You were sitting in Waterfall, your feet in the pool of water. You splashed a little, watching the ripples distort your reflection.

You hated this feeling of heaviness in your chest.

You splashes again, letting your mind wonder for a moment. You heard footsteps behind you and you sigh, knowing your alone time was over for now. Sans came over and sat next to you, setting his slippers to the side and dipping his bones into the water.

"You were looking a like bone-ly sitting over here all alone, so I thought I would spend some time with my favorite human."

"Sans you've used that pun at least a thousand times already…"

"But you still smile every time I use it." Sans' voice was laughing, even if his face was the same as always. You grin ruefully. He caught you.

"Yeah, I do…"

"So Kiddo, what seems to have you down in the dumps today?" He tried sounding casual, but still had a slight "dad" tone in his voice. You cringed a little, realizing that you worried him with your behavior again.

"Nothing really. Just needed some me-time." You say it lightly, hoping he won't press you for details.

"You've seemed pretty down lately. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you." He smiled and ruffled your hair. You can't hold back a small giggle.

"What could be wrong? Everything is literally perfect. I have a loving family, friends that care about me, food and shelter. I even have a job at Grillby's if I ever feel the need to work. I have all the education I could want at the fingertips. I have everything a girl could as for…" Why were you crying? Why wouldn't the tears stop?

"But something's still missing, am I right?" Sans just pulled a napkin from his hoodie pocket and handed it to you, as if bursting into tears was a normal thing.

"But I don't know what. I feel like there's a hole in my chest, but I don't know why!"

"Let me go out on a limb here, kid. Sometimes your chest hurts, but sometimes it's really numb, right? And when someone makes certain offhand comments, you want to throw up?" His eye sockets had gone dark, and you were afraid. You were afraid because he was exactly right, and that meant he knew exactly what was going on with you.

"Sans…" You didn't want him to feel this way.

"But hey! I'm just guessing. I could be way off." His grin was back to normal, his eye lights as bright as ever. He started kicking his feet with what seemed to be forced happiness.

"Erm… kinda." His eye sockets narrowed so marginally, you weren't sure if you just imagined it all together.

"Hmm that sounds like quite the predicament Kiddo." He stood, his knees cracking. He chuckled at the sounds and grabbed his slippers. "I'm getting' too old for this."

"You don't age Sans." You didn't stand. You kept gently splashing in the water.

"Oh yeah. Forgot about that." He chuckled again and started walking away. "Don't be late for dinner Kid. Pap'll burst a brain vessel if we miss another 'family dinner'…"

"Don't worry. I'll head home soon." You heard him whistle as he walked away, the tune getting softer and more out of tune the farther away he got.

You sighed, the feeling in your chest growing more painful. You didn't want to admit it, but part of you wanted to end this. You deserved it, anyway. You were ungrateful. And lazy. And sloppy. And stupid. And worthless and pathetic and unlovable and a waste of space and-

You cut off your train of thought, not wanting to revisit that bad place again. You stood and scooped up your sneakers, not wanting to put the shoes on while your feet were still wet. Not caring if you cut the bottom of your feet, you made your way back to Snowdin.

Papyrus had tried something new today. He knew how much you and Sans adored the burgers at Grilby's, but couldn't stand the taste of them himself, so he decided to compromise. He found a human cookbook a few weeks ago in the dump and decided to improve his cooking skills to surprise Undyne. At this rate, you expect the fish soldier to be coming over to take lessons from Papyrus in no time at all.

He had tried making his own versions of hamburgers, but with special meat. You took a bite and would have put your money on turkey, but you had no idea where he would have gotten turkey meat from, and honestly didn't want to find out.

Dinner was a silent affair, Papyrus the only one trying to make any conversation. Sans was the first to excuse himself, placing his half-eaten burger on the counter and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge before going up to his room.

Papyrus tried starting another conversation, but your heart just wasn't in it. He gave up with a sigh and placed his empty plate in the sink.

"If you ever need a friend to listen to you, dear Human. Please. My door is always open to you." He left the house, slightly more dejected than usual. You felt the guilt drive a stake through your heart as you stared at your plate. There was no way you could eat anymore right now.

