You felt your heart shatter. He said it wasn't your fault. He said it was a because of some personal issues. He said it all over text.
You stare at your phone, shocked that your boyfriend – ex boyfriend – broke up with you over text. You didn't want to cry. You knew this was coming for weeks but refused to be the first to bring it up. He had been acting distant, texting less, seeming less interested in you.
But it still hurt, even if you were ready for it.
The tears came fast and heavy. You had always been a noisy crier, sobbing and sniffling, but for the first time the tears fell silently. You sat in your bathroom, staring at the tile ceiling, letting the tears flow by themselves.
This wasn't like when you were killed down in the Underground. That was a sharp pain and then comfortable darkness. This was… excruciating. You tried to wipe away the tears, but the instant your cheeks were dried, they were soaked again.
A silent sob was the only break in our pain. Your shirt was soaked and your hands were trembling. You reread the conversation over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong. What you did wrong.
A knock came from the door and you whimpered, trying to clear your throat and hide the fact you had been crying for an hour… for hours you realize after checking your phone.
"Y-yeah? I'll be o-out in a second…"
"You okay Kid? You sound like you've been crying." Shit it was Sans.
"I'm fine Sans… just feeling a little sick. That's all." You lie through your teeth, and even though you know you've never been able to lie to him, you pray that maybe this time he would be gullible enough to believe you.
"That sounds like a load of crap." The door handle rattled. "Why's the door locked kid?"
"It's nothing. I'll be out in a second." You quickly wipe the tears from your face and check the mirror. Your face was bright red and your eyes were puffed out so obviously that there was no way you could hide this. Splashing some cold water on your face, you start thinking of excuses.
You breathe deeply and prepare yourself for the worst. You unlock the door with a click and open it to see Sans standing right there, a concerned look on his usually cheery face. He lifted his torso as if about to say something but you waved him off.
"It's nothing Sans. I'm really fine." He was a little put off at the interruption, but refused to let you walk away in such a state.
"Come on Kiddo, I'm not buying into that. Just tell me what's buggin you sweetheart." Sans wrapped an arm around your shoulders and teleported you to his room. He had been doing this since you entered high school, taking you to a safe place so you would feel the most comfortable about talking about your problems.
He sat you down on the bed, which was surprisingly cleaner than his room in the Underground. This one even had sheets and a blanket. He sat next to you and wrapped his arm around your shoulder again, his warmth calming you down a little.
"He broke up with me…" Saying it out loud cut through your chest even more. The gravity of the situation finally fell onto you. You started sobbing again, burying your face in his jacket. His arm tightened around you as you soaked the fabric. He mumbled into your ear, soft comforts that barely registered to you.
"I'm so sorry kid… I know how much he meant to you…"
"He s-said it was cuz the distance but…" You cut off, suddenly finding yourself in dangerous waters. You hoped he didn't catch your slip. He was far too perspective for his own good though, and noticed in a heartbeat.
"But…" He urged you on, but you really didn't want to say that out loud.
"But I think it was because I…I wouldn't have sex with him…" You whispered, your voice rough from your crying. You felt his tense up next to him, his grip on you slackening momentarily before coming back even stronger.
"That…" His eye glowed blue. "That asshole! I swear if I ever see him again I'm going to rip him a new-"
"Sans no!" That was the last thing you wanted to happen. "It's not his fault… I was really reluctant to have sex with him. It's no wonder he got tired of waiting." You sounded so resigned. You knew deep down that you were right, and that made the pain of the rejection hurt that much more. You didn't want to feel this way anymore.
"Kid you better shut the fuck up because there is no possible way this is your fault." Sans took your shoulders in both of his hands and shook you roughly. You refused to look him in the eye.
"Look at me." You continue to ignore him. "Kid, please?" he sounded so sad, and the slight tremor in his voice made you shoot your head up in worry. He had a faint glow in his eyes, almost like tears…
"S-seriously Sans… I know how to take responsibility." You glance away, the feeling of guilt growing even stronger. His arms dropped from yours and he sat back, adjusting his weight so he wasn't touching you.
"If you say so kid… I just worry about ya."
