Always There

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Here we go again! I own none of these characters, but am grateful to JE for inventing them for us to play with. Unlike JE, I am not making any money from them

A/N: Thank you all so much for the great response to the last chapter. See, I told you that it wouldn't be so long before the next one's up, and here it is! This is getting tricky for me now, but I'm getting there. This is the hospice system in the UK – apologies if it's different where you are. Oh and it's a long one!

Warning: You may need tissues! Enjoy!

Stop the Clocks

Part 1

Steph looked up at the smooth, white ceiling. The middle of her bed was always her good thinking spot, ever since she was a little girl. Ok, so this was technically Carlos' bed, but she was sharing it enough these days to think of it as hers too. And yes, it took a few days to be able to lie here and look up at the ceiling without either falling to sleep or getting herself hot and flustered remembering what else that bed was used for, but she was over that now. It was familiar – and oh how quickly it had become so. And she was so very grateful for that just now.

Was it really only a couple of weeks ago that her and Carlos had finally gotten themselves together and admitted how they felt? Because in many ways it felt like it had always been that way. But no, it really was only two weeks – fourteen days. But what fourteen days.

Edna had come out of hospital and had been doing quite well. When Val told her about the open house so that her friends and family could come to see her, Edna had been thrilled and insisted on a visit to Clip'n'Curl so that she looked her best! The afternoon had been lovely and it was clear that Edna had enjoyed every minute, although it left her wiped out. And all the while, her and Carlos had worked out their relationship – well the beginnings of it anyway. And grandma could not have been more pleased. Even her mom seemed happy about it and dad – well his only comment was that he wished Ranger would buy a good American car!

The rest of the week had been good but busy – between going after her skips, running searches for RM and visiting grandma, Steph was bordering exhaustion too – a fact that Carlos was all too aware of. So much so that he had insisted on the two of them going away for a couple of nights just so that Steph could sleep in, have a massage and relax for a whole day. She had argued with him of course, saying that she really needed to be with her grandma, but as ever, his calm voice of reason convinced her that two nights away – Friday and Saturday – was only actually one full day and that they would go straight to the Plums' house for dinner on the way back. After he assured her that they were actually only forty minutes away, she had no more points to argue and she was glad she hadn't, because it wasn't until she was away that it dawned on her just how much she had needed the break.

The realisation had felt incredibly selfish. Why should she need a break when it wasn't her who was sick? Grandma didn't get a break from it. Carlos had wrapped her in his arms and pulled her on to his lap. He gently explained that it wasn't selfish at all, that Carers invested so much emotional energy that they couldn't self regulate, couldn't see their own part clearly. That the feeling of seeing someone you love go through so much was so raw that your brain deliberately blocked some of it as a coping mechanism. Trying to live a life was hard enough at times, but when you filled every moment either working or visiting the hospital, collecting prescriptions, making appointments, going to the appointments, taking in information, making decisions and then trying to eat and pay bills, it was utterly draining in every way.

"You deserve this Babe, you need this. Just enjoy it," he had said.

As usual, he was right. Little did they know then that it was the calm before the storm.

ooOoo

Steph was in the pharmacy collecting the latest prescription. Edna was definitely deteriorating and so needed stronger meds every three or four days now. Dr Olsen was talking about morphine drips on their last visit. Steph took a breath and tried not to think too hard about what that actually meant.

Opening the door on the way out, she saw a familiar face in front of her.

"Hi Anne," she smiled at the nurse who had cared for Edna from day one.

"Hello Steph! Collecting some of the good stuff for Edna?" joked the older woman.

Steph laughed and nodded. "No doubt I'll be back here within the week for more."

Anne stopped and her face dropped. She recovered well, but it was too late.

"What is it Anne?" asked Steph suddenly concerned.

"Nothing," replied Anne, rather too quickly.

"Anne, please, what is it? You're freaking me out here."

"Steph, I'm sorry, I can't. You need to talk to Edna. Have you seen her today?"