Following Sans' suit, you placed your plate on the counter and went to the room they added onto the house when you decided to stay in Snowdin,

It wasn't anything big or extravagant. It was a simple bed, pushed up against the wall, a desk and a closet with a mirror bolted to the door. You lay on your bed, not sure why you were so tired and sad all of a sudden.

You let a few tears escape before you burry your head in your pillow and sob. You found yourself crying into your pillow most nights, just letting the emotions out in the least harmful way possible.

Why were you feeling this way? You gave a frustrated scream and punch the mattress.

"You okay in there kid?" Sans knocked on your door gently. You wanted to scream at him to leave you alone, or tell him everything is fine, but all you can do is let out a choked sob. He took it as a cue to come in and looked at you with a sad expression. "Oh Kiddo…"

Sans walked over to the bed and wrapped his arms around you. He held you close to his chest, letting you cry into his jacket. You were so thankful that he didn't push you to talk about what was wrong, because you weren't sure what you would have told him.

You found yourself drifting off, and you really hoped you would be able to sleep through the night for once. Just as you fell asleep, you barely caught what Sans said.

"Don't leave me…"

When you woke up, the bed was empty. The blankets were cold, making it clear Sans had left long, long ago. His unusual warmth usually kept the blankets warm for hours.

Stretching and groaning a little, you swung your legs over the edge of the mattress. The floor was cold, making you scramble for your socks. You slipped on a sweatshirt and rubbed your eyes sleepily.

Heading to the kitchen, you saw Undyne snoozing on the couch. You raised a questioning eyebrow and looked at Papyrus, who was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Good morning dear Human. Oh, Undyne?" He chuckled tiredly. "She, erm, burnt her house down again and asked to 'crash' on the couch for the night."

"Did you get any sleep last night Pap?" You were concerned for your friend's health. Somehow, it seemed like he had dark shadows on the bone under his eye sockets.

"Erm… a little bit? But someone a great as I does not sleep!" He tried to pick up his chipper tone, but it was obvious he was exhausted.

"Papyrus, is something wrong?" You sat across from him, whispering so as not to wake your house guest.

"I… I am worried for my brother, Human. He… used to act like this long ago, back when he worked in the labs with Alphys. He-" Papyrus started tearing up. It scared you to see the usually outgoing skeleton cry. "He was not good to himself, back then.

"He would sleep all day, or cry. He wouldn't eat anything or leave the house. He wouldn't respond to the puns I made, not even a smile. One day… he just left the house and walked to Hotlands. I followed him, ever vigilant and caring.

"He… oh goodness Human." Big, hot tears plopped onto the wooden table. "M-my brother tried to throw himself into the lava… I just barely made it in time to save h-him…"

Papyrus was quietly crying, the thought of what might have happened too much for the poor skeleton. You were staring at him in fear. Sans tried to…?

"Hey punk. Stop crying… you saved him and now everything's okay." Undyne had woken up and moved to comfort her friend.

"I know Undyne but… he's starting to act like that again and I'm so afraid… I do not know what I would do if my brother left me…" Papyrus wiped his tears away and sighed heavily. What he said reminded you of what Sans said to you right as you fell asleep. Don't leave me…

"We'll keep an eye on him, won't we punk?" Undyne was addressing you this time. You nodded solemnly, afraid for your best friend.

"Papyrus… did he ever say what made him feel that way?" You dreaded the answer.

"He said there was no reason, that he just felt sad all the time." That's what you were afraid of… that means he went through what you're going through.

He's going through what you're going through.

You needed to find him, but how would you talk to him about it?

Sans was walking through Waterfall, watching the bridge flowers float through the currents. He let his eye lights fade and let out a sigh.

The fact the human was feeling these things… the thought made his chest ache. No one should feel this way. His thoughts drifted back to when Papyrus found out he was suicidal… He flinched at the word, suicidal. It took him months to admit he had a problem.

