I'm just a coward when it comes to love
July 2015
The sun was shining down her face, warming up her skin and making her smile. Her fingers were wrapped around a cold glass of ice tea while she had her eyes closed, listening to the singing birds around her.
Clarke sat on the porch by herself while her friends were inside, preparing the food for tonight. They all had gone on a trip for the Independence Day, which was today. It was kind of a tradition for them to celebrate this day together. And because everyone got a few days off from work they'd decided to visit the cabin Miller' family owned. It was by the ocean, a two hour's drive away from Arkadia.
It was nice to have them all around and so close because reality got them under control far too often. All of them were busy with their work, building houses or just trying to figure out what they want from their lives. So days like these were very rare and special. It felt just like being back in the good old days, where they were together all the time. It felt good … and yet it wasn't. Yet it was completely different.
They all brought their significant others and families along this year. So it was much louder in the cabin and more chaotic than it had been in the past. But Clarke didn't mind. She liked talking with Lincoln about art and playing with her godchild MARIE. She also enjoyed talking about the good old times with Monty and joking around with Murphy and Miller. It was nice and yet she felt worse with each day that passed by. It was getting harder and harder to keep up her face, the masquerade she put on when she was around him.
Around Bellamy … and his new girlfriend. Gina Martin. A woman whose company Clarke would really enjoy if it wasn't for the fact that she was with Bellamy. Gina was very sweet, and likable. She was a kindergarten teacher and a passionate musician. Clarke understood why Bellamy was with her. And yet Clarke couldn't stand her. Not as her best friend's girlfriend. Not when Clarke still had feelings for him.
Because she did. And Clarke hated herself for that. She knew it was ridiculous because Bellamy and her had broken up years ago. They both had moved on. Or at least she thought she did. But even when she was still studying medicine she knew that she hadn't let him go. That she still had feelings for him, which didn't go away until now. These feelings were the reason why she always had come back during the breaks. Why she had decided to do her residency at the Arkadia Hospital and not somewhere else.
Because she was still holding onto him. But Clarke never made a move. She always wanted to but she didn't know how Bellamy felt. She had never been brave enough to tell him that she came back for him, that she wanted to be with him. All they had agreed on were being friends and that's what they were – best friends.
And Clarke was grateful for that but at the same time it was her personal hell. Which became even worse when she learned about Gina almost a year ago. It's been a year and she still hadn't gotten used to Bellamy and Gina being in love. And they were. They both truly loved each other and that sucked even more. Because if they weren't, maybe Clarke would talk to Bellamy and tell him what she was feeling. She would have had hope that he felt the same. But he didn't, because his feelings for Gina were real. Gina was real. So Clarke had to move on for good.
And she wanted to move on. She really did. Clarke also wanted to be happy for Bellamy. He deserved a woman like Gina. A love like this. And as his best friend Clarke was supposed to be happy for him. For both of them. And she really tried. It worked lying to herself that the feelings would go away on their own, like they would just disappear and she could be happy and supportive for real. Most of the days it worked.
But then there were days like today, where she needed all her strength to keep it together. It wasn't that Bellamy and Gina were cuddling and kissing all the time. But even the little things like their smiles and the little pecks made her feel sick, making it hard to breathe. Clarke had to take some time off, being on her own so she could take a deep breath to calm herself down. Two more days. Just two more days and she would be back home, not having to torture herself every time she laid eyes on the couple.
Clarke closed her eyes. She had been alone for quite some time now and thought about getting back in when she heard footsteps approaching her. The steps were careful, like the person who did them wasn't sure if she was asleep or not. So Clarke opened her right eye and looked towards a nervous looking Bellamy. Her heart sank. She swallowed and opened the other eye, trying to put on a casual smile.
"Sorry," said Bellamy "did I wake you up?"
She shook her head, not trusting herself with words right now.
"Okay," whispered Bellamy relieved, but still didn't move an inch. She knew that he wanted something but he was too nervous to ask. Maybe afraid even? Maybe it was because she didn't say anything. Maybe he felt that something was wrong. That she wanted to be alone and was avoiding him, a little at least.
"Can I sit with you for a moment?"
Somehow this question broke Clarke's heart. They used to read each other like their own hand. They used to know when the other person wanted to be alone, what they wanted to say. But this had been a long time ago. Their relationship had changed. So many times. Especially since he was with Gina. Clarke didn't want it to happen but it did. Sometime and somehow in the past year their relationship changed and it wasn't the same. They still were best friends, but sometimes they felt like strangers to one another in moments like this.