"Not yet. I just finished work and am picking this up on my way over there. Why? What's happened?" Panic started to rise in Steph's throat. She scrambled for her cell. "Have I missed a call?"

Anne's calm voice and hand on her arm, brought her back to a semblance of the here and now.

"Steph, you need to go home and talk to Edna. She came to see Dr Olsen today," the nurse saw the shock on Steph's face. "– but you didn't know that. More I'm not allowed to say. I'm so sorry, I thought you had seen her."

Steph caught Anne's meaning – she wasn't allowed to say anything, but there was clearly something she needed to know. Giving Anne a tight smile, she ran to her car.

ooOoo

Ranger walked in to the apartment on seven and knew instantly that something was wrong – very wrong. Steph's keys were on the floor instead of in the dish on the sideboard, her shoes kicked off just inside the door. He could smell the dinner that Ella had left and yet it not only wasn't served, but the coverings looked as though it hadn't even been looked at. He followed the breadcrumb trail of discarded clothes until he heard the shower and went to look for his girl. The sight before him almost brought him to his knees.

Steph was sitting on the floor of his shower, her knees up to her chest, a mop of wet, curly hair hanging forward as the water sprayed over it, hiding her face. But he didn't need to see her face to see that she was sobbing. Her body language had given that away. Stripping away his own clothes quickly, he opened the shower door, called her name softly to let her know he was there and then sitting down beside her slipped his hand in to hers and waited.

When the water begin to cool he carefully got up, turned it off and all but lifted Steph to her feet. He squeezed out her hair and wrapped it one towel and dried her off with another before slipping a bathrobe over her to keep her warm. Quickly drying himself off, he slipped on some sweats and a T shirt. Steph still hadn't moved so he swept her up and took her into the sitting room, placing her carefully on the sofa. He made two mugs of hot chocolate and pressed one into her hands and sat with her feet in his lap. She finally looked up at him, her blue eyes watery, puffy and red rimmed. She took some deep breaths and sipped the hot drink, closing her eyes as it slipped down. Never had she been more grateful that Carlos didn't need long explanations, just the details.

"Grandma went to see Dr Olsen today. It's gotten bad, really bad," she stammered, her throat aching trying to stem the sobs. "Dr Olsen told her it's a matter of days rather than weeks now. She's going into the hospice tomorrow."

With that final admission, the sobs came back. Carlos took the hot drink away from her and pulled her into his lap. He held her tight and whispered how sorry he was and how he was there for her as she cried it all out. Eventually she fell asleep and he carried her to bed. Making sure she was in a deep sleep he picked up the 'phone and called Bobby and then Tank.

ooOoo

The next morning Steph awoke, sticky eyed and feeling like she'd slept for about ten seconds. Only the warm, solid heat radiating through her back made her feel better and she sighed in relief that he was there.

"Morning Babe." He dropped a kiss on her temple and squeezed her tight.

Their moment was interrupted by Steph's cell 'phone. The Mission Impossible theme meant that it was grandma. Steph signaled for Carlos to let her sit up, took a deep breath, grabbed the 'phone and flipped it open.

"Hey Baby Girl," started Edna gently. "How you doing this morning? You had me a bit worried there last night."

"I'm fine grandma, honestly. I just…. I just…. freaked out a little bit you know?"

Edna chuckled. "Yeah I know. There was a lot of freaking out around here yesterday. You know your mother is ironing socks now don't you?"

For once Steph didn't roll her eyes. She got it, she really did.

"Anyhow," continued Edna, "I thought you'd like to know that the hospice called and they have a space for me. I'm going to go in just after lunch. It gives me time to pack."

Steph couldn't speak, the lump in her throat so big she swore it was stopping the air in her lungs.

"I understand if you don't want to come today Stephie," said Edna quietly. There was a pause before she continued. "If I know you, you won't want to come at all, and really, I wouldn't blame you, but please come and see me. You will come won't you?"

"Oh grandma, of course I will!" Steph blurted, unable to keep the rush of emotion in. "I'll come today, Carlos and I can drive you there if you'd like?"

