"Human! Is everything alright?" Papyrus was staring intently at you, gauging your expressions. "You seem a bit distant this morning."
"Yeah Pap. Just tired." You were sitting at the kitchen table, dipping your spoon into your cereal bowl but not bringing any of the food up to your mouth. You were tired, and not just physically. You were physically tired too, no doubt about that. The bags under your eyes would have given you away in a heartbeat.
No, you were emotionally drained, just getting the motivation to answer your friend seemed like too much effort for the moment. You push your bowl away and plop your head down on the table. You groan as the wood grain digs into your forehead.
"Human?" You groan again, letting him know you heard him. You hear him take your bowl away and take a deep breath, mustering up the energy to pick your head back up. Something was placed by your head and sheer curiosity gave you the strength.
Looking up, you saw your favorite mug filled with ice cream. Despite the cold outside, you always had a weakness for icy treats. You lifted a heavy hand and took the spoon, bringing it up to your lips. You only took one bite before your energy drained again. You place the spoon next to the mug and place your head back down.
Papyrus made a light choking sound and left the kitchen, but you didn't care. You couldn't care about much of anything anymore. You're favorite show? What was the point? You're favorite foods? They all tasted like ash. The jokes that used to make you laugh? They just made the hole in your chest pang painfully. Everything around you was numb, grey.
Your thoughts felt muffled, like you were thinking in monotone. The world around you seems fuzzy. Your emotions were stuffy, like you were only feeling a portion of them. Your world was… dead, and you didn't know why.
You've had episodes like this before, where you couldn't get out of bed for the life of you, but those only lasted a single day at a time. It's been almost three days and you haven't been able to shake this veil that's been covering you.
Papyrus had been gone for five minutes, maybe ten. Maybe an hour… you had no clue. You didn't move, not when the condensation from your mug began to collect on the table and run under your palm. Not when you heard the front door open and close.
A hand rested on your shoulder, but you didn't jump. You were too grey for that.
Everyone had a color to you. Their personalities, their emotions and souls all had certain shades when they were around you. You used to have a color too, once. But now you were grey. Grey and numb. Numb and tired. Tired and dead.
The hand shook your shoulder a little, and you gathered the energy to turn your head to the side, just enough to see who it was. It was Sans, his grin down turned into a concerned frown. His one hand was on your shoulder, the other in his pocket.
"You okay Kiddo?" You couldn't answer. You couldn't shake your head. You couldn't move, but he was waiting for some kind of response. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.
"No…" It was slurred a little, you didn't open your mouth all the way. You just couldn't. You hear him take a deep breath and his arm slipped under yours. You were hoisted onto the shorter's back. You barely managed to wrap your legs around his waist as he walked up the stairs. His footsteps lulled you into a half sleep.
Sleep was good. Sleep was black. It was something other than this thick grey that's been covering you so closely. Sleep was good. But you couldn't sleep because he placed you on the bed, jostling you awake.
He sat down next to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, his thumb bone rubbing calming circles into your upper arm. You sat there, staring straight ahead, concentrating on your breathing, making sure breathing doesn't become too much of a burden either.
"Kid, can you tell me what's wrong?" You wanted to talk but… it was too much. You stayed silent, and you could tell he was about to say something else by the way his shoulders lifted, but you had finally conjured the energy to start.
"The world… is so grey." His thumb kept its motions going, and he pulled you a little closer.
"What do you mean?" You struggle to find the words. Another weight pulls the bed down as Papyrus sits on your other side, his larger hand finding yours and pulling it onto his lap. The feelings of Sans' thumb and Pap's hand gave you something solid to focus on. It helped you center, helped you solidify your thoughts.
"Everything has color… but now the world is grey. No white, no black. No nothing. I'm grey."
"How is the world grey?" You're silent for a few moments, anchoring yourself to the feeling of both of them being there next to you.
"My head… feels fuzzy. My emotions are… not all there. I can't… feel?" You couldn't make the words form correctly. You knew what you meant, but it wasn't translating over to the others very clearly.
"What can we do to help?" You close your eyes and breathe as deeply as possible.
"… Listen?" it was the only thing you could think of.
"We are here for you Human. We will listen to anything you wish to tell us without any hesitation." Pap's words were exactly what you wanted to hear.
"I feel… fake. Transparent. I wake up… and feel like if I left… no one would care much." Just that small sentence tired you out.
"I would notice. I would notice immediately Human! How could I not notice someone so important to me not being there?" He seemed aghast at the thought.