Clarke's eyes raked over Bellamy who set his eyes on her and while his body stood straight and solid, his eyes gave everything away. He really was nervous. He really couldn't read her, so he wasn't sure what her answer would be. And neither was Clarke. Did she want Bellamy to be her company right now? After all she had been thinking in the last few minutes? That she was still in love with him and she wished that she could tell him.
Oh Clarke wished she could just switch off these feelings and be the friend Bellamy needed, that he deserved. But at the moment Clarke couldn't be this friend. She didn't want to be this kind of friend. And yet she was desperate to have some time alone with him. They hadn't been alone since they came here. Since a very long time to be honest, because Clarke tried to avoid situations like this. Situations best friends would be comfortable with, being alone, spending time together, talking.
"Clarke?"
Bellamy snapped her out of her thoughts.
"Hm? Oh yeah. Sorry. Of course." She moved a little so Bellamy could take a seat on the bench right next to her.
He smiled and she returned it but looked at her ice tea a second later. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she breathed in his scent a few seconds later. Everything in her body tickled. Her mind got foggy and Clarke hated her decision immediately. And it got even worse as they sat in silence for quite some time. It killed her. She didn't feel comfortable like she used to. It made her nervous. Bellamy and her exchanged a short, insecure smile. Which didn't help at all because - why was Bellamy as uncomfortable as her? Clarke took a big gulp of her tea, when Bellamy decided to break the silence – finally!
"So, everything's okay?"
He should have stayed silent. Was everything okay? Seriously? Well, not really but Clarke swallowed and nodded anyway. A scratchy "Yeah" was all she got out of her mouth.
"That's good," said Bellamy lowly and out of the corner of her eyes she saw that he looked down at his palms, kneading the inside of the left one with his right thumb. He truly was nervous. This and him scratching his neck were signs of pure nervousness. Her heart beat louder, slower. Her eyes flew to his face, trying to read his expression. Something was off. And somehow Clarke didn't like the feeling.
They fell into silence again. And again it was pure torture. It was unbearable, so Clarke was about to stand up but again Bellamy spoke up.
"You are my best friend, you know that right?"
He looked right at her, face determined and insecure at the same time. It took Clarke a few seconds before nodding again.
"I know." This time her heart beat faster. Her eyes studied Bellamy's expression. Nervous strikes rolling through her.
"And you can talk to me. About anything." Continued Bellamy and turned his body towards her, looking at her fully.
"I-I know." Repeated Clarke and hated not being able to say more than a few words. She is supposed to say so much more. God, there had been times where Clarke didn't stop talking to him. Where they chatted all day. And not like this. Silence surrounding them. And everything so insecure and forced.
"Okay. Because I have the feeling that something is wrong." Now his face softened. His gaze was full with care. And before Clarke could say or do anything he pushed further.
"If there is something I have done then you can tell me."
Clarke frowned. "I … there isn't anything." Except for the 'I still love you and don't want you to be with another woman' part.
"Are you sure?" He doubted and she couldn't blame him. She knew that she behaved different around him.
"Because I have the feeling that you are avoiding me."
She was. She definitely was. But she couldn't tell him, right? She couldn't tell him how she felt when he was around her or when he was with Gina. It was her burden to bear, not his. So Clarke thought about a different answer. Something he would believe. A lie.
Clarke licked her lips and shook her head. "I'm not. I …" She didn't know what to say. She wanted to lie to him. Tell him she thought about her dead friend Wells or her father. But she didn't. All she had been thinking in the last few days had been her feelings for the man in front of her. The man who looked at her so carefully and determined, who wanted to make sure she was okay.
Finally Clarke sighed. She shrugged with her shoulders and smiled apologizing.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel this way. Maybe I'm a little off these days. I don't know why. But this has nothing to do with you."
Automatically she put her hand over his and caressed her thumb over the tanned skin. It was a move she regretted immediately. Heat rushing up her cheeks, her heart pounded loud and fast, her stomach turned around.
"I promise."
She looked right into Bellamy's face which eyes were laid on their hands before he looked up and swallowed thickly. His eyes were fixed on hers and she could tell how much her words meant to him. That Bellamy believed her because he trusted her. He believed her when she was telling him everything was okay, even though it was a lie. Nothing was okay for her. Not when it came to Bellamy.
"Okay," smiled Bellamy and didn't break the contact, neither their hands nor their eyes. Seconds passed by and Clarke felt more nervous. Her heartbeat was at its high and her stomach felt like riding a roller coaster. Everything around her vanished. All she could see was his eyes. His damn brown eyes which were telling her how important she was to him. How much he loved her, even when it was in a different way then her love for him.
