You run the blade over your thigh. You want to cut deep, but at the last second you let up the pressure. Darn your body's want to protect you. You made another cut and make a noise under your breath. You couldn't feel anything. You could see the cuts, you could see the blood, but there was no pain. No relief.
You had been clean for so long. Months even, but the stress had gotten to you. It's been a few years since you made it back to the surface, and you were pursing higher education. Your classes were piling work on you, and your anxiety made you push it off. You had so much work, just thinking about it caused your breathing to become shallow.
You had also just found out you couldn't afford to visit your friend. She had gone to a school several hours from you, and you were planning on taking the train up. Unfortunately, the train was three times the amount you could spend.
You make another slice, hoping the adrenaline would make the pain in your chest recede. Unfortunately, there was no adrenaline, so there was no relief. You hissed with frustration and mopped up the blood with some toilet paper.
You taped up the cuts, putting extra pressure on it to make it hurt. There was still no pain. Pulling up your sweatpants, you flushed the red down the toilet and looked at yourself in the mirror. You should look different, you think. You should look sad or broken or something, but you look exactly the same.
You leave the bathroom and head to the table, where your books were waiting for you to come back and finish all the work you had been putting off. A single tear works its way from your eye but you brush it away before it reaches your chin. You steel yourself and get back to work.
You had worked for five hours straight, and your head was pounding. Tossing back three painkillers, you decided a hot shower would be very helpful. You tossed your pencil onto the table and headed to the bathroom. Stripping down, you made sure to be extra careful around your thigh. Peeling the bandage off, you cringe as the dried blood ripped at the cuts.
Finally, you felt something, but it wasn't want you wanted. You made the water steamy and careful stepped in, hissing as the scalding water instantly turned your skin red. You cupped some of the water in your hands and let it gently wash over the cuts, washing away the blood beading up again. The stinging caused your eyes to tear up.
Turning the water off, you carefully dried yourself to avoid getting bloodstains on the towel. The last thing you needed was to have to explain why the red dotted the fabric. You taped the cuts back up, smearing some healing cream on them to avoid infection. You may hurt yourself, but you take care of the cuts after. Infections were something you didn't want to deal with again.
Pulling your pants back on again, the waistline catches on the bandaging, jostling the cuts and causing a dull ache to shoot up your thigh. The weight of your actions made your chest hurt, but you didn't want to bother anyone with this.
Sans opened the door to see you sitting at the dinner table, books and papers stacked everywhere. Your eyebrows were furrowed in concentration and he knew he would be able to sneak up on you, no problem. He inched forward, preparing to scare you, when you suddenly sat up straight and scrubbed your face with your hands.
You made a sound, as if you were trying not to cry, and Sans felt bad for thinking about tricking you. He let his bones crack a little, letting you know he was there without actually making it seems like he was doing it on purpose.
You flinch and place the pencil on the table. Turning in your chair, you gave him a smile.
"Oh hey there Sans. Ditched work early again?" Sans smiled and ruffled your hair.
"Yeah you know me…" He peered over your shoulder at the paper on the table, covered in scribbles and crossed off math problems. There were a few crumpled paper balls on the table as well, and Sans sighed. "Looks like you've been working for a while, huh kid?"
"Yeah, but I still have a lot to do." You picked up your pencil again and began writing down the same problem again, hoping that writing it for the fifth time you would be able to understand it better. A boney hand plucked the pencil from your hand. You turned to look at him as his other hand took the paper. He scanned the paper and grinned again.
"Looks like your head's all burned out Kiddo. Why not take a break?"
"I just took a break a little while ago. I took a shower and everything."
"Kid, your hair is bone dry. You must have taken this break of yours a long while ago." You just shrug and try to take the paper from him. You had twelve more problem to do before you moved onto your English paper.
"I'll take a break in a bit Sans."
"Ah, ah, ah." He slipped his hands under your armpits and picked you up as if you weighed nothing. "It's skele-kiddo bonding time."
"Saaaaaaans…" You had work to do.
"Kiiiiiiiiiiiiid…" He mocked you, causing you to pout as he carried you to the couch. He tossed you over the back of the couch. You bounced twice as he rounded the arm and sat next to you. He flicked a finger and the tv turned on with a click. A moive started playing but you were too focused on the work you still had to finish.
To get your attention, Sans swung his legs into yours, his heel clipping the cuts on your thigh. You stifled a gasp but he had turned his head again and was watching the movie.
You wanted to talk to him, but you didn't know how to bring it up. How would you bring up something like this? Especially in such a casual setting. The movie credits rolled and you still hadn't said anything about what you did earlier.
Sans was snoring gently next to you. You carefully nudged his feet from your leg. You were trying not to wake him up, but his even breathing snorted and he lazily looked around.
"Oh hey kid. Didn't mean to fall asleep on you… Hey you look like you're about to blow a fuse." You were trying to string together a sentence to tell him, but the words still evaded you. You didn't realize your struggle showed on your face.
"Sans… I um..." You felt what little courage you had disappear. "Never mind… just ignore it."
He looked at you with concerned eyes but didn't push it. He knew to respect your boundaries. He reached a hand out to stop you from going back into the kitchen but let it drop silently.
