I apologise for the delay in publishing this chapter. Unfortunately, I suffered many technical difficulties over the weekend with this website.
Updates will resume as normal on Friday 30 June 2017.

Chapter Twenty

Here With Me

It was still dark when Cullen woke under a heavy cloud of dread, despite the reassuring weight at his side, and despite the warmth of her skin against his own. He rolled to curl himself around her back, angry that his sleeping mind had allowed him to wander from her embrace.

He clung to her, desperate to brand himself with the warmth of her skin and the scent of roses that danced in the air around them. He buried his face in her neck, in the soft mane of dark curls that lay all around her head, tousled from slumber. He knew he had only moments before she would wake, her deep breaths coming faster and shallower as her body roused from sleep, but he would cling to this moment for an eternity if the Maker would allow it.

'Amatus,' Valina mumbled, fingers lazily caressing the arm he'd locked around her waist, 'you'll break me should you hold much tighter.'

Cullen eased his grip – barely – to allow her to roll onto her back. He stared down at her lovely face, felt her serpentstone eyes analysing him as he gazed upon her.

'Did you have a nightmare?' she asked, nimble fingers reaching up to trace his stubbled jaw.

He shook his head. 'No, I just– I'm still not sure I'll be able to let you leave,' he admitted, calloused hand cupping the soft curve of her face, 'but I know I have no chance of keeping you from doing something once you've made up your mind.'

'And so you are wise,' she said, lifting her head to brush her lips against his, 'let's go get some tea. I said I would meet my parents this morning.'

Cullen glanced up at the broken corner of the ceiling. 'It's still dark.'

'My father will have heard about the mission to Emprise du Lion shortly after we left the tavern last night. They're probably already waiting for us.'

She pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose before she slipped from his grasp. Cullen laid back into the pillows, covering his eyes with his arm to give her privacy as she took care of her morning needs. He did not rise until he heard her rummaging around in their drawers.

He moved behind her, grasping her hips as he pressed himself against her back. She paused, tipping her head back onto his shoulder as he kissed her neck.

'Promise me you're planning to pack smallclothes.'

'And why do you say that?'

'You're going to be travelling with the Iron Bull, potentially for weeks, and half of your tunics are near see through. I appreciate that fact greatly, but I'd prefer that Bull doesn't get a chance to do the same.'

She laughed. 'I can't very well hide my spare picks anywhere else, so yes, I'll be wearing smallclothes,' she said, reaching back to caress his stubbled jaw, 'but don't worry, I'll leave my silk gloves here for you, Amatus.'

He smirked against her neck, nipping at her skin playfully before he moved to her side to find his own smalls in the drawer.

Valina prepared a travel pack while Cullen strapped on his armour, then kicked the bag over the edge of the loft floor before she assisted him with the hard to reach buckles.

Cullen caught her hand in his as they walked around the battlements to the Voclains' quarters.

'Are you sure they'll be awake?' he asked as they approached.

'Quite certain,' she said. She rapped sharply on the door, and moments later Amira's voice drifted to them through the heavy wood, her clipped steps following.

For a moment, anxiety sparked in Cullen's mind. The last time he had knocked on this door, Valina had greeted him naked. Although he reasoned it was unlikely the Marquise would do the same, he could not help but feel a note of trepidation when the latch clicked and the hinges creaked. He breathed an inward sigh of relief to see Amira fully dressed, her thick auburn tresses pulled back in a neat braid.

Amira smiled warmly, taking Valina's hand to draw her into a tight embrace. 'Valina, darling,' she said, 'we hoped we'd see you this morning.'

She turned her attention from her daughter, reaching for Cullen. He stiffened as her arms encircled his neck, he was so surprised by her embrace, but the tension slowly eased from his shoulders as he realised that she was simply hugging him.

She drew back, squeezing his hands for a moment. 'It's good to see you both. Come, we just prepared some tea.'

She waved them into the quarters – one of the largest available in Skyhold – and ushered them to the table. Dranus looked up from the book he'd been buried in, eyes lighting up when they fell upon his daughter.

Cullen caught the spark of relief in Dranus' green gaze as he placed the book on the table, standing to greet them, but any trepidation he apparently felt vanished when his daughter went straight into his arms.

They each took a seat around the small table and Dranus poured a cup of strong, freshly brewed tea for each of them.

'Malakar mentioned that you'll be travelling to Emprise du Lion to assist with a dragon problem. A Highland Ravager, by the sounds of it.'

'The description in the report he received matches a Ravager, but I won't know for sure until I see it. I'll be leaving shortly after sunrise.'

'You're not travelling together?'

