Vivian turned to face her applauder the way a convict turns to face the firing squad. Whoever they were, they had done the unthinkable – They'd heard Vivian's sing. Her regular speaking voice was barely passable as it was, so naturally Vivian's singing voice was indistinguishable from a boy's.

Slowly, Vivian's gaze fell upon her observer. She was a pink reptilian creature, almost like a Yoshi, except her snout was more tube-like with a big, circular opening. The sparkle dress had been ditched – She now wore no clothing save for a red ribbon atop her head and copious amounts of eye-shadow. No. No, no no. Of all the people who could've heard Vivian, it had to be the most gorgeous woman in the nightclub?

"Not bad, hun," said Birdo. "A bit more practice and you could be a performer here."

Vivian pulled the rim of her hat even farther over her face. Was Birdo making fun of her…?

"I usually come up here after my performance to be alone. Guess we had the same idea, huh?" And now, as if Vivian wasn't flustered enough, Birdo was walking straight towards her. "Haven't seen you around before."

"I-It's my first time coming here," Vivian managed to stammer out.

Birdo's snout twisted in what Vivian could only hope was her species' way of smiling. "Sorry for singling you out like that during my number. The crowd always goes wild when I go after the pretty ones."

Any hope Vivian had of regaining her composure was rapidly deteriorating.

"I'm actually already dating someone, but he says he doesn't mind me getting flirty onstage. Anywho, wanna grab a drink?" Birdo pointed with her thumb towards the staircase back to the nightclub's interior.

"Oh." Vivian could feel herself slowly dying from the inside out. "I- I don't think I'm supposed to be getting free drinks..." She bowed her head. Surely everyone in the nightclub knew her secret by now, so there was no point even bothering to hide it. "Because I'm- I'm, y'know…" Vivian's voice was little more than a whisper: "...trans."

Genuine surprise crossed Birdo's scaly face. "Who told you that?"

"Oh, it was, err..." Vivian faltered. The lack a horrified reaction had unnerved her. "...B-Boorad. He works here, right? He seemed pretty… certain."

"I see. Follow me, girlfriend."

"Whuh-?" All of a sudden, Birdo took Vivian's hand and practically dragged her down the stairs. Before Vivian had time to protest, the two of them were back at the bar to receive their free cola.

"Hey!" Boorad and his cronies had, apparently, been camped out here, so they were ready to pounce the moment Vivian drew near. "I thought I told you those were for actual girls."

But before Vivian could mutter an impulsive apology, Birdo placed herself between them. "Really? Then what about me?" She batted her eyelashes. "Do I get a free drink?"

Boorad had already been deathly pale, but the sudden emergence of a gorgeous woman left him downright transparent. "O-Oh course you do, Birdo!"

"Oh?" Birdo cocked her head. "So then you are fine with trans women drinking free?"

"What are you talking about?" blurted out Boorad's Toad friend. "You can't possibly mean that you're-?"

"What, a tranny?" Birdo intentionally twisted her head back, revealing the unmistakable outline of an Adam's apple. "Guess you're not as good at spotting us as you thought you were, Hun T."

The Boo, Yoshi, and Toad all jolted backwards. Even Vivian couldn't help but gape.

"No way!" yelled the Yoshi. "You tricked us, too?"

"But- But you're so hot!" stammered Hun T.

"Mmm. 'Tricked.' Keep tellin' yourself that, hun." Birdo's snout closed to form a thin line, which Vivian was pretty sure was her species' way of smirking. "Gee, I guess now if you want to hit on random women, you'll have to take the risk that you might not like everything about them. Poor you."

"Bouncer! Hey, bouncer, there's some freaks over here trying to steal the free drinks!" At the sound of Boorad's frantic calls, the bouncer walked his way towards the commotion, shaking the ground with every step. Vivian swallowed in spite of herself.

The bouncer leaned down until he was face-to-face with everyone, tasted the air with his forked tongue, then asked in a gravely voice, "Are these guys botherin' you, Miss Birdetta?"

"W-What?" Boorad yelped. "I called you over-"

"Yeah, K. Ool, they're being jerks." Birdo nodded to the Kremling. "Be a dear and throw 'em out, would you?"

Without another word, K. Ool heaved the troublemakers over his shoulder the way a garbageman heaves trash bags.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Boorad squeaked. "You can't kick me out! I work here!"

