Promises Woven in Red and Gold

Anyone see a drama bomb? I think I accidentally dropped it somewhere around here.

So I've found pacing issues to be a bigger problem than expected when trying to stick to a predetermined set of chapters because there are X number of events and you need to figure out which one belongs in which chapter. While still sticking to the prompt theme of course.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this!

Part 5: Let Go

Prompt: Wistful

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Mommy!" Faye's frantic call for her mother was stifled by the choking, acrid smoke that smothered the house. She couldn't see much beyond her outstretched hands, and so she continued to stumble blindly, trying to find her mother, her father, grandma, an exit, something.

Instead she found herself running into a corner of the room, and she sank to the ground, coughing and feeling the pounding in her chest intensify. She could see more now, but the light was an angry, ferocious red thrown out by the roaring flames that were starting to devour the far wall of the room. Wild terror froze her limbs, and instead of panicked flight all she could manage was to crumple onto the floor, eyes wide and staring.

As she lay there, Faye started to feel dizzy. She knew vaguely that breathing the smoke in couldn't be good for her, but it wasn't not like she could do anything about that. One hand went to her chest, as breathing became more and more difficult. And she found it pressing down against something hard and round.

Her pendant. The pendant Anthiese had given to her.

Clutching on to it made her feel calmer, somehow, and she leaned further back against the wall as her vision dimmed and everything seemed to... slip away.

"'m sorry... An..." she murmured. "Don't think... can... my... promise..."

A crashing sound, seeming to come from far away. As Faye's eyes closed, she had the vague impression of a dark shape looming over her and strong arms bearing her up.

"She's moving!"

The voice seemed to come from far away, but it pierced the murky cloud of sleep, and Faye stirred and shifted. As she struggled for consciousness, she realized that voice seemed familiar.

"Daddy?" she said – or tried to. She became aware of some strange covering around her mouth and weakly tried to reach up to pull it off.

"You're safe! Oh, thank the Mother!" and suddenly she realized that someone had thrown her arms around her, hugging her close.

"Mommy..." Faye breathed out, her voice muffled by the mask. But her mother seemed to have understood anyway, because her embrace tightened.

"It's okay, honey. You're safe now. Everything's going to be fine."

...Everything? Faye blinked, tried to clear the fog of her memory. There had been... the fire... The fire!

She looked around. She was on the road outside their house, lying on a cot. Through a gap in the press of people around her, she could see the blackened shape of what had once been the house.

The house. Everything was gone. And then she looked around, more carefully.

Daddy was there, one hand covering his mouth and looking like he was about to cry. Mommy was there, still hugging her tightly. Then...

She reached up, wrestled with the mask covering her face, and managed to pull it off.

"Faye, honey, no, you have to keep it on. You took in some smoke, so-"

"Where's grandma?"

Her parents fell silent. And Faye felt a twisting and churning in her gut.

"Where's grandma?!" she repeated, her voice rising almost to a shriek.

Nobody answered. And that was answer enough for Faye.

"Grandma!" she scrambled off the cot, trying to run back to the house and to find her grandmother, but her knees gave way as she landed, and she was stumbling onto the floor, her palms scraping against the asphalt.

And her mother was there, holding on to her, preventing her from running but also holding her close, pressing her close to her body.

"GRANDMA!" Faye demanded, arms struggling to reach out in the direction of the smouldering remains.

"I'm sorry, Faye," her mother whispered, and Faye realized she could feel tears dripping onto her shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

And gradually, Faye's own struggles ceased as well, to be replaced by a wail of grief that pierced the evening air.

Numb.

If she were to sum up how she felt, that would be the word Faye would use. She had been numb the past few days.

And that was good. Better than the alternative. Better than being hurt, better than letting others be hurt.

She went through the motions of living, showing up at work, showing up to meet her friends, showing up when she was expected. Just showing up.

No one at work seemed to realize anything had changed, and anyway the kids demanded enough of her attention that she could briefly stop thinking about it. Only Silque had stared at her with pursed lips and a furrowed brow, but she hadn't brought up the matter directly, for which Faye was grateful. She didn't want to call her a busybody, but Silque always wanted to help, to make things better. But this time at least, discretion prevailed.