His eyes which ... which flew to her lips for a split of a second. It happened so fast that it might never happened at all but then he swallowed thickly and Clarke hold her breath. She looked at Bellamy and saw something glowing up in his eyes. Or maybe she just wished it did? Because he didn't show any attention to kiss her, which she had been so sure of, and smiled instead. He let go of her hand and nodded.
Clarke bit her bottom lip and tried not to feel too disappointed. He wasn't about to kiss her. He was with Gina. It was just wishful thinking, right? She cleared her throat and let her eyes move along the porch. Her heart still beating loudly, while her mind went crazy, thinking about if he would have wanted to kiss her or not. When the thought of it became too much Clarke decided to break the new created silence by asking if everything was okay with him.
Bellamy looked up, eyes a little wider than usually like she caught him at something forbidden. He licked his lips and took a deep breath before answering the question.
"I, well I'm not sure."
Her heart stopped.
"There, uhm, there is something I want to ask you, if it's okay."
Her heart started beating faster. She nodded, not letting go of his nervous face. "Of course." Her voice was a little edgy.
Bellamy started fumbling at his pocket, while saying, "I have thought about this for quite some time now and I'm sure I want to but then again I am to afraid of asking because I'm not so sure at all and, well," he pulled out a small box and Clarke's heart stopped for good. It was a small casket. One, probably every woman dreamed of getting. The blood stopped rushing through her veins, she stiffened, eyes wide in shock. This couldn't be ... this couldn't be an engagement ring. Could it?
He turned the box in his hands and looked at Clarke, nervous. Her heart raced like never before. Everything in her body got crazy. She didn't know what to think. She was afraid of letting her head speak and even more afraid of what her heart had to say, so she just kept looking at Bellamy.
"I, I want to ask Gina if she wants to marry me. Tonight."
She felt like she was falling into ice cold water. Her stomach clenched and her heart ached so hard that she thought she was having a stroke. Her fingers were shaking. Her face got blank, just like her mind.
"Do you think it's too early?"
Tears threatened to blind her gaze but she couldn't take it from Bellamy. It was hard to breathe, hard to live at all in this moment. The way he looked at her. Full of concern and so insecure if the timing was right. If he was right. He looked at her like he needed her to say that it was alright. Like these words would save him from drowning. It took Clarke longer than it should have to be able to breathe again, to say something that wasn't a love confession. Because that was all she could think about right now. That she was in love with him and didn't want him to marry Gina.
Even though she knew that the next words would be important. The next words would seal the fate she chose. Either way she told him that she still loved him, hoping that there still was a part in him that felt the same or she kept her mouth shut and told him what a good friend, a best friend would say. That everything was right and that she has no doubt of Gina's answer.
Clarke's eyes dropped to the little box in Bellamy's hands. How badly she wished he would be asking her right now.
She swallowed, forcing herself to help Bellamy fighting his doubts because she loved him. She loved him so much that she wanted him to be happy. She always hated such self sacrificing people. People who thought so little of their own luck and the worth of it, who put the happiness of the others above their own. But here she was, telling Bellamy what he needed to hear.
"She loves you Bellamy" Just like her.
"I have no doubts of Gina's answer. You are a great guy Bellamy. You, gosh can't you see how incredible you are? You are so sweet and kind and reliable. She loves you. So there is no 'too early' … only a too late."
Her heart broke at her last words. It was too late. Too late for them. Too late for her telling him how she felt. How much she wanted to be the woman by his side. Tears burned into her eyes, but she forced them away and put an encouraging smile on her lips.
Bellamy's jaw clenched. He kept looking at her like he wanted to make sure she meant what she just said. He started to nod and let his eyes drop towards the box in his hands. "Only a too late, huh?" He mumbled and something sad was in his voice. Like he was thinking about their past as well. Her heart skipped a couple of beats, her mind raced and she opened her mouth to tell him what she wanted to stay for so long, especially after seeing him looking like this. A little regretful.
But Clarke bit her bottom lip. Her throat glued together so she couldn't say anything. Anything but a "She loves you.". Because it was the right thing to stay.
She leaned forward then, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek. Eyes closed, throat dry and her heart broke apart the moment her lips left his skin. She smiled, feeling tears coming up and she decided to leave Bellamy alone. She went inside and straight into the bedroom she was sleeping in, before the feelings overcame her and she started to cry. She had made a call, letting Bellamy go for his own good, and now she had to live with it.
