Joan: Five years old
"Are you tired yet?" Elsa asked from behind her wall of snow in the ballroom.
"Nope!" Joan called out confidently – despite being perfectly exposed.
"Well, how about….now?!" Elsa popped out, right as she made dozens of snowballs rise in the air – all aimed at her niece.
Joan ran across the ballroom as Elsa's arsenal flew after her. She wasn't aiming to hit her niece – not with every snowball. She just wanted to get her worn out and ready to go to sleep, as Anna and Kristoff asked.
These pre-bedtime snowball fights in the ballroom always tired Joan out eventually. Still, it looked like she was in rare hyperactive form tonight. As Joan stayed upright after getting hit by the last few flying snowballs, Elsa realized she'd have to change tactics.
"Not bad, Joan," Elsa acknowledged. Joan gave a half polite, half mocking curtsy, which fueled Elsa's competitive fire - to coin a phrase. "Let's see if running's all you can do."
With that, Elsa forged another hill of snow right in front of Joan. It wasn't extremely tall, but it was big enough to give a five-year-old trouble. "Climb this and come over to me," Elsa offered.
"Can't I just go around it?" Joan pointed out a loophole.
"I thought that's what tired people did. But be my guest," Elsa baited her.
"Nuh uh!" Joan crowed defiantly, starting the climb up the hill. Elsa looked on, hoping she made the hill tiring enough and safe enough. Yet while Joan looked okay getting up the top, she still didn't look tired. So it was about a three-quarter victory.
"Yay! I'm queen of the mountain!" Joan bragged, to which Elsa couldn't help but chuckle.
"Okay, your highness. Time to tour the neighboring mountain kingdoms," Elsa offered. "Stay there and I'll help you come down."
Elsa figured she would make a snow slide in front of the hill for Joan to slide down. It would do the opposite of making her tired, but she figured Joan earned a little break. Therefore, she shot out a burst of magic that would soon turn into a slide.
Right as Joan jumped off the hill too early.
Right as the magical burst was coming right at her.
"NO!" Elsa heard herself scream, before she could register anything.
Anything other than very familiar dread.
However, a split second before Joan would have collided with the magical energy, it turned into a slide like Elsa wanted. Without seeing anything wrong, or even hearing her aunt's scream, Joan landed on the slide and went down to the ground safely.
"Again, again, again!" Joan cheered obliviously.
The same could not be said of Elsa. Not while she was sitting down in a total trance.
Elsa wasn't even here, really. She barely paid any mind to the fact that her blast missed Joan. She didn't notice her asking for her aunt Elsa. She didn't even notice the guards that came in after her piercing scream.
She was far away from them in spirit. In her mind, it was 21 years ago.
The last time she harmed a five-year-old girl.
"Aunt Elsa?" Elsa barely heard echo in her flashbacks and memories. "Aunt Elsa?" she barely heard as she saw five-year-old Anna's unconscious body. "Aunt Elsa?" she heard a little louder, though not as loud as Grand Pabbie's warnings about her destructive powers.
Destruction that made it necessary for her to go away. And yet here she was, exposed to….
"Aunt Elsa?" Elsa finally heard clearly.
Now she was back in the present, with Joan sitting close by. Far too close.
"Get away!" Elsa called out in panic, crawling a few steps backwards. "Stay back!" she kept ordering before Joan could walk over.
"Aunt Elsa?" Joan asked, more curious and quiet. And worried. Well, why the heck shouldn't she be?
"I said stay back!" Elsa cowered. As it all began to fully sink in, her voice went from panic to quiet desperation, as she pleaded, "I don't want to hurt…."
She couldn't even finish, now that she remembered the last time she said those words. It made her look away from Joan – and land right at Anna and Kristoff, who were now standing at the open doors.
"Anna?" Elsa asked, like she was an eight-year-old child. She couldn't be here. Well, she had to be here to get Joan to safety. But….Elsa couldn't see her. Not after what she almost did to….
