a/n: hey guys I hope you are enjoying the story so far. Thank you to all those who reviewed and I ask that you continue. The reviews let me know the story is like and is worth continuing. Sorry for all the error's in advance

It's been five days ten hours fifteen minutes and five seconds...six seconds since that night in La Push. I've been holed up in my room ever since. It was like there was a shift in very center. I can't get the image of those haunting brown eyes from my head. It is like the image was burned onto my brain. Jake has called twice every day since, pleading with me to come down. I'm so conflicted right now. So confused. I couldn't explain this burning need to see Jared again. All I think about dream about or real the urge to talk about is Jared. This can't be normal. No actually I'm positive it's not normal.

My heart, felt heavy in my chest. Every beat it barely managed felt sluggish. I didn't understand the complex of emotions whirling like a hurricane inside of me. I certainly didn't understand the circus of question playing in my head. Something happened that night that changed me. Instead of an empty void in me I was filled with uncertainty. I studied the book list from Harvard that currently lay discarded on my desk. It was mind boggling. A week ago I had was so eager to get the books. Now the task seemed mundane.

The phone was ringing again. I let it ring. I couldn't seem to find the strength to move. It hurt too much. Everything hurt. I don't understand this aching deep in my muscles. Sighing I looked at the clock. Time seem to have become the enemy. Half past three. I tried to muster the strength. I haven't cooked since that night. Charlie must be in take out heaven. My room was a disaster. Dirty laundry piled high hanging outside the hamper. I've let everything go. Shaking my head I decided enough was enough. And I'm pretty sure if I keep ignoring Jake he will show up here.

So I need to get up. I had too much to do to stay another second in bed. I pushed my legs of lead off the bed. Heaving from the exertion, I pressed my hand against my heart. This was crazy. Madness. I willed myself to stand. The phone was ringing again. I stared at it in annoyance. With a sigh I slowly made my way to it.

"Hello?" I croaked out, my voice hoarse from the lack of use.

"Bout time," Jake grumbled, "Do you know how long I've been trying to get in touch with you?"

I wanted to say I knew exactly how long it's been but I just stayed quiet. I wasn't really in the mood for much not even Jake's playfulness. A wave of exhaustion ran over me. I hoped Jake said whatever he had to say fast so I could lay back down.

"How are you feeling?" Jake asked after it seemed like an eternity.

"Like I've been run over by a truck and then it backed up just to make sure it got me," I answered.

"Funny," He paused as if hesitate to asked whatever it was he wanted to ask. God I wish he would hurry up. "Look Sam and Emily are having a dinner for the pack... er guys... and they wanted to know if you wanted to come."

My heart jumped. I could possibly see Jared again. Wait. What the hell was I thinking? He has a girlfriend. I was trying to find a reason to say no. Nothing was coming to me. Who was I kidding I already on board the second Jake said the guys. The chance to see him again was too tempting. Even though every fiber in my body knew it was wrong. But yet still my breathe caught in my throat and my heart was racing at the thought.

"Bella you still there," Jake asked.

"Yes." I said

"Yes what... yes your coming or yes your still there," He asked I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Both," I replied quickly excitement coursing through me. I'm beginning to question my sanity.

"Good be ready by four thirty I'll come get you." He hung the phone up before I could reply. Looks like Charlie was doing take out again tonight. Sorry Charlie. I moved faster than I have in days to the bathroom. Suddenly my appearance mattered. I snorted at the thought. As if he would even notice me.

After showering and throwing on perhaps the only dress I may own on. I stared down at the makeup kit Renee had insisted on buying me. The one I have yet to open. Debating if I really wanted to go through so much for a guy who probably forgot I even existed. The odds were against me. My fingers were pulling the plastic off the kit before I processed it. Shaking hands dabbed the eye shadow with hopes I remembered what my mother use to show me. I put on the most minimal of minimal make up I could possibly put on. A small part of me proud of what I've accomplished. At least I didn't look like a clown. Putting on some of my tinted chap-stick my face was complete. I snickered at the thought.