You finally finished the essay. The clock chimed three in the morning and your eyes were burning. You needed to go to sleep hours ago, but you know you never would have been able to sleep with all this stress hanging over your head.
You packed up the books and piled them a little more neatly so you could start again later. Flicking off the lights in the kitchen, you had the urge to go to Sans. Usually you only went to him when you had nightmares, but you needed comfort more than sleep now.
Your cuts were throbbing more and more, but since there was none of the adrenaline, they just hurt. It didn't feel good anymore. You crept up the stairs and tested the doorknob. Since coming to the surface, Sans kept his door unlocked, just for you.
Slowly opening the door, you saw a small bundle in the middle of the bed in the faint moonlight streaming through the window. The blankets moved up and down rhythmically with his faux breathing. You snuffled towards him and knelt on the mattress, cringing a little as the springs wheezed. Sans stirred as you wormed your way next to him. A sleep heavy hand wrapped about your waist.
"Hey there kid… what time is it?"
"Three in the morning." He yawned loudly.
"Did you have another nightmare?" You shook your head.
"No. Just needed some help falling asleep."
"Is something bothering you kid?" You opened your mouth but hesitated.
"Sans… can I tell you something? And have you promise not to tell anyone else, no matter what?" Sans was more awake now, the serious tone in your voice startling him.
"Yeah kid. You can trust me with anything." You take a deep breath and clench his t-shirt fabric in your hands.
"I did something dumb today." His hand rubbed comforting circled on your shoulder.
"What happened?"
"I was so stressed… and I felt so overwhelmed. It usually helped, but I didn't feel anything so I kept going and going and going but I didn't feel anything…" You let the tears fall, just talking about it made the weight in your chest let up some.
"Did what?" You opened your mouth again to say I cut myself but the words caught painfully in your throat.
"It'll be easier to show you actually…" Sans sat up, letting his magic light up the room faintly. You sat up and crawled off the bed. Standing in the middle of the room, you fidgeted with the waist line of your pants. He gave you a scared look, afraid of what you were going to show him.
Steeling your nerves, you dropped your pants. If it were any other situation, you would have laughed at the look on his face, but not tonight. His eyes immediately went to the bandage on your thigh, his jaw dropping a little.
"H-hey kid… what's that on your leg there?" Carefully, you peeled the bandage off, cursing a little as the dried blood stuck to the pad. It had stopped bleeding but still looked painfully swollen and raised.
You took a step closer to him as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He reached out with a shaking hand and let a finger ghost over the lines. There were so many of them, two condensed rows of raised lines.
"Kid… you did this?" His voice cracked at the end, glowing blue tears threatening to fall.
"Y-yeah." He took a deep breath and let his thumb trace the skin around the cuts, the cold of his bones feeling good against the fevered pain.
"Because you were stressed?"
"It helps me clear my head sometimes."
"How long have you been doing this?"
"Years? I really can't remember any more. This is the first time in a few months though." He summoned a ball of blue magic in the palm of his hand. Placing it flush against the cuts and you sucked in a breath. The magic was warm, and it caused the throbbing to calm.
He pulled his hand away. The cuts weren't healed completely, but the swelling was gone and it wasn't painful to the touch any more.
"How did you...?"
"Tori's been teaching me some basic healing magic. Thanks for being my guinea pig, Kid."
"T-thanks Sans." You sniffled and pulled your pants back on. You gave him a tight hug, sitting in his lap.
"Why didn't you come to me earlier?"
"I was scared…" He pushed you away gently to look you in the eyes.
"Scared? Of what, me?" You shrug.
"Of how you would react. I thought you would be mad at me…" He pulled you back into his chest and held you tight.
"I could never be mad at you…" He muttered into your hair. His warmth seeped through your clothes, making you feel comfortable and safe. "What did you mean you didn't feel anything?"
"I kept cutting, but I didn't feel any pain. It was scary, because there was no pain."
"That's odd… I'm not a psychologist, but I do know a bit about anatomy. I learned a lot when I worked with Alphys… But that's very odd."
"I dunno…" His arms tightened around you again.
"You have to come to me if you feel like doing this again."
"I can try." He pulled you onto the bed and covered you with the blanket.
"You have to, Kid… I can't let you keep doing this to yourself." You yawned and buried your face in the pillow. You could hear him sigh and adjust himself to be under the blanket as well. "We'll talk about this more tomorrow. You need to sleep now."
He nuzzled your head and you smile. The weight on your chest was almost gone, and you felt so relieved. You wished you could have talked to him sooner, to have him know sooner, but at least I happened in the end.
You dreaded what was to happen in the morning, but for now you let yourself relax. He cared about you, and he wasn't mad….
So this isn't the best, but I really needed to write something. I've been told "you" seem unrealistic in some of the chapters, but it's pretty much me and how I react to things. The beginning of this chapter is literally what happened to me yesterday.
Thank you for everyone's support and feedback. I've gotten a few new suggestions, and I do hope to write them. Updating might be a little slower that before. I know many of you tell me "Take your time" but I still feel bad when I go long periods of times without updating.
If anyone has any suggestions or comments or complaints, shoot me a message! I love hearing your opinions and thoughts.
Until next time!
~Starlight