Always There
Chapter 13
Disclaimer: And again! I own none of these characters, but am grateful to JE for inventing them for us to play with. Unlike JE, I am not making any money from them
For my Dad. It may be 11 years ago this week but at times it feels like yesterday. It was indeed, a privilege.
Stop the Clocks
Part 2
Edna opened her eyes and slowly looked around the room, getting her bearings. Remembering things was getting a tad difficult lately, probably because of the drugs she was getting. It took her a little time, but the events of the morning quickly came back to her.
"Grandma? How are you feeling?"
It was Stephie. Edna smiled.
"I'm fine. I suppose you heard that I got myself a little out of whack this morning eh?"
"I did. You caused a bit of a stir what that stunt," joked Steph.
"Always could," winked her grandmother. "I like it here though, I'm glad I came, but you know what? The wine they gave me with dinner last night? Non alcoholic! I ask you, what's the point in that?"
"You're on a bucket load of meds and they didn't want you falling over and hurting yourself – like you almost did this morning. You know you can't take certain meds and drink!" answered Val, her tone scolding but with a small smile on her face.
"Well, I say that after today, it wouldn't make much difference would it?!"
They all laughed, but also knew that today had been a bit of a shock to them all. It was Helen who broke the silence.
"We've got to go now mom. Val's car is in the shop and so I'm going to take her to pick up the girls from school, but Stephanie is staying aren't you?"
"Yep – it's me and you grandma!"
"Actually Stephanie, could you take your sister today? I mean you always come in the evening with Ranger and he's so busy I wouldn't want to upset his day."
Steph read the subtext quickly and agreed. She had no idea what her grandma was going to say to her mother but it was only reasonable that she would want time alone with her daughter.
"Sounds good," said Steph. "Besides I haven't seen the girls for a few days." She kissed her grandma goodbye. "I'll drop in again a bit later okay?"
Edna waited until the girls left and had Helen close the door. She then beckoned her daughter over to the easy chair that was right beside the bed.
"Helen, I'm proud of you," she started. "You've a long way to go but you've made a start and I'm proud of you."
Helen sat ramrod straight and looked at her mother.
"I'm not quite sure what you mean…" she began.
"Yes you are, you know perfectly well that I mean Stephanie. Helen, I don't have the time or the energy to play games."
Helen's eyes filled with tears, which she fought to bite back. She took a deep breath.
"You knew her better," she said quietly, "you're the who understood her. I envied you that, my own mother. But I tried with her I really did.."
"No, you didn't, not hard enough. Stephanie couldn't be the daughter you wanted her to be, but you would never see that. Stephanie was not and will never be Valerie, or Lousie Bartoli, or Tammy Wiczenski or any other girl you compared her to. Don't you see Helen? Stephanie is her own person, a free spirit that can't be moulded into any shape other than the one she is meant to be. And that takes time."
"She's you," stated Helen more calmly than her mother would have expected. "But I did try mother, I did. I knew she was different but I just didn't know how to help her. Do you know what it's like having people laugh and talk about your child? Stephanie stuck up a tree, Stephanie tripping up the aisle in mass, Stephanie jumping off the roof trying to fly? I just wanted her to be happy, so I tried to show her how."
"No Helen, you tried to show her what made YOU happy, instead of showing her how to find her own happiness. But you couldn't do it, the Burg couldn't do it and Joe couldn't do it. Do you know why she's so happy with Ranger? Because he doesn't try to do it. He just supports her and let's her shape herself. And know this. If you try to make her choose between you and Ranger, he will win every time."
"I love her, I do, in spite of what you think. I do." The tears began to fall freely now.
"That I know. Always have," replied Edna gently. She leaned forward and reached for her daughter's hand. "Helen, look at me. You're a good mother who lost her way with Stephanie. But it's not too late and that's what I meant when I said that I was proud of you. I see the change in how you've treated Stephie since all this started. You've listened to her, consulted with her and not tried to take over everything even though it's been the hardest thing you've ever done. You're treating her like an adult at last Helen. Don't lose that. I'm not going to be here to keep an eye on it, but promise me Helen, promise me that you won't give up on Stephanie but that you won't try to interfere and control her life. If she makes mistakes they're hers to make and your job is to support her, not criticise and pull her down. Don't drive her away Helen. Now promise me."
Helen looked up at her mother and squeezed her hand.
"I promise."
ooOoo
Steph dropped Val off and then called Ranger, telling him what she was about to do. As she expected he backed her fully and so here she was pulling up at the Bonds Office with a box of mixed doughnuts. She hadn't been eating well lately but strangely for the first time in a while, she felt the urge to dive into the box with Connie and Lula. She wondered idly if there was some sort of psychological reason that she craved doughnuts in this place, as though the combination of Lula's appetite and the nastiness of the place spiked the urge for very refined sugar – and lots of it.
