Sirius closes his eyes in the noon sun, soaking in the warm August air as he smiles slightly to himself. It has been a week since he was last outside. Sirius tries to ignore the chattering of his family behind him, Orion and Walburga discussing where to go first in Nocturn Alley, and Regulus muttering to himself that it isn't fair that he can't go to Hogwarts too.
"Sirius, open your eyes, you look like an idiot," Walburga snaps at him. Sirius sighs deeply and opens his eyes slowly, taking as long as he can to turn around, causing his mother to breathe out through her mouth in a huff. Her face has such a deep disappointment for Sirius' behavior that her expression could pass for disgust. She pulls out Sirius' supply list from Hogwarts and squints at it with annoyance while Orion looks at the storefronts on this street as if he owned them. His greying black hair is slicked back like a snake's head, his searching green eyes not any less snakelike. His hands are fitted in his sleek black cloak, even though it is summer, and he is completely ignoring Regulus' huffs and sighs. Regulus could be a smaller, slightly less handsome version of Sirius: his black hair is cut short like his brother's and his misty grey eyes have a calculating look about them, like he could be a genius if he weren't so bent on everyone doing everything for him.
"We shall need to go to the robes shop first," Walburga announces. "You go on with your brother, your father and I shall get your books." She presses a handful of money into Sirius' hand, making his heart skip with the excitement of being handed such a responsibility. Her grey eyes narrow on him, as if she can sense his thoughts.
"You are to go to Raven's Robes around the corner and spend this only on robes, then you will meet us in the apothecary, understand?" Sirius nods, looking down at her black robes until she turns and walks down the street, walking stiffly with her arm hooked with Orion's, both of them looking around at anyone who walks past as if daring them to question their status and reputation. Their black robes meld into the shadows of a street corner and they vanish.
Sirius lets out a long breath that he feels like he has been holding for weeks. Finally, I'm by myself! But then he remembers Regulus and he turns around to see him staring at Sirius with a gloomy expression.
"Well, let's get this over with," Regulus grumbles, obvious that he is trying to imitate their parents' sophisticated disinterest. He holds his chin high and crosses his arms over black robes that match their parents', even though Sirius can see the sweat on his brother's forehead from the heat. Regulus is trying harder and harder these days to look and act like Orion and Walburga, bragging to Sirius how much he supports the purebloods' cause. As if that will magically make him the family heir instead of me. But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if that happened.
Sirius brushes past Regulus, emphasizing their height difference as he always does when Regulus gets stuck up like his. His little brother rushes to catch up, Sirius deciding to ignore the hurried footsteps and heavy breathing behind him as Regulus tries to keep up with Sirius' long strides.
"Where are you going?" Regulus asks. "Raven's Robes is this way." He attempts to pull on Sirius' white shirt, pointing in the right direction.
"I know," Sirius replies calmly, when his heart is actually racing. "We're going to Madam Malkin's in Diagon Alley." Regulus gasps.
"But mother—" Sirius sighs but it turns into a laugh. "Mother isn't here to tell me what to do," he says, his pace becoming faster at the thought. "We could buy ice cream at Florean's or something."
"Mother said—" Sirius stops and turns around, causing Regulus to crash into his chest. "Since when have you cared so much about what mother says?" Sirius demands with sad realization.
"We are apart of the Black family," Regulus states slowly, as if he were reciting it. "If we don't stick with our family, no matter what, then we have nothing. Is that what you want?" Sirius takes a deep breath.
"Maybe I want a different family, you ever consider that?" Sirius mutters softly. Did I just say that out loud? Regulus has a flash in his eyes, an understanding that reflects what Sirius has been feeling. But then it is gone and he's crossing his arms again.
"Whatever," Regulus mumbles to the ground.
Sirius has a sudden flashback to when Regulus had been seven and they both of them had been playing in the park across from their house. They had come across a black cat playing with a mouse but not really eating it, just biting it occasionally and toying with it. Regulus had chased away the cat, but he had cried for the rest of the day. "Why would the cat do that?" he had asked Sirius. "The mouse was defenseless."
Sirius looks at his brother and wonders, if something like that happens again, if Regulus would cry, if that softhearted boy is still in there. But all he sees is a cold stare.
Sirius shakes slightly from the odd moment and continues on his way to Diagon Alley. They walk underneath an archway and they are suddenly on the main street. It is like a different world; wide, well-lit streets and towering, crooked buildings painted in bright colours. Parents walk with children and friends laugh, calling out to shop owners and each other as they walk by. Sirius smiles around him at no one in particular, his eyes feasting on colours that aren't black and grey, on expressions of joy.