"You're fired for bothering our top performer," K. Ool replied without skipping a beat. "And for bein' a jerk to people in general. We've been gettin' all kinds o' complaints 'bout you."

"You can't do that to me!" Boorad continued to scream as K. Ool carried him and his buddies out the door. "WE'RE GONNA TROLL YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS SO HARD, YOU FAT UGLY AUTISTIC GAY SOOOOOOOCIAL JUUUUUUUUUSTICE WAAAAAAAAAARIORS!"

And with that, K. Ool flung the trio outside and slammed the door shut behind them.

"Huh." Vivian stared in their direction for a while after the three had vanished from sight. They were so different from Goombich, and yet… so similar.

"Sorry about that, sweetie." Birdo placed a comforting hand on Vivian's shoulder. "Been meaning to throw those jerks out for a while now. They've been picking on basically everyone."

"T-Thank you!" A genuine smile snuck its way onto Vivian's face. "That was so cool! I never would've guessed- I mean, I've never met another trans woman before."

"Hey, c'mon, now, you know I've always got my sisters' backs." Birdo gave her a nudge and a wink. "Oh yeah, I never got your name."

"Vivian." As she spoke, Vivian received her free cola from the bartender. "And I heard people calling you Birdo..."

"I prefer 'Birdetta,' actually."

"Well, nice to meet you, Birdetta." Vivian took a sip of her uncensored cola… and had to fight the urge to spit it back out. Vivian tried to laugh, but somehow the action left her feeling more depressed.

"What's wrong, hun?" Birdetta had, apparently, caught Vivian gazing morosely into her beverage.

"How do you do it?" Vivian asked softly.

Birdetta blinked. "Do what?"

Vivian gestured to the spot where Boorad and his cronies had resided a minute ago. "Not let them bother you?"

"Oh. That." Another smile crossed the dinosaur's snout. "It comes with time, sweetie. I transitioned thirty years ago – I've been called every bad word under the sun. I'm used to it." Her face soured. "Besides, people like Boorad are usually just trolls. They think getting under your skin is funny, and I hate giving them the satisfaction."

Vivian nodded. Beldam had been horribly rude about it, but she hadn't been wrong – Vivian did need to get thicker skin. She couldn't keep leaving herself vulnerable to creeps like Boorad who weren't even worth the time of day. It wasn't like thicker skin was going to develop overnight, but Vivian would get there eventually.

Vivian tried to laugh again. This time left her feeling happier. A little bit, at least. "Well, I'm glad I ran into you, Birdetta. You've made my day a lot better. I mean that."

"Same to you, dear." Birdetta joined in the laughter. "Fate's a crazy thing, isn't it? If you'd come here a day earlier, I'd still be performing on Prism Island."

"Prism Island?" Vivian's heart did a Flutter Jump. "Did you run into Mario?"

"Oh, him? Yeah, he caught my last performance. Why?" Birdetta's eyebrows wiggled knowingly.

"Y-You heard my song," said Vivian, blushing. "I just want to make sure he's okay. The news said he's fighting Bowser right now."

Birdetta patted her shoulder. "Mario's a tough cookie. I'm sure he's fine."

Vivian knew she was right. Mario was a hardened hero on a quest to save Prism Island… and, come to think of it, Vivian had a quest of her own. "Oh, Birdetta, my friend and I are looking for mystical artifacts called the Crystal Keys. There's supposed to be one in this nightclub. You haven't seen anything like that, have you?"

Birdetta shook her head, causing her snout to jiggle. "Sorry, hun. But if I do, you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks." Well, it'd been worth a shot.

"By the way," said Birdetta, "who's that friend you mentioned? It looked like you were all alone when I found you."

"Oh, it's an archaeology student. She's a-"

"WORTHLESS GOOMBA!"

Suddenly, the nightclub was filled with the shrill shrieks of a decrepit old woman. Vivian and Birdetta spun their heads to find a pair of Koopas pushing their way past the bouncer, back into the club.

"Just our luck that you'd have some weird curse on you that keeps you from leaving," the wrinkled Magikoopa hag was grumbling. "Now if we want to keep you hostage, we're confined to this dingy old nightclub!"