March 2016
She had decided not to tell him then and she wouldn't in hell tell him now. Even when her friend's tried to convince her otherwise. Raven and Murphy looked at her in pity. Clarke swallowed hard and took a deep, shaky breath. Her heart was aching. Her hands sweaty. She could do this. She had to do this. Just a few more hours and everything would be done. Everything would go back to normal … except that it wouldn't. It would never be the same. Ever again. She knew it but she had to tell herself that she was going to be okay. That they were going to be okay, otherwise she would break down. And if her friends kept looking at her like this she just might.
"Clarke," started Raven softly, but with so much pity that Clarke felt pathetic. Raven stepped closer, "You, you have to tell him."
The blonde shook her head. Holding up her hand to stop the brunette from talking and walking any further.
"No. No I can't. I… it's too late. I'm not going to tell him on his wedding day Raven! I mean, I have no right to do so. I had my chance. I messed it up. He moved on. And as his friend I should be happy for him. He deserves to be happy."
"But-" started Murphy but Clarke cut him off too. "No John! I'm not going to ruin this day because I'm still in love with him. It's too late. I am too late. I have to live with it."
Murphy chewed his bottom lip, like he wasn't sure if he should keep his mouth shut or if he should say what he wanted to say.
"Clarke … you, you should really go and talk to Bellamy." Repeated Raven and Clarke shook her head once again.
She swallowed thickly. Couldn't they leave her alone? It was too late! It was, wasn't it? Clarke took a deep breath. Or maybe it wasn't? Why should they keep pushing her to talk to Bellamy? Did they know something that she didn't? Something about Bellamy? Maybe he didn't want to get married? Maybe he was waiting for her confession so they could run off? Maybe... no. No she had to stop!
He loved Gina. She could tell by the way he was looking at her. By the way he talked about her. She knew because she had been this woman once. It felt like a lifetime away, but it didn't prevent from hurting less. It sucked. But like she said, she had messed it up and had to live with what she'd done. She straighten her gaze, before telling her friends,
"I won't Raven. And neither will one of you, okay?"
Murphy and Raven shared a questionable look.
"Okay?" Asked Clarke again, more firmly. Arching her right brow, looking at her friends skeptically. They had to remain silent. Today and probably forever. After a while Murphy and Raven sighed resignedly and nodded. "Okay."
"Good." Clarke took another deep breath, smoothing her dress once more before putting her face up high. "Then let's go to the ceremony."
Fifteen minutes later Clarke felt a thick lump inside her throat, tears burning in her eyes and it was getting harder and harder to breathe while Bellamy was giving his vow to Gina. She felt sick to her stomach and needed all her strength not to rush out of the church. It was harder than she ever thought it would be. Harder than she wanted to admit. Her teary eyes remained on her ex-boyfriend who was looking at his soon to be wife with so much love that it made her feel even worse. She was so jealous. She always wanted to be this woman in front of Bellamy. And not the one sitting in the first row. Clarke bit her bottom lip, trying to suppress a whimper.
When she felt a warm and soft hand above her own she looked down and then to it's owner. It was Murphy, who was squeezing it gently, comforting. He was trying to support her, taking away the pain. Her eyes flickered towards his face and he sent her a small encouraging smile. She swallowed, feeling the tears sticking in her eyes even more now before forcing herself looking back to the ceremony.
She cried like most of the guests by the end of the ceremony. But for a whole different reason than the others.
Breathing was hard. Almost impossible. With every breath she took the stabbing feeling in her guts grew bigger and bigger. Clarke swallowed down the lump in her throat and her heart ached with every beat, while her eyes laid on the smiling bridal couple which was dancing between their guests. Happy and in love.
It was more than ridiculous but Clarke thought she should be the woman in Bellamy's arms right now. She should be dancing and laughing with him. Excited for their future. Of course Clarke knew that she had her chances. She could have told Bellamy about her feelings all those months ago and she always had decided to stay silent. It was the best for him. He always smiled when Gina was around, he was always so happy. She made him happy, not Clarke. And the blonde knew that it was totally wrong to keep holding onto their past but somehow she was too afraid to let go. Even though she knew it would be the best, for her and for the relationship with Bellamy. She had to move on and not keep thinking about what they used to have.
And to show her how right she was about thinking letting him go or maybe just to score her off the fate changed the music into "used to" by daughtry.
Her whole body tightened while the first lines of the song sank in.
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me then only other choice was falling down.