"I know Sans, and I really appreciate it, but I think I just need to be alone right now." You stood up, the bed creaking from the loss of the extra weight. He made a noise as if he wanted to say something but he ended up staying silent. A moment passed as you walked to the door.
"Don't do anything dumb kid. Promise me?" He didn't move from his stop on his bed. You paused at the door, not turning around or looking at him.
"You know how I feel about promises Sans." You felt the same way his did. You didn't wait for him to respond before walking out and closing the door behind you with a soft click.
You wince as the bandage pulls at the cuts on your hip. You fell so far down this path of destruction in the past week. The pain of being dumped needed to be forgotten about somehow, and in your experience this was the most efficient way.
It had never been this bad before. Maybe one a week or so, but for the past seven or eight days – it was all becoming a blur at this point – you needed to do it two, maybe three times a day just to be able to interact with anyone.
You had skipped school the last three days, simply unable to leave the house. Sighing, you adjusted your pants so the bandage wasn't being pulled anymore and slipped on a jacket. You were going to sit outside for a little, than go back inside and sleep for a few more hours.
As you headed up to the roof, you relived the nightmares that have been plaguing you. They were all about him. He would be kissing you, touching you, loving you, then all of a sudden start saying these things that just broke your heart…
"You were never good enough for me."
"You dumb virgin, why would anyone want to fuck you?"
"I never loved you."
"I never loved you."
Bitter tears stung your cheeks as you opened the door. You couldn't stop crying lately. At a drop of a hat they would start dripping from your face without you even meaning too. That last one always cut you deepest.
You sat on the ledge overlooking the street below, picking at a scab on your arm and letting the cold air fill your lungs. It was late fall in the town everyone ended up settling down in. One of the first buildings constructed was a row of apartment like buildings for the more solitary creatures. The only ones that really got their own homes were the skeletons, Toriel, Alphys and Undyne, and the two biggest businesses in town, Grillby's II and Muffet's Bakery.
You were allowed to pick your apartment first, and chose a medium sized one on the top floor. Toriel seemed a little disappointed that you didn't pick the largest one, but you really didn't think you could ever use that much room.
Dangling a foot over the edge, you signed, letting the tears fall down the five floors into the pavement. Usually Sans found you immediately when you were on the roof like this, but lately you had been pushing him away. Pushing everyone away actually.
The amount of excuses you've given in the past week could have filled a book. I'm just tired. I have homework. I'm not feeling well. I don't like that anymore…
Everyone seemed to buy into it, except for Sans. He never seemed to take the hint that you wanted to be left alone. You let a hand dangle over the edge as well, your weight starting to shift slightly. If a breeze came through, you would be flattened.
Just as your weight began to fall even more, you jumped off the ledge back into the roof, swaying a little at the sudden, jarring impact. You felt it creeping back onto you and quickly rushed inside, not wanting to be caught by anyone in such a state.
You made it to your apartment and slammed the doors just as the tears really started pouring. The sobs pushed you back into the bathroom, like the poor, pathetic addict you were.
Pulling out your handy dandy razor blade, you calmed yourself down the only way you cared to know anymore. Your whole leg was a mess of lines, from the knee to the hip. Straight, vertical, crossing others. Some shallow, some probably should have gotten a stitch or two but you didn't care. What you did care about was you were running out of room on your leg. You slashed up the last few clear areas and smiled as you felt your breathing regulate and the tears slow.
Toilet paper in hand, you went about cleaning up the crime scene – for that's what it looked like. Blood everywhere, even splattered on the mirror when you sneezed. Dripping down the side of the tub, seeping into the towel that was left on the ground. Good thing no one came to visit anymore, because it would be hard to explain the bloodstains on almost all of your towels.
You patched yourself up, slightly lightheaded but feeling slightly better than you +did an hour ago. You went back to your room and threw yourself onto the bed, not caring to take your shoes off first. Just as you were about to drift off to sleep, your phone dinged. No one had messaged you in three days. Who could that be?
There's a huge party tonight. Don't worry, Tori and company won't be there, but you will be. I'll be there at seven to pick you up and if you aren't ready you'll be going as is. –Sans
A few seconds later there was a second ding.