"Come one, let's go," Sirius says to his brother in a voice happier than it has been in days. As they walk down the street to the left, a few people recognize them and look at them with fading smiles and step out of their way. Sirius feels himself shrink inward, wishing he could strip everything off of himself that makes him a Black. It's probably Regulus that's attracting all this attention. He looks at his brother out of the corner of his eye, watching his prideful walk with growing annoyance.
They finally reach Madam Malkin's Robes, which Sirius only knew where to find because he asked for directions from someone who didn't recognize him and was happy to help. The store is busy, several families strolling through the racks of multi coloured robes. To the left by the windows, there are small platforms that a few children are standing on, getting measured by some witches for their uniforms. Sirius hops up onto an empty one and waits for someone to come, while Regulus turns and disappears into the racks with out so much as looking at Sirius. A young woman steps up with a measuring tape and Sirius smiles at her, but she stops in her tracks and stares at him.
"You're a Black," she states in shock, taking in his appearance. Sirius' heart sinks in dismay and his smile fades. He looks down at the floor and pats his sides awkwardly.
"Yes, I am," he replies, even though it wasn't a question. "I see I'm not wanted." He is stepping down from the platform when the woman gasps.
"No, no," she stutters. "I didn't mean it in that way." Sirius turns in surprise. "You see, we've just never had a Black in here before," she smiles apologetically, holding up the measuring tape in offering. Sirius smiles back at her.
"Yeah, I thought I'd change things up a bit," he laughs, getting back on the platform. The young woman does the measurements in silence, Sirius feeling odd to be under inspection by someone in a way that isn't to judge him.
After hours of shopping, the Blacks sit at the dinner table in their grand dining hall. Orion sits at the head and Walburga at the foot, even though there are no guests. Sirius and Regulus sit across from each other in the center of the long table, a distance of four chairs separating them from their parents. They eat without conversation, only the gentle clatter of cutlery on dishes breaking the silence. Sirius slouches over his plate, picking at his food with his fork.
The day in Diagon Alley had been going great. After the two brothers had left Madam Malkin's, they had gone to get ice cream and Regulus had even smiled. But as soon as they entered the apothecary, Regulus had ran to their parents and blurted out that Sirius had gone against their wishes and gone to Madam Malkin's. He had whined that Sirius had dragged him there, he had no choice but to go with him to make sure he didn't break any more rules. Sirius had watched from a few feet away as his parents became angrier and angrier as Regulus continued his story. Sirius had wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground to escape their piercing gazes. Sirius had thought for a moment that Regulus wouldn't tell on him because they had ended up having fun, but of course he shouldn't have thought he could change.
Orion and Walburga had pulled him into an alley out of the way so that they could tell him off for disobeying them in privacy. They had continued the rest of the shopping with him, not letting him out of their sight for a minute. When they got home, Orion had ordered Kreacher to take all of Sirius' new things up to his room, not allowing Sirius to look at his new wand, which Orion knew his son was itching to try out. They had all sat down in the dining hall and waited until dinner was ready.
Regulues kicks Sirius under the table, gesturing with his shoulders to sit up straight. Sirius only glares at him and resists the urge to kick him in return, knowing he would only whine to their mother. Sirius pokes at his food, some fancy meat dish with a long name he couldn't pronounce if he even wanted to. Walburga clears her throat.
"Sirius, don't play with your food," she orders. "Sit up straight, you are eating with your family."
"But you're not my family," Sirius mutters to himself, so quite even Regulus can't hear. His mother sighs as if this is a conversation they go through every dinner, even though she normally doesn't care enough to address him with these matters.
"Speak up," Walburga demands.
"I said that I apologize, dearest mother," Sirius announces with his best noble voice, dripping in sarcasm. His mother narrows her eyes at him, obvious to Sirius that she knows that wasn't what he said. Sirius turns back to his food and takes a bite, looking at his mother as he eats it with exaggerated movements. Better? Regulus rolls his eyes with an even greater exaggeration, acting as usual like he is the older brother that knows better. Sirius has to close his own eyes for a second to calm himself.
Sirius eats his food as fast as he can, even though he has no appetite, to get dinner over with. He sets down his fork when the others are only two thirds of the way through their own dishes.
"May I please be excused?" Sirius asks, even though he already knows that they will probably say no. Orion sets down his fork with a clink, drawing Sirius' attention and gaze to him.
"Sirius," Orion begins with a stern tone, "Your mother and I have very disappointed with your behavior lately. We feel a punishment is necessary." Sirius' heart sinks. I suppose with my restlessness for Hogwarts I haven't been as careful as I usually am. What are they going to do?
