Plans for the Future - Part 1

Just a few things to note:
• Olivia helped Anders blow up the Chantry
• They found out she was pregnant shortly after they fled Kirkwall, but a few months later she miscarried.
• After the miscarriage she snaps (it was the last straw after everything that happened in Kirkwall), and consumed by rage she and Anders focused on helping mages throughout Thedas, so they wouldn't have to experience what they went through. Over time their relationship suffers because of this and the fact that they've changed as people. The only time they're ever really intimate with each other is at night when they comfort each other from their nightmares, and that's mostly because they're just so used to that. Their relationship isn't the healthiest, and although deep down they still love each other, they're mostly still together because they need each other and they don't know anything else.
• A pride demon has been taunting Liv ever since the miscarriage.
• This takes place roughly three years after they flee Kirkwall, about a year before the start of Inquisition.

Not now… Not now, not now, not now…

Olivia bit back the surge of nausea rising inside her as she pulled the bladed end of her staff out of the now-dead Templar before her. Whirling around quickly, she paused a moment, before she ended up heaving right then and there, and sent out a pulse of force magic to keep the remaining Templars away from her until the nausea passed. As soon as it was gone she continued to fight her enemies with everything she had, annihilating the remaining foes with the help of Anders and the other rebel mages fighting along with them.

Anders barely told the mages that they were safe for the moment when the urge to retch arrived again, stronger and more potent than the last wave of nausea that hit her. She managed to hold it off until after Anders pointed the mages towards a safe haven, but as soon as they were gone, she hunched over, spewing up the little she'd eaten that day. Anders was beside her a second later, brushing the loose strands of her hair out of her face as he rubbed her back.

When it passed, she wiped her mouth and took a swig from her canteen, rinsing the sour taste from her mouth. Taking her face in his hands, Anders gently stroked her cheeks with his thumbs as he studied her.

"I think you may have gotten hit on the head harder than I thought the other day," he murmured, shifting into healer mode. "You may have a concussion."

"It's not a concussion," Olivia replied, waving his hands away, the intimacy of it overwhelming her.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I've been nauseous for more than a few days," she barked, turning her back on him. He stepped in front of her, brows furrowed in confusion as he looked her over.

"For how long?" he asked, eyes boring into hers, determined to get to the bottom of what plauged her. She could see where the conversation was heading and hesitated, not wanting to go down that road. "Liv, how long?"

Sighing, Olivia sat on a nearby boulder, Anders doing the same beside her. "A week or two… maybe longer, I'm not sure." When she met his gaze, she saw him turning over ideas in his head, and she looked away, blindly staring at the dead Templars just a few feet away. She swallowed hard, preparing to share what she'd been keeping to herself for weeks—something that would change everything. "I haven't… I haven't bled… I missed it last month. I'll probably miss it this month, too."

Anders gasped, the sharp intake of breath a stark contrast to the silence that settled between them. Olivia couldn't bring herself to look at him, unsure of how he would react to her news. The last time there was excitement and happiness along with their shock, but now… she doubted there would be anything but shock.

"You're pregnant," he breathed, the words a barely audible whisper. She finally looked at him and he was staring at her stomach, his hands twitching at his side. He managed to tear his gaze from her abdomen, a dazed look on his face, and she nodded slowly.

"I think so."

His eyes dropped down again and he lifted his hand, reaching for her until he stopped himself, unsure. "May I?" he asked, his voice cracking, and she simply lifted and moved aside her armor and clothes, revealing the bare skin of her stomach.

His hand was warm and his touch gentle as his fingers splayed over her abdomen, brushing over various faint scars. She felt the familiar tingle of his magic reaching within her as tendrils of blue light left his fingertips, and she held her breath as she waited for him to confirm what she already knew was true.

Anders released a shaky breath, his mouth hanging open as he sustained the spell, and that was all the confirmation she needed.

She was pregnant. They were going to have a baby.

For a brief moment, she almost allowed herself to feel a tiny sliver of happiness before horrid memories rushed to the forefront of her mind—the last time Anders did that to her he felt nothing. She didn't notice when he pulled his hand away, lost in a memory from years ago, reliving the blood and pain and loss that still haunted her.

Bolting up from the boulder, she wrapped her arms around herself, a knot forming in her throat as she panted, her breaths coming in uneven gasps. "This is bad, Anders," she began, trying to formulate her jumbled thoughts into a coherent sentence. Sweat prickled on her forehead, and she wiped it away with a shaky hand before she met his gaze, wide eyes on his as he stood up as well, slowly approaching her, reaching for her. "How could we—I—be so careless after… I can't so this again. I can't."

Anders stopped moving towards her, his lips pressed together, arms dropping to his side. "You don't… you don't want to keep the baby?" he whispered, barely able to get the words out.

Immediately, Olivia stepped back, her hand unconsciously drifting to rest over her stomach. "No, I just… I can't lose another one." She clenched her jaw, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment to try and calm herself down and focus, but it was no use, the fear of what would happen next causing her entire body to tense. "With with the life we live, on the run, fighting for our lives… it's no place for a child."

He stared at her, mouth opening and closing as he struggled to find a solution, but there wasn't one, and she already knew that. "We'll have to find someplace to settle down, keep you and the baby safe until—"

"And what? Give up the cause of mages to sit around and wait for this baby to come? We're just going to abandon everything we've worked for? After everything we've sacrificed?"

