You grin as you let your finger trace the corners of the little plastic card. You thought it would be so much harder to get it, but a week after your 18th birthday you found the right guy. For $100 and the promise of a favor, you were able to walk out with your prize.
A shiny fake ID felt like a ticket to freedom in your hand. You try to make your face look neutral before going into the liquor store. This particular establishment was known for not caring about the age of its customers, but you wanted to wait until you had your ID just in case.
A bell rang overhead as you opened the door. The air conditioning hit you like a brick, but you could still feel sweat forming in the palm of your hands. You had always had someone else to do this part for you, and you were a little bit nervous.
You made your way to the back and found a bottle of upper shelf vodka. You check the price and cringe a little. You glance one shelf lower and find a familiar label. You grab one of the smaller bottles and head to the front of the store.
The guy behind the counter reminded you of Burgerpants. He literally looked like he would rather be run over by a truck than be working here. You gave him a sympathetic smile and placed the bottle on the counter. He looked at you for a second before scanning the bottle and reading the price in a monotone voice.
You hand over exact change, and place a five in the tip jar next to the register. He looked back up at you, surprised. You just smile again and tuck your wallet away. You sit in the driver's seat of your car and let out the breath you didn't know you were holding. You clutch the paper bag to your chest and giggle happily.
It was going to be a fun night. And hopefully you wouldn't remember it.
You giggled and downed another shot. Sans had gotten the shot glass for you as a gag. A little ghost was painted on the glass, with a word bubble that said "I'm only here for the boos." The two of you had laughed about it, and at the time you never thought you would actually use it.
Sans…
You grimace and take another shot. The first few had been painful but soon it all tasted like water to you. You always promised Toriel you would never do anything bad from a young age. She would sit you down and make you promise to avoid drugs and alcohol and violence, and being the kid of you were, you willingly promised.
Back then, it made obvious sense. Why would you want to do something dumb like drink or smoke when you could hang out with your monster pals?
You sigh and take another shot. You wished you could go back to when you were a kid. Things were so much easier back then. You could go talk to Sans when you were upset back then, but now you know better.
He didn't trust you. You never noticed as a kid, because he was your friend. Right? You saved everyone, right? But then the flashbacks started happening. They started as quick daydreams, but quickly followed you into the night.
After that, you saw the way his eyes followed you. You noticed how he made excused to prevent you spending any alone time with Papyrus. It was never extremely obvious, at least not at first. You could even say that maybe he started trusting you more as you grew older, but you knew that was as much of a lie as him saying you were his best friend.
You didn't deserve friends.
You started doing this a few months back, when you passed out and had your most realistic flashback ever. You were in your bedroom, going through your closet. The room spun and your vision went black. You tried blocking out what you remembered, but you couldn't forget the feeling in your chest when your knife slash through skin and bones.
When you came too, there was dried blood on your face from where you slammed your head on the edge of your dresser and the sickly feeling of dust still covering your hands.
Clenching your eyes shut tight, you shake your head, trying to get those thoughts out of your head. They have been haunting you ever since. It was so realistic…
You wake up almost every morning holding your breath, hoping against the odds that Toriel was still alive and well. You only let yourself take a breath of relief after hearing shuffling and humming coming from downstairs.
A sob rips though you, causing you to drop the empty shot glass into the carpeting of your bedroom. You hear footsteps coming up the steps and stop in front of your door.
"Are you alright, my child?" You hiccup and scoop up the glass.
"Y-yes mom! Just tripped over my own feet a little." You hoped your voice wasn't slurring too much. You hear her pause and sigh.
"If you are sure…"
"Don't worry mom." You smile as you hear her sigh again and walk away. You try to pour another shot but your hand was shaking so badly you ended up spilling half of what was let in the bottle all over the desk. It dripped off the desk and soaked into the carpeting.
You let a few tears drip down your face, mostly because you wasted some of your drink, partly because you were a disgusting human being that deserves to be murdered in your sleep. You chug the last of it and tossed the empty bottle in your open closet. You slipped on your boots and grabbed your jacket.
Reaching for the door knob, your drunken mind was so muddled you saw three of the little golden orbs. You swiped at them until your fingers grasped something solid. You burp and scowl at the taste in the back of your mouth.
You stop at the top of the stairs, listening. Not hearing anything, you try to walk quietly down the stairs. In reality you were probably making a racket, but no one came out to stop you. You made it to the front door and had to fight to find the real door knob again.