A horned blew loudly from outside. Repeatedly. Jake was here, and not a second too late. I grabbed a cardigan from the closet before bolting downstairs. I tried to hide my excitement as I jumped into the car. But the ear to ear grin that had somehow plastered itself on my face was giving me away. Jake gave me a weird look before shaking his head and muttering under his breath. Half through the drive that seem to be taking forever he looked over at me once again.

"I didn't even know you owned a dress," he stated.

"Um... yeah I have tons," I lied smoothing out the imaginary wrinkles in the dress.

He snorted and looked back at the road. He didn't say anything else for the drive. I could feel my heart beat increasingly rise as we pasted the sign for La Push. We were only a few minutes away. I would see him soon. Jake was looking at me out the corner of his eye. He seemed different. It was like something was on his mind. I wanted to ask him. But I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would say Jared's name and expose myself. So I kept my lips shut.

"You okay Bells?" Jake asked as we pulled into Sam and Emily's drive way.

"Yeah," I squeaked, "I'm fine... why?" I was looking around eagerly. Hoping my eyes would land on him soon. I think the cartilage in my fingers were wearing out from how much I was wringing them.

"You seem a little... tense," He said unbuckling, "That's all."

I nodded my head at him before all but yanking his car door open to get out. He arched his eyebrows at me. But I ignored it. Just like I ignored the shocked expression on his face when I grabbed his hand and dragged him to the door. And I knew after the banging I did on the door I wouldn't be able to meet his eyes for the rest of the night. His hand was rigid in mine. I glanced back to see if he was okay. They were taking too long to answer the door. I gave the door another knock trying to read Jake's expression.

His face was blank but he wasn't exactly looking at me. I sighed and knocked on the door again. Well I actually knocked on someone's chest. A very muscular shirtless chest. Looking up I saw a very amused Sam standing before me with arched eyebrows. I smiled at him sheepishly discreetly trying to look around him.

"Bella," Sam's deep voice bellowed. "So nice to see you again."

I nodded quickly following him in dragging Jake with me. "So... um... who's all here?" I asked Sam trying to hide the anxiety in my voice. But judging by his face I didn't succeed as well as I had hoped.

He arched an eyebrow at me a smirked played at his lips. And I swear to everything I love if he didn't answer me soon I would rip them off his face. "Well you know the guys," he answered moving away from me slightly.

"Which guys?" I asked through gritted teeth.

Jake was now officially ignoring me. He shook his head pulled his hand from the death grip I was currently giving his fingers and moved around me. Nodding to Sam he made his way to the back of the house. "Are you looking for someone in particular?" Sam asked his shoulders moving in a silent laughter. I growled at him. I seriously just growled at Sam huger then life Uley. Judging by his raised eyebrows I'm not sure which one of us was more surprised. What in the world is going on with me?

He cleared his throat and rattled off the guys names. All but the one I wanted to hear. He's not here. I could feel my body falling into its self disposed exhaustion. Would I really ruin my whole night because Jared with a girlfriend decided not to show up? Yes. Apparently I was. I followed Sam dutifully toward the back pushing away my depressing thoughts.

"Oh and how could I forget," Sam said turning around just as we got to the living room, "Jared is here also." It was like I got hit by lightening. My every changing emotion changed again. He's here. I wanted to ask if his girlfriend was here. But figured it may be pushing it. Calm. Just stay calm Bella. Let's try and keep the fact you've been obsessing about a guy you just met under wraps.

I entered the whole with a facade of calm I was nowhere close to actually feeling. I was grateful the guys couldn't hear my heartbeat because it was practically beating out of my chest. I glanced around the room spying Jared on a love seat… by himself. Yes. I did a small happy dance... inside of course. Moving swiftly I planted myself down right next to him. I ignored the confused stares I was currently getting. Ignored the hurt look on Jake's face when I walked by the seat he had saved for me. Right now all I saw was him.