Vivian couldn't believe her perpetually-hidden eyes. That hag was Kammy Koopa, Bowser's right-hand woman, and standing right next to her was a little snot who could only be the infamous Koopa prince, Bowser Jr. But the sight that alarmed Vivian worst of all was the magic bubble floating over Kammy's shoulder. A bubble that held a certain unconscious Goomba co-ed.

"Goombella!" Vivian's brain was on autopilot. She jumped out of her seat and placed herself before the Koopas, her hands crackling with readied magic. "Let her go!"

"Well, well, well, if it isn't another one of Mario's fangirls." Kammy let out a cackle, readying her wand for some magic of her own. "The only reason some butterfaced amateur witch like you got the best of Lord Bowser and me last time is because your party ganged up on us! But it looks like you're all alone this time. What a pity."

Vivian fought the urge to dig out her purse's compact mirror and check her face. Her fists tightened. Kammy was right. Their last fight had been a close one even when Vivian had a full party of eight (or seven if you didn't recruit Ms. Mowz in your playthrough).

"No she isn't!"

Vivian flinched at the sound of a voice behind her. She spun around to find a certain pink dinosaur at her side.

Birdetta shot Vivian a wink. "Like I said, I've always got my sisters' backs."

Birdetta joined your party!

"A-Are you sure?" Vivian frowned at her. "I know Mario makes it look like a pushover, but the Koopa clan is actually very dangerous..."

"Trust me, hun, I can hold my own in a fight."

And with that, the world around them transformed into a stage. Vivian and Birdetta stood at stage right while Kammy and Bowser Jr. took stage left, with the bubbled Goombella hovering behind them. The stage's scenery was painted to look like the nightclub's interior, and the audience was packed to the brim with cheering clubgoers.

"Phht, you think one of Wart's rejected minions can take us?" Kammy started the fight by hopping onto her trademark broomstick, and Bowser Jr did likewise with his Junior Clown Car (both of which appeared out of hammerspace, naturally).

"I won't let you hurt my friends!" Vivian popped out of Kammy's shadow to smack her with a Shade Fist, knocking the old hag onto her butt and causing her broomstick to fade away back into hammerspace. The attack had done five damage and left Kammy with a burn, but without Goombella's Tattle ability, Vivian had no way of knowing Kammy's total HP. It was unnerving, not knowing if their attacks were doing massive damage or merely adding another drop to the bucket.

"Let's gang up on the hag, hun!" Next Birdetta used her Egg Shoot move, firing a barrage out her snout to deal another five damage to Kammy. Vivian thought it best not to dwell on the biological implications of oral egg-laying. "If we can take her out fast, we'll only have a little kid to deal with."

"Hey, who you calling little?" Junior snapped.

"She's got a point, Your Littleness." Kammy raised her wand. "But it's nothing I can't fix..." Magic sparkles in the odd shape of Playstation buttons erupted from it and flew towards Bowser Jr. The Koopa prince roared as his paper body stretched and morphed, leaving him the size of his dad. The Clown Car had to magically grow to accommodate his hot new bod. Kammy took burn damage at the end of her turn, but it was a small consolation.

"Yeah! Now we're talking!" The new-and-improved Bowser Jr. let loose a barrage of fireballs. Not only were they big enough to hit both Vivian and Birdetta at once, but they were obnoxiously fast, making them nigh impossible to Superguard against.

"Aaaaagh-!" The girls were knocked across the stage to the horrified gasps of the crowd. They each took a whopping seven HP of damage apiece, and they were left with some nasty burns to boot.

Vivian frantically tried to stamp out the tongue of flame slowly eating away at her paper body, but to no avail. Dang it, she was supposed to be the pyromancer here!

"At this rate, we'll lose through attrition!" Vivian flipped through her party's Items menu, but there was nothing in there but some uncensored cola and a Dried Shroom. "There has to be a way to deal more damage to them." She thought back to the Goombich fight… and then it hit her. "Wait, that's it!"

This time, Vivian aimed her Shade Fist at a new target – the bubble. Vivian emerged from the bubble's shadow, elongating her tendril so that she was tall enough to give the bubble a good whack. It popped instantly, sending the Goomba within tumbling down to the stage.

"Goombella!" Vivian was at her friend's side in a heartbeat.