Her friends, of course, could tell something was wrong. They always could; their eyes saw past her forced smiles and laughter like they weren't even there. They all knew the façade of normalcy she'd thrown up wasn't for their benefit – it was for her own.

After their dinner together and when everyone prepared to depart his house for the night, Alm had tapped on her on the shoulder and asked if anything was wrong. She almost told him then and there, but all of sudden she remembered Alm sitting across the kitchen table from her, in a situation so like and yet unlike this one. He hadn't had that warm, open smile on his face then, she could remember. His face had been a stern, impassive mask, his brow furrowed and his mouth drawn together in a thin line of anger.

She made an excuse she didn't even remember – a feeble one, probably, and had hurried home. It was stupid. Of course it was. She knew better than anyone that they only wanted to help. But yet at the point when she needed them most, all she wanted to do was shut them out and curl into herself.

Because I'm weak. And if she were stronger, she wouldn't have ended up in a mess like this in the first place.

Another day passed by as she lived life in a blur.

As she stepped onto the third floor of the apartment building, her gaze drifted to the door at the far end of the corridor. Room 304. Celica's home.

She swallowed and tried to ignore the twisting feeling in her belly.

Celica. She had hurt Celica most of all – because she hadn't wanted to hurt her.

She'd let her get too close. She hadn't realized what she had been doing. And then... that night.

Faye licked lips that suddenly felt too dry.

She could still remember Celica's confession to her. And for a moment – just a brief instant – Faye had been overjoyed. Celica had looked so – beautiful, so radiant in the cold winter light. And she had wanted Faye? She wanted to be with her?

But it hadn't lasted. Almost immediately the fear of hurting her had surged back – cold and primal. And she realized that she had gotten too close.

She had fallen in love with Celica too, without even realizing it.

"I... can't love you." What a bad joke. By the time she had said those words, by the time she had realized the need to even put up such walls, it had already been far too late.

All the time spent with Celica... going out together with just the two of them, gatherings with all their friends for some party or other, the two of them simply being together in comfortable silence as they both worked on their respective hobbies...

She could still see it in her mind's eye; Celica smiling at her, that slight crinkle at the side of her eyes whenever she did that, her delicate lips turned upwards and parting ever so slightly. Celica humming a tune softly to herself as she painted. Celica laughing, a musical sound to her ears.

Celica had made herself a part of her life, and Faye had welcomed it with open arms.

And now?

Pushing her away would only hurt her now.

But inviting her in, letting her stay, loving her back... Faye swallowed. It would only hurt her even more in the long run.

What was she supposed to do now? She didn't know. And so she lived her life on autopilot, not feeling, not thinking, not letting herself feel or think, all the while knowing that this was only a stopgap and the longer she put it off the worse it would be when the dam burst.

As she drew near her apartment, she suddenly came to a stop.

Tied to the door handle was a golden ribbon, worn with age but still well maintained. Dangling from one end was a small, sealed envelope.

Faye pressed one hand to her mouth and stood still for a long moment.

And then, with shaking hands, she hastily untied the ribbon and opened the envelope.

Dearest Faye,

Yesterday, Alm came to find me because he was worried about you.

Faye took a deep breath. Of course her friends would do that. They all knew that leaving her to stew in her own misery would do her no favours. But then – she bit her lip. What had Celica told Alm? And what had Alm told her?

I talked with him, and I shared what I knew with him. About what had happened that night. I am sorry if you didn't want anyone to know what had happened. But I was worried about you. I still am. But I didn't know how to broach the subject with you, and I thought he might be able to help.

He gave me some information about his past relationship with you.

She let out her breath in a rush. So that was it then. Celica knew. What was 'a little' by Alm's reckoning? Her fingers tightened their grip on the sheet of paper as she continued to read.

I only know that your relationship with Alm had a troubled end. He told me that was all he felt comfortable telling me. The details of the matter would otherwise be yours to share or keep to yourself if you'd prefer.

She broke off, leaning her head against her door and squeezed her eyes shut for a long moment. She wasn't even sure if she should feel angry. At Alm? At Celica? And for what?

She knew, on a distant, intellectual level, that they only wanted to help her. And it wasn't exactly like her breakup with Alm had been anything remotely private. Everyone who knew them knew about what had happened.