"Walburga and I have come to the decision that unless you behave," Orion stares him down to emphasize importance, "you shall not begin your time at Hogwarts until later in the year. We feel you are not prepared for life in public, so you shall stay at home and—" Orion is silenced when Sirius drops the fork he had been gripping onto with a clang to his plate. Sirius' mouth drops open in shock.
"You can't—but—this is my education, I thought that was important to you," Sirius tries to think of an angle they will agree with, tries desperately not to scream at them. My only chance for freedom is slipping away.
"Of course it is," Walburga joins the conversation, "but if you are not fit for society then no amount of education will improve your image." Sirius nearly chokes from having to keep down his words to describe just how stupid that is.
"But if you're willing to make a difference in your behavior," Orion adds, "you can attend Hogwarts as we originally planned." Sirius nods hurriedly in agreement, while Regulus looks back and forth with an absorbed expression.
"I truly apologize for how I have been acting," Sirius says as sincerely as he can, almost feeling honest about it. I'll do anything to go to Hogwarts. "I will prove to you I can behave…appropriately. Please forgive me." His parents nod in satisfaction.
"We accept your apology," Orion replies, returning to his food. "You may now be excused." Sirius stands up as slowly as he can manage, his legs itching to run out of the room. He manages to make it to the second flight of stairs before he begins to run, and the third staircase until he begins to cry.
Sirius slams his door and slides down to the floor against it. He covers his face with his hands and screams silently into them, closing his eyes as tight as he can. Sirius lets out all that air until his lungs are empty and he has to gasp for breath. His gasps for air and to calm himself are shaky and guttered as tears pool under his eyes, his vision blurred into nothingness.
"I can't take this much longer," Sirius whispers as he closes his eyes and leans back against his door, allowing the buildup of tears to overflow down his face. Sirius thought he had been putting on a poker face, not letting on to family to their faces how he felt about them. Sirius thought he had been like Andromeda, keeping his head down and not speaking his mind.
I never thought I could dislike my family this much though. Every minute I spend with them is another minute I have to pretend to be someone else. I can't believe what they said at dinner about dinner. They would sacrifice my chance at a job or a life so that I could appear to be more like them? Sirius pulls his knees up and hugs them, resting his chin on them with his eyes still closed. Why can't they accept that I just don't want to be like them? Why is it such a big deal that I choose not to follow their rules sometimes? Isn't that independent thinking or whatever it is teenagers are supposed to develop? But Sirius realizes that original thinking, smart Blacks is not what they want. My parents want all of the Blacks to be just like them, with brains they can understand—and control.
Sirius wipes his eyes and blinks to clear them. "Just one more month until Hogwarts," he whispers to himself like it is a lifeline, a life saving spell. With the thought of spells, he remembers his new wand with a leap of excitement in his heart.
Sirius gets up from the floor and heads for his desk where his things have been stacked neatly in the boxes they had been packaged in. He passes the slowly dying fire in his fireplace on the opposite wall from his bed. Sirius rummages through the parcels until he finds the long, slender box carefully wrapped in elegant green paper with gold leafs. He tears through the paper, letting it drop to the floor and holds the box in his hands, his tears forgotten. Sirius carefully lifts the lid and slides it onto the bottom of the box before gently pulling back the two ribbons that serve as a protective cushion.
The firelight glints on the dark purple wood of the Blackthorn wand. It has a unicorn hair core, which is surprising since both of his parents have dragon heartstring as their cores. Ollivander the wand maker had looked at Sirius curiously when this wand had chosen him. He had said that Blackthorn is tricky and paired with unicorn hair, Sirius' wand could either do amazing things or be unruly and hard to control because of something that Ollivander had shaken his head at in wonder.
Sirius forgets all that now and takes it out of its box, knowing that it will not go back in there. He turns to the fireplace where the fire is almost out now, more made of spitting embers than flames. He stretches his wand arm out, his right arm, marveling at how well the gleaming wand fits in his hand, the sleek wood comfortable on his skin. Sirius focuses on the fire before him, imaging the flickering flames growing in size and glowing brighter. He recalls the spell his parents use to light candles sometimes. Incendio. Sirius takes a deep breath, his fingers tingling with excitement and magic waiting to come out.
"Incendio," Sirius whispers. Sparks fly from the tip of his wand and the fire flares a few inches higher, sending out a wave of heat and light. The fire settles into a steady burn, the light dancing on his wand like it was the magic itself celebrating its first spell. Sirius beams, the warm feeling of joy now spreading through his body like the fire that he watches with new hope, strength for his last month at home burning bright.