A/N: OK, somewhat later than I planned here is Chapter 3! There are possibly another couple of Chapters after this.
Obviously, I own nothing, just having fun with these wonderful characters!
A Guilty Thing Surprised Chapter 3
Rachel came to slowly, feeling cold and stiff. She groaned as she tried to move, realising she must have fallen asleep on the couch fully clothed. Glancing at her phone, she saw the time was 5am.
Aargh, she thought. What have I done now?
As she sat up, memories of last night, and Gill flooded into her brain. She felt the unmistakable feeling of desire and arousal, as she remembered how Gill had felt against her, before the feelings of regret caught up with her.
Jesus, Bailey! What the fuck is wrong with you! Coming onto your boss; Godzilla, no less!
Rachel stood unsteadily as a wave of nausea came over her, as she made her way to the bathroom. Stripping out of her crumpled clothes, she started the shower. Stepping under the spray when it had reached the desired temperature, she let the shower wash away her aches from sleeping on the sofa.
If only I could wash away the heartache so easily, she thought.
Rachel turned off the shower, wrapped herself in a towel, and padded barefoot to her bedroom. Allowing the towel to fall to the floor, she fell into bed naked.
She awoke sometime later, as sunlight streamed into her room. Rachel tentatively opened her eyes and then closed them as she realised her head was pounding. Cautiously she sidled out of bed, pulled on a robe, and shuffled to the kitchen, finding some paracetamol in her handbag along the way. She turned on the tap and winced as the water made loud splashing sound against the sink. She filled a glass and drank it down, swallowing the paracetamol.
Settling on the sofa, she leant her head back, and hear her text alert go off. She rummaged in her handbag for her phone, smiling as she realised that it was from Janet.
How's your head? xx It read.
Squinting at her phone, Rachel started replying.
Hurting! Serves me right! Ring me when you're free to talk, xx
A few moments later, Rachel's phone buzzed in her hand and she answered it, greeted by the cheery tones of Janet Scott.
"Uggh. How can you sound so cheery at this time of the morning?" Rachel demanded of her best friend.
"It's after ten!" Janet countered. "Anyway, as I only had on glass of wine yesterday, I am full of the joys of Spring!"
"Great! Just what I need; a reformed alcoholic preaching at me!"
Janet laughed. "Ha, ha! As if. I just chose not to drink last night, that's all."
"Probably very wise," Rachel said, as she burst into tears.
"Oh Rach, don't cry! Do you want me to come over?"
"Would you?" Rachel sniffed.
"Of course!"
Rachel decided she had better get dressed as she was expecting company. Pulling on some sweat pants and a t-shirt she scraped her hair high on her head, securing it in a ponytail. As she winced at the tenderness of her head, she made a slice of toast and forced herself to eat it. She felt shaky and wobbly and knew her blood sugar was probably in her boots.
Why the Fuck, do I have to drink so much?! And why can't I behave like an adult?
Rachel had just sat on the sofa with a cup of tea, when the doorbell rang, signalling Janet's arrival. Rising carefully as she felt another wave of nausea, Rachel went to answer it, opening the door to Janet and standing aside to admit her best friend. Rachel took in Janet's breezy appearance, and not for the first time thought about becoming tee total.
Janet quickly gathered her friend in a hug. Her heart went out to Rachel as she squeezed her tight, rubbing the younger woman's back in comforting circles.
Rachel felt the emotion of the last few days wash over her as the tears began to flow, and this time there was no stopping them. It was all mixed up. How much she had missed Janet, the possibility that they could have lost Gill, the breakup of her marriage to Sean, her stupidity at her fling with Kevin, but mostly the feelings that she had for Gill. The dizzying, amazing, terrifying feelings that made her stomach flip and her heart ache so badly.
"Oh, Jan!" Rachel sobbed. "Everything is such a mess!"
Janet led Rachel over to the settee, and sat them both down, and Rachel felt herself gathered up once again in Janet Scott's motherly arms.
Finally Rachel lifted her head and sniffed, looking at Janet.
"I must look like a right fool!" Janet handed her some tissues out of her handbag, ever prepared.
"No worse than usual!" Janet quipped.
"Hey, Cheeky!" Rachel replied, but it brought a smile to her face, all the same.
"D'ya wanna talk about it?" Janet said, after a few moments silence.
"Dunno, do I?" Rachel said, more to herself than Janet.
"Rachel," Janet began, raising her hand when Rachel tried to interrupt. "Look, I'm sorry I've not been there for you when you were clearly going through such a tough time."
"No, it's me who should be apologising, for fucking up our friendship, like everything else in my life. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just...mess everything up that I care about!"
"Hey, listen, we all do stupid things from time to time. Some more than others, I'll grant you, but we're all stupid some of the time! What's bothering you the most?"
"I just seem to upset the people I love, you, Sean, Alison...Gill..." Rachel trailed off biting her bottom lip as she looked at the hands she was wringing in her lap. "I don't want to, I just can't seem to help it!"
"What happened between you and Gill, last night?" Janet asked, gently. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Rachel, but it might help to talk."
"I know." Rachel said, as she continued wringing her hands. "The truth is I don't know what, I mean..."
Rachel buried her head in her hands, then looked up at Janet, her eyes glistening with tears, as she whispered.
"I think, I think... I'm in love with her..."
Oh, shit, have I just said that out loud? Rachel buried her head in her hands again and started sobbing quietly.
Janet's heart went out to Rachel as she gently took Rachel's hands in her own and looked at her friend.
"Oh, Rachel! How long has this been going on?"