Edna let out a breath and Steph could hear the smile in her voice.

"No, it's ok, Frank and Helen are going to drive me. We're going about two, so why don't you and Carlos give us an hour and then pop over?"

"Great, that sounds like a plan. See you at St Luke's around three."

"Three it is."

"Oh and grandma?"

"Yes Stephie?"

"I love you."

"Love you too baby girl."

ooOoo

St Luke's Hospice was beautiful. Set in small, well kept grounds, it sat back from the road and looked homely. Carlos parked up and helped Steph out of the car, keeping his arm around her for both support and connection, as they walked towards the entrance. He pulled her up short and turned her towards him.

"Babe, you can do this. Whatever these next few days bring you can do it. It won't be easy, but you won't have to do it alone. Okay?"

Steph leaned up and kissed him softly before nodding. Pulling herself up, but still not knowing what to expect, she walked in.

The entrance was wide and very open. It was painted a pale yellow colour and there were arrangements of fresh flowers on the casual tables along with newspapers and magazines. But it was smell, or lack of it, that really hit Steph. For some reason she assumed that this place would smell the same as a hospital. The only thing that stopped it looking like a country home was the reception point built in a lovely pale oak.

Behind the desk the lady – June – smiled at Steph and Ranger.

"Welcome to St Luke's. How can I help you today?"

Steph was a little taken aback. Something else different from a hospital – a receptionist that wasn't aggressive, smiled and made eye contact!

"My grandmother came in today – Edna Mazur?"

June beamed. "Of course! She's having some checks done with the nurses just now. I'll take you to her but can give you a quick tour on the way. I have to say that, although we haven't known her for long, Edna has already made an impression."

Neither Steph nor Ranger could hide the smile at that statement.

The building was arranged around a quadrangle with rooms on all sides, all overlooking the quad. The inside of the quadrangle was a beautifully kept courtyard with a variety of plants and flowers, a pond and some smaller water features. June also pointed out that there were four family rooms on the upper floor so that loved ones could sleep over, as well as a lounge area stocked with various drinks, cakes and cookies, all supplied by volunteers, a small kitchen and when needed, counselling rooms.

Back on the ground floor and at a tangent to the quad, was the chapel. Steph stepped through the door and gasped softly. It was beautiful. Simple and elegant, with a stained glass window portraying St Luke, the doctor, gazing up at a heavenly light. Whoever designed the chapel had thought carefully about its position as the sun came straight through the window casting the most wonderful multi coloured light across the room.

"It's so peaceful in here isn't it?" said June softly. "I never tire of seeing that window." She paused before adding, "of course, not everyone these days, believes, so we also have what we call the Contemplation Room for those who prefer non religious connotations."

Steph was rooted to the spot, gazing at the swathes of translucent colours. June was right. This was peaceful, calm and surprisingly comfortable. She spotted a door to the side.

"Is that part of the chapel too?" she asked.

June looked at her, her features softening.

"Not exactly. That's the Rose Room. It's for families and friends to be alone with their loved one after they pass…."

"Oh," was all Steph could manage.

Picking up the pace June led them quickly out of the chapel and along to a large, airy room with space for both easy chairs and a dining area that overlooked the grounds.

"This is where guests can eat if they feel well enough to be out of bed. Visitors can eat here too – although you do have to book that. The food here is marvellous and the chef caters to the needs of each guest. There's also quite a nice wine list!"

June smiled as she saw the questions run through Steph's head.

"Well, there's only twelve rooms, so it's not too much for chef to handle. And the wine? You're wondering how come our guests are allowed it?"

She looked at them carefully and answered slowly, giving them time to take in her answer.

"Hospice care is palliative care – the patients and their relatives, know that they are dying. Some come in for a bit of respite, but most are here in their last days. As long as alcohol doesn't interfere with their pain relief, then why not? You notice that this place doesn't smell like a hospital, we have flowers everywhere and did you know that we allow animals to visit individuals? Well, although we have exacting standards of hygiene in the medical area, we don't have to keep a general sterile environment and so we can allow those homey things that hospitals can't. And that's the idea – a home from home. We also have a bank of volunteers who offer services for free. There's a hairdresser who can come in, music and art therapist, someone to read books to guests, someone else who can bring a dog in for guests to stroke, to name just a few."