The warm summer evening wrapped around you. You missed this when you were in the Underground. It was either frozen, wet, or boiling. The breeze blew a lock of hair out from behind your ear, but you just brushed it out of your face and headed towards your second favorite place to be, the first being in the abandoned Underground. It was calming to be in a familiar setting without anyone there to disrupt your thinking, if that's what you could call it.
You saw the familiar sign ahead of you. The fire monster brought the original sign from his bar up to the Aboveground for when he started his business back up again. Grillby was nothing without his bar it seems.
You opened the door and heard a chorus of greetings. It was fairly empty tonight – or rather – this morning. It was almost onr in the morning according to the clock above the pool table. You walked up to the bar in a mostly straight line but when you tried to hoist yourself onto the bar stool your foot slipped and you just barely caught yourself on the bar.
Grillby crackled disapprovingly at you, but you couldn't bring yourself to care very much. You finally managed to sit yourself on the stool and look dazedly around the building. It had the same basic set up, but was much larger. There were booths along both walls, half a dozen tables in the center of the room. There was a Juke box to the left of the bar and a pool table in front of it. It had become very popular with monsters and humans alike in the past months.
"Heeeeey Grillbz." You slurred at the fire monster with a silly smile. "Got any of that-" you hiccup. "That fruity stuff?"
He stared at you in that way he normally does, but even in your haze you could tell if he had facial features he would be raising one eyebrow in a 'you must be joking' kind of way. You sigh and realize he won't give you anymore. He leaned across the bar so he was at the same level as you.
You found the first time you got black out drunk that the best person to talk to about your problems is someone who can't talk. You rest your head on your arms and sigh, trying to think about what you're going to worry about today.
He was so used to the schedule by now that he knew what was coming next. You always did this when you came into the bar stumbling and giggling. It broke his heart to see you so torn apart, especially since he saw you grow up, but there was nothing he could really do other than listen.
"I miss Sansy…" A fiery eyebrow rose slightly, telling you to continue. "I m-miss being around Sans, but not… not this Sans."
Grillby held one slender finger up to tell you to pause before pouring a glass of ice water. He knew your feeling towards room temperature water, and knew if you didn't get any water in you, waking up would be hell. You smile at him and take a sip. It made the taste in your mouth go away a little bit, which was nice. Your mouth tasted like shit.
"I miss the Sans that would h-hold me when I had nightmares… a-and make me laugh when I'm d-depressed. But that Sans never really existed, did he?" Tears began rolling down your face. Grillby handed you a napkin silently. You accepted it with a trembling smile and wiped your face. He waved his hand in a 'please continue' kind of gesture.
"Sans never really liked me… for years I thought he was my f-friend but now I know he just stuck around to keep an eye on me. All those n-nights… he just wanted to make sure I wouldn't do a-anything…" You began sobbing harder, the thoughts a thousand times more potent in your current state of mind.
Grillby tilted his head to the side, to show he was confused. Little pictures formed in the flames dancing around his head. A child shape, a skull and a question mark. You chuckle darkly and shake your head.
"Nah… if he had the choice, I'd be burning in hell." You spit the words out and Grillby flinched at the tone in your voice. He glanced up and flinched again. He quickly picked up a glass and a cloth, habitually cleaning it.
"Kid…" Spinning around, you came face to skull with the exact monster you didn't want to see. Sans had his hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes were pitch black. You felt fear spiking through the alcohol haze.
Sans didn't know what to expect from the day, but he woke up with a weird feeling in his chest. He made his normal morning cup of coffee, but the feeling stayed. He went through his normal routine, but something seemed off. Around midnight he received a call from his favorite goat monster.
Toriel was frantic. Apparently you did it again. He sighed and started walking over to your house. Since breaking the barrier and coming above ground, Sans found out it's harder to access his magic on the surface world, and decided it's better to be physically tired then soul-tired.
This wasn't the first time you've done this. The past month or so have been hell for everyone. You coming home drunk, drinking in your room with the door locked. Toriel tries not to interfere, but it scares the crap out of her. To be honest, it scares the crap out of Sans too.
He was about halfway to the house when he got a second phone call. Toriel as even more frantic. Apparently you stumbled out the door into the night. Again. Last time she tried to confront you herself, you locked the bedroom door for three days. Toriel since realized you were more receptive to the grinning skeleton than a mother figure.