"Bella," he said nodding his head nonchalantly at me. My heart broke a little. Well what did you expect, I thought bitterly, him to shout his undying love to you. He has a girlfriend I reminded myself. One who was currently MIA but still he had one. I nodded back not trusting my voice. I couldn't brush off the feeling of needing more. Or the feeling that I've officially lost it. Why does it mean so much to me.

"Bella," Emily said as she entered the room walking over to me, "So glad to see you could make it." She gave me a quick hug before looking over to Jared. "Is Kim on her way?" She asked him. I tried not to look like I wanted to know also. I developed a sudden interest in the plant beside me. I heard him clear his throat. One of the sexiest sounds I have ever heard. I bite back the moan that threatens to come out. I need to get a hold of myself.

"She wasn't feeling well so she decided to stay home," he answered. And once again my inner Bella was doing her happy dance. There was such a rush of emotions running through me just by sitting near him. I wonder how it would feel to actually touch him. I scooted a little closer to him discreetly of course. I looked around to see if anyone noticed me. My eyes landed on Sam who was currently staring at me with same damn amused expression. I could feel the blush on my cheeks. Looking away I studied Jared out the corner of my eyes. He was currently having a deep conversation with Paul. He didn't even notice I was slowly inching my way closer to him. The light from the slow setting sun was creeping through the blinds. It surrounded his head like a halo and a sign passed from my lips. He was truly beautiful. His black hair was long enough to put into a small pony tail that had my fingers just begging to run through it. His high cheek bones and straight nose wasn't far off from Jake's but on Jared it made him look delectable.

"Move over Bella," Seth said with a shit eating grin as he basically pushed me onto Jared's lap sitting down next to me. It took me a second to realize. To register that I was now touching Jared. The electricity running through us was overwhelming. I leaned back on to him savoring his scent. My one leg was tossed over his, my face burning red from the intimate position we were in. I tried to shift so I was so exposed on him. Wiggling my hips to maneuver my leg off of his. He hissed and grabbed my hips stopping my motion. A new sensation was washing over me. His large hand squeezing my flesh was too much to bear. I could feel myself getting turned on. My body was being assaulted with so much sensation it was hard to even think.

I wanted someone to save me from myself. The heat that was currently flowing through my body was so foreign to me. I was currently traveling through the unknown with my body in a room full of men. I knew my face was flushed. I knew I needed to excuse myself. But I couldn't move. I was pinned down on Jared's body. His hot muscles pressed against my back. His hard leg pressed against that hot place between my legs. Instantly I wished I had worn jeans. The feeling of his jean shorts pressed against my hot sex with only my panties in between was becoming unbearable. My body was responding to him in a way it's never responded to anyone before. I felt my panties dampen and had to control every impulse in me begging to bury my face in my hands and hump his leg until I was completely satisfied.

"Oh sweet Jesus," Jared groaned under his breath inhaling deeply. He shifted me off his lap setting me back firmly next to him. But not before I felt it. Jared was just as affected as I was. He jerked to his feet and yanked me up in front of him.

"Come on let's help Emily in the kitchen," he grunted pushing me along in front of him. I nodded eagerly wanting to escape the room just as much as he did. I pressed my lips together trying to fight the moans forming deep in my throat from his constant touch. I was dripping. I could feel it. Jared took another harsh breathe before pushing me into a dark room.

Before I could even process what was happening I was pinned against a wall. Jared pressed firmly in between my legs. Embarrassment raced through me as I looked around wondering how he was able to put the light on and pin me to the wall. I was grateful the only thing keep us company was a washer and dryer. If I could think straight I would wonder how he moved us here so fast. I would have worry about the reaction of every one outside. Thank goodness one of the side effects of having a half naked Native American sex god standing between your legs is loss of common sense brain function.

