Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"
Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke – I'm just a broken-hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do?
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?
Owen sighed as the blades of the vent blew air from underneath him, he stood there unable to move while his mind worked on overdrive, a plethora of torturous consuming thoughts plagued his mind and weighed heavily on his heart. He closed his eyes every time the rush of wind enveloped him, keeping his hands firmly on his lab coat pockets and standing still wishing that he could disappear from the world around him, begging the gushes of hot air to blow him away.
"Are you happy now?" She had asked him months back, he almost felt like she was mocking him, like somehow she knew that he was living with the ghost of her and him. She was like his shadow, always following behind him and refusing to let him go, but even your shadow leaves you when you enter into the darkness, but In his case, Cristina might have left from his physical world but she remained cemented inside of him, permanently tattooed on every inch of his body, and the frugal attempts his mind made to move on were always intercepted by the feeling of loss and longing that refused to decimate. Why do people always say that time heals all wounds? It is a blatant lie, a statement that is made to fool a person into believing that the heart is strong and resilient when in fact it is weak and fragile and vulnerable. All time does is reiterate the fact that the wounds are still there, they are never fully healed, the scars that they leave behind are there with you forever, and they remind you every single day that no matter how much time passes, you can never ever forget, your memory serves as the salt and every instance you let your self think or reminisce, you open that wound up a little more and never give it time to fully heal, thus you never are able to move on.
He couldn't sacrifice for her, to some that might of meant he didn't love her, but in his heart he knew he had given it his all, he had even moved on, found simplicity in his life for the first time in years. He thought he was content and stable, at least he wanted to be so goddamn bad. He didn't want to fail, he didn't want to feel regret or remorse and he sure as hell never wanted to know the feeling of desperation and anguish. He also never wanted to blame her or wake up one day and resent her from keeping him from realizing a dream. But then she had dropped a bombshell on him and announced she was leaving, leaving the hospital, leaving Seattle and leaving him, and all of a sudden all those walls that he had built, all the steps he had taken forward and in a new direction into a new life with Emma, all of that he threw at her face and begged and pleaded with her to choose him, choose to have a baby with him, to choose a life with him. He didn't care that people had heard his shouting match with her, didn't care that he let her see him vulnerable for the first time since she announced that they should date other people, he didn't even care that Emma was standing right outside the room waiting for his shift to end so they could go out to dinner. In that moment his rage and bitterness swallowed him whole, all the pent up aggression, the bottled feelings and the hiding behind a new relationship exploded in a bitter frenzy.
Owen let out a sarcastic laugh, "She wants to have a baby now!" He said to the vacant boiler room as if he was talking to someone. He shook his head and started laughing uncontrollably, he finally knew exactly what Cristina felt when she was sitting on the toilet gripping her stomach and laughing hysterically when he had knocked down the bathroom door after admitting he had cheated on her. He was in bewilderment, he tried to grasp the concept but it kept falling on deaf ears, so he just laughed, and laughed, and laughed, until the pain in the pit of his stomach was so severe that he just couldn't laugh anymore. "She changed her mind," He whispered to himself, "She was gonna have a baby with someone else," He reiterated to himself, "She's gonna find somebody, and she's gonna have his baby.' And then those hysterical laughs were replaced with uncontrollable sobs, that fell without warning and with no intention of cessation.
'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving
Policeman says, "Son, you can't stay here."
I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year.
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows.
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go."
Why didn't she tell him at Jackson and April's wedding? She had known then, why did she keep it from him? To spare him the hurt? To spare him the regret? He didn't understand, he wanted closure from her, wanted her to tell him why now, and why not then. He knew that it was hard for her to see him move on, thats one of the reasons she left, he knew it would of been hard for her to see him get engaged and then married and he knew it would of killed her to see him start his family and watch as someone else fulfilled his hopes and dreams while she sat on the sidelines chastising herself with "What could of been." He was so occupied with what she would feel and how she would hurt that he had never prepared himself for what he would feel, he had never allowed himself to wonder if she would change, if one day she might want everything that she once was so adamant about not needing. But pigs weren't flying and hell hadn't frozen over, yet it felt like the world was caving in on him and he was dying a slow and torturous death, and he didn't understand why, he had moved on, he had accepted that they were over and wanted different things, he had promised himself that he would search for her in a different life and hope to God that in another place and a different time that they could be, that they would be together and finally his soul could rest at ease. But the realization that they could of been in this life, that if he would of stuck it out, stayed by her side and refused to let her go, that they could of had that life he envisioned with her, he chastised himself for it-but he wished that she and never changed her mind.