"I don't know...You know...you know how I've always respected her, and looked up to her..."
"And wanted to be like her, when you grew up?" Janet interjected.
"It just sorta grew, I guess..." Rachel looked helplessly at Janet. "and now, I'll just forget it!"
"What, why? Just like that?" Janet questioned.
"Well, because it's obvious really isn't it? It can't go any where!"
"I can think of many, many reasons why this is inappropriate." Gill's words rattled round Rachel's head. That meant she didn't want to pursue this...whatever this was, between them.
"Rachel, why didn't you tell me how you felt before?" Janet asked gently.
Rachel extricated herself from Janet, and started pacing her living room floor.
"Because, it's madness! Nothing can come of it. I never thought she would...and she wouldn't if it hadn't been for...well you know, the abduction. It's just not going to happen, she's my boss, and anyway she's straight!"
"Maybe...up until yesterday I'd have said that you were straight, too!" Janet said. "You hid that well."
"It's just easier..to do what's, what's expected that's all." Rachel tried to explain.
Janet looked at Rachel, assessing her best friend. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?"
"I suppose you get used to hiding...I can't explain really, just that it's easier, and it's not as if I hate guys, and I never had any trouble attracting them!"
No you're practically beating them off with a stick, or not as the case may be! Janet thought.
"Have you told anyone?" Janet asked, trying not to look upset.
"NO! Well, I did sorta have a drunken conversation with Annie, once." Rachel said, sheepishly. "Oh God, Jan, I'm sorry...I didn't mean...not about Gill...in general, I mean."
Rachel looked wretched, and Janet couldn't find it on her heart to feel bad that Rachel hadn't confided in her, but the partner of a colleague.
"Not Julie?" Janet asked, not really sure why she wouldn't have confided in Julie, if she were looking for someone who would understand.
Rachel looked at Janet, as if she had grown two heads. "Are you mad?! Julie's way too scary, and anyway, she might have mentioned something to Gill! As it is I'm pretty sure Annie mentioned it to Julie. Sometimes, I just catch her looking at me, as though she knows..."
Janet laughed. "You, pal, are paranoid!"
"Just cos you're paranoid..."
"...it doesn't mean they're not out to get you!" They both chorused together.
"Julie's not scary, when you get to know her. Surely you've not been swayed by Kevin's tales of 'The Bitch from the Black Lagoon'?"
"Well, she's never arrested you for murder!" Rachel said.
"Technically...she didn't arrest you..."
"Now you're splitting hairs!"
"And you're changing the subject!" Janet said. "How do you feel about Gill and what happened last night?"
Rachel looked at Janet. She desperately wanted to explain, but she wasn't sure she could find the words.
"I don't know where to start, Jan!" Rachel looked so lost, Janet wanted to sweep her up and take all her pain away. "I just...I feel...It's been going on a while now; I tried to ignore it. I mean what can come of it? I just thought I'd bury it and it would go away, but it keeps rearing it's head, and refusing to go away! And then, when I thought I'd lo..lost her, I just..." Rachel was unable to continue.
Janet stood and pulled Rachel back to sit on the settee, holding her friend, waiting until she continued.
"I couldn't hold it back and I just started crying, like a baby, and Gill...Gill..." Rachel paused, staring into the distance, a half smile playing about her lips. "Gill, just seemed to understand...and I kissed her to say thank you, but it...it turned into something more..."
Rachel had a wistful, longing look on her face that Janet had never seen before.
Oh my God; she's serious! She really does love her. Janet realised, feeling for her best friend.
Rachel continued. "It was amazing, Jan! So passionate, and..and.." Rachel closed her eyes and remembered the feelings that she had felt as the kiss progressed. "And then, then she said. 'I can think of many, many reasons why this is inappropriate.' "
Janet squeezed Rachel's hand, and tried to be reassuring.
"Look she probably just panicked and thought she should just be professional with you, maybe she thought she was taking advantage of you, and that was inappropriate?"
Janet was at a loss, as to Gill's behaviour. She had never known Gill not to relish a challenge and she was never one to listen to gossip, or worry unduly about what other people said about her.
"How can I ever face her again?" Rachel asked.
"You can and you will. You'll get through this, however it turns out."
"However it turns out? There's only one way I can see. Godzilla will give me an extra hard time, and all the shitty jobs, or she'll kick me back to division!" Rachel said, thinking if she thought of Gill as Godzilla, it might hurt a little less.
"Now you really are being paranoid!" Janet said. "When have you known Gill be anything other than professional. She'll not hold it against you. I know. It will be a little awkward for a while, but it will pass."
"I wish I could stop feeling this way!" Rachel sighed. "But I can't. Every time I think about her I just..." Rachel trailed off again.
"Right," Janet said. "I know what you need. Lunch, and some retail therapy! Get changed, and we'll go shopping. Do you fancy the Trafford Centre?"
"Why not." Rachel said, smiling. "Distraction is good!"
Rachel rose from the settee and went off to change. Janet tried not to think too hard about how all this would end. She wondered what Gill was thinking, and wondered if she should call her. She wondered if Gill had confided in Julie. She was pretty sure she had seen Julie arriving, just as they had left last night. Maybe she should call Julie. While she was pondering the question, Rachel appeared, having applied some make-up and changed into a rather appealing dress.
"Right, we off then?" Rachel asked, grabbing her handbag, and house keys. "You all right to drive? I don't feel up to it."
"Sure, come on!"
The two friends exited Rachel's flat arm in arm, into the early afternoon sunshine, as Rachel decided to try to forget about Gill for the afternoon.