"Brother! Please! Oh god Sans please step away from the edge!" Papyrus ran at his brother at full force, but he was still afraid he wouldn't make it in time. Sans turned around to face his brother with the deadest expression Papyrus had ever seen.

"Go away Pap… Let me do this." Sans' voice was hollow. A blue tear dripped onto the ground and fizzled as it struck the hot ground.

"There is no way I'm going to let you do this! You cannot leave me brother! You're all I have left…" Papyrus' voice dwindled, his fear closing his throat.

"I'm sorry Pap…" Sans turned back towards the edge of the walkway. He took a step and let himself fall, only to be caught by dark blue magic.

Papyrus had one arm outstretched, his own magic surrounding his hand. Sans went limp, knowing it was too late. There was no way Papyrus would let him die…

Let him kill himself.

Papyrus lifted his brother back onto the platform and gently dropped him onto the ground. Sans was sobbing, trying to crawl back over to the edge of the walkway. Papyrus trapped his brother in place with his magic.

"Bro… bro please…. Papyrus… I need this. I can't do this anymore… p-please let me go…" Sans was inconsolable, sobbing and mumbling incoherently.

"Oh brother… I will never let you go." Papyrus knelt next to Sans and wrapped his long arms around his brother, holding him close to his chest. "You are all I have left…"

Sans cried himself out then, falling asleep in his brother's arms. When he woke up again, he was in Pap's racecar bed, wrapped up tight in the blankets. Papyrus didn't let the shorter skeleton out of his sight for even a second for several weeks, and even after that Sans was constantly surrounded by people. He wasn't allowed to be alone for months.

Sans shook his head like a dog, trying to clear the thoughts rattling around in his skull. Maybe he should just sit you down and start talking.

He sighed again. He wasn't meant for this kind of thing. Sans looked over the edge of the water and saw the waterfall, wondering how painful it would be to get swept away in the currents and be slammed into the rocks below.

Sans pulled away and wiped his face with the back of his hand. No… no more of that. He teleported back home to see you, Papyrus and Undyne sitting at the kitchen table, looking grim. He pasted a smile to his face and walked over to the group.

"Why the long faces?" He said with practiced ease.

"Sans…" Papyrus sounded as if he was talking to some poisonous animal.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." He made a ba-dum tiss with his mouth as he rummaged through the fridge.

"Are you going to try to kill yourself again?" Everyone froze. Sans' hand was out, reaching for a can of soda. You, staring at Sans intensely. Undyne, looking anywhere but the shorter skeleton. Papyrus, eyes tearing up again.

"Pap…"

"Please brother, do not coddle me about this. I am worried about your safety." The kitchen went silent. Sans held the can so tight, the metal caved under his fingers. He gave a shuddering laugh and looked at you, his eye sockets dark.

"Why don't you ask our dear friend here." He used his powers to pull you close.

"Are you gonna off yourself kid?" The silence was painful.

"Human…"

"Punk…" Papyrus and Undyne looked at you, both with looks of absolute betrayal. You couldn't look anyone in the eye without wanting to throw up.

"Sans that's ridiculous." If only your voice was as strong as your alibi. He looked slightly shocked that he threw you under the bus like that. With an apologetic smile, he teleported away, leaving you in the kitchen with two worried monsters.

"Human, what did Sans mean by that?" Papyrus sounded like a child begging for the existence of Santa to be confirmed.

"Erm…" You fidgeted with the sleeves of your shirt, giggling hysterically. "N-nothing Pap…"

"Human. If you are having thought of ending your own life, you must tell me right now." Papyrus had never sounded so serious in the entire time you had known him.

"I…" You didn't know what to say. "I would never act on the thoughts, if that counts for anything." You couldn't face them, they were sure to be disappointed in you.

"Oh human…" Papyrus sounded close to tears. He pulled you into a hug and cried into your shoulder. You managed to keep your composure until a scaly arm wrapped around you too, extra salty tears dripping into your hair.

You lost it. You began to sob. The weight in your chest felt like it was on fire but you felt something else. You felt… relieved.

"I'm sorry guys…" You mutter.

"Don't be punk. Just as long as you stay here with all of us."

