Warning: Graphic depictions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, detailed images of medication overdose and unsettling description of other things.

What was the point?

You wondered why you were still here, in this house with the people who didn't deserve the burden of taking care of you.

You wished you could remove that burden from them, but you knew you were too much of a coward to do anything.

You stared at the items you gathered in front of you. The noose, fashioned out of the belt Mettaton bought you for your last birthday. You told him you didn't want anything, but he insisted. When you found out how much it cost, you felt awful. He spent so much on someone who means nothing, has no purpose.

You could never hang yourself. Too showy, too slow if done wrong, and the possibility of messing up too high.

You look at the knife. Undyne had given it to you when you told her you didn't know how to defend yourself. She spent weeks teaching you how to fight in close quarters, how to throw the knife with accuracy, even how to do things to survive with it.

You could never bleed out. It was too messy, leaving too much to the skeleton's to clean up afterwards. Plus you would be more likely to wuss out from the pain.

You eyed the bottle of sleeping pills. Papyrus had insisted you got some from Alphys, when your insomnia left you awake until sunrise every night. You were really grateful that he cared, but soon decided you'd rather stay away than depend on drugs.

You could never…

You eyed the pills again.

You could do it. Just a handful or two. That's all it would take, for someone like you.

You had a few hours before anyone was supposed to be home. Papyrus was meeting with Asgore, discussing something. He thought it was about finally joining the royal guard, but you didn't have the heart to tell his it was probably something to do with the King's flowers.

Sans was at Grillby's, lending a helping hand to the bar tender since business started picking up. Sans really was charismatic when he wanted to be. The customers loved him, but he ended up entertaining more than serving.

The clocked chimed noon.

You hadn't eaten anything since the day before, so the pills would kick in sooner.

You dumped the little white pills onto your bed. There were easily thirty of them. Enough to last a month, at the least. Stalling for time, you started sorting them into little piles so you could take them at intervals.

Looking at your piles, you realized you should leave a note or something, to give everyone some kind of closure. Give them a reason not to hate you.

Pulling out your notepad, you began to write.

Dear everyone-

I wish I could say I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm really sorry or is leaving you a mess to clean up. I know this was one of the easiest ways, but I know it'll leave a mess.

This wasn't anyone's fault, I swear. I am the only one to blame in this situation. I am the burden on all of your lives.

I guess 'was' would fit better, at this point.

There are going to be things that I miss, like dinner with Papyrus, nap time with Sans, movie night at Alphys', singing with Mettaton and training with Alphys. Cooking with mom, gardening with dad. I'm going to miss everyone, but this really is for the best.

Though you don't know it now, maybe some of you actually noticed. I am the biggest burden down here. I'm worthless. I can't fight, not really. I can't do anything that would make anyone's life better. I am worthless.

I've always been bad at goodbyes. It's always been 'until next time" but now… I don't know where I'll go, and I don't know where monsters go after they die, but I doubt it'll be the same place. All I can do is hope you remember me as something… not complexly awful.

Never doubt that I loved each and every one of you.

You shakily signed your name at the bottom. You realized you would need something to choke the pills down with. Since it was your last day, you might as well treat yourself a little. You smiled faintly at the thought.

Going to your bed, you pulled out the little pouch from under your mattress. You had saved up a decent amount of gold from various odd jobs. There was at least 200g there. Pocketing the gold, you made your way to Grillby's.

Muffet expanded, selling her products at businesses across the Underground. Grillby was known for serving hot spider cider, something you had become quite fond of.

Grillby waved at you as the bell above the door dinged. You found yourself smiling automatically, but it felt fake on your face.

"Are you okay?" He asked you, cocking his head slightly to the left in concern. You waved him off with a slightly less fake smile.

"Just tired Grillbz. Gonna grab some cider and… take a nap." Your smile turns bitter, but as soon as if comes it's gone. Hopefully he didn't notice.

But someone else did.

Grillby nodded and called over to Sans, asking to get you some cider. He still doesn't mess with liquids, but since Sans started working he was able to sell them.