They used to have everything and she messed it up. It was her fault and Clarke knew that but it didn't make it any easier. It still hurt like hell. Her throat tightened and tears glittered in her eyes which she tried to hid with a smile when Bellamy caught her gaze. He was swinging Gina over the dance floor and looked at Clarke over his wife's shoulder. His wife … Clarke wanted to puke. They both looked at each other and it never felt more wrong. His lips curled into a smile, a generous one.
One that always had made her heart jump high out of joy. But not this time. This time her heart got broken. The blood pulsed loudly through her veins. Every beat of her broken heart was louder than the one before. Clarke swallowed and tried to keep up her smile. She really tried to hide her feelings, all her sadness and regret but when Bellamy's smile changed, just about an inch, into a sad one, she knew that she failed. That Bellamy still knew her and that he probably always would. No matter how hard she tried to trick him … and herself.
She broke the contact when his gaze and the feelings inside her got too heavy. Also Murphy caught her attention by plumping into the seat right next to her, which she was secretly grateful for.
He looked exhausted and grabbed the beer glass on the table. Clarke chuckled when he didn't stop to gulp down the golden liquid. When he did, he breathed out heavily and looked at her.
"So you still can smile."
Clarke stayed slient and Murphy sighed, rolling his eyes. "I didn't say you have to stop."
Clarke chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes flickering over the couple of the day. She saw how Murphy followed her gaze and sighed once more.
"Would you like to dance?"
"No, not really," mumbled Clarke and took her eyes off of Bellamy who was holding Gina in his arm now while chatting with Miller and Monty.
John moved the chair a little closer, putting one hand on the back of Clarke's seat and leaning on his other arm on the table. He eyed her for a moment, intensively.
"I think you should dance Clarke." His eyes flew over to Bellamy and then back at her. Again she shook her head.
"I'm not in the mood John." Her voice was quiet and she wished he would just leave her alone. Of course she appreciated his offer, the try to change her thoughts into something better but right now all she wanted was to be alone. Suffer in her pathetic self-pity a little longer. But Murphy wouldn't be Murphy if he would just give up, so he pushed further.
"Come on Clarke. You can't just sit here all night and torture yourself by stalking them all the time."
"I am not stalking them," hissed Clarke with such a force that made Murphy smile.
She knew that Murphy was right. That she was just torturing herself with sitting here and not doing anything but watching. She looked at the bridal couple once more before breathing out heavily.
"But you are right." She pushed the chair back. Murphy frowned, surprised by the power his words seemed to of had on her.
"I, I think I should go."
He let his head hang, sighed and rubbed his eyes. "This was not what I meant Clarke."
"No, no I know it wasn't, but" she swallowed, "but I", she swallowed again, "I just don't want to be here any longer."
John looked at her closely, studying her, before breathing through his nose and nodding.
"Okay, then let's get you home."
"You don't have to Bellamy. I -"
She stopped immediately, realizing how she just called Murphy. Sorrow was in his eyes and he opened his mouth but Clarke corrected herself quickly. Her heart pounding painfully.
"John."
She sighed and swallowed. She had called him Bellamy internally because he always had been the one who brought her home. He always had been the one who let go of everything and made sure she would come home safely.
"You don't have to John." Tears pooled in her eyes, still thinking about Bellamy who always had been so protective and sweet at the same time.
"I can go home by myself." She put her hand over his one on the table and smiled thankfully. "But thanks."
"I know you can. But we both know that Bellamy would kill me if I would let you." He grinned playfully and Clarke smiled quietly and tears shined in her eyes once again. Her heart clenched, while she mumbled her return,
"I wish he would."
Her voice was heavy and the knot in the back of her throat grew bigger. She wished it would be like that. That it was the truth, because it would mean that she still was Bellamy's everything. The one he cared about the most, besides Octavia. It would mean that everything was how it should be, like she wished it was. But a glance over to her former boyfriend showed her that no matter how hard she wished for it, it would never happen. That someone else had taken this place instead. That Gina was his wife, not her.
Murphy's little chuckle snapped her out of her thoughts.
"Yeah … me too Clarke. Me too."
It sounded amused, but also sad and pitiful. His laugh faded and turned into an encouraging smile. Then they walked towards Bellamy and Gina to say goodbye.
Clarke told herself to hide her feelings and tears, when she straightened herself up and put on a sweet smile as they reached them at the bar.
"Hey," smiled Gina and Clarke knew she had to make it quick, otherwise she would start to cry. And that really was the last thing she wanted to do right now.
