Donatello replaced his emotional anguish and terror with scientific procedure. He had to, or he knew that he would collapse under the weight of his feelings.
She would need a transfusion. That much was certain. But whose blood could possibly be compatible with April's? Donatello hadn't even bothered to check her blood type. And she could survive the Kraang water exposure. The Kraang said her DNA was unique. The wrong type of transfusion could cause her own immune system to kill her. He would have to test her blood the minute they got back. He would then have to see if Mei was a suitable donor. He didn't know what other human to ask.
Maybe they should take her to a hospital. But they would keep her under surveillance for weeks. They would ask questions. April would probably be labeled as schizophrenic and given anti-psychotic medications.
As a rule, anti-psychotic medications were a good thing—but only for people who actually needed them. They were the last thing that April needed.
"Donnie. Donnie! Hey, Donnie!"
Donnie jerked up his head and looked at Leo, who was driving the Shellraiser.
"We're almost there, dude. Is she still—"
Donnie hated to think how soon the weak pulse would give out. "Just drive," he said bitterly.
"Why would she do this, Obasan?" Leo asked. His voice was raw. "What was she thinking?"
How could she do this to me? Dontallo added silently. He held his fingers to her carotid again, praying that the beat would not die out. To us?
"Sometimes—people can't cope with trauma," Aunt Mei said. Between the three of them, she was the only one who maintained a semblance of calm. "They don't know how. Or it's too much. Or they don't have the right kind of help."
The right kind of help. Donatello nearly choked. He wasn't enough for April. Wasn't enough to keep her from taking this drastic step.
"But, I mean, you went through way worse than April," Leo said. "You didn't—do this."
Aunt Mei sighed and put her head in her hands. "I thought about it. Every hour of every day, for years."
Aunt Mei had no one and she'd never tried to take her life, Donnie thought. You have me. You have all of us. Why, April, why?
Is it my fault?
If he hadn't been enough to keep her from trying to take her own life, what if he wouldn't be enough to save her?
The Shellraiser screeched to a halt. When the doors opened, Donatello scooped up April and rushed her to his lab. Leo and Aunt Mei followed close behind.
The room was full of the smell of rubbing alcohol; apparently, Mikey had swabbed the exam table clean. Raph had scooted Donnie's cart of medical equipment close to the table. Both of them looked worried.
When Donnie laid April down on the exam table and uncovered her arms, Raphael bristled. "Who did this to her?" he demanded. "The Foot? The Kraang?"
Donnie ignored them as he hurried to run the blood test.
"She did it to herself," Leo said bitterly.
Raph made a strangled sound. Mikey burst into tears and ran into Aunt Mei's arms.
Aunt Mei gave him a brief hug but then pushed him away. "Donatello, what do you need from us?"
In horror, Donnie watched as the blood test confirmed his fears. April's blood type was like nothing he'd ever seen. There was no way they could find a suitable donor.
His heart froze. April.
"Donatello?"
The hospital wouldn't have been able to help her either. Oh, April.
"Donatello, what should we do?"
"How am I supposed to know?" Donnie screamed, whirling around. "I can't save her, okay? She's lost too much blood. No one in the world is compatible with her blood type. There's nothing I can do. Nothing!"
"Donatello!" Splinter stood in the doorway, holding his staff. "You are a ninja. There is always something you can do."
Donnie was furious. "Ninjutsu won't help me! It won't help her!" How dare Splinter talk about martial arts at a time like this?
"Ninjutsu is a way of life. A way of thinking. Focus your thoughts, my son."
"I can't!" Donnie screamed, cupping his hands over his ears. April was minutes from death. He could do nothing to save her. How could Splinter be so calm?
"Never defenseless," Mei muttered softly. She looked at Splinter with awe in her eyes.
Suddenly, Leo jerked up his head. "That's it! A ninja is never defenseless—he makes a new weapon!"
"Would you all shut up?" shouted Donnie.
"No, Donatello," Mei said. "Listen. April needs more blood. But she's still losing it. We've got to get her arms sutured and staunch the bleeding!"
"It doesn't matter! She won't make it anyway!"
"She won't if you give up!" snarled Raphael. He ran up to Donnie and grabbed him by the shoulders. "You've got to at least try!"
Don't you get it? Donnie thought. I've failed.
Hours later, Donnie lay on his bed with his face firmly planted in his pillow, trying to stifle the sounds of his crying.
He had totally and utterly failed April in every conceivable way.
There was a knock at the door. "Go away!" Donnie yelled.
The door opened anyway. "Come on, Don, you've gotta come out sometime," said Leo. "We saved you some pizza."
Donnie sat up, filled with more anger than he ever had been in his life. "I'm not hungry!"
Leo sighed. "You're overreacting."
"Overreacting? Overreacting? April almost died, Leo!"
"Yeah, but she didn't. Come on."
Donnie had never felt like he was drowning in so much failure. "Because of Aunt Mei! If she hadn't pulled off those last minute miracles—if she hadn't had the idea to use my equipment to synthesize a blood substitute—"
"What does it matter who saved her? She's alive. That's all that matters."
"In a coma!" Donnie snarled. "If I had thought of that idea sooner, maybe she wouldn't be!"
"You said yourself she'd lost too much blood."
"You don't get it, Leo!" Donnie felt like his insides had been shredded to pieces. "This whole thing is all my fault!"
Leo walked over to the bed and sat down. He put a hand on Donnie's shoulder. "That's not true."
"It is!" Donnie jumped up and glared at Leo. "I couldn't help her! If I'd found a way—before it came to this—"
Leo stood up. "Donnie, it's like Aunt Mei and Master Splinter said. This isn't our fault. There was nothing we could have done to prevent it."
Nothing. Leo was right. Donnie had been completely powerless to help April. He'd panicked, and because of that April wouldn't have made it without Aunt Mei's help.
April.
A dam inside of Donnie broke. His anger at himself, at April; his self-hatred in the face of his failure; all of the emotions that boiled inside of him surged out. He broke into uncontrollable sobbing and fell into Leo's arms, clinging to his brother like a little kid. "Why, Leo?" he whispered in between sobs.
After a moment, Leo pushed Donnie back slightly and held him at arm's length. A few tears spilled out of his eyes, dampening his blue mask. "I don't know," he said softly. "I just don't know."
They held each other tightly for a few more minutes, then broke apart.
"Come on," Leo said hoarsely. "Mikey's gonna eat your pizza."
"Yeah," Donnie said, forcing his face into a wry smile. "Wouldn't want a tragedy to happen today or anything."
Leo chuckled slightly. "There's the sarcastic brother I know."
As they headed to the kitchen, Donnie knew that pizza wouldn't fill the empty aching in his gut. He didn't know if anything ever would.