"Oh hey there kiddo. You look a bit down in the dumps." Sans grinned lazily as he slid a glass of cider to you. You caught the sliding glass in one hand and take a small sip. The warmth filled you, clearing your head a little.

"Just tired Sans. I might be coming down with some kind of monster cold." You joked. Sans chuckled, but it sounded off somehow. You didn't push it.

You sat in relative silence, taking in the warmth of the building and the buzz from the patrons of the bar. You had to enjoy it, you told yourself. This was the last time you would see any of them. The thought made your chest ache, but you knew it was for the best.

"Could I get a cider to go? I have some… work to do at home and I could use some to keep me going." You tripped up a little, but covered it easy enough. Sans glanced at you from the corner of his eye socket and nodded.

"Alright kid. Hold on a sec." He said. If you didn't know any better, you'd say his voice was hollow sounding. You brushed off the thought. It was just Sans being Sans after all. He came back soon enough, a large hot cup filled with steaming cider. He had put a plastic lid on the cup to keep it from spilling.

"Thanks Sans." You took the cup and dug in your pocket for your coins.

"I'll see you at home, okay?" He said, caution coloring his tone. You froze, your knees locking.

"Good bye Sans." You whisper, giving your final farewells to one of your closet friends. He pulled back as if you had cursed him out but didn't say anything. You tossed three times the amount of owed gold onto the bar and walked out.

The walk back to the house was a long one. You were taking your sweet old time getting back, taking in the sights one last time.

Feeling the snow melt on your cheeks one last time.

Feeling the wind rustle your hair one last time.

See the lights on the tree twinkle through the falling flakes one last time.

You made it to the front door far too soon. Opening it, the empty house greeted you fondly. You recalled all the good times you had in this house with all your friends…

You shook your head. It was too late for you. You needed to do this.

Needed to spare them from you.

You trudged upstairs, both hands around the hot cup. Your bedroom door was still open, the piles of pills neatly heaped on your bedspread.

You remembered picking this bedspread out. You reminisced as you sat down and smoothed some of the wrinkles. You and Papyrus had gone on a shopping spree shortly after you came to live with them. The King had provided you plenty of gold, but after that initial shopping trip you refused to accept any more free gold from the monster.

The purple, blue and green pattern reminded you of a painting you made when you were younger, the haphazard squares forming a fun pattern. Papyrus wanted you to get the one with the racecar on the top, but you convinced him to make it for himself.

You smiled at the memory, your stomach dropping painfully.

You frowned and took the first pile of pills into your hand. Taking a deep breath, you found yourself surprisingly calm. You thought you would be shaking, or crying, or something, but no. You were completely calm as you lifted those little white pills to your mouth.

The first swallow was the hardest. The pills caught in the back of your throat, making you gag a little. You took a few big gulps of cider to clear your esophagus. After that it was a little easier. You had six piles to start, five in each.

By pile three, you were feeling full but you knew you had to keep pushing. You thought of something and tried to quickly walk over to your desk. The pills hadn't quite taken effect yet, but you were quickly starting to feel tired and dizzy.

You stumbled, catching your thigh on the edge of your desk. You let out a surprised yelp, covering your mouth soon after. You didn't want to attract attention from anyone outside. You didn't need someone trying to do something stupid, like try to save you.

You grabbed the note and folded it neatly in half. Using the last of your mental clarity, you went downstairs and left it on the kitchen table, right where it would be seen the instant someone walked in the door.

Back at your bed, you took your fourth pile in your hand. Mentally, you tallied how many you already took. Five per pile, three piles… your head was spinning faster. You could feel acid rising at the back of your throat, making you want to throw up.

Fifteen pills so far.

Five more tossed back and choked down.

Your vision was starting to blur a little. You wouldn't have been able to read your note if you tried.

Your trembling had reached out to pick up pile number five when it was suddenly smacked to the side. Looking up lethargically, you saw two large black circles on a white background. There was another shape, but it was upside down.

"What the fuck are you-" Sans started yelling, but he could tell it didn't matter. You started convulsing, spit gathering at the corners of your mouth. He tried shaking you, but your eyes just started to roll back into your head. His voice was just a faint echo, getting more and more desperate.