Elsa shot up to her feet, looking around for any way out. But to go out the front door would mean going past Anna and Kristoff – and Joan. Seeing no choice, she backed away to the back door, even though it would mean a longer route to her bedroom.
She'd just have to keep it concealed until she got there.
Once Elsa was gone, Anna and Kristoff finally unfroze and ran to their daughter. "Are you all right?" Kristoff asked, checking for any streaks in her daughter's hair.
"Of course she is," Anna frowned slightly at his implication. "What happened, Joanie?" she asked her daughter in a softer tone.
"I don't know," Joan admitted. "I was sliding the slide, then Aunt Elsa started….moving away from me," she tried to sum up. "Where did she go, Mommy?"
"I have a few ideas," Anna said grimly. "But you're sure that's all that happened?" she asked Joan more nicely. "You didn't do something your aunt said not to, right?"
"No!" Joan denied. "Okay….maybe I jumped the hill early, but the slide caught me! Then Aunt Elsa started yelling."
"Then she yelled? After you….but when she….oh…." Anna could piece together the rest. "That's….uh oh."
"Is Aunt Elsa okay?" Joan asked. "Did I make her mad? Is that why she stopped playing?"
"Of course not," Kristoff insisted. "Your aunt….she just remembered some very important business. I'm sure she'll be okay with some – "
"Kristoff," Anna stopped him, with much more authority than usual. "You don't have to cover for her. Or anything else. Believe me…..there are far worse things than telling the truth."
"Yeah, but….you wanna tell this truth? Right now?" Kristoff asked carefully.
"I don't think there's much choice now, is there?" Anna sighed and then turned to Joan, ending the debate right there.
"I wanted to tell you this story in a better way. But this is gonna have to do. We'll probably have to hurry this up, really," Anna admitted, knowing there was little time left to open Elsa's door again. "It's about what happened when I was your age."
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Elsa's bedroom floor, door and walls weren't frozen solid. There was a bit of frost on them, however, and the bed was starting to turn color too. Still, Elsa figured she could sit there for a while longer.
Sitting there was all she could do. Anything else…..she should have known better. She should have known better long, long ago.
It didn't matter that this was her first serious 'incident' since Anna was frozen. It didn't matter that she'd spent the last eight years largely under control. All it took was one accident to make all of that meaningless. Especially this kind of accident.
It was easier to remember now that she missed. This time, Joan was okay.
Never mind how she was one inch away from falling on that blast, before it became a slide. Never mind what could – would – have happened if either one of them were faster, or slower.
Elsa knew first hand what would have happened. What she almost did. What no act of true love could have corrected this time.
She could have killed Anna's baby girl.
No, that wasn't all….
"I could have killed my baby girl…." Elsa muttered, before her tears took over.
She only full on cried for 10 seconds – not enough time for everything around her to freeze. The flurries didn't even coat over before she tried to think straight again. The fact was that she did miss – that meant this wasn't like Anna by default.
Joan was alive. Joan didn't need to see any trolls. Joan had all her memories.
Including the one of her Aunt Elsa cowering from her in fear.
If it was possible, that caused a greater pain inside of Elsa than all the others.
She didn't hurt her niece. But she still did something terrible to her.
She broke her promise.
The one promise she made her before she was born. The one promise she could never make again. No magic, no memory wipe, nothing could cover up Elsa's failure.
She vowed to never be afraid when she was around Joan. To never let her pay for her fear, not even for a second. It was the most important vow she ever made – maybe even more than her vows as Queen. Now she'd broken it beyond repair.
It had been a long time since Elsa had been truly ashamed of who she was. What kind of person she was. The kind of person she was to the people she was supposed to love and protect.
Now, it was like she was picking up right where she left off. Eight years and a family be damned. Of course, it took eight years until Elsa destroyed a five-year-old girl's childhood last time.
It didn't matter if it took 10 years until the next incident, or even 21. But it was her own fault for forgetting that. Nothing new there.