"Hey Steph, how's your granny?" was Connie's first question. Steph had called to say that she was going to visit and so wouldn't be going after Mooner that afternoon.
Steph dumped the box on the desk and all three women picked out their own favourites as she answered.
"She's not so well Connie and that's why I'm here. I'm going to have to bug out for a while. I need to be there for her, but I'm sure if I spoke to Ranger, RangeMan would help out with my skips."
Lula made a grunting noise mid doughnut.
"And there's Lula of course," added Steph with a smile.
Before she could continue, Vinnie stormed out of his office.
"Oh, there you are? Eating doughnuts with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum rather than actually bringing in some skips. In case you hadn't realised this place makes it's money on the skips you bring in, so you can forget about being Florence Nightingale and get out there and do your job, while you still have one," he shouted, coming towards Steph, arms flailing.
All the bottled emotion Stephanie was feeling flashed through her in an uncontrollable rush. In one smooth and swift move, she grabbed a jelly filled doughnut from the box, smooshed it in Vinne's weasly face and took his legs out from under him so he ended up flat on his back with her knee in his chest.
"My grandmother is terminally ill in a hospice, you piece or crap. If you think this job means anything compared with that then you are seriously mistaken. In fact you can take your job and shove it where the ducks don't shine!"
She stood up and strode towards the door, Vinnie still on the floor spitting up doughnut, Connie and Lula looking at the scene in front of them open mouthed. At the door Steph turned and took one last look at Vinnie.
"Connie, make sure Lucille gets to hear about her husband's attitude will you please? Harry's mom, her grandma, passed in St Luke's about three years ago. I'm sure they'll both want to know how Vinnie supported a family member who happens to be his only bounty hunter."
She walked through the door to the sound of Vinnie choking and her girls laughing. As she walked to her car her cell rang. The Batman Theme. She flipped it open.
"Nice work. Proud of your Babe."
She always did forget that RangeMan monitored Vinnie's security.
ooOoo
Steph had gone back to her apartment, packed a bag of essentials, scooped up Rex and his essentials and dropped him on seven before driving back to the St Luke's. She had called ahead and had spoken to June who had in turn booked her one of the Family Rooms. She had settled in and gone to sit with Edna, who was dozing on and off. She was trying very hard to keep herself together as it was clear that her grandma was deteriorating fast. She couldn't wait until Ranger got here. A soft knock on the door was a welcome respite from her thoughts. She looked up in surprise. There stood Connie, Lula – and Sally Sweet.
"Hey guys, good to see you – a surprise but a good one. Come in," she said once she shook off the shock.
"Hey Steph. The girls told me about Edna and I'd, you know, thought it'd be good to come and see her – if that's okay"
"Sure it is," came Edna's raspy voice.
Steph quickly got up and helped Edna take some water and rearranged her pillows. Within minutes Steph could see the light in her grandma's eyes as she talked to her friends. The sight of it formed a large lump in her throat, especially seeing Lula – who could find 'cooties' in any thing.
The visitors didn't end there either. About ten minutes after Connie, Lula and Sally had left, Carl and Big Dog had shown up saying that they were patrolling in the area and so stopped by, but Steph knew better. They only stayed a few minutes but sure enough not long after they left, Eddie and Joe turned up. It was good to see them especially when Joe slipped her a meatball sub and a Tasty Pastry bag.
Steph left them all laughing as she went and tried to eat the meatball sub. She new she wouldn't be able to manage it and so cut it into quarters hoping at least to get one of them down her. She saw Lucy, one of the nurses watching her and she knew the look of longing she saw on her face. It would have been on hers a few months ago. Smiling she nudged it towards her and Lucy beamed as she came over to take a piece, thanking her as she went back to the monitor desk.
"I never thought I'd see the day when Stephanie Plum gave a meatball sub away," joked Joe.
Steph looked up, alarm immediately coming across her face. Joe held up his hand.
"Eddie's with her – she's enjoying hearing a very off colour story that's getting taller with every telling about an arrest the uniforms assisted vice on – trust me you don't want to know."
Steph smiled.
"Thanks for coming Joe. I really appreciate it – and I know she does. But how.."
"You've heard of Batman and Robin? Well, in your case you have Batman and Bobby."
Steph couldn't help herself and laughed out loud. It was an image that she wasn't sure she'd ever quite shake. Joe smiled and continued with his explanation.
"You know how the Burg works. People talk, nothing's a secret. But I have to say that when RangeMan are involved it's all suddenly very civilised."
Steph looked at him, clearly not understanding. Joe smiled and shook his head.
"Steph, Ranger didn't want you or the family upset by the gossip, so he set it up – with Mary Lou and Celia at Clip'n'Curl as co conspirators – to only release the information that was of anyone's business. ML released the information at Giovinchinni's and Celia through the haridresser's. How he did it I have no idea but hats off to the guy. Why do you think your cell hasn't been ringing off the hook and you haven't had a parade going through this place? He and I may never be friends, but at least I know that he really loves you Steph."
