Like We Never Loved At All Chapter 5: Life For Rent, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Thank you so much for the reviews, I'm sorry I haven't updated my other fics in a couple weeks but I will get on it soon, I'm just experiencing a little writers block. This fix is just speaking to me right now cos I like to imagine that Crowen will be reunited after season 10 because they are soul mates and they deserve a happy ending.

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

People say that everything comes full circle, what goes around comes around and then it goes back around. That everything happens for a reason- for a greater purpose that were not sure of in the immediate present but in the end what is meant to be will be. What we realize as we grow, as time passes us by and our days start to become numbered- like a ticking time bomb, is that no amount of wise words can stop the grieving, the self-doubt, and the million-dollar question- Why is life so hard? And what makes it worth living? Or rather who makes it worth living?

What makes us want to get up every morning? Why do we get knocked down time and time again and decide to get back up and try again? What gives us a sense of meaning and purpose? I used to think that my happiness and sense of worth were both bottled up and intertwined in one significant sacrifice I made for the universe, I woke up each and every day because I was born to be a doctor, but not just any doctor, I was a surgeon, the top of the medical food chain pyramid. I was born to be brilliant, I was made to save lives, I was created to fulfill this one and only destiny- its all I wanted and all I thought I would ever need.

The OR was my salvation- the only place in the entire world that I felt alive, that my life seemed to make sense and have meaning. It served as my security blanket, I could never hold onto anything long enough or strong enough so it always ended up slipping through my fingers, but I knew that I would always have my talent, when everything else that was given to me slowly diminished from my grasp, I knew that I would never lose the ability to be a surgeon.

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

But somewhere between leaving my life in Seattle behind, the people who I grew to love and learn from, the hospital that made me the decorated and meticulous surgeon I was, the place that changed me, that made me grow and taught me how to love unselfishly- I learned the most important piece of information, one that cannot be found in a textbook or perfected in the OR, a lesson that can only be learned by living. It might have taken me longer, I might have been too stubborn and insecure or maybe I was to head strong and stuck in my ways to understand the meaning of life, why I was really alive- what my purpose really was.

What I found in the absence of the life I cultivated in Seattle is that the place you worked, the money you made, the awards you received, these do not add up to much in the end, because your life will flash before your eyes one day and all you will be able to see and take with you is something that cannot be measured in accolades nor prestige nor can you put a price tag on it because no amount of money could ever cover its cost- And that is the memories you made with the people who made your life worth living and the relationships you built between and among people because people really do matter- We matter.

if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

Cristina tried so hard to move on,she wanted Owen to be happy, wanted him to have everything he had ever dreamed of and she loved him enough to let him go and chase his destiny. But love doesn't just die, its like the wind- you can't see it but you can feel it- no matter the distance, no matter the time that passes or where life takes the two of you- it defies reason, its overwhelms logic and common sense. She wished she would of never changed her mind, wished that she would of stuck her ground and lived the life she had always envisioned, she wished that she never woke up and decided that surgery was not the end all be all to her happiness- that she deserved more, that it was possible for her take more- she didn't have to choose- she could have it all if she opened up her mind and heart.

Sometimes she felt guilty- like she was committing a crime or sin for wanting something she swore she would never want to have, it was a battle she fought within herself day in and day out and a nightmare she couldn't escape whenever she thought about what could of been, because he or she would of been five years old right about now, and her imagination would frequently paint a picture of its image. And nothing stung like the look in his eyes- the torture and devastation that he didn't even try to hide nor erase from his face. She knew that it hurt him, and she hated that she cared but there was no way to shut off the mutual feelings they had for one another.

Cristina knew he had moved on, he was getting married soon and she had let him go three years ago and that gave her some relief because he chose to let her go too even though he could of chased after her- told her she was enough. Now she had a daughter, a vastly different life then she could of ever imagined for herself, but if it was gonna happen then it happened at her own pace- you could never rush or push Cristina Yang to do anything- you just had to wait for her to want to make the first move. They say everything happens for a reason- so maybe if she would of never let him go then she would of never realized just what she was capable of having.

Cristina left the podium and held onto tatiana's hand protectively while the descended the steps from the stage to their reserved seats. She tried not to look his way again but she couldn't help but notice the surprised faces of her former colleagues and friends, especially Meredith who looked conflicted and stared intently at Cristina, and Callie who sat next to Owen and whispered something in his ear while she gave his hand a tight squeeze. Then she saw him slowly get up, ignoring a tug that Emma gave his forearm and witnessed him say something to her before he made his way to the exit and left the room, and once again they departed.

"I'm getting married, I should be planning my wedding and thinking about my future, about starting a family and buying a house," Owen said as he vigorously scrubbed his hands until they were raw and burned. "But all I can think about is her, every minute of every day I wonder where she is, what she is doing, who is she with, I keep seeing her with her daughter in my head and its driving me crazy because I think about how perfect they looked together and how perfect I would fit into their lives." He continued to unceremoniously wash his hands after a grueling eight hour surgery.

Callie had finished washing her hands long ago but she still held onto the paper towel she used to dry them with, she quickly disposed of it in the trash and turned to Owen and shut off the running water from his faucet and grabbed some more paper towel from the dispenser and handed it to him.

"Your hands are clean enough, any more and they will start cracking and bleeding." She said as she turned her body away from the OR and leaned against the counter before looking up at him and addressing his admission. With a long and heavy sigh she began to speak.

"I like Emma." She said, "I really like Emma," She stated. "She's domestic, and polite and caring and all homey and warm and fuzzy." Callie said without making eye contact. "But I love Cristina, I love her passion and drive and focus. I love that she is who she is and she makes no apologies for it. I love the fact that she became everything she set out to be and in the process of achieving her dreams, she realized one that she never thought she would want to witness or achieve.

"Cristina is the type of person you only meet once in a lifetime, she is different and challenging and complicated- she's not simple." Callie gave Owen a sideways glance, finally meeting his gaze. "You thought that you wanted simple, that you needed easy-going and uncomplicated, and now that you have it, I think your experiencing buyers remorse. Because the perfect person is boring, if there is no passion and fighting and if the person your with doesn't challenge you and give you a run for your money then there is no love there- because you should want to fight and want to get into with Emma, you should have arguments and disagreements because thats what makes a relationship stronger and then you should want to have mind-blowing make-up sex. But you can't have any of those things because the two of you never fight, you never argue, your not passionate about each other because you just don't care enough."

"You have to figure out what you want because I don't want you to hurt Emma in the midst of you trying to cope and accept that you still might love Cristina."

Owen took in her words and let out a defeated sigh while he rubbed the back of his neck, pacing the scrub room, "Love.", He said. "I still love her, always have and unfortunately always will." He admitted.

"Then you have to do something about it."

"Your indecisive, your a cheater, your flaky but most of all your a liar, you promised me 40 years Owen, you told me you would be around for forty years and I only got five of them, you owe me another thirty-five." Cristina looked intently at him, her gaze never deterring from his as the tears flowed freely and the room filled with the echo of her hoarse and raspy voice, her bottom lip twitching and her eyes bloodshot.

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