Even the knock on Elsa's door wasn't new either. Wait a second….
"Elsa?" Anna asked from behind the door, after her traditional knock. "We know you're in there. And we know why. All of us do."
"Us?" Elsa found herself asking, before she could get the teary sound out of her voice. Yet it was still loud enough for Anna to hear.
"Yeah, me, Kristoff and Joan. And it's okay that she's here!" Anna thought ahead to say. She thought ahead less when she added, "She knows why you were so upset. She knows what happened when I was five, I told her! And she understands!"
Elsa didn't catch the last part. Not when she was still stuck on the second part.
Not when that second part brought on another sudden feeling. This time it wasn't a sad one.
The gathering storm around her wasn't a sad one, by a longshot.
Anna and Kristoff got a good idea of that when Elsa opened the door. Yet the gust of flurries that met them wasn't nearly as cold as Elsa's face.
"You told her? All of it?!" Elsa accused Anna. "Without asking me?!"
"Were you planning on getting asked anything any time soon?" Anna didn't back down. Somehow.
"Then I'll ask you a question. Did you think your daughter wasn't terrified enough tonight?" Elsa laid into her. "Here's another one. You couldn't have let her deny what I really am for a few more hours? Not even a night?! Okay, your turn!" she frowned deeper.
"She wasn't terrified at all! Not by your magic, anyway! Maybe by the magical return of scared Elsa, if anything!" Anna shot back, matching Elsa's out of hand emotions with a few of her own.
"This is what I get for listening to you. I knew I should have kept my powers from her! At least till she was 10!" Elsa reminded her.
"Aunt Elsa?" Ironically, they both forgot Joan was there too, amidst the storm pouring into the halls.
"At the least, I expected a say when you told her….that!" Elsa kept going as the storm kept going.
"For someone that wants to stay away from our daughter, you're sure telling us a lot about how to raise her!" Kristoff pointed out – then immediately shut up with one icy Elsa glare. The gust of flurries that covered his head did the rest.
"Aunt Elsa?" Joan asked again, way too quiet compared to the sisters and the snow.
"Elsa, you're not throwing away eight years of progress! It's not necessary! She's not scared of you! Just like I wouldn't have been scared either!" Anna argued.
"And look where it got you!" Elsa snapped. "I'm sorry if you don't want anything better for your daughter! Like her not freezing to death once!"
"Aunt Elsa!" Joan had to raise her voice this time.
"What?!" Elsa raised it louder - complete with another gust of snow that almost buried her niece.
Yet when this finally snapped Elsa out of it, the snow stopped and fell right to the ground. As did Elsa's face.
Nevertheless, Joan brushed the snow off her face herself, before going to Elsa without breaking her stride.
Now that she had Elsa's attention – in spite of how sad that attention looked – Joan could say, "We don't gotta play in the snow anymore. I won't ask you if you don't wanna. We can play other games and I won't jump early or nothing."
In spite of all the errors in grammar, Elsa was much more focused on the content. Not that she could believe it. Or stop herself from feeling guilty about it.
"You don't have to do that," Elsa tried to say, although she still sounded too broken. She gathered more strength to add, "This is my fault, not yours. You shouldn't have to give up playing if you don't want to. You love my powers."
All Joan said in return was, "But I love you more."
Those five words were all it took to bring the Queen of Arendelle to her knees. Even the snow on the floor couldn't cushion her. Not like those words.
"You do?" Elsa semi-whispered. She had to have heard it wrong. Right?
Joan knew all about what her aunt did to her mommy. She had to be more aware that her aunt almost hurt her tonight. She knew all the monstrous things Elsa was capable of. And she still loved her?
She didn't know any better. That was it. She was too young to. Anna barely knew better, and she was a mother now! No wonder she passed on….
…..passed on Joan's capacity to love. Passed on how Joan was approaching her dangerous snow queen aunt without fear.
Passed on how the only time Joan looked afraid….was when she thought her aunt Elsa was scared of her. When she thought she wanted nothing to do with her.