Sans took the news with a heavy heart and used his magic to teleport to where he almost definitely knew you would be. He was willing to deal with the drain of his power later. He teleported right in the middle of the bar, noticing immediately that you were seated over by Grillby. He could hear the slurring in your voice and smell the vodka from where he was standing.
He took a silent step closer to hear what you were saying and felt his soul contract painfully.
"I miss Sansy…" You sounded too broken, so done with life, so… close to how he sounded when he had given up himself. And that scared him most of all. Neither you nor Grillby noticed him standing there, so he took the opportunity to finally figure out what's been bothering you lately. You used to come to him all the time with nightmares and problems, but lately you've been flat out avoiding him, and he needed to know why.
Sans felt his eye sockets widen and the little lights shrink as he listened to your drunken blabbering. He felt his skull whiten as he realized what was really happening.
You were remembering. Not only that, but you believed it was our fault… and believed he hated you…
Back when the barrier was broken, yes. He was a little skeptical of you. He hadn't forgotten what had happened before, with another version of you, but he learned quickly that there was nothing to be worried about. He was only trying to look after you, but it seems he was the one to drive you away in the end.
"…I'd be burning in hell." Sans felt the world stop. The lights in his eyes extinguished and he had to take a deep breath before saying anything.
"Kid…" You spun around to face him, and the horror in your face would definitely be making an appearance in Sans' next nightmare. Grillby was nonchalantly cleaning his glass as if he weren't interested in what was happening, but Sans knew better. He knew the bartender better than anyone in Snowdin. The whole Underground even.
"S-sans!" You almost fall out of your bar stool as you try to make yourself less disheveled looking. He was looking right though you, and you felt a shiver go down your spine. No one said anything, no one wanting to be the first to talk. Finally Sans caved.
"I-" he ran a hand over his skull. "Is that really what you think of me Kid?" You refused to respond. You were afraid to respond.
"Why are you here?" You were sobering up much sooner than you wanted to, but with the blood pumping through your body so fast, you weren't surprised.
"I was worried about you." Sans still hadn't brought the lights back in his eyes. He was lying to you, the alcohol whispered.
"No, really. Why are you here?" Your voice was cold, but the faint slur made it all the more pathetic.
"Because you're scaring the living fuck outta Tori and me."
"…"
"Kid, you can't really think that stuff about me, can you?"
"How much did you hear Sans?" Your voice was trembling with unshed tears. Sans grimaced a little, remembering how seven year old you would call him "Uncle Sansy". Those times were long past it seemed.
"Just about all of it I think." Sans' voice was as cold as the ice melting in your cup. You let a few tears escape and turn back to the bar. Grillby handed you another napkin and you blew your nose. You didn't turn back around.
"Then you know what I think… I need to be alone now I think." You take another sip of your water and thank Grillby. He never charged you for these sessions. You stood and turned, wobbling slightly as you brushed past Sans. He tried to grab your sleeve, but you managed to stumble out of the way at the last second.
You managed to make it all the way back to the Underground, despite being drunk. You walked the silent path to the place you felt the most comfortable in silence. You went through Asgore's castle, down the elevator, down to the River Person. They were one of the few that remained. They said they liked their river just where it was, thank you.
You took the well-worn path through Waterfall, pausing to listen to the music coming from the statue. It never failed to fill you with a sense of awe, even when you were at your worst. You continued walking, ignoring the growing pain in the back of your head and the dryness of the back of your throat. You made it back to Snowdin.
Snowdin was one of your favorite places for many reasons. All sounds were muffled by the snow for one. Two, it was the only area where every single monster left. It was a ghost town now, and that made your chest hurt a little.
You stopped in at the inn, and the shop, and Grillby's to reminisce before heading to your number one destination nine out of ten times. The other one time you just sit with the music statue and listen to it for hours before leaving.
You open the door to the Skeleton's old home. It was almost exactly the same as when the two monsters moved to the surface, except now it was cold and the air smelt stale. You closed the door behind you and walked over to the couch. Curling up under the blanket – the blanket you would always use whenever you slept over their house – you stared at the blank TV. They had cut power down in this area because no one ever came through anymore.
You felt yourself drifting off as the blanket began to warm you. The initial drunkenness was wearing off, leaving you very sleepy. Closing your eyes, you were able to pretend you were back years in the past where everything was still okay.
You woke up to the sound of breathing. You took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scents of home. You smiled, wondering what Papyrus was going to cook this morning. You tried to turn, but the pounding in your head reminded you of what really happened.