Forgot to mention there'll be drinking at this party so hope you're ready to get fucked up! – Sans
Sometimes you forgot what a teen Sans was. His enthusiasm made you smile a little, but the thought of leaving the apartment to go to a party turned you right off.
Well… he said Toriel and the others wouldn't be there to harass you. You glance at the clock and see you have about two hours to get ready. Sighing heavily you decide, why not? You climb out of bed and look through your wardrobe.
You didn't have much in the way of fancy clothing. Most of it was geared towards school and casual life. You had a nice red dress, but it would showcase all your cuts and you wanted to forget for the night, not be fussed over.
In the left side of the closet, between a hoodie and a sweater, there was a dress that had fallen off one half of the hanger and was dangling by one shoulder. It was casual, but also cute. Mid- thigh skirt, maroon lace and half sleeves. It was nice enough for a party, you guessed.
Trying on the dress, you realized this one also showed your cuts, but a pair of black tights would easily cover them and really look nice with this particular dress. You went over to our desk and pulled out your makeup, not having the will power to do too much. Just a little eyeliner, making the wings sharp to prove how fancy you were. Mascara and lipstick and you were just about ready to go. You lazily brushed out your hair and pull it into a half up pony tail.
The clock said 6:07 so you decided to eat something before getting drunk. Last time you drank on an empty stomach you had a seriously bad time the next morning. You just made some toast, seeing how you hadn't gone shopping in eight days… and because you really did want to get drunk as fast as possible.
You flicked on the television, scrolling through the channels until you found some reruns of a show you used to watch as a kid. The dumb kid's joke made you smile a little, but the adult joke that had flown right over your head when you first saw the episode actually made you giggle out loud. First time you've kinda laughed in a week.
At the stroke of seven, the couch sunk down with added weight. You glance over and see Sans, but stop momentarily. He wasn't wearing his normal shorts and jacket. Looked like even Sansy dressed up for this party. He wore jean shorts with a black t-shirt and a flannel. You had to admit, it was a good look on him.
"Ready to go Kiddo?" He wasted no time.
"Why is it the only time you're actually on time is when I don't want to go?"
"It seems like you want to go to me." He looked you over and grinned cheekily at you with a huge wink. You smile a little at his tone. Not much has been very lighthearted in your life lately.
"I figured it would be best to try and forget. Besides, I don't want to be thrown into a room full of people in my pajamas." You give him a semi playful smile. He at least had the decency to look a little sheepish, but he knew you were right. He really would have teleported you no matter what you were wearing.
"Welp let's get going then!" He grabbed your arm and teleported right from your living room.
The party was already in full swing when your feet hit the ground outside of the house. You recognized the neighborhood, so at least you sort of knew where you were. He took your hand and brought you inside, directly to the kitchen. With skilled movements, he poured you a drink and shoved it in your hands.
"Drink up Kiddo! I refuse to let you leave without having a good time!" He shouted over the music. You could barely understand him, but you understood what he wanted you to do. You took a sip and found yourself pleasantly surprised at the taste. You expected something extremely heavy tasting, but it was actually quite good.
He grinned wider as you handed him your empty cup for a refill. He obliged and as soon as the cup was in your hands he dragged you away from the nicely lit kitchen to the dance floor that used to be a back patio.
It wasn't a huge party, like the kind you see in the movies, but there was still a decent amount of party goers. You made sure to stick close to Sans, not wanting to be separated from the shorter skeleton. There were mostly humans, but there were a handful of monsters that were vaguely familiar to you as well.
You finished your second drink, the alcohol making your limbs feel warm. You grin widely and pull Sans over to you. The two of you dance to the music, not able to talk over the noise but simply enjoyed being around one another. It felt like years since you last spent any time with your best friend.
He spin you around and dipped you and bounced along with the music like it was choreographed. Just another thing about Sans that made you smile.
As the night wore on, Sans made you more and more of those drinks, but eventually they started tasting more and more watery. You guessed he was just trying to wean you off of how much alcohol you were consuming.
You sat on the couch, waiting for Sans to come back from the bathroom – someone spilt their drink on him and he went to wash up. The party was still going strong, even though it was nearing one in the morning. You were extremely drunk, and you knew it, but you felt better than ever so you weren't about to complain.