She leaned back in her seat reeling. She hadn't a clue. It never occurred to her that usually the entire Burg would be here trying to get some juicy fact to spread around. A thought hit her.
"And Bobby? You mentioned Bobby."
"Ah yes, Mr Brown. After you left the Bonds Office earlier, Connie called Ranger to see if you were alright. I heard you left quite upset. Her and Lula had decided they wanted to see Edna and Connie mentioned this to Ranger. Apparently he didn't say anything but within thirty seconds of him putting the 'phone down Bobby called telling them what time to arrive and how long they could stay. Eddie told me what you did to Vinnie and he must have said something that got back to Big Dog and Carl who called Eddie who called me."
"So Bobby arranged the times and everything so grandma wouldn't over do it."
Joe nodded. "I'm surprised you aren't pissed at him, taking over like that."
Steph shook her head. She understood why he would think that.
"Once upon a time yes, I would have. But now? How can I be mad at someone who is only looking out for me and grandma's best interests?"
Joe looked at her for a couple of beats then stood and kissed her gently on the forehead.
She followed him back to Edna's room where she was clearly tired but in the best way, a wicked twinkle in her eye. The men said their goodbyes and Edna fell asleep almost immediately. Not long after, Ranger arrived. She hugged him tightly, taking him a little by surprise.
"You're a good man Carlos Manoso."
ooOoo
The next day Steph was glad when her parents arrived. She had told Carlos all about the evening and how happy it had made her grandma. He had looked at her and had suggested something that had rocked her to the core with happiness. Now she had to prepare for it – and quickly.
She flung her car into a parking space – still no parking Karma – and did the quickest shop of her life, finding exactly what she needed. They only had a short window of time to do this as Edna was getting weaker and needing to sleep longer every day.
She got back to St Luke's just as the sun was setting and after waving her parents off, headed up to the Family Room to get ready.
Edna was surprised but thrilled to see both Anne and June come in to her room, especially as they had a wheelchair with them.
"Hi Edna. We have a little surprise for you. Feel like a little road trip?" asked Anne, a small smile crossing her face.
"What are you two up to?"
"Come see for yourself," replied June giving nothing away.
They helped Edna into the wheelchair and took her down the corridor and through a set of double wooden doors. Edna gasped at the beautiful sight before her. The chapel had been filled with tea lights and candles giving it a gorgeous mellow glow. The larger cathedral candles had been placed by the stained glass window and along with the low lights of the room, gave it a beautiful, ethereal feel. At the front stood Stephie and Carlos. She was in a lovely blue dress that matched her eyes and he in black dress trousers and crisp, white shirt.
Anne wheeled Edna towards them and squeezed her shoulder gently. Edna heard both her and June quietly leave the room.
Steph walked towards her and crouched down to face her.
"Grandma, you know that Carlos and I, we're not ready to marry and maybe never will be. But I wanted – no we wanted – to do something to show you that we love each other and that we are committed…"
Edna looked up at the two young people and smiled, a genuine smile for the wonderful gift they were giving her. She nodded but could say nothing.
Steph smiled back and went to Carlos so that she was facing him and in front of her grandmother and God committed herself to the love of her life, promising to never run from him in any way, to support him, to take responsibility for her side of the relationship, to be a partner to him and to love him forever – however long that was.
Then it was Carlos' turn. He committed himself to protecting and listening to her, to being her strength and biggest supporter, to never running away from her, to letting her be who she was meant to be without fear or censure, to be her partner and to love her forever – however long that was.
As Edna listened to the heartfelt vows and looked at the beautiful couple in front of her she felt an incredible peace come over her. And for the first time, let the tears fall. They fell for the pony rides, ballet recitals, graduations and marriages of MA, Angie and Lisa that she would never see, the great, great grand children she would never meet – and for the blessings that she had been given. But most of all they fell for the love that these two hurt and private people in front of her had for each other and the love, solace and refuge that they had found in each other that was putting the broken pieces of them back together. That they were sharing it with her was the most precious of gifts.
Edna wiped her tears and kissed her Stephie and Carlos. Her heart was at peace, her soul satisfied and at rest. It was time.
ooOoo
Carlos arrived back at St Luke's by nine the next morning. He had stayed overnight with Steph but had headed back to Haywood for his morning work out and to check in with Tank at his usual time. As soon as Steph's ring tone chimed, he knew something was wrong. Tank had heard the 'phone ring, taken one look at Ranger's face and motioned him to go. Ranger had already hit the stairs as he answered.
Steph met him in the hallway, June with her, a comforting hand on her shoulder. As soon as she saw Carlos she moved discreetly away. He held Steph's face gently in his hands.