But that was just it, wasn't it? Celica hadn't known. Celica hadn't come back into her life yet. It would have been easier, so much easier to let that lurk in her past, and never to bring it up again.

But of course Celica would find out, sooner or later. Because Celica loved her and that meant that she would have stumbled over buried hurts sooner or later.

It was all her fault. If she'd just been honest with Celica, she could have brought this up on her own terms. But by pushing her away, Celica had simply wandered by accident onto what Faye didn't want her to know.

Taking a deep breath, Faye forced herself to continue reading.

Faye, I understand if you still don't want to talk about it. And I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on you. I suppose that's why I wrote this letter to you. I thought coming to face you in person might make you uncomfortable about it.

I want you to know that I care very much about you Faye. And if you truly don't think a relationship between us will work out, I will accept that too.

And if you don't want to talk about this, I'll accept that too.

But I want to help you, in any way I can. I made a promise to you. I won't leave again. I will always be there for you. That hasn't changed.

So please, if you trust me to be strong enough to help bear your hurts, if you trust in the promise I made to you, please let me help you. Let me in.

It wasn't until the words blurred together that Faye realized her eyes were misted with tears.

Wiping at her eyes, Faye looked down at her door handle.

And then her gaze travelled down the corridor instead, to Celica's apartment.

Suddenly she found herself fumbling for the handle of her door, and she threw it open, stumbling into her apartment, seeking escape from – she wasn't even sure.

For a long time, she simply paced about her home, as the sun slowly sank in the horizon and day gave way to the night. She knew what she should do, what she had to do. But mustering up the courage seemed almost impossible.

Finally, unable to bear it any longer, she opened her door and walked quickly down the hallway. Reaching her destination, she knocked on the door, once, twice.

The sound of movement from within, and the door creaked open. Celica was standing there, and she could see an expression of relief come across her face as she saw Faye.

"Hello, Celica," Faye said in a quiet voice. "May I come in?"

There was silence, aside from the soft ticking of a clock on the wall. Faye stared at the cup of hot chocolate that Celica had made for her, at the steam wafting gently up from it. Opposite her on the table Celica held her own mug close to her, waiting patiently for Faye to speak.

Faye took a deep breath. She was here now, and she'd made the decision to stop running, but all of a sudden she felt small and almost insignificant.

"Take your time." Celica must have seen the distress on Faye's face. Her smile was open and understanding and that, more than anything, was what spurred Faye to speak.

"I guess..." her voice sounded small in the silence of room. "This didn't really start with Alm. It started all those years ago. With the fire."

"You mean... the one that destroyed your old home?"

"Yes. Everything I had was destroyed all of a sudden. And... I lost my grandmother too. The firefighters couldn't reach her in time, and she..."

"... I'm sorry." Celica's gaze was downcast. She would have known about this already, Faye realized; she had read about the fire when trying to find Faye, after all.

"Thanks. It's all right now. But... I think that was where it started. I became terrified of ever losing anything. Anyone." Faye closed her eyes and drew in a shaking breath. "I moved on with life, true, but I kept... looking back instead of forward. Tried to make sure things wouldn't change, ever.

"I guess I put up a good enough front for a while that my friends didn't really see anything wrong. Or, well, maybe they thought it wasn't that serious." She shifted her gaze to the window, and the grey skies outside. "Or maybe we were so close that even I couldn't imagine us ever parting ways."

"... But that changed."

"It did." Pausing to take a sip from her mug, Faye set it down on the table, and continued to stare at it as she talked. "I'd been attracted to Alm for a while. And when he became my boyfriend, I was overjoyed at first. But after a while... I became scared. Scared that I would do something to hurt the relationship. Scared that I'd do something to drive him away."

She could remember it now. The burning anxiety in her heart everything she spoke with him, every time they went out on a date. Worry that she had done something wrong, hadn't been paying enough attention, had accidentally offended him. Almost subconsciously, one hand reached up to clutch at her chest.

"It was awful. I became so worried about ruining his love for me, I... I ended up strangling out the love I felt for him." She could remember. The weariness, the resentment building up deep within her, with no outlet because she was too terrified that letting Alm know about her worries would simply drive him away.

She realized she was shivering now, despite the warmth in the room. She blinked, and felt tears building in her eyes.