You felt something forced between your lips and down your throat. Something cold and hard, was all you could distinguish. Your revolting stomach was more than willing to empty itself when whatever went into your mouth shoved far down your throat.

Sitting upright, your threw up on the bed, mostly intact pills, slimy from the partial digestion and stomach acid, mixed with acidic cider soaking into the blanket.

The things pulled from your mouth, only to be replaced again a second later. They went farther down your throat, making you throw up again. They did it again and again, until you were only heaving. There was nothing left in you.

Blearily looking over, you finally connected the shapes. It was Sans, your best friend, staring at you with a mix of desperation and heart break. He held his pointer and middle fingers out away from his body, the digits slimy and coated in something thick.

"S-sans…" You groaned, your throat burning painfully. He just blinked at you and moved close. Looking at your ruined bedcover, he wiped his fingers off and picked you up with ease. His left arm behind your back, his right under your knees.

Instantly, you were down the hall in his own room. He placed you on his bed and took a step back. He took a deep breath before exploding.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing? I knew something was off when you came into Grillby's but never in a million years would I have thought I would come home to see you choking back pills! What the hell?" Tears were streaming down his face. "When I saw that note I didn't know what to expect but as soon as I read it I thought I was going to be too late."

You just watched him rant through half lidded eyes.

"And I almost was too late! I almost lost you. You almost killed yourself. How could you do this to us? How could you leave me like this? What the-" He couldn't even keep talking. He gave a frustrated scream and kicked the wall, smashing a hole in the drywall.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, your eyes feeling heavy. He was at your side in an instant. Suddenly, you were more awake, clutching your stinging cheek.

Sans' hand was still in the air, your head looking over from when he slapped you. You stared at the mattress in shock as you felt your skin warm up under your fingers. Sans seemed to snap out of his freeze and took a step back.

"Sorry, but you can't go to sleep. Not until I'm sure you're not going to die." He said, his voice shaking slightly.

"Why did you stop me?" You asked, your throat burning unbearable with each syllable.

"Why did I-?" It was if you slapped him. "Because I fuckin love you! You're my best friend in the whole Underground, next to Papyrus. How could even think, for one second, that it wouldn't tear me apart to lose you?" He asked, getting hysterical again.

"Sans-"

"No! You're not allowed to talk! Why… why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way? Did you not trust me? Kid… I had no clue you felt this bad…" He was practically clawing at his face from the fear clenching his soul. "You're always smiling and laughing and helping others. Never in a millions years would I have guessed…" He was talking more to himself than to you. You felt tears run down your face. You never realized he would take it this badly.

"I'm sorry…" You hiccupped.

"You better be!" He practically screamed, tears splashing off his cheek bones onto your arms. He hastily wiped his face and turned away. "I-I'm sorry for yelling Kiddo… you just. Oh god I've never been so scared in my life…" He shuttered and took another step away from you.

"…"

"I thought I was going to lose you. I didn't think I would be able to get you to throw up those pills in time… I've never actually seen a human die before, and the thought that you'd be the first makes me want to barf." He finally turned back to you. "Do you get it? I – no, everyone down here, would be nothing without you. You've brought us all together, Undyne and Alphys, Tori and Asgore. Hell, even Paps and I have become closer since you came to stay with us…" He dropped his hands to his sides, almost like in defeat.

"I didn't think…" You trailed off, not sure what to say anymore.

"What? Didn't think we would care if you left? Didn't think we wouldn't go crazy without you?" He spit the questions at you. You flinched away from the venom in his tone, and he noticed. His face visibly softened as he came to sit next to you on the bed. "God… I'm so sorry kiddo. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, that I didn't notice this sooner… I could have prevented all of this if I had just paid attention…" He berated himself, shaking his head and letting another tear slip out of his darkening eye sockets.

"I did a pretty good job hiding it." You said, a hint of a smile on your face. He looked at up your almost joking tone and scowled.

"But why did you hide it? I could have been there for you, could have helped you through this. Instead you just…" He trailed off, not needing to recount what just happened.

"I was scared…" You managed to admit, after five minutes of silence. You heard him suck in a breath and mused the thought that he didn't have lungs before your inner ramblings were cut off by his words.