"Hey there hot stuff." Some human sat next to you on the couch. You could smell the weed on him, and the smell mixed with the alcohol in your stomach made you feel a little queasy.
"H-hey."
"You all alone? It's not safe for such a pretty little thing to be alone." He moved closer to you. "Why don't I… keep you company?" His hand slid up your good thigh and you suck in a breath. You've never had this happen to you before, and had no clue how to make him stop.
"I-I'm not alone actually…" You slur out, the feeling of his hand sliding farther up your skirt making you stutter a little. He grinned wickedly at you and tried to move in for a kiss when a blue aura surrounded him.
He suddenly found himself across the room, confused and slightly horny. Sans was standing next to you, a predatory look on his face.
"Hey there bub. Whatcha think you're doing with my friend here?" Somehow his voice carried over the music. People milling around stopped and turned to look at the skeleton, some a little scared, others a little entertained.
"N-nothin man!"
"Nothin's right. Now I'm going to take my friend here and go someplace quiet. You better keep your distance pal." Sans smiled at the guy, but it wasn't a friendly smile. The guy nodded frantically and left the room.
Sans grabbed your wrist and took you outside. He asked you something, but you didn't really process it. He sighed and teleported you back to his room. The sudden silence after being at such a loud party for hours was a little disorienting.
You went to sit on his bed, but ended up stumbling and falling. You braced for impact, but yourself caught up in his arms. He gave you a strange look and helped you up. You laid on his bed, not caring if your skirt rode up a little. You were wearing tights. He sat on the edge by your feet and looked over at you, frowning slightly.
"How ya feelin Kid?" He spoke quietly, which you appreciated. You could already feel a headache forming.
"I'm feelin… drunk." You giggle a little at your own joke, even though it really wasn't a joke. He frowned a little more and moved closer to the middle of the bed.
"I bet you are. That was quite a bit you had to drink tonight." He smirked a little, but if you had been sober you would have noticed the concerned look his eye. "How are you feeling, emotionally?"
"I feel…" This was harder to answer. "I'm very bone-ly." You giggle at the awful pun. Sans had used it for years, so it wasn't even original, but in your state it was the funniest thing ever. He smiled too, but finally comprehended what you said.
"Yeah, I've been feeling a little bone-ly without you around too." He places a hand on your upper arm and rubs it comfortingly.
"I don't miss him, but I miss… I miss the contact I guess…" You had no clue what you were saying. It was all such a blur to you.
"He was so bad for you kid."
"Yeah… I know…" You fell silent and found his eyes with your own. At first he had four of them, but they eventually settled into two. He looked… confused? Hungry? Maybe you should go out to Grillby's if he's hungry. You suddenly craved the feeling of contact, and since you were in no position to make rational decisions you just said the first thing that popped into your head. "Sans… kiss me?"
He looked beyond startled. He actually pulled back from you. The pinpricks in his eyes seemed to shrink in shock. He chuckled nervously and tugged at the collar of his shirt.
"I- now that probably isn't a very good idea kid. You're drunk and just got dumped and I'm not the kind of guy to take advantage of you like that…"
"Sans I want you to kiss me… please? Please kiss me Sans." He refused to make eye contact with you, but you were determined. You wanted this so badly. You sat up and watched the room swirl around you as you moved in. You sat in his lap, trying to get him to look at you.
"Seriously Kid… this is one hell of a bad idea…"
"You're the one who got me drunk."
"Y-yeah but, uh… I'm not going to take advantage-"
"Sans if you don't do it I'm going to walk back to that damn party and find someone who will." You needed this. More than anything. He caved and let you lean in. You happily leaned in and placed a messy kiss on his teeth.
He gave a soft moan and leaned into you as well. The increase of pressure made your heart beat speed up. You wrapped your arms around his neck and placed your knees on either side of his hips so you were straddling him.
Sans tried to say something, but you kissed him again. You didn't want words, you wanted actions. Your hands messed with the collar of his flannel and eagerly worked it off his shoulders. You tossed it up by the pillows and pushed him back so he was leaning on his elbows.
Your vision doubled again, but two blushing skeleton's beneath you was better than one in your book. You kissed him again, letting your hips grind into his a little. He jumped and placed a hand on your shoulder, as if to pushed you off, but ended up wrapped his hand around your neck and pulling you in closer.