"Don't worry about stuff like that Kiddo. We'll always be here for you, no matter what." Sans' voice rumbled deep within your chest, and it was enough to spark something in your chest. In your heart. You saw something – no. You felt something.
Next to you was… blue. It was a faint blue, more of a grey with blue tinges, but blue nonetheless. Papyrus' hand squeezed yours and you felt something else.
A glow. A dim glow, but a glow. It was a muddy yellow, but it was there. You felt tears in your eyes. Then you realized something else. Tears? Your eyes widened as the tears fall over the edge. Tears are clear, and clear is not grey.
Blue is not grey.
Muddy yellow is not grey.
You turn your head from side to side and looked at both of them, the fog in your head leaving the slightest bit.
Suddenly, your emotions were sharper, more in focus.
"Guys…" You choke out a sob, the sudden clarity causing your head to throb. You couldn't pin point what caused the grey to descend.
And you couldn't really pin point what made it go away.
You breathed again, your lungs clear of the cotton that before made it so hard to get air in and out. Your tears began to fall freely, the dust that was clogging your eyes gone. You were free from the deadness that was shackling you.
"Kid, what did you mean by colors?" You shook your head, finding the action still used up more energy than it should have. You take another moment and gathered your thoughts. It was easier this time.
"I don't see them. It's more like a feeling. The feeling of a color when I'm near someone. When the person's emotions change. I honestly can't explain it without sounding crazy."
"Well, why not give us some examples? Help us understand better?"
"Please Human! I am quite interested in this phenomenon." You looked at both of them again, feeling your cheeks heat up.
"Well… Pap, you're orange, but when you get excited about a puzzle it's more yellow. Sans, when you're just sitting on the couch with me, you're a soft blue, but when we're at Grillby's making jokes you're a deep purple." You trail off, afraid you really lost them this time.
"That makes sense, in a way. Maybe Alphys would be better able to understand." Sans was the first to respond. "But… what is the world now?"
"I'm not sure. When I'm fine, the world as a whole doesn't have a color. It's like a muffled kaleidoscope. It's only when something is intense am I able to distinguish it. Right now, it's still kind of grey. It's… still hard to think about all of this clearly, but it's a light grey."
"Thanks guys." They turned to you, confused.
"Why are you thanking us, Human?"
"For listening. For breaking this fog."
"That's what we're here for kiddo. We're here to help you in these funks."
"They happen often."
"I'll have to keep an eye out then. Make sure you don't get into any more trouble." Sans give you an exaggerated wink and you can't help but smile back. It was a weak smile, but it was something… You felt tears in your eyes once again, and chocked back a sob.
Or was it a laugh?
You didn't know, but you let them keep coming. You buried your face into Sans' jacket, letting the grey seep from your world. Your chest clenched painfully and you let out a garbled whimper. You felt hands rubbing your back.
What would you have done without them?
The sobs subsided, and you felt completely drained, but you were feeling something. Sans tried to help you stand, but a quite objection for Papyrus made him pause. A moment later, you were tilted into the bed completely. You were laid between Sans and Papyrus, in a slightly boney but full of love sandwich.
You let one last tear make its way down your cheek as you smile into Sans' chest. You felt two pairs of arms tighten around you and for the first time in days, you felt color again.
So I have four unfinished chapters in my folder, and each one is turning out worse than the last. I just don't know what's up with that. I wrote this chapter before I even started Love Yourself, and I didn't want to post it because I wasn't sure if anyone would understand where I'm coming from.
I go through this myself, and I barely understand it. I wasn't going to post this at all, but between the other chapters being awful and feeling pretty grey myself right now, I figured it might not hurt to upload this.
I don't know why I'm so grey all of a sudden, and I don't know if anyone knows what I mean when I say grey. It's like… my mind is in a fog. Like all my thoughts are wrapped in wool or something. It's only happened three times, and in those three times I couldn't even turn over in bed. I just laid in the bed, staring at the same spot on the wall for eight, ten, fifteen hours in a row. The only break I got was when I managed to fall asleep or I was crying :/
Either way it's super awful and one of the scariest things I've ever experienced next to a full on panic attack, which is the absolute opposite of the spectrum. Absolutely nothing and way too much.
I'm sorry to say I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again. I've tried many times to write something that isn't crap or super cliché, but no matter what I wrote, it was bad.
And I refuse to post something that's crap.
So, until next time~
~Starlight