"And what about you June?" asked Steph. "Are you a volunteer or do you work here?"

"I'm a volunteer. I lost my husband, of thirty years, two years ago. This place helped me through it, picked me up and put me back together again. When I realised it was run mainly on the goodwill of volunteers, it was clear what I wanted to do. So I come down here as much as I can. The bereavement counselling that was offered here is what made the difference."

"So how, is this place funded?" asked Ranger.

"Mostly on donations," came her reply, shocking both Steph and Ranger. "Although I think there are some government grants that help pay for the medical teams. But we pride ourselves on the fact that, if we have the space, anyone is welcome here regardless of their income. At this time in a person's life, their bank account means nothing to them."

They stopped outside a door and June tapped on it, putting her ear to the door.

"This is Edna's room," she announced as she pushed the door back allowing Steph and Ranger to go in first.

"Baby girl! Ranger! What do you think? Ain't this place the pip?" declared Edna. "Look at this room – so fancy and I've even got my own little garden area."

Steph looked around the room. En suite bathroom, tv, small wardrobe, dresser and a nightstand. The decoration was tastefully done and the linens matched. The only difference between this and a hotel room was the hospital style bed. Steph looked across the room and saw patio doors that opened out onto the courtyard. The most gorgeous smell wafted in over the tinkling sound of the little water feature. Steph saw her parents outside looking at the plants and from somewhere remembered that smell was a Star Magnolia. Grandpa and Grandma had had one in the garden of their home.

"It's beautiful grandma."

"It is isn't it?" started Edna excitedly. "And do you know what else? Do you remember Anne the nurse from the hospital? Well, she works here too! She's the one who settled me in today and we've got things planned already. Tomorrow, Val is bringing the girls up and we're going to have a picnic in the garden, just the five of us. I hope you don't mind Stephie, but I wanted a little time with the babies…"

Steph smiled tightly to keep the tears in. She realised only too well that the picnic tomorrow would probably be the last time the MA, Angie and Lisa would see their great grandma Mazur.

"Of course grandma, the girls will love it. Um, I'm just going to have a quick look out in the courtyard."

She left quickly, clearly trying to hide how upset she was. Edna turned to Ranger.

"Thank you," she said simply.

He understood completely.

"No Edna, I should thank you. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but because of it Steph and I are now together and we're both happy, really happy." He waited a beat before adding, "besides, I didn't want you haunting me and my men."

Edna smiled. "Well, you carry on being good to her and I won't need to – but that changes and I'll find you, you hear me?"

It was Ranger's turn to smile.

"Yes ma'am."

Edna pulled herself up in her easy chair, her demeanour suddenly serious. She leaned forward slightly.

"Now listen to me Ranger, you and I both know that my ticket's been punched and I'm on my way. Stephie will find it hard, really hard. Sure the others will too, I know that, but Stephie especially. She's stronger now she's with you and that's a good thing. But don't let her wallow, okay? I don't want that. I'm an old bird but you and her, you have your lives ahead of you – just promise me you'll help her make the most of it?"

He nodded, somehow knowing that she wasn't finished – and that this may be her last chance to talk to him privately.

"I've no regrets Ranger, remind her of that. Truth be told I'm tired and now that you two are together, I'm more than ready. I'm not going to tell her that or she'll get some notion in her head that I went because you two got together, but I have a feeling you understand the concept of dying at peace."

He nodded again.

"The only thing I'll miss is that I'll never see you two marry or the gorgeous grandbabies you'll give Helen – but then I can't think about that because there will always be something worth living for." She held a fragile hand up. "Don't worry, I know you two aren't there yet and maybe never will be. No, I've made my peace and my time is here. Just make sure she knows that will you?"

Ranger reached out for the bony hand, careful not to mark the paper thin skin.

