Remus reads the last page of A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot and closes the book, placing it on his lap. He leans his head back onto the headboard of his bed, fingering the frayed fabric cover of the book. He has been reading his school books non-stop since he got them a week or so ago in July and has already finished reading Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling and The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble, which was particularly interesting to Remus. With nothing better to do to pass the time until September first, Remus spends his days reading and getting numerous 'pep talks' from his mother on how to act around other children; or how to not be around other children, more like it, since Hope doesn't trust him to make friends, so she more talks about how to keep his secret from others. As the day of his departure draws nearer, he should be getting excited, but Remus is only getting more and more terrified.
Magic seems so complicated. Remus drops the book onto the mattress next to him and slides down to lay on his back, staring into space. I don't know how I'm going to make it at Hogwarts, the only thing I've learnt about magic is from books and stories from father. Mother has taken all of my old books on magic that father has passed on to me and she would take my schoolbooks too if she could. I bet the other children have had years of practice, I'll have to finish my books to get a bit of a head start at keeping up with the other children, then maybe I can get by with passing marks.
Remus takes a deep breath. I shouldn't be thinking about marks before I've even arrived at Hogwarts. I should be happy I'm at least allowed to go to Hogwarts. Remus had originally thought that the only problem he would have of being able to go to Hogwarts would be if his mother agreed to it. He had never actually thought that because he was a werewolf he might not have been allowed to attend school in the first place.
It had only occurred to him when Dumbledore had come to talk to them weeks ago about the special arrangements and precautions they would be taking, that any other headmaster would not have allowed Remus to attend school out of prejudice towards werewolves. He had found his book on werewolves he had hidden under his bed where Hope couldn't find it and searched for the laws that applied to his kind and found just what he had been looking for: it was not against the law for a headmaster of a school to deny education to a wizard werewolf. It had never occurred to him that Dumbledore might have simply refused to send Remus an acceptance letter due to his condition.
I'm glad I am able to go, but thinking about it now, does not allowing me in Hogwarts make sense? I could hurt someone if I escape the Shrieking Shack on the full moon, or someone in the Ministry could find out and resign Dumbledore from his post! Maybe it would be better for everyone if I didn't go. But, closing his eyes, Remus thinks about the book he has just finished, Bathilda telling of the centuries of magic as it evolved into the creation of wonderful things that have brought people together and made history to be proud of.
Forgetting about magic on a school level, Remus thinks about what it would be like to be involved in such an amazing community as this. He thinks about what it would be like to escape the mundane world of muggles and into the magical world of dragons and legendary duelers. Remus quivers with the thought of being a part of something as substantial and unique as this. If I don't go to Hogwarts, I will only live the half of my life that belongs in the muggle world. I am a wizard, I cannot escape that and I will not. Remus opens his eyes and smiles, letting his fear melt away and allowing himself to feel a hint of excitement.
Remus sits up with the intention of going to his trunk, but groans when little bursts of pain run down his spine, reminding him of what day it is. Today is a Friday, the 6th of August: the night of the full moon. Remus has constantly been checking his calendar, even though he knows the dates of his transformations for the rest of the year; he can't help looking just in case it will somehow change the date. The 6th is the last full moon before Hogwarts and the next is on the 5th of September, the first Sunday of the school year. Great, something to look forward to.
Remus forgets the excitement he had been feeling only moments ago and sits on the edge of his bed, dreading that he will have to deal with a transformation so soon into his time at Hogwarts. What if I get discovered on my first full moon? I'll have to leave almost as soon as I've arrived. I guess it will be safer for me if I don't get too attached to Hogwarts or make any friends.
The word 'friends' feels strange in his thoughts, a concept he has only seen in books. His parents don't hang out with other adults, they left their friends behind when they moved last time and haven't bothered to make any new ones. Remus tries to picture what it would be like to have another person not in his family that he can laugh with, share secrets with and make memories with. When he thinks of friends, he thinks of people like Sam and Frodo from Lord of the Rings, stories of epic friendships where each of them would do anything for the other. That kind of friendship can't be possible though, no one could be that close to another person. Can they? What if it is possible? Well either way I won't find out. Besides, I don't even know how to make friends, I haven't hung out with anyone my age in ages. Mother has said it's dangerous to get close to others because they might discover my secret, so I should forget about. For what feels like the hundredth time, Remus settles reluctantly with this fact and tries to put it out of his mind.
Remus gets up from his bed despite the protests of his body and takes A History of Magic to his school trunk stationed at the foot of his bed. He crouches before it and lifts the battered lid of the trunk, which looks like it has had at least two previous owners. Remus gently places the second hand book on top of the neat stack of books in the left corner, which has progressively been growing as he adds his favourite novels. Lyall teases him that soon there won't be any room left for clothes, but Remus has packed and repacked his trunk many times to make sure it all fits.