His face was currently buried in the curve of my neck and each ragged breathe he took pressed his body closer to mine. I ran my hands through his hair, wrapping my legs around his slim waist. Pressing myself against him with confidence I myself didn't know I possessed. He hissed trembling slightly. I could feel his erection. Feel it against the part of me that was aching to be satisfied. I knew I shouldn't be letting this happen. I knew I should stop it. But he looked me in the eye and I was lost.

He thrust against me. A whimper escaped my lips. "Jared," I started trying to ignore the lust in his eyes. We have gone too far, "We need too..."

His lips were pressed against mine. My whole body tensed. I've never been kissed by a man before. I let him take the lead. Melting into his kiss I granted his tongue the entrance it was seeking. The taste of him overwhelming taking over my senses. I could feel myself shuddering under his touch. Quaking with lust for a man forbidden to me. He wrapped his large hot hands under my thighs. His fingers drawing small circles on my burning flesh. A tidal wave of sensation hit him. Drawing me under its slippery embrace. He had lit a fire deep in my soul that was consuming me to the very core.

The desire I had for him multiply suddenly it didn't matter that he had a girl. It didn't matter that we were in Sam and Emily's laundry room. The only thought that I was capable of processing was Jared is kissing me... and damn did I like it. My fingers itched to touch him. I moved my hands down and cupped his bottom pulling him closer to me. He broke the kiss with a groan and I desperately wanted him to touch me in the core of my desire..

He showered my neck and face with light kisses. His tenderness evident in every kiss. But I wanted more. I felt empty. "Please Jared." I pant in between kisses. He pulled back. Studying me with his dark eyes as if he was drinking me in with just his stare. His hair was tousled and his lips swollen and the only thought I could think was 'mine'.

He arched an eyebrow me as if silently questioning me if I really wanted more. I wiggled my hips over the large bulge in his jeans. His expression immediately changed from one of amusement to one of deep primal lust. It was if he was a predator who's eyes just landed on its prey. I felt like a lamb in the wolves den. I was playing with a wild fire.

With a growl he ripped my thin panties away. I gasped as the cool air hit my damp hot flesh. This was never how I imagined it being. A deep shudder ran through me as I thought of him touching me at my core. His hot fingers wasted no time finding that button that set all my nerves a flamed. A loud moaning was surrounding us. Ringing in my ears the strong desire that was flowing though the room. It took me a second to realized it was me moaning with such abandonment. Jared chuckled in my ear. His hot breathe teasing my neck. His body was hard and tense against me but his fingers worked magic. I felt as if a dam was exploding inside of me. Muscles I never knew I had were tighten begging for release. He pushed on finger inside of me. I hissed from the welcomed intrusion. My body tensed around his finger pushing it out. He placed open mouth kisses on my neck. My belly quivered with each thrust of his finger. My nerves were going through an overload.

"So tight," Jared hissed rubbing his thumb over my magic spot making me feel like I was about to explode.

"Cum for me Bella," He whispered hoarsely in my ear.

And I felt it. I was on the edge of the fall and I was tumbling over no matter how much I desperately held on. He kissed me deeply swallowing the scream of my orgasm. My whole body was shuddering in his arms. Never before I ever felt such a rush of emotions all at once. I held onto him as I slowly finished the roller coaster ride he just sent me on with just his hand. I swear there were tears in my eyes.

"You are so beautiful," He said softly into my hair. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek on his shoulder. I just let him hold me. A sharp knock on the door broke us both from the stupor we were currently falling into.

Slowly he placed me down. My legs were still shaking I grasped his huge biceps for support. He kissed my forehead steadying me before grabbing my torn discarded underwear from the floor and shoving it in his pocket. "Go," he whispered, "I'll follow in a few minutes."

His words sunk in. Reality came crashing down. I was no better than Emily. I was doing to Kim the same injustice that was done onto Leah. The word hypocrite was running though my head. I nodded quickly keep my head down. I wouldn't let him see my tears. How could I have been so foolish?