"S-sans… bite my neck." You were breathless, but this… this was the best way to forget. You threw your head back as his teeth nipped at your neck. You felt yourself getting wet, and you started getting antsy.
You tugged at his t-shirt and he eagerly lifted it above his head. Tracing the lines of his ribcage, the sounds he made caused you to shiver. His mouth found your neck again, and he moved down lower. He teased the fabric of your dress and you got the hint.
Slipping the dress off over your head was easy, trying not to fall over was the hard part. He caught you with no problem and held you close to him. His fingers trailed over your sides and chest, taking time to gently touch every inch of you. You moaned out loud, despite your 'best' efforts to stay quite.
A sudden, wet appearance made you glance down at him. A glowing tongue poked from his wide grin, the light in his eyes nothing more than aroused pinpricks. You swallowed thickly at the sight and cried out when he went back to praising your body with his mouth. You guided his hands to your chest and let him unhook your bra. You hoped that if you had to pick one thing to remember in the morning, it would be the sound he made when he saw you naked for the first time.
He left nothing untouched, making sure every last inch was covered in love bites. You wanted more, and told him so by grinding your hips into his, the stockings catching on the curve of his bones. He groan into your breast and you felt the vibrations deep in your core.
This felt good. This was fun. Maybe if you had gotten drunk with your ex, he would have stayed-
You stopped moving. The sudden stillness told Sans something was wrong and he looked up at you. The tears were back again, causing your makeup to run down your cheeks like black rivers. The pain was back too, shattering every bone in your chest.
You sobbed into his bare shoulder, the mood totally gone. His shaking hands pulled you from his lap and placed you next to him.
"Hey! Hey listen! You have to calm down. Listen to me, okay? You need to breathe." He talked you through some breathing exercises until your breathing was as close to normal as it could be. He looked at you with concern and a little bit of apprehension.
"S-sans…"
"What happened Kiddo? Was it something I did?" His voice was shaking, from being cut off in such a situation or because of the way you were currently acting, you weren't sure.
"I-if I w-was d-drunk with him… m-maybe he would have l-loved me!" You burst into sobs again, your mind not processing the train of thought very well.
"Oh Kid no, no, no. Don't think like that! If you were drunk with him, he would have just taken advantage of you and left. He was no good, and would have hurt you so badly if you stayed with him. Do you understand?"
"It's all my fault. I wasn't g-good enough for him…" You were inconsolable, your mind a mess of bad thoughts and memories of lingering touches.
"Is that anyway to talk about yourself? Why don't you…" He pulled you close to him again, but not on his lap. Right up next to him so you could lean on him. He handed you his flannel, and you gratefully slipped it on, covering yourself comfortably. "That's better, don't you think?"
"Y-yeah…" You sniffle, all cried out for now.
"Now I need you to listen to me. It's really, really important that you listen to everything I tell you, okay?" He waited for you to respond, so you just nod a fraction and stare straight ahead. "You are not to blame for this. In my opinion, he really fucked up. He's the one who lost an amazing girl, and you're the one who finally managed to knock away all that dead weight.
"You never saw it, but I certainly did, especially when you would come to me after your dates. He was abusing you, Kid." You looked up, startled. There was no way… you would have realized and left if he was abusing you. "You know when he would make you feel guilty when you stopped before he wanted you to? That's emotional abuse.
"The way he made you feel bad for making him stop was completely fucked up, and the first time you told me about it I got really scared for you. That's some serious red flag material Kiddo."
"It wasn't like that though! It really was my fault. He always backed off when I stopped so it's my fault we never went all the way."
"That's some twisted up thinking you got goin on…"
"…"
"Come on Kid, you're going to feel like crap in the morning, so we might as well keep you comfortable now. Here," He hopped off the bed and went over to the closet. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and tossed them at you. Being drunk and emotional, they hit you right in the face, but it make you smile. "Take those tights off and get comfy."
You stand, less sure footed than Sans, and began pulling off the tights. At this point, what did it matter if you changed in front of him? He already saw you half naked.
It didn't occur to you to you that there would be repercussions for that.
