a/n: Sorry it's been taking so long. I don't have internet right now but that will be fixed soon. R&R. I know last chapter got a lot of Bella hating. But honestly she kind of acted her age. And you have to put your foot in your mouth a few times in life in order to learn.
I sat on the roof of my car. Letting the fading heat from the engine warm me. I had come to gravel, beg, and demand forgiveness. I did a lot of thinking. A lot lot of thinking. I was wrong. But then again so was he. But his denial nowhere cut as deep as my thoughtless words. I felt his pain when I said them. I didn't know it then. I was too consumed with anger. But when I got home and had slightly calmed down it hit me like a ton of bricks. My shortness of breath, tight chest and labored movement wasn't because of my anger. It was the pain I had caused both of us.
So that leads me here. Sitting on my car waiting to get the nerve to go knock on his door. Part of me was hoping he would see me and come out. But since I've been here for just under hour I figured he was going to make me to it myself. He was going to make me come to him. Not that I blame him.
Come on Bella, I coaxed myself, you can do this. I ignore the Rob Snyder voice that was currently playing in my head saying his notorious line 'You can do it.' Just when I had finally gotten the nerve to get off the car his front door opened. I held my breath I guess he was coming to get me anyway. I slowly took a tentative step toward his front steps and froze. It couldn't be. I know I was wrong but he wouldn't do this to me. Because coming out his front door, with her shirt on inside out and tousled hair. Was none other than Kim.
She paused when she saw me. Her large brown eyes stared into mine as she made her way down the stairs towards me.
"Did you really think you could take him from me," She sneered coldly, "Look at you and look at me. You're nothing."
She turned and walked away from me. Her hips moved with a confidence I could never have. Even with her shirt inside out she looked seductive. I shifted in my chucks uncomfortably. My shirt suddenly felt too baggy and my jeans felt like they didn't quite fit. I looked up at the open door and saw Jared standing there staring at me. He was only wearing a pair of cutoff jeans with the top button undone. The proof was before me. Jared had done exactly what I said. He went back to Kim.
Maybe you should see if he will fuck you now, my inner voice said nastily. I wanted to scream and shout at him. Was I so easy to replace? Did the imprint mean nothing? I back away from him slowly tripping on my own feet. He caught me before I could hit the ground. His hot body pressed against mine. I could smell her perfume on him. I could see his lips swollen from her kisses. It should have been me coming out of his house with my shirt on inside out. It should be me with the tousled hair and confident walk. Not her. She wasn't the one chosen for him.
It dawned on me then. She may not be the one fate handed to him. But she was the one he chosen. She was what he wanted. And I was nothing. The first night I had ever seen him. The night that changed my life. He had been all over her. Their love was evident with each kiss. With each tender caress. I remember watching them wondering what it felt for a man to be so engrossed with me. I had it with Jared. But it was some wolf mojo that had given it to me. None of it was true. Once I was a bit more stabled I pushed away from him. I didn't want him to touch me.
"Bella…" he started toward me.
"NO," I grasped holding my arm out before me to keep him away.
"It's not what you…" he paused. He couldn't say it. He couldn't lie to me. One score for the imprint.
"I came to apologize," I whispered my voice breaking, "But I shouldn't have bother if I knew I was so easily replaced."
"Damn it Bella," He hissed, "It's not like that at all."
"So what is it then?" I snapped, "And don't you even think about saying its complicated. Because last time I check you said you were with me. So what the hell was she doing here?"
"Talking."
"And I'm the president."
"She wanted closure." He ran his hand through his short black hair. A puff of air release from his lungs condensed in the air. He was stalling I was sure of it. I stood there my anger growing with each second. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to forget I had even seen her. But she was still here. Her presence still lingered in the air. Her word hung between us.
"You are not nothing," He growled as if reading my thoughts, "You're everything."
"But you won't touch me," I snapped knowing I was being childish. Knowing I was threading a dangerous ground. But I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't stop the words from leaving my mouth. He winced like I slapped him. I might as well have.
"Bella is it so unreasonable for me to want our first time to be special?" he expression was wounded but I wasn't about to be swayed by it.
"What kind of closure involves her shirt being inside out?" I fired back I wasn't about to give in.
"I said it isn't what you think," he barked.
"Then explain it to me because it seems very clear to me." My voice was shaking. Hell I was shaking. I was begging for him to have an explanation. Anything would be better then what I was thinking. Anything.
He motioned for me to follow him. He made his way into the house. I followed him silently. Praying to every god I knew. Begging that this wasn't what it seemed. He closed the door when I entered. We stood there. Staring at each other. All the uncertainties in my heart seem to be screaming against the silence in the room.