'As much as I'd love to tussle with a dragon, we're receiving more and more information each day that points us in the direction of Corypheus, so my duties here are more pressing,' Cullen said, 'Unfortunately, wars don't prepare for themselves.'

'The Inquisitor mentioned that you're closing in. Perhaps it will be over soon.'

Cullen offered as much of a smile as he could muster, even though he knew that Amira would see right through the half-hearted look. 'Perhaps.'

Cullen watched as the accompanying scouts loaded Valina's pack into the cart, his heart sinking as the reality of the situation hit. He faced weeks without her in his arms, without the song of her laugh, or her soothing voice.

Valina secured a few personal items to her horse, checking the straps on the saddle before she turned to him. He reached for her, drawing her into his embrace before he pressed a kiss to her forehead and cupped her cheeks to tip her head back. He claimed her lips, kissing her until they were breathless, until his fear and anxiety melted away, replaced by the sweet taste of her lips and the warmth of her touch.

He rested his forehead against hers. 'Be safe, my love.'

She stroked his stubbled jaw, and he read the promise in her gaze. 'I'll be home soon, Amatus.'

'I look forward to your letters.'

She stood on her toes, pressing a kiss to his nose just to coax a smile from his lips.

He released her reluctantly, taking her hand to support her as she climbed atop the massive steed. Once she'd settled into the saddle he squeezed her thigh, the captured her hand a final time to press a kiss to her fingertips.

'I'll see you in a few weeks.'

'I'll be waiting, my love.'

Another horse trotted up behind Cullen. 'If you two are quite finished with your pining, we'll get going.'

'You're travelling with your Amatus, Dorian. I think you can afford us a few minutes,' Valina said, throwing a smirk at the mage before she returned her attention to Cullen, bending down to steal a final kiss, ignoring the lip-smacking sounds that Dorian, Malakar, and the Iron Bull made as they rode past.

'Oh, hush. Are you three children?' Cassandra asked, following closely behind the raucous companions. Valina glanced up and the Seeker nodded, a soft smile lighting her lips. 'It is hard to leave behind the one you love.'

Cullen tapped Valina's horse, stepping back as the mare trotted to catch up with the group, the cart following closely behind.

He stood there until the caravan disappeared from view, knowing that a piece of his heart was travelling with her into the light of the morning sun. And still, he remained, even as Skyhold came to life around him, a part of him hoping in vein she would return.

Ser Cullen Rutherford,

Commander of the Inquisition at Skyhold.

Dear Cullen,

I'm sure I've told you how much I despise travelling in a caravan. It's terribly dull and slow. I am honestly surprised that the Venatori have not simply outrun the Inquisition. It would not be difficult considering the speed at which we must travel. I'm certain that the horses must be almost as bored as I am. They can hardly break past a trot without a wheel threatening to fall off the cart. Whoever made these carts wouldn't know quality craftsmanship if it slapped them on the arse. The moment I return from this mission, I'm sending letters to the best carpenters in Thedas and I will personally drag them to Skyhold if I have to. In fact, I may send a letter to mother. She has contacts in Ferelden and Orlais who should be able to build satisfactory carts in a matter of days. At the very least, I'm glad that we have Master Dennet's steeds. They are strong, resilient, and have admirable stamina (almost as admirable as yours, Amatus), and I sincerely doubt any other beast could carry the Iron Bull for as long without breaking its back.

We've stopped to make camp for the night a short distance from where the river meets the road. I am looking forward to a dip in the water, even if it's not as enjoyable without you. The winds were strong on the road today, and I have dust in places I scarcely thought dust would be able to reach. I promise I will stay far away from the prying eyes of a certain Qunari. Although I would proudly flaunt the claim you have laid on my skin through your kisses and bites, I desire only your eyes.

The sun has almost set now, Amatus. Know I will be looking up at the moon tonight. I hope you will look with me.

With Love,

Valina.

Lady Valina Voclain,

Member of the Inquisition forces, travelling in Orlais.

Dear Valina,

I hope this finds you safe. It's late here, now, later than I dare tell you. Perhaps it is weak of me to say this, as it's been mere hours since you left, but already I miss you, my love. I'm not looking forward to retiring to an empty bed without your warmth and your smile. I spent the better part of the day instructing the recruits with Varric until my limbs were weary, and since dinner, I have focused on reports and letters in the hopes that through my efforts I will tire my mind enough to avoid the worst of the nightmares I suspect will come without your soothing voice and embrace. I know I can endure it, and that thoughts of your songs will help. I looked up at the moon tonight even before your letter arrived, and I find comfort in the knowledge you were looking too. Maker, I miss you… [The script trails off here, a small smudge in the ink].

