian was jilted from her thoughts by Boorad. He'd invaded her personal space again, only this time was considerably less charming. "And don't even think about trying to get those free drinks. I'm warning the bouncer about you."
"O-Okay..." One hex. One hex from Vivian, and these jerks would be running for the hills, but… she couldn't get herself kicked out yet. Not before she found the Crystal Key. Besides, her magic would set off the sprinklers, and then people would be really unhappy with Vivian.
And so Vivian drifted off the dance floor without further argument. She wished she could've drifted off this plane of existence. Countless eyes darted the other way as she passed them.
"Nerrrrrr! Don't worry!" said a random, squarish chameleon as she passed by. "I think traps are really cute, even if liking them does make you gay!"
Vivian buried her face even farther beneath the rim of her hat. As soon as the quest for the Crystal Keys was over with, she was never leaving her bedroom again. Dang it, why was the world so intent on stomping Vivian into the dirt? She'd felt so good about herself after the encounter with Goombich. She thought she passed! Guess it was her fault for trusting the judgment of Goombich, of all people.
But then suddenly, every eye that'd been pretending not to stare at Vivian shot towards the stage. Huh, what? Vivian couldn't help but move her attention to the stage, too, and then plant her purple butt in the chair of the nearest table. She welcomed the distraction, really. From the sheer volume of whistles and catcalls that filled the club, you'd think the heavens were about to open up, not the curtains. Apparently, those apes had finished their musical number, and it was time for the next performer to start.
A spotlight shone upon the center of the curtains… and then came the singing:
"You had plenty quarters,
Nineteen... eighty-one."
From behind the curtain, out stepped a single, shapely leg. And then, in one synchronous action, the band kicked in, the curtains flew open, and out stepped a figure that left the audience in silent awe.
"You went to the arcade.
It was... lots of fun."
That smooth, flawless skin. Those full, round lips. Those legs. That sparkling dress. That perfect figure. True, this woman wasn't skillfully shaded in with watercolors and pastels like Princess Peach, but somehow, the looseness of the hot pink sharpie over her soft, paper body only added to the singer's allure. And true, her voice was a bit huskier than Vivian would've expected, but that only added to her grandeur. One thing was for sure – She was far prettier than Vivian could ever hope to be.
"Why don't you do riiiiiight,
Like the plumber mehhhhhh-n do?"
The singer turned sideways as she strutted, revealing her bare back to the crowd, not a hint of shame on her face.
"This joystick here-"
One of the fans had gotten a bit too close to her stage. A casual kick from her heel sent him flying.
"-lets me be playerrrrrr two."
Vivian had to force her jaw shut. What kind of species was this singer? Definitely not a human, that was for sure.
"Now if you are prepared,
Take me... to your place."
Vivian nearly did a pratfall. The stage jutted out towards the dining area, and the singer was strolling down it… straight towards her!
"Get ready to receive,
Some egg… on yo' face."
At one of the nearest tables, a Koopa Troopa had risen out of his seat. The singer coolly placed a hand over his head and pushed him back down, her singing uninterrupted.
"Why don't you do riiiiiiiight,
Like the plumber mehhhhhh-n do?"
The club's owner had helped the singer descend off the stage, and then in one silky movement, the singer slinked behind the owner to massage his shoulders.
"This joystick here,
Lets me be playerrrrrr two."
And then the unthinkable happened. The singer took notice of the cowering Vivian and glided towards her. Vivian was far too paralyzed to object. The singer, hand on her hip, met the eyes hiding beneath Vivian's curly pink bangs.
"This joystick here..."
By the time the singer had seated herself on Vivian's lap, her lips moving ever so closer, Vivian's brain had basically turned into noodles.
"-lets me be playerrrrrr two."
At the last possible second, the singer grabbed Vivian's hat and playfully shoved it into her face. Vivian hurried to return the hat to its proper place, blushing, only to realize that the singer had used that time to move behind her. And now for the showstopper...
"Why don't you do riiiiiiiiight?"
The crowd roared as the singer spread herself across the stage, showing off every last inch of her legs.