"She's taken a turn for the worse. She wouldn't wake up this morning and her breathing began to be a bit labored. I….I asked them to give her the morphine."
She sunk her head into his chest as if ashamed. He gently lifted if back up again.
"You did the right thing Babe. Put yourself in her shoes. Isn't that what you would want, what you agreed?"
Steph sniffed and took a big breath. She nodded slowly. He waited silently, seeing her trying to form her words.
"Carlos, I'm so scared. I don't know if I can do this."
"I know, and it's hard. But we always knew it would be. Listen to me Babe because this is may sound strange, but being with someone when they die is one of the biggest privileges you will ever have. To be the one who holds their hand, confirms they were loved, let's them know they will be remembered – do you realise how amazing that is? Steph, I've been with grown men, hardened soldiers when they die. Do they ask for their CO, or guy in the next bunk? No, they want their mamma, their girl, their brother – the people who love them. It's not easy, but it's the last act of love you can give her Babe. And you are strong enough – you're her."
Steph looked at him in wonder. What had she done to deserve this amazing man?
Pulling herself up, she held Carlos's hand for support and went back into the room.
By noon, Val, Frank and Helen had all arrived. Anne was there too and had been very gentle in suggesting a walk around the grounds, a quick bite to eat, or a stroll up to the Day Room for a coffee. Steph had seen Carlos quietly go out and she suspected he was getting information from both Anne and Dr Olsen who had also popped in.
By four o'clock, Bobby had also arrived with Lester and Manny in tow. They refused to come in, saying that this was a family time but Steph had gone out to see them, to thank them for their show of support. They all gave her a hug as they left and Carlos one of their complicated man shake things. That always made Steph smile.
By six Edna's breathing was even but heavy. Coupled with the mood in the room the atmosphere was becoming charged. There was nothing anyone could say. Carlos could see that Steph was near the edge and so very gently insisted that she take a walk with him. Fall was around the corner and the air was getting a slight 'nip' in it. The cool air was welcome,a sharp contrast to the oppressive feel of the room. As the breeze blew the most beautiful, light scent of the Star Magnolia wafted over Steph. She took it in, enjoying the calm that it brought her.
She walked around the garden a few times, arm in arm with Carlos, drawing strength from him, praying that it wouldn't be too long now. Strangely she didn't feel bad about it; there was nothing more to be done.
Going back in to the room Steph immediately felt the benefit of the break and so encouraged Val and her parents to do the same. They reluctantly agreed once she promised that she would call the second anything changed. Anne had supported Steph and said that she too would stay until they were all back.
At eight, Anne had come back and said that the chef had laid some coffee and cake out for them. She insisted they needed to eat something and promised she would stay with Edna. They all agreed, Val needing to call Albert, Frank and Helen to gather the refreshments and Steph just to get out of the room, something she suspected they all needed. Carlos rubbed her back as Helen poured the coffee. Val had been back with them for only seconds when Lucy appeared.
"Anne asked me to come and get you. You need to go back - now."
They exchanged looks as they quickly went back to Edna.
"Her breathing has changed. It's almost time," said Anne quietly.
She stepped back but whispered to Carlos, "A member of the medical staff has to stay at this point. We have to confirm…."
He nodded his understanding to her.
"I'm sure the family would like it if you would stay, if you can."
Anne nodded and stepped back.
Stephanie, Helen and Val went to the bed. Steph knelt down and took one hand, Val mirrored her on the other side and Helen sat on the bed touching her mother's arm. She leaned forward.
"Mother, I haven't forgotten the promise. I promise okay? You are a good woman. Thank you for what you did. I love you." She kissed her mother's forehead
Val took a deep breath.
"We're going to miss you grandma, all of us, but especially the girls. We all love you.." She broke down trying to stifle the sobs.
Steph took a long look at the woman who meant so much to her. She felt Carlos' hand on her shoulder and recalled his words from earlier. This was indeed a privilege. She leaned forward.
"Thank you for everything grandma. You know I love you, I know you do. You've always told me to fly. Now it's your turn. You fly grandma."
Sinking back to her knees Steph kissed her grandma's hand for one last time.
A few moments later, Anne stepped slowly forward. She checked Edna and said what they all knew.
"She's gone."
A/N: The reviews I've been getting are absolutely inspiring and not a little humbling. So many of you have been through this and I appreciate so much the stories you have been sharing with me. I hope some of you can see your inspiration in the piece. May I say to the Guest reviewers, a huge thank you too. Obviously I can't get back to you in person, but please know that you're comments and observations have made me look at what I'm writing and given me some other perspectives. These two chapters especially, have been difficult and yet wonderful to write. The Hospice system that I was lucky enough to experience was as described, no sugar coating or rose coloured specs. I will always be grateful to the love and support they showed my family and the care and dignity that they showed my dad.