I apologise, I fell asleep at my desk it seems, but it was worth it to see your eyes and hear my voice in my dreams, my mind was so filled with thoughts of you.

I'll pass on your compliments to Master Dennet today. I'm sure he'll appreciate them. Your mother visited early this morning with a pot of tea. It was she who woke me, in fact. I am glad she did not comment on the state of my hair, though she had every right to with how it was sticking up on half my head, with spots of ink in it. Josephine brought your letter to her this morning, and your mother has spent the better part of the last two hours quizzing me about what cart specifications would be best suited for various Inquisition purposes and writing letters per your suggestion at my desk after she returned with a ledger as thick as my wrist. When I asked what the ledger held, she informed me that it contained details about all the contacts and contracts your family has amassed over the last century and that more than half had been added in the last twenty years. Maker, how many people does your family know? It would surely take months to examine it in detail; the records are so impressive.

I must go now, my love. There is much to do before the day ends.

Be safe.

Cullen.

Ser Cullen Rutherford,

Commander of the Inquisition at Skyhold.

Dear Amatus,

We reached the D'or Estate early this afternoon. We spent the final hours of daylight preparing and gathering supplies for the camps in Sahrnia and will complete the final leg of the journey towards the Judicael's Crossing camp at first light tomorrow.

Evelyn, Dennin, and Faedrir are well. They, along with Benet's stable hand and agricultural staff have outdone themselves in preparing the estate for Inquisition use, and the troops garrisoned in the estate have settled in well. They are treating the house and grounds with respect, despite their knowledge of the circumstances of the seizure.

I had a long discussion with the household staff about Benet's dealings. They did not know much in detail but have confirmed that Benet sold one of his drakestone mines five years ago, a month or so after I last visited his estate to reiterate – again – that I did not return his romantic interest. After Malakar and I discussed the information with Dorian, Cassandra, and Bull, we believe it is now safe to conclude that the red lyrium amulet corrupted his mind. Malakar has decided that, once the war is over, he will return the D'or estate to Benet and ensure he retains his title.

Evelyn, Dennin, and Faedrir asked me to reiterate their thanks to you for asking them to stay on and manage the estate. It has given them a purpose after so many years under Benet's tyranny. I spoke with Evelyn privately after she threw herself at me upon arrival. How in the name of the Maker did you manage to sneak off and tell her about my plan triple her Inquisition pay? You left my sight for barely a minute after we You sneaky bastard. You gave her a note when she brought us our morning tea, didn't you? She informed me that she plans to save the money she earns under Inquisition employ to buy her own house once the war is over – somewhere she and Faedrir can be safe, and where she can begin her own work. She sews exquisite dresses and jackets, and, in fact, she designed much of Benet's wardrobe personally. I said I would ensure she continues to have lucrative employment after the war, and now that she knows I have been supplementing her income anyway, I have offered to personally support a design shop in Val Royeaux for her, as well as to employ her as a personal seamstress to House Voclain. I received another hug after that; I am not used to such sudden affection from a stranger. Mother will be thrilled – she's been underwhelmed by the current fashion trends in Orlais.

I have heard rumours around the estate this last hour that one of the upstairs rooms is haunted. The troops are hearing strange moans and whispers, even screams. One even mentioned that he swears he's heard your name whispered through the walls, and seen it appear as if etched into the wood of the furniture and on the walls. Isn't that strange? I remember vividly the way your lips grazed my neck, the way you marked my skin and tasted me as you said you wanted my moans to fill the room, your name to paint the walls as it fell from my lips, and my screams to haunt this house. It's almost as if the words you whispered to me

Cullen glanced up as hinges creaked behind him. He stepped away from the window, moving to place the high-backed chair between himself and the scout, his neck flushing as Jim glanced at the letter in his hand.

'Have you not learnt to knock?' Cullen asked as he hid the letter behind his back, unwilling to share the contents; Jim wasn't the brightest scout but he had keen vision.

'Sorry Ser, with Lady Voclain being elsewhere I–' Jim cleared his throat as he stopped at the opposite edge of the desk. 'Ah, new letters and reports for you, just in from our Orlesian contingents.'

'Put them on my desk.'

'Yes, Ser,' Jim said, depositing the pile of missives before he turned tail and ran out the door.

Cullen's lip twitched in a smirk as he remembered the time the scout had stumbled in on a heated moment between him and Valina. The scout hadn't mentioned the incident to Cullen despite a few opportunities – likely due to the mental scars left from catching his commander with his pants down, so to speak – but rumours were still whispered between the recruits warning them against entering Commander Cullen's office without knocking, lest they see more than they bargain for.