"Hi," returned Clarke and avoided looking at Bellamy when she said it,
"Uhm, it was a really nice party but unfortunately I have to go."
"Oh no," complained Gina and looked at the clock on the wall, "It's just half past twelve. We haven't gotten the cake yet."
Clarke swallowed. She had to keep holding on to the masquerade. Out of the corner of her eyes Clarke saw Bellamy shifting. She ignored him.
"Yeah, I know and I am really sorry, but I just got a message that there will be an unexpected surgery tomorrow where I can assist, so I think it's better for me to quit drinking and head home for some sleep."
It was a lie. A pure lie and when Gina pulled her into a hug to say goodbye, Clarke saw into Bellamy's eyes that he didn't believe her. That he knew she was lying. She could tell by the way his jaw clenched and his gaze hardened. And her looking sorry and regretfully at him didn't help convincing him otherwise.
But he didn't say anything. He just swallowed and Clarke tried to take her eyes off of him but she couldn't. They kept glaring at each other intensively until Gina ended the hug and made Clarke smile at her. The numb feeling in her gut grew bigger when she saw the honest and generous smile of the brunette.
"Thank you for coming."
"You're welcome." Clarke tried to mirror her smile but failed. Her heart clenched, she felt so bad for feeling so jealous of Gina who was the nicest person she could imagine for Bellamy to be with. Guilt boiled inside her, so she moved on to say goodbye to the groom, which was the real torture.
Her heart beat so fast that it was about to explode. Everything was different now. Nothing was the same anymore. He was married now. He had moved on and she? She was still the pathetic young girl who was still in love with her former boyfriend. Who hadn't been brave enough to talk to him about her feelings. Her throat was dry and glued together. It was hard to breathe and every fiber of her body was screaming. Her skin was on fire and she felt like bursting into tears within the next two seconds.
But she couldn't show him. She couldn't let it happen. Clarke wasn't allowed to break down in front of them. She needed to stay strong like she had been in the past. So the blonde forced her lips into a smile and spread her arms so she could say goodbye to the man in front of her.
"Thank you for the invite." She said and hoped that her voice sounded steadier than she felt. When she put her arms around Bellamy it felt so unreal, so feigned. It felt wrong, like it wasn't them. Like they were two different people, people who didn't know each other at all.
And yet it felt so good to be in his arms. Having him so close, breathing in his familiar scent and feeling his heat through her clothes, his breath on her skin. It felt like home.
It took all her willpower not to snuggle into him. Not pulling him closer or to cry into his chest.
"Well, thanks for coming," retorted Bellamy and her heart skipped a beat when she felt his arms wrapping themselves closer around her. He pulled her closer, just for a second and only for her to see (and to feel). One second. He squeezed her, like he wanted to tell her something. Something he couldn't voice. She was about to melting into his arms when he pulled back, letting her go. Clarke had to resist the urge of pulling him back again. She missed his warmth already.
They both looked into each others eyes when they pulled apart and this time her smile was small, but it was real. Just like his and a shiver ran down her spine because if they would still be together this would have been the moment he pulled away a strand of her hair and gave her a soft kiss.
The sudden memory made her eyes teary again. She blinked and was forced out of the moment by Murphy's subtly coughing. Clarke blushed and looked away while Murphy said goodbye to Bellamy as well.
"You too?"
"Yeah. I'm getting her home. It's on my way anyway."
No it wasn't and they all knew.
Bellamy gazed towards Clarke for a brief moment, like he wanted to make sure she knew about this. Then he nodded.
"Okay. Get her home safe." He looked at Murphy seriously, almost threatening. But John didn't seem to be impressed by this gaze. Maybe he had seen it way too often. His eyebrows just scooted up for a brief moment before saying "I will" and turning towards Clarke, ready to go.
The blonde wished she could stay. She wished that she could go home with Bellamy but she couldn't. Never again. So once more she put on a fake smile (one Bellamy probably could look through).
"Okay, so … have a good night and I'll see you."
Bellamy and her exchanged a quick last glance, then her eyes fell towards Gina whose eyes went from Bellamy to her, an indescribable gaze in it, and Clarke felt even worse now. She swallowed and smiled at Gina once more who forced herself smiling back. Suddenly Clarke couldn't leave fast enough. Her whole body was tensed and it wasn't until Murphy and her were in the taxi when she broke into tears, sobbing into her friend's shoulder.
This night was the worst night she ever had in her entire life, that's for sure.
Three months later Clarke met Lexa Woods and suddenly things didn't seem so bad anymore.