"H-hey Kiddo… what the ever loving fuck happened to your leg?" His eyes had gone dark, his tone dead. It took a good three or four seconds to process what he said. When you finally figured it out, you glanced down and saw the massacre that was your thigh.
"Oh…" You had nothing else to say. One of the bandages had bled through and was stained a sickly crimson.
"Oh? Oh? Is that all you really have to say?" He sounded tired and angry, and you felt tired and sad.
"What do you want me to say Sans?"
"Tell me what happened to your damn leg!"
"It calmed me down alright!" You were starting to get mad. You wanted to go back to the kissing and touching and the not talking about this. Your buzz was packing its bags and leaving you.
"What do you mean?" Sans had gone quite.
"When… when my emotions got out of control. When I felt like there was nothing left for me… it gave me something to focus on… something to punish myself with." He was beside you in an instant. Probably teleported the three feet so as not to waste time.
"Kid no, no, no, no. Stop that now. There's nothing to punish yourself for… how long have you been doing this?" He tried to get you to look at him, but you were so focused on putting the pants on, you didn't look up.
"A few years I guess… Started back in high school and never really stopped. Never used to be this bad though." You sit on the bed with your back against the wall, pulling your legs up to your chest. "Maybe once a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I've gone months without doing anything… and now you've seen me at my worst."
"Do you ever think about…" Sans almost didn't want to know the answer. "About, um… you know… k-killing yourself?"
"Do you really want to know?" You tried to keep your voice neutral, but the trembling gave you away instantly.
"I don't want to, no. But I have to know kid."
"Yeah… a lot lately. It's been a constant what if going through my head. What if I take a handful of pills? What if I jump from the roof of the apartments? What if I cut a vein?" You pause to collect your thoughts. "How would people react? Would they care? Would he blame himself, or move on as if nothing ever happened between us?"
"Oh kid…" He wrapped his arms around you tightly, refusing to let go. You tried struggling for a few seconds, but you needed this contact. You let him hold you, and let him cry into your shoulder. You waited until he was calm before pulling away gently.
"I'm sorry I made you kiss me…" Now that your head was clearer, you realized what an awful idea that was.
"Don't apologize Kid. You needed some healthy affection, and I wasn't about to let you run off to some stranger when I'm right here for you."
"Do you… regret it?"
"Kissing you? Gods no! I never liked that guy, but I thought it was just my jealously at first. Then I realized he really was a fuckboy and felt better about hating him."
"… Did you just say Fuckboy?" You couldn't keep the amusement from your voice. He chuckled, the action rumbling deep in your chest.
"Yeah I guess I did. You're rubbing off on me kid."
"Not the only thing I can rub." You gave him a large, suggestive wink, which caused him to burst out laughing. He fell back a little bit and wiped a tear from his eye.
"You're something else, that's for sure."
"Sans?"
"What's up Kid?"
"…Kiss me again?"
"Erm… I'm not sure if that's the best idea right now-"
"Please Sans? I don't want anything more than that. Just… kiss me?" You looked up at him with big eyes, the need for affection stronger than the need for a nap. He took one look into your eyes and caved, leaning in and giving you one of the gentlest kisses you've ever had in your life. Pulling away, he whispered against your lips.
"You won't regret this in the morning, will you?"
"Absolutely not." You whisper back and lean in again. You would never regret kissing Sans.
Why is it whenever I try to write a short two or three page chapter to say 'hey I'm still here don't worry I'm working on an update!" it ends up being one of the longest chapter in the whole story?
This was also based on my personal experiences. The week (Read as months) after my first break up was the worst thing I've ever experiences. My cutting got worse, my depression got worse, and I didn't have anyone to take me to some random party and make out with me to help me realize what an asshole he was. He emotionally abused me, and I didn't realize it until a few months later when my best friend pointed it out to me.
Thank you everyone who reviewed and sent in suggestions! I'm really sorry if I haven't gotten to your suggestion yet, but I'm working on going through all the reviews and messages to make a nice neat list so I can keep track of everything. I'm not a very organized person, as you can tell.
I have half a dozen chapters half written, so this fic ain't over yet!
If anyone has any questions, suggestions, etc. holla at me yo
Until next time!
~Starlight