Cullen shook his head, chuckling to himself as he settled into his chair and returned to Valina's letter.

It's almost as if the words you whispered to me have met your desires. I do quite like the idea of our lovemaking haunting this house, but, alas, it's more likely that a certain companion has been telling tales. At first, I suspected Bull but Dorian is a gossipmonger after a few wines, and I did see a bottle near him at dinner. But they seem to know such detail – down to your name appearing on the wall – even though you whispered those wicked things in my ear. Have you been bragging, Commander? My, my, I do love your confidence, Amatus. I hope you'll take time to rest while I'm away. Perhaps, when I return, we should make a few more rumours on the battlements. It's been only a night and already I long for the roughness of your calloused hands, the rasp of your stubble, and the wicked caress of your tongue all over my body. Even now, I can feel your mouth on my thighs where your new bites lay and the hot slide of your tongue between my lips. The mere thought of it makes my body heavy with want, and I can feel myself growing slick as I long for you. I may have to include more wicked thoughts in my letters over the course of my journey. You're sure to ravage me upon my return already, but with your blood burning at the thought of me touching myself to the memory of your talented mouth and your wonderful cock, I think I'll scarcely make it through the gates before you're inside me. The thought makes me tremble for you, Amatus.

With all my heart,

Valina.

Lady Valina Voclain,

Member of the Inquisition forces, travelling in Orlais.

Valina My Love,

Maker, the things you do to me. I thought to reply to your letter straight away but after the last paragraph I could not even put quill to paper; my hand trembled so much from the weight of my desire, and your words made me so eager I had myself in hand at my desk before I even realised I had untied my laces. I had to retire to our bed, lest someone walks in and catches me as Jim caught us.

Surrounded by your sweet scent and the memories of our most intimate moments, I brought myself to completion twice, but still, I ache for you, my love, even though it's been mere nights since I've had you in my arms and indulged in your pleasure. You may prove correct. I fear you may not even get through the gates before I have you off your horse and against a wall. I keep thinking about the time on the battlements when we were almost caught by the guard change – the heat of your body, the taste of your kiss, the sounds you made, and the words you spoke. You've taught me enough that I can pick up on the sensual things you whisper in Tevene now, the pleading and cursing, and the utterances about my merciless tongue and my veracious 'commander'. Veracious suits my member better than mighty, it is so enraptured by you. Just thinking about your voice when it's husky with desire sets my blood burning.

There's so much more I wish to tell you, but I'm due for meeting with Leliana and Josephine in a half hour and I cannot go in my current state. I'm sure you'll be pleased to learn that I must go take care of a pressing issue. Again.

I await your next letter, my love. Be safe.

Cullen.

Ser Cullen Rutherford,

Commander of the Inquisition at Skyhold.

Amatus,

We reached the Judicael's Crossing camp late today. You're correct. I am very pleased to know that I can rouse you so effectively even at such a distance – I only wish I could have been the one to sate your desires. I look forward to retiring to my tent soon if only so I can take care of my own needs. My fingers are nowhere near as satisfying as yours, and are frankly lacklustre in comparison to your mouth and your insatiable cock but, alas, they will have to suffice for now.

I hope we defeat this dragon quickly. I long to be in your arms again Amatus. I had forgotten how it truly feels to be alone in a bed, away from the person you love. By now you've probably noticed that one of your sweaters is missing. I may have borrowed it simply to carry something with your scent on it. I miss waking with you by my side, wrapped tightly in your embrace. I miss hearing your voice whisper in my ear to wake me, and being nestled together beneath the warm covers and simply enjoying your company as we share our morning tea.

Once, not that long ago, I would have relished the quiet nights I have enjoyed in my own company during this journey and would have been happy to have the covers all to myself. Now, as I sit on this mat with nothing more than the flickering light of a candle to warm me in my empty tent, and with thoughts of your safe embrace and the sweet words you whisper when you think I'm asleep filling my mind, I know those feelings belong to a time past.

I miss you with every breath and every heartbeat, and I love you more each passing day.

Yours always,

Valina.

Cullen glanced at the empty space beside him, reaching out to lay his hand where she would usually be, and for a moment he swore he could hear her sweet voice singing to him.

I miss you too, my love.

He read her words one last time before he laid the letter on his lap, heart heavy as he stared down at the page. Small blemishes marred the parchment, leaving the fibres wrinkled and the ink blurred from moisture, and even though the envelope had been crisp and perfect, he told himself it was from rain.