Instead of seeing soft lighting and Sans sleeping on the couch with you after a movie, you saw the dust particles dancing in the light coming in from the window and the coldness of the abandoned house.
You hear a snort next to you. Startled, you get ready to scream when you notice who was there. Sans was sitting on his usual half of the couch, his legs up on the table and his hands crossed over his stomach. His mouth hung open a smidge as he snored gently in his sleep.
Immediately on edge, you jump up. Well you try you try to jump up. You really end up falling over and almost slamming your head on the table. The only thing that stopped you from adding a concision to your hangover was a layer of glowing blue magic surrounding you.
Sans hadn't moved, but the lights in his eyes had become lazy pinpricks, his left eye slightly bluer than the other. He lifts your wordlessly and sits you back on the couch. You move over so you're as far away from his as possible. What the hell happened last night?"
You remember getting drunk in your room, and you vaguely remembered going to Grillby's… then something happened and you came here? You shook your head and tried to think harder, just causing your headache to worsen.
"What's up Kiddo?" His voice was low and gravely from sleep. You stare at your hands and don't respond. He tried to reach out to you but stopped when he saw you flinch away.
"Nothing." You mumbled.
"Obviously not nothing if I found you passed out in the abandoned Underground."
"Why did you follow me?" Now your special place was gone. You could never come here alone again because he'll know where you are.
"Because Kid… you said and did some very worrying things last night, and I had to make sure you were okay."
"…'m fine."
"Kid, something is way wrong, and I'd prefer if you told me yourself." Sans watched as you tense up and place a stone mask over your face.
"And if I don't tell you?"
"I'll just ask my good old friend Grillbz for the details. There are definite perks to being one of the only monsters who can understand him." He smirked, but let the smile fade when he saw your face. You finally decided to look at him, your eyes wide and wet, your skin paler then what should probably be healthy, and utter betrayal written on every inch of your face. Sans put his hands up in a surrendering motion and patted the couch next to him. "Fine, fine. I won't ask him… as long as you tell me."
"I don't wanna…" You may be three seconds from violently vomiting, but you were stubborn.
"Is it because you don't trust me anymore? What happened to those nights you would come to me when you had a bad dream? Or when the kids would pick on you in school and we would go get nice cream and complain about things together?"
"They were never real." You looked away again. Sans knew this was coming, but was hoping you would try to be a little less cryptic for once.
"I thought they were pretty real." He said quietly. You barely heard him, but it made you turn to look at him curiously.
"How could you think that? You and I both know what was happening those nights."
"Do we? I think you might have to explain it to me then, because I really don't know what you're talking about."
"You never cared about me! It was always the fate of your friends! And… I can understand that. But it still hurts, you know? I thought we were best friends, but really you were just keeping me away from your brother, your friends. I thought you always watched me because you wanted to keep me safe. I realized that no, you watched me because you needed to make sure I didn't snap and destroy everything we've worked for! I can't believe I was dumb enough to think that you were my friend for all those years…" You were crying, unable to stop the tears. You were still on the far end of the couch, but when you finished speaking his magic yanked you to him.
Though you struggled, his arm wrapped around you. If you weren't hungover and an emotional wreck, you would have felt him trembling slightly.
"Oh Kid… oh no Kid that couldn't be farther from the truth." You look at him in confusion but quickly look away. You didn't want to see the tears gathering in his eyes. You didn't want to believe the lies he would tell you this time. "Alright, maybe at the beginning… it was so new. The outside, the sun, the air. It was all so amazing and new and dangerously delicate.
"I could remember that timeline distinctly at that point, and I didn't want to have to do to it all over again. So yes, I did watch you at the very beginning… but months, even weeks after, I realized there was nothing to worry about. Everyone was free and everyone was safe. You showed no signs of reverting back. I relaxed, and became your best friend for real.
"It was a real honor, you know, to be called your best friend and your Uncle Sansy. And I wish I had your powers, so I could go back and be able to stop this downward spiral you got yourself in… but those powers are what caused this I'm guessing." You nod silently, absorbing what Sans told you.
"I started having flashbacks. They got more and more realistic until I woke up honestly thinking everyone was dead. I don't know what happened after that. I couldn't breathe, my vision turned grey, I couldn't stop crying, my heartbeat was all over the place. I honestly thought I was going to die… and then it just stopped. That's when I heard Toriel downstairs and I knew it was just another flashback." You clench your hands into fists as you remember that day. Sans took his arm from around you in order to run small, comforting circle on your back.