I opened the door slowly hoping no one would be standing outside. I think God hates me. There standing before me was Sam with that damn arched eyebrow. He knew damnit. I could feel the harsh words I had said about him flying back and slapping me across the face. Rushing past him I headed straight for the bathroom. The tears I was fighting flowing down my face. My cheeks felt like they were on fire. It wasn't until I closed the bathroom door did I remember I was currently panty free and without a back up. I wasn't just climbing any mountain of fucked up I was on top of the Mt. Everest itself.

I dreaded the thought of going back out there with nothing on. What if the wind blew when I was outside and all the guys saw my goods. I debated claiming to be sick and have Jake drop me home. But the selfish side of me reared her head again and I knew I would stay until Jared left. Or when Jake actually left considering he was my ride. Gathering the little courage I had I wiped myself off… literally. And slowly dragged my feet making my way out back to face the wolves.

The screen door slammed shut behind me causing all the eyes to turn toward me. I tried to ignore the unsettling feeling that they all knew what Jared and I just did. I searched Jake out and noticed he and Sam were off to the side in a very heated discussion. It seemed like a non interrupt type of meeting if you get my drift. Not to mention I wasn't really ready to face Jake just yet, so I decided to try my luck with Emily.

Bad idea. I thought five minutes in. Emily was talking about another bonfire coming up soon but she kept giving me knowing looks. It was getting to a point I was seriously tempted to poke her eyes out. And Jared has still yet to resurface. Every time the screen door opened I would look at it expecting to see him coming out. I know I shouldn't. He was seeing someone. But surely she couldn't be that important if he could do what he did with me... right.

One minute later I got my answer. Jared walked out to the back with a very happy looking Kim. It was definitely a hard pill to swallow. You know the size of large goose egg. But add on some guilt milkshake and it all goes down in the most upset stomach type of way. I knew I should leave all this alone. But yet I found myself hoping he would acknowledge me. Hoping he would announce in front of everyone that he didn't want her but me. I wonder if this is how Leah felt every day.

He avoided my eyes like it was the plague. I was beginning to feel like the lowest scum on earth. I tried not to think too much. Tried to ignore the betrayed feeling currently playing at my heart. But I couldn't. Every time I saw how happy Kim was it was another stab to my heart. I couldn't push away the feeling rejection. Tears flooded my eyes and I quickly wiped them away. How could I have been so foolish. He probably thinks I'm some big slut.

I tried to move past the pile of self pity currently residing by my feet like a load of smelly dog poo. I stared down at the plate of food Emily handed me. Not really hungry for anything much... that is anything not Jared of course. I'm so sad and pathetic. Jared was way out of my league. I was better off playing it safe with Jake. Or better yet just shacking up with some Tom, Dick, or Joe at college. You know Harvard the one I've been putting off for no apparent reason this past week.

No longer could I let someone else. Someone who I barely knew affect my decision about my future. I pulled my shoulders back and lifted my head high. I would fight what ever force was holding me here. I am going to college and nothing not even Jared could stop me. Not that he was trying to any way. It has to be all in my head. Maybe I should switch my major to psychology. Considering all the issues I seem to be having with my own psyche.

But still didn't stop me from appreciating Jared's body. I watched in hooded eyes as Kim handed him a piece of Emily's pumpkin pie before turning and talking to Emily. He looked up as if he knew I was staring. I should look away but his eyes captivated me. Locking me in place. I watched as he scooped up a small amount of whip cream on his finger and slide it into his mouth. His eyes closed and his body made a moan of deep appreciation. The muscles in my gut clenched with desire. He turned his eyes back to Kim and Emily. It was then that I realized it was the finger that had been inside of me. And fuck me if a wave of desire didn't just slam into me like a ton of bricks. I was sinking fast and had no more life boats left.

A/n: thanks for reading once again read and review.