"Of course, he realized that our relationship was just hurting me. I was a nervous wreck around him, I was losing sleep over it and I guess deep down I realized it too. But..." she managed a mirthless smile. "I told you I was terrified of losing anyone. I wasn't strong enough to... let go."

"Oh, Faye..."

"I remember the night he finally confronted me. He sat me down at the table and asked me if I even loved him anymore. And I think I still did, but I'd grown so – so numb and weary at that point that I just broke down in front of him because I knew it was over. And – and I knew it was all... my fault..." She had to cut herself off at that point. Her throat had closed up, her eyes felt like they were burning, and she knew that her nose was starting to run as well, as she struggled to hold in her sobs.

Suddenly she felt herself something soft and warm pressing on her, strong arms wrapping around her back, and she realized that Celica had come around to embrace her.

"Celica..." she whispered. "I'm sorry..."

"It's all right, Faye." Her voice was warm. Gentle. And Faye found her tears flowing even faster and she sobbed and sniffled into Celica's shoulder. Celica simply held her close, offering what comfort she could.

After a long moment, after she had managed to calm down, Faye pulled away. Celica held out a tissue, and Faye accepted it with a nod, using it to wipe at her eyes and blow her nose.

"Well, now you know." She said, letting her breath out with a sigh, as her shoulders slumped. "Alm, he... he helped me work through it, helped me with getting my life back on track. All of them did. Even though we both knew it wouldn't work out between us any longer. I'd hurt him, so badly, because of my screwups. Kept him in a relationship that wasn't working for far longer than I should have. But he... just wanted to help me." A slight smile and a shake of her head. "Is it any wonder I fell for him in the first place?"

"So that's why you trust them so much."

"I was a complete wreck at that point. My life was a mess. But they refused to leave me alone to... fester. They couldn't force me to change or anything, but they let me know they were always there. Always ready to help me take the next step forward, and help me to heal." She looked down at the table. "I owe them all... so much. More than I can ever repay."

A silence fell upon the room again, until Faye took a deep breath and stood.

"So, there you have it. I'm sorry I took so long to tell you, but... that's why. I can't love you. I... I can't love anyone that way. I'd end up ruining it, and I'd... It would just hurt the both of us."

"Faye..."

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I'll see myself out."

She was halfway to the door when she heard Celica speak out again. "You said you 'can't love me'."

Faye paused. There was something in Celica's voice that sounded different, as if some decision had been made or breakthrough had been reached. As she turned back, she saw that Celica was still standing by the table, with a smile so melancholy Faye almost rushed back to comfort her then and there.

Instead she stood still, half afraid, half hoping that Celica would say something, magically make it all right.

Taking a single step towards her, Celica smiled and held out a hand. "But, all these months we've spent together... you seemed happy. Was I wrong?"

Faye found herself unable to hold Celica's gaze and she looked at the ground. "That was – that was different. I didn't think about it – I was careless, I-"

"Were you happy to be with me?"

And it was those seven words, asked with a quiet sincerity, that pierced through Faye's heart, and she found tears flowing again.

Happy? The word seemed paltry, painfully inadequate to describe what she had felt. She had been content, secure in the knowledge that Celica would always be there, with her warm smiles and soft laughter and open arms.

"Yes," she admitted. She had been happy. So happy that she was now terrified that she had already ruined that happiness.

"Then please don't run away." Celica was even closer now, close enough to reach out and touch, and Faye was torn between throwing herself at her, or turning and running out the door.

Instead she did neither and let herself lean into Celica as her friend – her lover? Faye didn't know anymore – drew her into a tight hug. She was tired. Tired of running. Tired of worrying. Tired of... being so weak and fragile. She wanted to rest.

"Please stay," Celica breathed into her ear, her voice soft but carrying a promise of comfort and love. "Stay. And let me love you."

Chapter End

Author's Notes: I'm pretty sure I started writing this with a prompt somewhere... Oh look, it's gotten away from me again. It was supposed to be 'wistful' in the general sense of having Faye always looking back and trying not to lose what she has, but along the way I think it ended up being a full on complex.

Otherwise, nothing much else to say. I hope those of you reading this enjoyed it. As always, comments and criticisms are much appreciated.