"Sounds like you had a panic attack Kiddo. I wish I could have been there for you… I know how scary those can be, especially when you go through them alone." He let you cry into his shoulder, smiling softly at you.
It wasn't how he wanted things to happen, but you were starting to trust him a little more, and that made his soul pulse with joy. When you were all cried out, Sans let you sit up on your own and wrapped the blanket around your shoulders.
"So tell me. Why Snowdin?"
"It… it reminds me of home. I never really had a family before I fell. My dad would yell at me for everything, and my mom would leave claw marks on my cheek when she slapped me with her expensive nails on. I ran away and fell into the Underground. Everyone took me in immediately. It was such a simpler time back then… Back when everyone was together and close and…" You felt tears stinging your eyes again. "But now everyone went off in their own ways. I haven't seen Undyne or Alphys in months. Mettaton missed my last three birthdays because of concerts. Everyone lives so far away from each other, it's like you purposely wanted to get away from me."
You hadn't meant to say that last part, but he caught it anyway and took your hand in his. It had surprised you as a child to feel the warmth coming from his bones, but now it just brought a painful wave of nostalgia crashing down on you.
"We would never… that's not what happened at all. Undyne and Alphys are doing important medial science for the human world, and Mettaton always comes to visit as soon as his tour is over. No one is purposely trying to avoid you Kiddo. Everyone loves you to the moon and back. That's why everyone is so worried about you. Drinking, isolating yourself, skipping school – yes Toriel knows about you ditching class all the time."
"Sans…"
"Listen to me Kid. Never think we don't care about you. Never think the only reason I stay around is to watch you. The reason I stay around is because my best friend is in trouble and I'm the only one who can rescue them."
"Sans…!"
"No, I'm not done. Those flashbacks, those weren't you. Those were of some demon that possessed your body a billion timelines ago. What they did has zero meaning to who you are as a person today. You can't blame yourself for what happened, because look around. It never really happened did it? Everyone is safe and happy and living on the surface."
"Sans!"
"Almost finished Kid, I promise. As for what you said to Grillby, I was always there for you, and always will be there for you. Me watching you has nothing to do with keeping Papyrus or anyone safe, because I know you love them as much as I do. I watch you because you've grown into such an amazing person. How could not be proud of everything you've accomplished since breaking that damned barrier?"
You try to listen to his speech, but the bile has been rising higher and higher in the back of your throat. You tried getting his attention, but he was too focused. Abandoning the idea of getting his attention, you just stood and ran to the kitchen, leaning over the trash can and letting your stomach empty its contents.
"Oh… so that's what you were trying to say." Sans sounded sheepish behind you, but since your head was in a trashcan, you couldn't see him. A hand held your hair to the side for you and another rubbed your back comfortingly. Once your stomach was empty, Sans went to see if the faucet still worked. Apparently the water supply was not electric.
He handed you a cup of water, and you slowly sipped it as to not upset your stomach anymore. You sat on your edge of the couch, and he sat on his, but in a much more relaxed manner. Closer to how it was back when you lived here.
He tried clicking the television on but sighed when the screen stayed blank. You finished the last sip of water and placed the cup on the table. You wiggled yourself until you were right next to him. He looked at you, slightly surprised for a second before pulling you into a hug. You rested your head on his chest and let his fake breathing lull you to sleep.
You last thought before drifting off was something along the lines of 'this is how it should be.'
Nice long chapter to make up for avoiding writing other chapters! I literally have four chapters started with maybe three sentences for each. It's not that I'm abandoning this story or anything, it's just that nothing feels right yet. I can also tell this chapter doesn't have the same feel as the others, but I want to try to get some variety if possible.
We finally reached over 100 reviews, and I have to say WOW. I never expected this much feedback for any story I ever wrote, never mind a few individual chapters mashed together haphazardly.
Also, I have a 'last chapter' in mind for when I decide to officially close this story. It'll be short, and it'll be sad, but it'll connect parts of all the chapters. I may never actually write it, but I have an idea for it.
If anyone has requested something and I haven't written it yet, do not fret! I have a whole list of them in my phone and I've been writing the ones I have inspiration for at the time. I am hoping to get through all of them before the story is done, but there are just so many good ideas I don't know how long it'll take me!
If anyone has any question, concerns, ideas, etc. please feel free to send me a PM or a review! I like to think I'm fairly good at responding to questions and comments!
Until next time!
~Starlight