"Like the plumber mehhhhhhhh-n…"
And then, in a quick motion, she was leaning towards Vivian again.
"-dooooooooooooooooooooooo~~~?"
Before Vivian could so much as flinch, the singer had grabbed her by the shoulder and tugged until the two's lips were mere inches apart, all the while holding the final note of the song. Then the singer slinked backwards, taking one last look at Vivian as she strutted off towards center stage. She was still holding the "oooooo" as the curtain fell.
The applause was deafening.
"Whoo! We love you, Birdo!"
"Anyone who says you're past your prime is a LIAR!"
"I'll see you in Subcon, Birdo, because YOU'RE IN ALL OF MY DREAMS!"
The only silence in the entire nightclub emanated from Vivian. Beside herself with shock, she turned back to the dance floor. There were eyes on her again, but for an entirely different reason.
Vivian deemed this a good time to shrink into her Shadow Veil.
Once she was out of sight, Boorad turned back to give his companions a smug smirk. "What a performance! Finally, we got to see a real woman!"
"What did you just say to me, you lanky twit? Do I LOOK like a guy in drag to you?"
Meanwhile, back at the cola bar, the bartender had gotten himself into a heated argument with a certain turtle.
"Well..."
"I'll have you know I'm the youngest and most beautiful Magikoopa in the entire Koopa clan!" The she-Koopa pushed her triangular glasses up her nose as her wrinkled face contorted with rage. You might not have been able to tell she was a turtle with her telltale shell hidden beneath her purple witch robes.
From the woman's side, a much smaller Koopa muttered, "I'd hate to see the other Magikoopas, then..."
"Alright, alright, I'm-a sorry about that." Finally, the bartender caved in and handed her a glass of uncensored Chuckola Cola. "Some Boo just-a wah-rned me that there's a crossdresser trying to steal-a some free drinks, that's all."
The Magikoopa made an indignant sniff as she accepted her glass.
"Hey, hey, what about me, Kammy?" asked the young Koopa at her knee. He had a tuft of red hair in a ponytail, and around his neck was a bandanna with a design depicting a mouthful of fangs. "Can I get a drink?"
"Oh, please, Junior," Kammy Koopa scoffed, "you're not even old enough to have the parental lock removed on your Switch."
"Phht. Lame." Bowser Jr. folded his papery arms. "I miss the three-dimensional Bowser Jr. He's the only cool person I've ever met..."
"Look, I'm not exactly thrilled to be babysitting you, either!" Kammy pointed an accusing claw at Junior as she took a swig of cola. "I can't believe Lord Bowser didn't invite me to Prism Island… Ever since Mario and his stupid friends beat us at the Palace of Shadow, His Aloofness has totally forgotten I exist!" She took another swig. At this point, it sounded like she was talking more to herself than to Junior. "And now stupid Kamek's stolen my job… I'd like to slap him with a flip-flop… Or better yet, I'd like to slap around those stupid members of Mario's party."
Bowser Jr.'s nonexistent turtle ears pricked up at this. "Mario Party? You mean that thing where we all get together and play a giant board game?"
"No, no, Your Tininess," said Kammy, "I mean 'party' as in a team of adventurers. It's a common RPG trope. But alas, I'm sure Mario has forgotten about his one-time party members by now, just as His Forgetfulness has forgotten about me. We'll probably never see those little twerps ever ag-"
"Dat's… Dat's Camel Koopa!" Kammy was interrupted by a random Goomba chick stumbling up to them, an empty cola glass floating beside her, and attempting to read random entries out of her Tattle Log. "She'sh an evil old snitch who's always helpin' Bow Wow out. Max Eyyy Points ish fitty, Attack ish 5, and Defense ish purple. When her cola getsh low, she may also use magic to electrify her invisible… focus." She ended up letting her glass shatter on the ground so that she could try and give Kammy a big hug, despite the total futility of that action from an anatomical standpoint. "Hey, I- I really feel for you, Camel. Havin' to hang out with Bow Wow all the time… You're my besht friend. I love you."
"Get off of me, you basic frat girl!" Kammy wasted no time pushing the Goomba away. "Wait a minute… You look familiar..."