"Viv…? Ugh..." Goombella allowed herself to be cradled in Vivian's arms. "My head is killing me… which is basically, like, my entire body."

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay. I..." The memories seemed to flood back to her all at once. "I'm so sorry, Vivian! I should never have wigged out and ditched you like that!"

Vivian managed a reassuring smile. "It's okay, Goombella, I understand. But let's worry about that later. Do you still have the Crystal Key?"

"Yeah, it's right here." Goombella telekinetically retrieved it from the secret storage place within her undershirt. "Why?"

Vivian grabbed the key – It technically wasn't snatching if the other person had no hands. "If we want to beat these Koopas, we need to use its power."

("Hurry up over there!" called out Kammy from across the stage. "I know this is a turn-based RPG, but this is getting ridiculous!")

"That's a great idea," Goombella nodded, "but I've been researching the keys in my spare time, and from what I've read, the Diamond Key can only turn you into Megasparkle mode if you fuse your energy with a bunch of people who all have one major thing in common with you, like how Goombich's cronies were all Goombas."

"Oh." Well, that was no good. Vivian's party consisted of a Goomba, and shadow-person, and… Well, Vivian was too polite to ask, but she assumed Birdetta was some kind of mutant Yoshi thing. "But what do I have in common with anyone else…?"

Vivian was such a weirdo. Where exactly was she supposed to find another living shadow or fire witch or- or demon on such short notice? Her head drooped. This battle was hopeless. The victory against Goombich had been a fluke. Without Mario here, Vivian was nothing.

"HEY, ARE THERE ANY TRANS GIRLS OUT THERE WHO WANNA HELP US FIGHT?"

Vivian flinched at the sound of Birdetta's somewhat-husky voice washing over the audience. "Birdetta? What are you-?" But what surprised Vivian even more was the number of hands that went up.

"Sure, I love a good fight!" One of them was a human woman sporting long purple hair, a cap wrapped in a chain link, and an impressively-tight tank top and Daisy Dukes combo.

"Um, I got censored in the English version." Another beautiful human woman sheepishly raised her hand. She had brunette hair, sunglasses, and a tight black shirt, and she carried a paper bag containing both groceries and a couple Poké Balls. "Can I still participate?"

"Yeah, of course, don't worry, happens to all of us, hun." Birdetta nodded in approval. "I mean, I don't think Nintendo even knows what gender I'm supposed to be anymore."

There was an assortment of cries and cheers from the crowd.

"Yeah! Go trans people!"

"I'm really glad I'm in a society where I won't get stoned to death for this! That's pretty cool!"

"This is way more fun than filling test tubes in some dead-end lab back home! Have I mentioned yet that I AM TRANSGENDER?"

Birdetta turned back to Vivian excitedly. "Hear that, Vivian? With the power of trannies, we can win this fight!"

"Wow," said Vivian, "that might actually be cheesy enough to work."

Birdetta turned back to the evil Koopas, taking the Diamond Key from Vivian so she could hoist it above her head. "And now for my turn, I use the power of this Crystal Key thingamabob..." As she spoke, the key emitted a blinding light. "...to INITIATE MEGASPARKLE SUPER STICKER KAWAII SHINE GET CHIBI MOE QUEER MODE DESU!"

When the light died down, the small army of trans people had vanished, and in its place was a massive, sparkling pink dinosaur that dwarfed even the enlarged Bowser Jr. in size.

"I-I don't believe it!" Kammy stammered as she and Junior took a tentative step backwards. "In all my years, I never thought I'd see the legendary Megasparkle Birdo!"

"Aww man!" groaned Junior. "I really thought kidnapping attempt number five hundred eighty-eight was gonna work!"

Wham. One hit from the gigantic megasparkle egg that erupted from Birdetta's mouth was enough to launch both Koopas off the stage. They were blasted through the wall of The Mushy Mushroom and sent sailing into the night sky until they were nothing but a speck on the horizon.

In a nondescript forest a couple miles from the nightclub, there lay a perfectly round hole burrowed out of the dirt. And from this hole, there emerged a soft, chubby critter wearing blue fur and a blissful smile.

"Gosh, what a beautiful night! The moon is full, the fireflies are out… It's nights like these that make me happy to be a Whacka!"

Kaboom. Where the hole had been a moment ago, now there was a massive crater. And lying at the center of this crater was an incredibly dented Clown Car and two even more dented Koopas.