Sans was sitting in his room, door locked tight. He was sitting on the bed, knees pulled up to his chest, rocking back and forward trying to keep his composure.

"That can't happen again… not again…" He was whispering to the empty room. He couldn't do it.

It wasn't as bad as before, that much was certain. He wasn't about to throw himself into the lava just yet, but this was definitely on the right track. He shuttered at the thought and let more tears leak down his face.

He never wanted to feel this way again. He was getting better… he was BETTER! But not enough apparently… his head was throbbing but he couldn't leave his room to get painkillers because he would be cornered again.

He could hear a conversation from downstairs. They must have cornered you and made you talk, just like they did with him.

Sans shook his head, pitying everyone right now. No one was in a good position.

"Sans?" A knock came from the door. Sans looked over at the door and saw your toes peeking through the bottom of the door. He made sure the door was locked and hid his face under his pillow.

"Go away Kiddo." His voice was muffled.

"Please open the door… I really need to talk to someone…"

"Find Papyrus."

"I need to talk to you." You were persistent, he would give you that. Determined, to say the least.

"…Fine." He unlocked the door with a hesitant wave of a hand. You heard the click and opened the door. You saw him curled up on the bed, hiding under his pillow. You made your way over to the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress before moving to lay next to him.

Sans moved a little, and seemed surprised to see you next to him.

"How long did you know?" You asked, knowing he would understand.

"A while, I guess… as soon as you started acting off I knew something was wrong."

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"I would have had to admit I went through the same thing."

You were silent for a moment, just listening to the sounds of you and Sans' breathing. It was nice, the bed was warm and you were just comfortable next to him, but you had to push on.

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret trying to do it? Or regret not succeeding?"

"Both?" You weren't sure which answer you were more afraid to hear.

"Part of me regrets ever putting Pap through that, but the other part of me wishes he had been a minute later…"

"What triggered it?" You were afraid of pushing the boundaries, but you couldn't keep the words in.

"I guess it just was all piled on me… Pap calling me lazy all the time when I honestly couldn't get the motivation to move. Grillby kept trying to make me talk, and even though they were trying to be helpful, everyone kept smothering me… I just snapped one day. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to make it all stop, so I picked the quickest way to go. Lava. Without Pap, I wouldn't be here right now… I would have killed myself years ago without him…"

"Would they be upset if I died?" Your voice was so soft, you could barely hear it yourself. He sat up quickly and looked at you incredulously.

"Upset? Kid they would be devastated!" He looked at you until you had to look away. "Papyrus, Alphys, Toriel… me. Where would we be without you? I don't…"

"Sans are you-?" You saw tears running down his face.

"I don't know if I would be able to keep my promise to Pap if you went and offed yourself. I don't think I could manage someone I loved killing themselves…"

You wrap your arms around him and let him cry into your shoulder.

"Man… we're all just a bunch of crybabies tonight." You say with a watery chuckle. He laughed too, sniffling more than laughing but the idea was there.

"What's with it with us wanting to off ourselves?"

"We're all kinds of messed up." You smile at Sans and watch his small smile fade away.

"Yeah… we are, aren't we...?"

"What are we going to do now?" You didn't know what was going to happen.

"I guess we just… live. We learn cope and keep going…" Sans sighed and lied down on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Keep living… That sound tough." You wanted to cry again. His hand found yours and gave it a light squeeze.

"Yeah well… we have each other, and Pap, and everyone else I guess. We're not alone."

"Not alone…" You said, more to yourself than to Sans.

"Yep." He smiled at you, this time more genuine. "We're not alone anymore."

So this'll be the last update before Christmas. It's not as good at the last two updates, but the idea that Sans is suicidal really struck a chord with me for some reason.

Being suicidal is beyond scary. It's in my top five scariest things to experience, a full out panic attack at number one. If someone you know makes offhand comments about ending their lives, maybe you should listen a little harder. You never know who's hiding hurt behind jokes.

Merry Christmas, happy Yule, happy holidays! I hope you have a wonderful holiday break, get to spend some quality time with your family and get that thing you've always wanted.

Until next time!

~Starlight