I looked around the room trying to find a sense of peace that was evading me. My eyes landed on a piece of red fabric tucked half hazardly between the couch cushions. It was bright red with small sequences. My mind processed it before my eyes comprehended it. A soft gasp escaped from my lips. My eyes crashed with his. He had seen what I had. His expression one of shock and horror or maybe that was mine that was mirrored in his eyes.
"What is that?" I whispered even though I already knew what it was. The answers to his closure with her was staring me in the face.
"Bella we didn't…" he started but trailed off. He cursed softly under his breathe. He was angry I could sense it. He should be angry with himself. He should have cleaned up afterwards better.
"What I'm not good enough now that I'm with you," I hissed. My pain was evident I was sure of it. And I hated myself for it. I didn't want to break down before him. I didn't want him to see how much this was killing me.
"No Bella… she must have left it when I went to the bathroom…." He trailed off.
I was shaking. I hated that this was happening. Because I wanted to believe him. I wanted to be with him. But Kim's words. Her red lacey panties. They were telling a different story then his lips. And I'm finding her story completely more believable then his.
"Why was her shirt inside out?"
His head whipped up. Shock disgust and horror washed over his face. He didn't know. A small bubble of hope swelled in me. Maybe it was all a ruse. Kim never did like me. Was I so willing to just believe what she said? Perhaps I should listen to his side. I was an adult and I should start acting like one. I already saw how well acting like a child got me.
"Jared tell me what happened?"
He sighed again and went to sit on the couch but seem to think better of it. He move to the kitchen and sat by the table. He waited for me to sit across from him before he started speaking.
"She came over about an hour before you came," he got up and grabbed two bottles of water from fridge. He handed me one before sitting back down taking a drink from his. "She claimed she needed closure. That she met someone new and needed to know I was sure about letting her go."
I fidgeted with the bottle of water in my hand. She certainly didn't sound like a woman looking for closure outside.
"I told her I was falling in love with you and there was no point in her holding on to something that wasn't there anymore."
His eyes were boring in to mine, "She kissed me." He pause as if gauging my reaction. I wasn't sure how I felt. "I kissed her back more out of habit then desire," he continued, "She wasn't what I wanted and it felt wrong to the very pit of my stomach so I stopped and stepped away"
I could see him replaying the moment in his hair. This day hasn't been easy on him. Hell these last two days hasn't been easy on him. I knew he wasn't lying to me. The imprint wouldn't let him. But I was still uneasy about the two of us. The imprint didn't mean we had to be lovers. He was to be whatever I needed. Maybe I just needed a friend. The idea had an appeal. But even I heard the doubt in the thought. I had already tasted the sweetness of Jared's kisses. No he could never be just a friend.
"I think we need some time apart," I said clearing my throat.
His head whipped up his eyes were dark. I know he thought I didn't believe him. I know even knowing the truth I still almost didn't believe him. But I wasn't proposing this break because of that. Hell I wasn't really proposing a real break.
"I have to go to Harvard to pretty much set myself up for the fall," I continued, "It would only be for a week max if that. I think it may be a good time for us to take a step back and you know… get to know each other."
His throat worked for a few second, "when will you be leaving?"
"Tuesday."
"That's in two days," he hissed, "Will we be on break until you come back?"
I wanted to say no. I wanted to say let's just hole ourselves away for the next two days but that was the problem. We were rushing something that needed time to develop. My immature action last night had proven that. Did I feel like I was giving Kim a chance to swoop back in? … Maybe. But I knew in order to grow I had to take a step back.
"Yes," I licked my lips cracking opening the water in my hands, "I don't mean not having any contact, I mean no kissing, no fondling, no touching, and no dates…. We don't seem to good with them anyway."
He snorted and rolled his eyes, "So we're strictly friends then?"
"Until I get back."
"And then?"
I paused. Then what was a great question. How long was I willing to go without his physically contact? The memory of his touch raced through me. Not too long, I decided as the heat flowed over me. "We go on another date."
He nodded looking away from me. I was unsure if he would go for this. But I knew we needed it. And I think he knew also. He got up and opened one of his cupboards grabbing out a giant can of tuna. I watched wordlessly as he opened the can and mixing it with mayo. He looked at me for a second.
"You hungry…friend?"
And I knew it was okay. Jared was on board and understood where I was going with it. I smiled and moved over to where he was standing. I stood on my toes and placed a small chaste kiss on his lips.
"Forgive me?" I didn't have to tell him for what because he already knew. I was referring to the words I had so crudely said last night. The pain I had brought to both of us.
"The minute I saw you outside my door," he said, "Now back up hussy you said no kissing."
I laughed and rolled my eyes before backing up. Yeah it would be okay. Because we we're both willing to make it okay. I am going to enjoy getting to know my friend.
I pushed him out of the way, "Move over and let me show you how to make a tuna melt."
A/N: ok guys hope you like its. R&R