He was planning his wedding, he was marrying the antithesis of Cristina Yang, he had everything he had ever wanted, everything he had thought he needed, yet he was still standing on the vent, sulking over broken promises and what could of beens. He never thought that the day would come,never prepared for it and now he was lost and frozen in time.
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving
People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world
And maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
'Cause you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved
Cristina was back in Seattle, The Harper Avery Foundation was holding a conference in the city and she was not only invited but told she would be getting special recognition and needed to come up with a speech to recite in front of her fellow peers. It was easier said then done when you had a rambunctious little girl hooting and hollering for your attention twenty-four-seven. Cristina had adopted Tatiana a year and a half ago, right after she had returned from Korea. Min-Ji was her Korean name and Cristina only called her by that name when she was in trouble. It had been almost three years since she had left Grey-Sloan Memorial, She had left and went to Cleveland Clinic and worked there for almost a whole year, earning a second Harper Avery Award and rekindling her relationship with Marlowe, she didn't love him, but he wanted the same things she did and it made life so much easier to be with someone who had the same vision of life as you did. Well thats what she thought until she was offered the opportunity to travel to Korea and perform unheard of surgeries on remarkable baby patients who had been abandoned and had nothing to live for. The whole experience shattered her heart and broke her soul and spirit only to have it revived and rehabilitated again, fixing it and bringing it back to life in a better position then it had ever been before.
She had come back to America without Tatiana but the adoption papers were already underway, she could not leave her in the hell hole that was a sorry excuse for an orphanage, and her attempts to fight the feeling of want and longing and love toward the toddler went to no avail, she tried leaving and breaking herself apart from her grasp that night, she had even made it all the way to the airport, ready to get back on a flight to America, ready to leave her time in Korea behind, but after sitting on the plane, a mere second before takeoff, she leaped to her feet and exited the plane. She couldn't pinpoint what changed her mind, couldn't explain why she couldn't leave Korea without taking Min-Ji without her but the thought of leaving her behind made Cristina feel like she was leaving a huge part of herself behind, it left her empty, and she had, had enough loss in her life, too many pieces of her heart were gone and she could not afford to lose anymore of it for fear that she would lose herself. She went back and filed papers to make the baby her own, the process took a little while but she was grateful for that time because it would give her ample time to bring it up to Colin. When she did she had realized what a mistake it was, how wrong him and her were for each other, he didn't want anything to do with a baby and she was already in the process of adopting Tatiana. She laughed at how ironic and unfair life was, she had been in a stable marriage once, had a husband that wanted nothing more then to get her pregnant and have his baby, but she wanted different things at that time, and she broke a marriage and let him go, and now here she was, wanting a baby so badly that she broke her engagement to Colin in order to realize her new found dream.
She had seen Owen at Jackson and April's wedding, she was going to tell him that she had a daughter now, but Emma walked up and interrupted them, and she couldn't distinguish if she was relieved or distraught. Tatiana was turning three soon and she was such a smart and brilliant child, always talking and never shying away from conversation be it with Cristina or anyone else for that matter. She look so much like Cristina did as a child, it was almost eerie, she had the same mane of curls and full lips and looked like the mini-version of Cristina herself. Maybe thats why she became attached to her and why she found it so hard to let her go, and in the end it was probably why she came back for her.
Cristina sat at her desk and tried unsuccessfully to type her speech with Tatiana on her lap, who kept hitting the keys of her laptop and pretending to type the words she was saying. Her chubby fingers aimlessly hitting button after button. "Mama, I write speech for you." She said while typing away and giggling. Cristina laughed, "Oh, baby girl, your doing such a good job." She reassured her and patiently waited for her infatuation with the computer to decimate, which didn't take long since Tatiana got bored really really fast.