When she thought she might lose her. Like her mother did.
"Yeah," Joan actually answered Elsa's question anyway. That one word made Elsa feel as helpless and overwhelmed as her last five. As ashamed, guilty, inadequate….and maybe a few other things.
Elsa kept enough tears out of her eyes to see Joan clearly. See this little girl who knew the worst things about her now, and still loved her. Who was willing to give up something she loved, just so Elsa would feel safe enough not to kick her out of her life. Just like Anna would have done if she ever had the chance.
Elsa never gave her that chance. Neither did her parents. And now she was going to deny it to Joan?
Before she could bring herself to answer that, Elsa felt the absolute need to say, "I love you too." Just in case.
She loved her so much….and she had still considered shutting her out. The guilt and cowardice made it impossible for Elsa to look at her then.
Elsa kept her head down, hoping against hope to keep her tears down. However, she was starting to see how it should be easier than this.
This was her first relapse in eight years, and nothing even happened. Nothing permanent, except Joan learning something she probably had a right to know anyway.
In any case, Joan was healthy and still loved her, and Elsa was willing to bet Anna still loved her too. When she actually thought about it….
….why should anything have to change?
Nevertheless, accepting it in her mind and being able to look Joan in the eye were two different things.
So Joan came to her eyes instead. Yet just when it looked like she was going in for a hug, she paused.
"Can I?" she asked carefully. So carefully that Elsa had her second instant flashback of the night – to herself, before she touched Joan's face for the first time.
But Joan wasn't scared of freezing Elsa with her touch. She wasn't scared at all. At least she wasn't scared, until she thought Elsa might not accept her hug.
That, more than any magic, would have hurt her most of all. And Elsa really needed to learn this lesson twice?
Yet this time, it wasn't 13 years too late. "Of course you can," Elsa made herself say.
Then the second Joan embraced her, everything else came out.
Minutes ago, Elsa didn't think she could touch Joan again. Now she was hugging her with all her might. Fortunately, she'd cried enough that she wasn't doing it with all her might now. Yet it was close.
"I'm so sorry…." Elsa got around to say. But not for the thing she thought she was most sorry for minutes ago. "I'm sorry I ran away. But I'll never hide from you again."
"Even in hide and seek?" Joan asked innocently. That alone made Elsa laugh the most relieved laugh of her life. Or just the last eight years.
"Other than that," Elsa assured. "We'll play hide and seek and anything you want, powers or not. I don't ever want you to be afraid I'll leave you again. Because I won't, I promise. This time I really, really promise."
"Okay," Joan agreed, as simple as that. Maybe she was too young to grasp the full emotion behind that. Yet her simple, untroubled agreement – like it really was a matter of fact – meant the world to Elsa. Just like her niece did.
This made Elsa content to keep holding Joan, pouring her remaining apologies into that hug. She probably owed some to Anna and Kristoff too. But she had more to work off with this hug first.
"Aunt Elsa?" Joan asked after several moments. "I'm getting sweaty."
"Oh!" Elsa gasped, finally freeing Joan. "I must have melted the snow too fast."
"Nah," Joan shrugged off. "You just give the warmest hugs in the world." Dropping her voice, she whispered, "Please don't tell Olaf."
"I won't, I won't," Elsa nearly giggled herself out of control. Still, she felt centered enough to give Joan another normal, warm hug.
How could she think she could ever give this up? If she was going to keep this promise, she had to build an immunity to fear. That meant keeping Joan around as much as possible. Starting tonight.
Since this meant speaking to Anna and Kristoff again, Elsa suddenly felt a little shy. Regardless, this was a good place to start being brave again. "I know I don't have the right," she started, not looking up at her sister and brother-in-law yet. "But if it's somehow okay…."
"We'll pick her up in the morning," Anna assured with a relieved smile. She was going to offer that Joan could spend the night in Elsa's room anyway. She was much happier that Elsa offered first, or tried to.