"So was I." He whispered, his voice betraying how broken he really was.

"I thought you would think I was pathetic…" You whispered, even quieter. He huffed and shuffled. Glancing over, you saw him pull a piece of paper from his hoodie pocket. With a jolt, you realized it was your suicide note.

"A burden, worthless… all this bullshit. You really believe this?" He asked, his tone hiding how he really felt. Betrayed, hurt, scared, confused…

"I guess." You've never sounded so insecure, not around Sans at least.

"You guess?"

"Yeah… I've never really been able to contribute anything to the Underground. I just kinda… hang around. Like a kid sibling that's only allowed around because mom would get mad if you excluded. I never really fit in down here. That's been made clear since minute three. I never belonged up there, with the other humans, and I never belonged down here, with the monsters." You finally cut off your rant. Your voice had been inching up louder and louder with every word. You were practically screaming now. Any passerby could have heard.

"First of all, bullshit. You've contributed to the Underground plenty. Even if it wasn't physically, like building shit or anything. You've contributed joy and companionship and love – the good kind – to literally everything down here. Even that dumb old statue in Waterfall. Ya gave it an umbrella so it could play again. No one thought to do that but you." He wiped a tear from your cheek.

"Secondly, our lives have never been the same since you got down here. You are the sun in our caves kiddo. You may not have belonged with humans, but you fit right in down here. I've never seen someone flourish so much in such a short amount of time. I remember when I first saw you, shaking and crying and bruised. You looked so small. But look at you now. You've gotten so big, so grown up. When did that happen?" He chuckled weakly before continuing. "What I'm trying to say is, you belong here more than half the monsters already down here."

"That doesn't sound quite right." You gave a watery chuckle and shook your head to clear your head.

"You don't sound quite right." He nudged you with his shoulder, causing you to laugh a little louder, a little more genuinely. "That sounds better. You have such a great laugh."

"Sans… I really messed up didn't I?" You instantly sombered, realizing you just made a thousand more problems for yourself and our friends.

"Yeah, but I'm here to help you clean up the pieces." His grinned at you, genuine support and love clear on his face.

Though the pain in your stomach and throat haven't gone away, you felt something else.

Determination to live.

"Come on kid. I'm not going to let you fall asleep yet. The drugs could still be in your system and it's harder to take care of you when you're in a coma." Though his tone was light, his message was dark. You felt a shiver go down your spine but stood anyway.

"Where are we going?"

"Well, first we have to get rid of your comforter. Made a huge mess all over it." He shot you a pointed look, and you glanced away. "Then maybe we could go talk to Grillby. He may not be a real doctor, but he's a thousand times better than any of the therapists I've been to." Sans suddenly zapped away. A spit second later, he was back smelling of cold and snow. He took your hand and led you downstairs.

"Took care of that blanket… didn't want to bother trying to clean it so I'll just buy you a new one tomorrow."

"Thank you Sans." You said, barely audible.

"Hmm?" He turned back to you, an eyebrow bone raised.

"I said thanks… you know. For finding me… for stopping me."

"I would do anything for you kid. Anyone of us would." He smiled again before turning back around and continued on his way.

Maybe you really did belong down here…

This isn't my best, I know. I also know it's a bit graphic, but I'm sick of people glorifying suicide, especially overdosing. It's actually really scary. Most people that try overdosing on painkillers or sleep medication are found in puddles of their own vomit or spit. It's terrifying, not romantic, not tragically beautiful.

Also, I know it may seen unrealistic to be able to take five pills at once, but personally I can take up to six advil at once (yeah I know, not good for me) and the sleeping pills were ones I had a while ago that were little white pills, about the size of my pinky nail. So with that in mind, five pills doesn't seem that much.

I want to say thank you, for the usual reasons – favoriting, following, reviewing and supporting – but also for the art that's been coming in! I've gotten some amazing art submitted, and I'm honestly floored. I never thought anything I made would create something like art or a community. I still can't believe it! If you want to see the art, go on "loveyourselfstory" on tumblr. If you can, please support the artists that have been so amazing to make this for the story!

Until next time!

~Starlight