"Uggggggghhhh..." It took all of Kammy's strength to pull herself out of the wreckage. "Curse those wretched friends of Mario! I swear, someday the Koopa clan shall have its revenge upon- Hey, cool, a free Whacka Bump!"

With the battle over, the stage vanished, and Vivian, Goombella, and Birdetta were transported back to the nightclub's regular interior, with Birdetta back at her proper size. The audience had vanished, too, back to wherever they went between battles.

"Yeah! We did it!" Vivian and Birdetta traded a high-five while Goombella looked on in barely disguised jealousy.

Birdetta's snout had curved into what Vivian was now certain was a smile. "Like I told you, hun, we always have our sisters' backs. Whatever it is you're going through, you're not alone."

"I..." Vivian wiped her eyes. Don't worry, they were happy tears this time. "I've got your back, too."

"Man, my head's still pounding..." Another downside of being limbless was that Goombella couldn't rub her temples. "This whole night feels like a blur… Hey, Vivian?" Vivian glanced over at the sound of her name. "I didn't say anything…weird while I was under the influence of the cola, did I?"

There was a brief silence.

"Of course not," said Vivian.

"Phew! That's a load off my nonexistent shoulders!" Goombella smiled and turned back away. The instant the Goomba was out of sight, Vivian wiped sweat from her brow. She was taking this to her grave.

With that taken care of, Vivian returned her attention to the pink dinosaur in the room. "Thank you again for all your help, Birdetta. I don't know what we'd have done without you."

"Aw, it's no problem, sweetheart." Birdetta managed to sound both modest and totally self-absorbed at the same time. She kind of reminded Vivian of Madame Flurry, only with a considerably smaller stage presence. "Well, I'd better get back to work now, but let me know if there's anything else you need."

Vivian nodded. It looked like things had worked out more or less perfectly in the end. Everything, that is, except for one particularly important thing – They were still short one Crystal Key.

"I'm back, baby doll!" Just then, a stranger burst through the front door of The Mushy Mushroom.

"Sweet bean!" Birdetta practically tripped over herself in her rush to the front door. You could see the cartoon hearts throbbing in her eyes. "I missed you so much!" She immediately trapped the man in a bone-crushing hug.

"Huh? Who's this?" Goombella wandered over, followed by Vivian.

Birdetta turned back to them. "Guys, this is my boyfriend!"

"Pleased to meet you, see?" Said boyfriend was, apparently, a lanky Beanish wearing a striped shirt and pants about two sizes too big. "The name's Popple, hear? Popple the Shadow Th- err, Shadow Law-Abiding Citizen."

"Isn't he the dreamiest?" As she spoke, Birdetta felt up Popple's bean-like shoulders.

"Uh, sure, Birdetta." Goombella leaned in towards Vivian and muttered, "Well, there's no accounting for taste..."

"We broke up before, but now our relationship is stronger than ever," Birdetta continued. "Our love has been forged in flames!"

"That's right, Birdie, my sweet." Popple flashed a smile that was a little too wide for Vivian's liking. "And look, I even brought you a present, see?" He reached into his oversized pockets to retrieve it.

"Oh, Popple, it's beautiful!" The hearts in Birdetta's eyes has been replaced with stars. But she wasn't the only one gaping in awe at the present – Vivian's and Goombella's jaws has hit the floor.

"Birdetta," Goombella stammered out, "that's a Crystal Key!" It was the Emerald Key, to be exact, and it was every bit as sparkly and majestic as the Diamond One.

"Where did you get that?" asked Vivian.

"I..." Popple's beady yellow eyes met the ceiling. "...happened to find it lying around."

"Well, here you go." Birdetta retrieved the key from her boyfriend and handed it to Vivian. "If it's important to you, it's yours."

"Alright!" Vivian traded grins with Goombella, and then she accepted the second Crystal Key. As per tradition, she hoisted it triumphantly above her head.

You got a Crystal Key!

END OF-

"AGH!" And then Vivian, Goombella, and Birdetta were sucked into a magical portal of darkness out of nowhere.

-CHAPTER

Several minutes passed in silence as Popple looked around the nightclub, blinking. "Uhhh… Right. I'll just… I'll just hang out here by myself, then."