Lyall reads almost as often as Remus, but he doesn't understand the true importance books have to Remus. Books are the one escape he has when he spends his days indoors, allowing him to disappear into pages that send him to other, better worlds. Reading means Remus can be someone else, slip into the skin of a hero or fearless adventurer, characters that Remus wishes he were as brave and admirable as. Since it seems as a werewolf he will not be able to go on these kinds of adventures, or even do normal things other wizards can do, he has to live through books, which isn't so bad because there are no limits to how many different lives he can live.
Characters from novels are Remus' friends, but the books themselves are too. They have given him a gift of freedom, portals to places he wishes he could spend the rest of his life in. Books don't care who their readers are, they love sharing their stories with whoever opens them. Books don't care if I'm a werewolf. Remus sighs, knowing he sounds silly, and wonders if anyone else feels the same way about books or if he's the only one.
Remus surveys the rest of the things they have bought from Diagon Alley. All of his robes were bought at a second hand shop hidden off the main street and they all looked worse once they were taken out in daylight. His school robes were too long and were loose around his chest, probably meant for someone at least two years older than him. It was obvious a student had already owned them, there were loose stiches where the house colours and badge had been removed. In the store there had been robes made for first years, but his parents had bought these so that they would last him for a few more years.
Remus had been very conscious of their lack of money while shopping, noticing how they only visited second hand stores and bought the cheapest of the cheapest. When they had been bargaining with the shop owner of Flourish and Blotts for lower prices on previously owned school books, Remus had been gazing open mouthed at the stacks of new, beautifully bound books with gleaming titles stamped into their smooth leather covers. He hadn't even voiced his obvious love of the books when Lyall had dropped into Remus' arms the stack of creased, frayed, and torn books they had just bought and ushered him out of the store. Lyall had spoken to Remus about how they were trying their best to buy him all of his school supplies and that he shouldn't be complaining about how old or worn they were. Remus had kept his mouth shut on the subject for the rest of the shopping trip, feeling terrible that he had made his parents think he was ungrateful.
Remus closes his school trunk, feeling guilty that he is the reason they are so poor. They shouldn't have spent all that money on me, testing those cures they knew wouldn't work. Now they're spending all this money on school supplies and they'll only have to buy more every year. Maybe I could get a job of some kind next summer to help. Mother and father always tell me not to worry about money, but I'm not blind to how little we have, I can't just sit back, or even worse, have them spend more money on me.
Just then another shock of pain shoots through Remus' limbs, making him wince. He checks the clock on his wall in sudden panic, but relaxes when he sees it is only 5:42; the sun will not set until about 7:30. Dinner will probably be ready any minute now. The Lupins don't usually eat so early in the evening, their most common eating time is 7:00, but they always eat early on nights of the full moon to allow time to get ready. As if on queue, Hope's voice carries itself up the stairs into Remus' room, telling him that dinner is ready.
"Coming, mother," Remus calls back. He pulls himself to his feet and turns the light switch off before heading down the dark hallway. He reluctantly goes down the stairs, wishing he could hide in his bedroom until the full moon is over.
Remus pokes at his meat with his fork, too distracted to even care what kind of meat it is. He stares down at his food, his head propped up with his left fist. His light brown hair that his mother keeps forgetting to cut covers his eyes, obscuring his view of his parents. Remus can hear the clink and clatter of their cutlery on their plates, the only sounds breaking the silence at the table. But that doesn't last long when Lyall clears his throat moments later.
"Are going to eat anything, Remus?" he inquires gently. "You really should have a little something to keep your strength up." Remus shrugs.
"Sorry, but I'm not hungry," he mutters. The truth is, his stomach is so fluttery he doubts he can keep anything down. He feels terrible letting food go to waste, but his mother always insists on giving him food on the evening of full moon even though she knows he won't finish it. Or even start it.
"Well," Hope says, the queue that she is about to say it's time to get ready. "It's just about six-thirty, dear, if you could put you dishes away." On the full moon, everything runs on a tight schedule, habits they have formed from years of practice. Dinner is made two hours before sunset and eating must finish one hour later, then half-an-hour is taken to clean up the meal and get prepared, then the last part of the hour Remus spends waiting in the basement. The Lupins made this schedule to keep things running smoothly to make sure they were ready in time, but it somehow makes it worse for Remus, having a clock ticking down to the exact time he will have to face his transformation.
Remus eases himself up from his chair, trying to keep from gasping out in pain from the aches running through his body. His plate quivers slightly in his grasp as he carries it to the compost bin under the sink. He opens the cupboard door and crouches to scrape the meat off with his fork, feeling guilty watching it fall into the bin with a thump. Hope takes his plate, fork, and knife from him with a small smile and puts them in the sink to wash them for him.