"Yeah, of course she does," snorted Bowser Jr. "She's a Goomba. We've got a million just like her back at the castle."
"No, that's not in." Kammy rose off of her bar stool and walked over to the girl. "Hey, you!"
"Hey, Camel Cooties." The Goomba seemed to be having a hard time standing up straight, and so instead she leaned against a random dude she'd found in the crowd. "Meet mah new boyfriend. Ishn't he a cutie?"
"Ahh, oui, mademoiselle, finally, you 'ave come to appreciate mah charm, no?" Said boyfriend was, apparently, a blue Doogan with a fluffy pink afro and a white disco suit.
"OUT OF THE WAY, FUQBOI!" A quick hex from Kammy's wand sent the Doogan fleeing with his pink hair ablaze ("Quelle horreur!"). Then, Kammy grabbed the Goomba co-ed by the collar. "You wouldn't happen to be a friend of Mario's, would you, my dear?"
At this, the Goomba let out a moan (and a hiccup). "Mario… The cutesht guy of all… I wish HE wash mah boyfriend… but I got totally friend-zoned..."
Kammy snorted. "Sheesh, he saves the princess a couple times, and suddenly every girl in the Mushroom Kingdom wants Mario to plunge their toilets... Wait a minute!" Behind her shiny glasses, Kammy's eyes lit up. "Mario friend-zoned you? Then you are one of his friends!"
"And that means if we kidnap her, Mario will come save her like he always does!" spoke up Bowser Jr.
"Only this time, your father will have weakened him from their showdown on Prism Island!" added Kammy. "He's been acting weird ever since he got painted black. Maybe that magic paint made him super powerful or something? By the time Mario comes to rescue Blondie here, he'll be worn down! Easy pickings!"
"Yeah!" Bowser Jr. did a fist-pump. "Mario may have thwarted the Koopa clan's last five hundred eighty-seven kidnapping attempts, but this time will be different! I can feel it!"
For the record, Vivian could hear the outside world perfectly clearly from inside her Shadow Veil. "A real woman," Boorad had said. He couldn't resist twisting the knife, could he?
When Vivian reemerged from her Shadow Veil, she was in a different location. Short-range shadow teleportation was one of the perks of being a Shadow Siren. Now she was up on The Mushy Mushroom's balcony. Alone. With the performances going on downstairs, Vivian doubted anyone else would be up here for a while. Good. She didn't think she could stand even one more pair of eyes gawking at her.
Vivian took several quick, involuntary gasps of the city's cool night air. Look, she wasn't a total ditz – Vivian knew she cried way too often, even when you took into account all the new estroplasm flowing inside her shadowy veins. For about the billionth time that day, Vivian wiped her eyes on her glove, sniffling. Beldam was right, Vivian did need to get thicker skin. But it wasn't like Vivian could simply flip a switch inside her brain and make herself stop being upset. It was so unfair…
At this rate, Vivian would never find the Crystal Key, and she'd never reunite with Goombella. Vivian was such a screw-up… She wasn't smart like Goombella or beautiful like Birdo or… or brave like Mario. Mario. Even thinking that name made Vivian's heart hurt. She'd give anything to have him be here right now.
"Wahoo! Let's-a go!"
"Wha-?" Vivian impulsively spun towards the sound of that voice. For a wild second, she thought Doopliss had tracked her down somehow, but no… it was a television. A small, heavy television that still had bunny ears like something out of the stone age. Apparently, it'd been left on a nearby table for people to listen to on the balcony.
"That's right, folks, what you're seeing here is live footage taken by our own Lakitodd above Prism Island." Onscreen, the voice of the famous reporter Kylie Koopa spoke over an aerial shot of a massive, floating island connected to the island below by a rainbow bridge. Atop this island was a giant, dark castle shaped like the face of the infamous King Bowser Koopa, and it shook with each blow of the epic battle undoubtedly taking place within its walls. "It would seem Mario is locked in a life-or-death struggle with Bowser to rescue the kidnapped Princess Peach. In other news, high chance of rain this weekend..."
