Grief

She hadn't left his side in almost a week.

After the small service for her mother, Anders planned on staying home with her for a few days, but it quickly became clear that wasn't the best idea. Olivia was restless, and too many things in the estate reminded her of Leandra.

So Anders took her down to the clinic, and they spent a few days there. The normalcy of it kept her a bit more grounded, and the patients were a welcome distraction from the empty home they returned to every night. Until they couldn't save someone.

It was Leandra's death all over again, and she completely broke down, hysterically sobbing and wailing until he was able to calm her down. It was only the second time he'd seen her cry, and it was painful to see her in such a state. Anders hated to see her suffer—she didn't deserve it, she was such a good, caring person—and he wished he could take all of her pain away. He couldn't change what had happened, but he was determined to be there for her for as long as she needed him. It was the least he could do.

They stayed away from the clinic since the incident, instead taking on the odd jobs she always seemed to attract. The two of them and their friends hopped all over Kirkwall and its surrounding area, cave crawling, exterminating gangs, and helping those in need. Their friends tried to get Olivia to talk and laugh, and she tried to enjoy their banter, but couldn't. The only time she seemed like her usual self was when they got into a fight.

Anders knew she loved battle. It was when she could really let loose and use her magic, and she always had a wicked grin on her face as she unleashed destruction on their enemies. He always kept a watchful eye on her since she had a habit of getting up close and personal with her opponents' weapons, and he watched her even closer now. She lacked the battle-grin, but she was just as reckless as she always was, if not more.

Olivia fought with wild abandon, throwing herself into every spell and attack. She was angrier, and as a result her magic was stronger, but less controlled. She successfully killed their enemies, but she destroyed everything around her as she did it. Anders didn't lecture her on being more careful, because he could see it was her way of letting her feelings out. He just made sure he had extra healing potions handy and prayed to the Maker that she didn't get herself seriously injured in the process.

For once, the Maker was listening, because he was able to heal all the wounds she incurred over those few days—the physical ones, at least. Her mental and emotional state was still a matter of concern, though she seemed to be headed in the right direction. Or so he thought.

"Do you ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?" she asked one night, as they lie in bed. He tightened his grip on her, trying to formulate an answer to her question. He'd thought about such things more than once, especially after almost losing control and killing that mage girl, Ella—but Olivia was always there for him when his thoughts turned down that road. Anders opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "It should have been me," she whispered, pulling her face out of the crook of his neck to meet his gaze.

"Your mother?"

Olivia shook her head. "The ogre," she clarified. "Bethany never should have tried to kill it.I'm the one who's good at killing things, not her, but she did it anyway. I should have died, not her. And it should have been me who got the taint in the Deep Roads, not Carver." She huffed, fingers curling into his shirt as she held back tears. "I should have been there in time to save Mother, too. It's all my fault. If it had been me, they'd all still be alive."

"If it had been you, then you'd be dead," Anders murmured.

"But they'd be alive," she breathed.

He shifted closer to her so their foreheads were touching as they lay on the pillows, his fingers coming up to tuck her hair behind her ear before gently stroking her face. "Listen to me, love," he started, his gaze boring into hers. "There was nothing you could do to save Bethany. She made her own choice to go after the ogre. The same with Carver. He knew the risks the Deep Roads posed and he chose to come anyway."

"I could have stopped them, I could have—"

"There was nothing you could do, Liv."

"But I could have done something for Mother! I was so close, I just needed more time!" she protested, her lower lip trembling.

Anders sighed, his brows knitting together. She still blamed herself for what happened to Carver, and for Bethany and Leandra's deaths. He understood completely; he'd been too late to save Karl. "You can't save everyone. No matter how hard you try, you can't," he said softly.

"It's not fair," she whispered, holding back tears.

"No, it's not," he replied. "I know nothing I say will change it. I just… I'm sorry." He fumbled for words, for something to say that would help. "You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades, that's what will matter. The happy memories."

Olivia nodded, sniffling. "The happy memories…"

"Your mother would want you to focus on that."

"But it still hurts so much," she muttered.

"I know, love," he said, pulling her into a hug. She buried her face back into the crook of his neck, clutching onto him as she cried. "I know."

He held her shaking form against his own, comforting her as best he could until she calmed down, falling asleep against him. He gently drew her head back, wiping away the wet trails her tears had left on her cheeks. She grimaced in her sleep, her freckled nose crinkling in the most adorable way, bringing a small smile to his lips.

Anders pressed a kiss to her forehead before returning her head to its previous position, cradling it against him. Olivia let out a deep breath, burrowing closer to him, and he tightened his grip on her, holding her close. He sighed, closing his own eyes as sleep started to take him, his own losses haunting his thoughts.

Neither of them slept through the night.