The next night she was called to the podium to accept special recognition for winning the Harper Avery Award three times in a row, she had arrived very late and quickly motioned for her nanny and Tatiana to take their seats at her designated table. She was grateful that she didn't have time to survey the room, she sighed in relief knowing she had dodged the uncomfortable greetings with her old colleauges and friends and her ex-husband who would probably be here with his fiancé. Her name was announced and she made her way to the stage as the room filled with applause, she stood in front of the room full of surgeons ready to begin her speech as the room quieted down when a squeal echoed through the room.
"MAMA!" Tatiana screamed as she sat up on her chair and clapped her hands together, mimicking the applause that her mom had just been given. The room was silent and everyone turned to follow the sound of Tatiana's voice as everyone erupted into fits of laughter and giggles. Cristina chuckled and looked slightly embarrassed. Tatiana stopped clapping and extended her arms out motioning for her mom to pick her up.
"Tatiana, are you trying to steal my thunder?" She asked into the microphone in a playful tone. Tatiana wanted to be on stage with Cristina and stepped down the oversized chair and went running toward the stage before her nanny could contain her. She ran as fast as she could with her hands extended forward and her pigtails swinging side to side,
She ran until she hit the stage, but the steps were too big,and she was too pudgy so she crawled herself up before Cristina extended her arms and picked her up, resting her on one side of her hip.
"Tatiana, Can you say hi to everyone?' Cristina asked.
"Hi Evvverybodddy!" She smiled sweetly as she waved her hand side to side. "I'm a pwincess." She stated before turning her head away from the podium and burying her face in the crook of Cristina's neck. "Oh, now you wanna act shy?" Cristina asked as she cradled her daughter. Tatiana raised her head and looked behind her and Cristina and noticed the big screen behind them with a picture of Cristina. She pointed toward the projector, "Thats you mama!" She said while while turning her attention to Cristina, and then looked at the audience before saying, "Thats my mama!"
Cristina smiled widely as she kissed her forehead and gave her a pat on the butt, she had written a speech but now that she was up on stage she decided to be raw and honest instead of giving a generic speech that was calculated and rehearsed.
"We as surgeons are a rare breed of people, we spend twelve years of our lives with our noses inside of books, studying day in and day out, we start by getting a bachelors before we apply to medical school or in my case get a PHD, then we attend four years in a medical program but it doesn't end there. After we finish receiving a conventional classroom education, we embark on a new system of learning, we start an internship and then five years of residency before we become surgical fellows. And then finally we can call ourselves true surgeons."
"It is a life long process, we chose a harder, stressful and less conventional way of living, the hospital becomes our home, our solace and our place of worship, sometimes we become so encompassed by the life inside the four walls of a hospital that we forget how to live a life outside of it. I love what I do, I was made to operate, I was born to be a surgeon and to save lives, its all I ever dreamed of being and the reason why I thought I was the best is because I dedicated everything I had into being the best, I sacrificed everything I had in order to be where I'am today. In the process of being the best, I lost sight of who I was outside the hospital because even if I wanted to spend every waking moment in the OR, I knew it was impossible, I had to leave at the end of the day, so every time I was forced to leave and go home, I was reminded that being a doctor was a huge part of who I was but it wasn't all I was. We are people first, we are human, then we are Mothers or Fathers and then we are Doctors. If there is one thing I would like any of you to take away from my experiences or success, it is that I gave my whole life to the hospital and in turn I forgot to live my own,"
Cristina looked around at the audience and sighed heavily when she finally spotted him in the crowded room, his mouth was agape and he was hanging on every word, the disbelief and sheer shock two emotions he could not conceal even when she met his gaze.
"My daughter, she's like a Hail Mary, and she made me realize that you should never put all your eggs in one basket and I'm a better surgeon now then I ever was, all the young surgeons who sit before me today, I want you to know that it is possible to have it all, you should never have to choose, and even though it might be harder to juggle, it is so much more rewarding because nothing worth having should come easy, and if life doesn't challenge you then it doesn't change you, and if you don't change then you don't grow- and in order to grow we must evolve, thank you." She finished to a round of applause and a standing ovation. The only person not standing nor clapping was seated in perfect view.