Vivian found herself floating towards the screen. Apparently, the news people had deemed the current battle too boring, and so they'd opted to instead play archival news footage of some of Mario's previous victories against Bowser. There was the time Bowser had fought Mario from his Koopa Clown Copter in Dinosaur Land, the time he'd grown gigantic when he and Mario were only babies, a fight in a, err, giant bathtub filled with green slime, and, of course, the classic "collapsing bridge" fight.
Vivian couldn't help but coo as she watched. Look at him go. It was like she could reach through the screen and touch that mustache. Now they were showing Mario lobbing Bowser into some mines by his tail. What a hero! Well, actually, the part where he called Bowser "gay" seemed uncharacteristically crude of Mario, but Vivian was willing to let that slide. Maybe this was old footage from when Mario was an edgy teenager or something.
Vivian slouched over the table, palms on her cheeks, as she gazed at the screen. Watching Mario in action always made her feel better. But then… she came onscreen.
"You've saved me again, Mario!" came the voice from the TV. "How could I ever thank you…? I know! I'll bake you your own cake!"
And then that- that woman's lips drew towards Mario's nose. Vivian flinched and shut her eyes. She could never stand that part. She'd been feeling better a second ago, but now Vivian's stomach had started churning all over again. She feebly pressed the TV's power button, causing the screen to wink out. Vivian stared at her gloves. She should've told Goombella… told her she knew exactly how Goombella felt. But how could she? Vivian had never voiced those feelings aloud before, even when she was totally alone.
They were stupid feelings, anyways. Everyone knew Princess Peach was Mario's true love. Yes, Princess Peach Toadstool, who was skinny, delicate, conventional, beautiful… Everything Vivian wasn't. Vivian had never been kidnapped in her life, and she couldn't even make toast without burning it. How was she ever supposed to win Mario's heart? Peach… Peach would never have gotten picked on by Boorad and his cronies…
Vivian drifted away from the TV and towards the balcony's only other feature – a lone karaoke machine. Vivian's eyes squeezed shut as she thought of that gorgeous dinosaur woman. Vivian could never hope to be half as alluring as Birdo, but, when she was by herself… she could at least pretend.
With a click, the machine hummed to life. A gentle piano medley filled the air as Vivian began to sing:
"Player one.
No one to play Luigi.
All alone,
I walk him to the flagpole."
Slowly, Vivian turned around, floating across the balcony with her back to the machine.
"Without him,
I feel his mustache on me.
And when I want to play my NES...
Then he has drawn me."
Her eyes squeezed shut.
"In world two, the brick blocks shine like Staaaaarmen.
And I think I may make theeeeee assumption,
Down the Warp Pipe, the blocks are full of gold coins.
And I can't see why you won't be my Jumpman, oh, my Jumpman!"
For a second, Vivian had grown excited, but now she again grew more subdued:
"And I know... it's only on theeeeee screeeeeeen.
That I'm talking to pixels... and not to him.
And although I know that he's not keeeeeeeeeeeen,
Still I say... there's a way for us."
She bowed her head, shoulders trembling.
"Mario.
Oh, when the game is over,
He is gone.
The plumber's just a plumber."
There was a sniffle.
"I know that,
I can't compete with hiiiiis queeeeeen.
If we hooked up, we'd soon break up.
I'd end up dumped like Pauline!"
But then in an instant, the gentleness was gone, and Vivian was singing at the top of her voice as the music swelled to a crescendo:
"MARIO!
Now every day I'm learning!
All my liiiiiife,
I have onlyyyyyyy been gaaaaaaaaaaming!"
She spun in place, making a dramatic flourish with her hand.
"Without me,
His world will go on TURNING!
Revolving round some dumb princess,
Because she bakes him CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"
The last stores of Vivian's energy had, evidently, gone into that last note. She quickly grew feeble again:
"Mario...
Mario..."
And finally, she brought it home in a gentler, prettier voice:
"Mario...
I'm aaaaalways plaaaaayeeeer one."
With that, the music faded out, and Vivian took a bow to her audience of none. At least… she thought it was an audience of none. Until she heard the clapping from behind her.