"Edna, you have my word."

She covered his hand with her other one and gripped as hard as she could.

"That's good enough for me."

ooOoo

The next few days Steph visited the hospice as soon as she finished work, one of the guys dropping her off, and waited until Carlos came for her and they could all share dinner together. June had been absolutely right – the food was good. Grandma however, by the third night, was not.

Steph had arrived in the afternoon, her spidey senses telling her to get to the hospice. As she pulled up, she saw Anne outside with Val and their mom.

"What's happening?" she blurted. "How's grandma?"

Anne looked to both Val and Helen in case they wanted to explain but they just shook their heads.

"Steph," started Anne gently, "Edna has begun to find things a little difficult today. Her breathing has become a bit laboured and that's making her tired. You know you're grandma likes being out and about and it caught her a bit unawares as she was taking a stroll around the gardens. So we had to get her in quite quickly and put her on a nebulizer as well as give her some other drugs to help. She's better, but she's sleeping just now."

Steph rocked on her heels and Anne guided her to a nearby bench and pushed Steph's head between her knees. She took a few minutes to collect herself and remembered Carlos' words. She could do this, she had to. She would not let him or grandma down.

"Steph, Dr Olsen is here and he'd like a word with you, your mom and Val. Is that okay?"

Steph nodded mutely and somehow found herself in one of the Family Rooms with Dr Olsen.

"Ladies, I'm sorry to have to have this conversation, but the time is soon coming when Edna will not be able to make decisions about her own treatment."

All three women sucked in a breath. Dr Olsen gave them a minute. Val began to sob quietly. Steph and her mom each instinctively reached out from either side of her to hold her hands.

"What this means is, that you have to decide what you want us to do." He turned to Helen. "Mrs Plum, technically, you are the next of kin, so it falls to you, but I know that when we spoke earlier, you said that you wanted to make the decisions with your daughters. Is that still the case?"

Steph was reeling. Her mom actually wanted to involve her and Val in this.

Helen nodded.

"Okay, so as you know, Edna has made her wishes known and put certain things in to place. What I need to know is what your wishes would be up until those points."

"No pain," said Val in a whisper. "No pain."

Helen and Steph nodded their agreement.

"And no gasping for breath," added Steph. "I couldn't bear that. I want her passing to be as comfortable and as dignified as possible. Is there a way that she could just fall asleep and then….you know…?"

"What do you think?" asked Helen, looking up at Anne.

"I think you are asking for something that is sensible and reasonable and shows how much you love Edna," she replied with a small smile.

Dr Olsen took up the conversation.

"We can give her morphine and other drugs when that time comes, that will do exactly what you're asking. But you should know – and I have to tell you this – that this will bring the end quicker."

Val broke down and Helen gasped. Only Steph remained calm.

"Good," she said quietly.

Her mother and sister looked at her, shocked. She met their horrified gazes.

"I'm sorry but it is good. What 's the alternative? She struggles because we want to put off the inevitable? That's cruel and selfish. That's thinking about us, not her. I'd rather her have the drugs, be comfortable and drift off sooner, than watch her suffering because we want her longer. I don't care what you think of me, but I can't bear the thought of her suffering. Mom, Val, Dr Olsen isn't talking about euthanasia, he's just saying that the drugs may end her life quicker than if she didn't have them. To me, that's a pay off worth taking."

Helen thought for a moment and looked at Val who nodded.

"Stephanie's right doctor. Mother must not suffer. Do whatever you need to do to make her as comfortable as possible please."

The doctor nodded.

"Anne and I will leave you alone for a little while."

"I'll be just outside if you need me," added Anne.

As they were leaving, Dr Olsen turned to the three women.

"I'm not supposed to say this, but however hard that decision was, it was a good one. Stephanie was right. Believe me, you would not want to see Edna in her last days struggling to breath and in pain."

Once they were alone, Val and Helen broke down. Steph couldn't. She didn't know why but she just couldn't. Not yet. She was just numb. This was really happening.

It was going to be a long week. And it was going to be hell.