"We were going to before," he shot back, and she huffed, shaking her head.

"That was three years ago, Anders. Back then we still had a chance." Olivia stepped towards him, his gaze flicking down to her abdomen before returning to hers, a hopeless look in his tired eyes. She hated the sorrow and misery he exuded, but she needed to understand that the baby—their baby—had no chance. "Even if we could manage to settle down, our baby would still be doomed," she stated. "We're not the same people we once were. We're murderers, killers… so much innocent blood is on our hands."

Anders tried to speak, but her bark of desperate laughter cuts him off as she catches a glimpse of the dead Templars beside them. "I'm a monster," she continued, practically sneering at the bodies, recalling how she mercilessly tore them apart like they were nothing, the same way she fought all her foes. Her eyes land on the lifeless gaze of one of the fallen men, and she felt nothing but contempt—no remorse or sympathy, just hatred. "I take joy in watching the light leave my enemies' eyes when they die, I relish in it. I live to make them bleed and hurt and suffer…

"That demon whispers in my ear, taunting me, baiting me, every chance it gets, and every single time I hear it I consider accepting it's offer," she continued, shame tampering down the simmering rage that was boiling within her. Her cheeks burned as she glanced back to Anders, the distressed look in his eyes almost causing her to look away again. "It would be so easy to give in and wield the power it offers to cut down anyone who has ever wronged us and anyone that ever will—to make them feel pain like they've never felt before. I know it's wrong to make deals with demon, but Maker, I want to, if only to see our enemies suffer.

"And the worst part? I tell myself that it's all for a good cause, for mages to finally be free… when all it really is is vengeance." Olivia held his gaze, her chest heaving as they silently stared at each other, until she dropped her eyes to the cround, unable to stand the wide-eyed look he was giving her. "I can't be a mother, Anders," she whispered, her voice unsteady, "not when I've turned into this."

She heard him move, felt his hands reaching for hers a second later, and flinched at the sudden contact, pulling her hands back.

"Liv, please," he breathed, stepping up to her. She met his eyes, surprised to see there was no disappointment or resentment in them for what she admitted. Instead, there was understanding, sadness, and regret. Furrowing her brows, she let him take her hands when he reached for them again, his thumb gently rubbing over her palms—to soothe her or him, she didn't know. "I never should have let you help me," he murmured, and she understood what he meant; he blamed himself for what she's become.

"We dealt with this years ago," she protested, giving his hands a squeeze. "I made the decision to help you with the Chantry. We were at war, we are at war, and it needed to be done."

"At what cost?" Anders shouted, pulling his hands from hers, running them through his hair before gesturing to her. "Look at you, Liv… look at us. I was ready to accept my fate. Justice and I were ready to do what was necessary, but you?" He swallowed hard, shooting her a pained stare. "I was supposed to keep you safe. You were never supposed to be a part of this, and now look at what I've done to you."

"Anders, the only thing you ever did to me was love me," she sighed. "After everything we'd seen in Kirkwall, everything I lost there… losing our baby… I was headed down this path long before I chose to help you. Without you, I probably would have ended up here—or somewhere even worse—sooner." Olivia paused, forcing herself to take a step closer to him. She lifted her hand to his face, hesitating before finally resting it on his cheek, his stubble rough against her skin. "Things between us… things are different now, they have been for a long time, but… I still love you. That's never changed."

Anders huffed, a slow smile spreading across his face as he placed his hand over hers, tears welling in the corners of his eyes. Before she could ask what was wrong, he spoke. "That's the first time you've said that in years," he choked out.

Olivia blinked rapidly, processing the information, guilt settling in the pit of her stomach as she realized what that meant. She used to always tell Anders that she loved him, to reaffirm her feelings and chase away any doubt he could ever have… but she hadn't said it in years. Her stomach churned, her chest tightening at how he must have felt.

"I didn't mean…" she muttered, swallowing hard. "I'm so so sorry if I made you doubt that."

"It's fine, love."

"No. it's not!" she snapped, pulling away from him, heat rising in her cheeks. "I can't lose you, Anders, you're all I have left. I could have driven you away!"

"I was never going to abandon you," he replied, taking her hand again and bringing it to his chest, over his heart. "I could never leave you, not when you've stood by me through so much." Anders leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers, his gaze locked on hers. She stared back at him as he nuzzled her face, his breath tickling her lips.

They had been physically close the past few years, sleeping next to each other and cuddling close for warmth or comfort from nightmares, but this… this was different. She couldn't remember the last time they were emotionally intimate as they were in that moment. But now that she was experiencing it again, she could feel just how she starved for such a closeness in the recent years.

"I never stopped loving you, Liv," Anders breathed, his confession stirring something inside her, awakening her dead heart. She mustered up a small smile in return, unable to get any words out past the knot forming in her throat. He pulled her into a hug and they clung to each other desperately, both eager to get as close to the other as they could.

It almost felt like it did before.

Pulling back slightly, Anders rested his hand on her stomach, bringing her back to the present. Just because they hugged and had an actual conversation with real emotions involved, didn't mean things were back to normal. She was still pregnant, they were both still broken, and they had nowhere safe to go.

"What are we going to do?" she asked quietly. "We can't raise a baby like this."

He let out a deep breath, shaking his head. "I don't know," he answered, gently tugging her closer. She let him pull her into his arms once again, trying—and failing—to take comfort in his embrace. "We'll figure something out, we have to."

She didn't know if they ever would.