Now that Elsa was ready to let Joan go, Anna went to her and said, "Do you mind sleeping in Aunt Elsa's room tonight?"
"Nope!" Joan said, bringing much more positive memories for Elsa this time. This helped her get back on her feet as Anna said her goodnights to Joan.
She then noticed there was still snow on Kristoff, and shyly reached to brush it off by hand. Yet he shrugged it off, seeming forgiving enough. As long as Anna and Joan were okay with Elsa, it was always pretty hard – if not suicidal – for Kristoff to hold a grudge with her too.
He just went over to say goodnight to Joan next, leaving Elsa to face Anna. "I really am –" Elsa started.
"We'll talk about it in the morning," Anna stopped her. "We will talk, right? All of us, if we have to?" she warned.
"Of course. The door's always open," Elsa said with risky phrasing.
But when Anna giggled and hugged her, it seemed to have paid off. It paid off further when Anna and Kristoff said good night, let Joan with Elsa in her room – and Elsa felt nothing but content.
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It took another 20 minutes of powerless play time for Joan to finally get tired. Yet before she climbed into bed, she had a request.
"Aunt Elsa? Would….would you read me a story?" Joan asked. Elsa's big smile was enough of an answer.
Although Anna wasn't a big reader – not of respectable books – one of Joan's favorite things was when Elsa read to her. Of all the things Elsa could have passed on to her, loving books was one of the very best outcomes.
She went over to her shelf of Joan-approved books, picked one of her favorites out and got right into bed. Once she settled in, she untucked the left side of her blanket, giving Joan room to jump in and snuggle next to her aunt.
As Elsa got snug and held the book up to start reading, Joan interrupted with another question. "Aunt Elsa? If you stayed in your room for a long time…..did anyone read to you?"
Joan could have asked anything about those 13 years. Starting with this was a nice way to ease Elsa in. Plus it wouldn't be excessively unpleasant to say the answer.
"Sometimes," she recalled. "Whenever I felt safe enough, your Grandmom and Grandpop would read me to sleep. It wasn't all the time, of course. But they were my favorite nights," she shared with a wistful smile. Nevertheless, she felt she owed Joan a fuller truth.
"Otherwise….I spent a lot of nights reading to myself when I was older. I had to so I could be prepared to be Queen. There was nothing else I could really do," Elsa admitted, proud of herself for not sniffling.
"I'm sorry," Joan said, nearly shattering Elsa's no sniffling plan. But not in a sad way.
"It's okay. I like a lot of things in here now," Elsa smiled directly at Joan. "So trust me, I'm okay." When Joan looked satisfied, Elsa moved on by warning, "I don't know if I can say the same about Flynn Rider tonight, though."
Joan gasped, now fully afraid for a fictional, non royal character. Well, in a way, he was royal - but that's a bedtime story Elsa wanted to save for when Joan was older.
She got halfway through this one before Joan fell asleep, her head lying on Elsa's side. Although Elsa was allowed to go to sleep too, she didn't quite yet.
When Elsa read herself to sleep back then, she read it out loud. It distracted her better that way – something had to. But she made sure she wasn't loud enough for Anna to hear and get some wrong, painful ideas. She'd couldn't afford to give her more false hope before crushing it.
However, those days were over. Elsa needed to remember that, so the first half of tonight never happened again. The best reminder of that was sleeping and about to drool next to her.
Another good tactic was to keep reading the book, speaking just quietly enough so Joan wouldn't wake up. This time, it wasn't to keep someone from knocking on her door and asking for a story, though.
This time, Elsa knew she was reading and she wasn't alone. This time, she didn't have to dream she was in a book. This time, when she woke up, she wouldn't feel disappointed that she was back in real life.
This time, when the sky was awake, Elsa and Joan would wake up together. Well, Joan would probably take an extra hour.
Nevertheless, Elsa would give Joan every chance in the world to catch up. There would be no breaking that promise again.