"Why don't you go sit down for a moment?" Lyall suggests as he puts his own dishes in the sink. Remus nods gratefully and walks into the sitting room across the hall, passing the front door on his way, feeling as old as Dumbledore as he enters the same door he did. I bet even Dumbledore walks more gracefully than I am now. Remus lowers himself onto the couch, stretching his legs out on the cushions and allowing himself to close his eyes. He covers his face with slightly shaking hands. I wish I could just go to sleep and the next time I wake up, the full moon will be over. I wonder what it must be like for other people to sleep on the night of the full moon. I suppose it would be just like any other night for them. I wonder if mum and dad sleep through the full moons, or if they stay up. Remus has never had this thought before and has the urge to ask his parents, but he decides against it. His mind drifts as he rests and before he knows it, more time has passed then he realizes.
"Remus," Lyall says as he comes into the sitting room, causing Remus to open his eyes and look up at him in dread. "It's time to go down now." He tries to smile encouragingly at his son, but it comes out looking very strained. Remus gets up from the couch, his heart pounding like he has just run a race. He takes deep breaths as his parents lead him to the basement stairs underneath the staircase that goes to the second floor. Hope whispers to him about how brave he is as Remus tries to fight the urge to either turn around and run away or throw up. As they walk down the stairs and past the landing, Remus feels like he is walking down to his doom, like the doorway to hell is at the bottom of the stairs.
Lyall opens the door when they reach it and turns on the light switch, which does nothing to make the room look more welcoming. The cement walls and floor are rough but well cleaned, making the square room look extremely bare. The one window at the far end of the room is small, barely large enough to let in the dying rays of the setting sun. Hope and Lyall smother him in hugs and kisses before taking his clothes from him and putting the chain on his right ankle that attaches him to the wall on the left. Lyall mutters charms as he waves his wand over the chain and the door as he and Hope begin to exit. Remus looks at them with panic as they turn off the light and close the door behind them. He takes a deep breath and sits down on the floor, leaning against the wall as he hugs his legs to his chest. Remus blinks away tears and looks up at the window on the wall, watching the sunlight creep back from the house, leaving the room darker by every minute. The sun sinks away from sight and it's the last thing Remus sees before he feels a sharp pain ripping through his entire body as it shifts into its other form. Remus screams only once, the ongoing sound echoing off the walls. Then his mind is gone.
Remus groans. He hears someone shushing him and feels them gently lift him off the ground into their arms. He whimpers quietly with his eyes still closed and turns his face into their chest, his skin warm from pain. He feels movement and hears the sound of whispering. Then he is lowered onto something soft, like a bed, and he slips back into unconsciousness.
Light shines through Remus' eyelids, causing him to squint in annoyance and turn his head away. But he is awake now and can't go back to sleep so he slowly opens his eyes, blinking when they drift shut again. A white ceiling comes into focus and Remus turns his head to his window on his right, where a beam of sunlight has snuck its way through the drapes. The light is bright and coming from a high angle, so it must be noontime. He looks to the clock on his wall to his left and confirms that it is indeed just past the time when his family usually eats lunch. How long have I been out? Is this the day after the full moon, or the next day? Remus is sure it is the next day, since he rarely ever wakes up the day right after due to exhaustion.
Remus' stomach growls loudly, startling him. I must get something to eat. But to do that he has to get out of bed and to do that he has to see the damage he has done over night. He takes a deep breath, shifts up his pillow into a slouching position and lifts his covers. Remus lets out his breath slowly when he sees a bandage around his right ankle; he has sprained it in an attempt to escape the chain, not an unusual occurrence, but it looks like his father has succeeding in healing it. Remus pulls up his shirt and finds four, long marks on his waist, but they are pale pink, as if they were shallow. He suddenly remembers giving himself those marks.
The memories of the night flow into Remus' mind. He remembers feeling very frustrated, he could smell three humans: a man, a women, and a young boy. The smells of the man and women had led to the door of the room that he had not been able to reach with the annoying chain around his ankle, that had been just a smidgen too tight for him to slip out of. But the smell of the boy had told him that it was still in the room. The wolf had gotten so frustrated when he had found the smell was coming from himself and he had bitten himself at this realization.
Remus pulls up his left sleeve to find that indeed there is a bandage around his forearm. He feels sick with the thought that he has done this to himself, has done this many times, every month for the last seven years. And for every month for the rest of my life. Remus swallows and pulls his sleeve back down, looking around his room for something to distract himself from his depressing thoughts.
Remus then remembers that he was hungry and even though he doesn't feel very hungry anymore, he decides he should eat something anyways. He swings his legs over the left side of his bed and slowly gets to his feet, careful to put all his weight on his left foot. Holding onto his bedside table until he can reach the wall to support himself, Remus inches himself out of his room and down the hall to the stairs. His limbs are heavy with exhaustion and he feels slightly lightheaded, but he makes it down the stairs and into the sitting room where his parents are sitting.
They both leap up from their seats when they see him and they rush towards him to sweep him into a hug. Remus laughs as Hope kisses him on the nose and Lyall scoops him into his arms, swinging him around before marching him into the kitchen in search of food. Remus smiles at them, forgetting about the horrible moment the other night when they had left him alone in the basement, and just feels the love passing between the three of them, a family.
No matter what, Remus knows his parents love him.