Warning- character death, mourning, self-hate, mild suicidal thoughts
You fidget with the hem of your sleeve. You were in a nightmare. That's what this had to be. You glanced over to Sans, who hadn't said a word in almost three days.
Asgore's voice droned over the gathered crowed, but no one seemed to be paying attention. A few scattered sobs sounded over the king.
You look down at your hands, clenching your fingers into the fabric of your black skirt to try to stop the trembling, but it seemed like your hands had been trembling for almost seventy two hours. Somehow, you still had tears, as you felt something drip down your face.
Nope, you really were all cried out. The sky had started crying, spotting the ground with its own tears. It wasn't what he would have wanted, you thought.
Papyrus would have wanted sun. He loves the way the sun feels on his-
You correct yourself. He loved the way the sun felt on his bones.
Your chest constrict painfully. Your hand found Sans' and gave it a squeeze, supporting him or yourself, you weren't sure.
You were most concerned about Sans. He hadn't spoken, hadn't eaten, hadn't slept in three days. He just sat on the couch staring at the blank television, or worse, curled up in Papyrus' racecar bed, sobbing hysterically.
His hand felt dead in yours, showing no sign he recognized your touch. After a few seconds, his fingers gently squeezed your own. A sad smile made its way to your mouth. At least he was showing some signs of life.
"I was approached by the human council." Asgore was saying. "They told me I had every right to declare war on them, for they had slaughtered an innocent." The crowed gave a collective gasp of horror, but Asgore silenced them with a large paw. "But I refused. We monsters have finally found ourselves in a time of peace, and out of all of us, young Papyrus would have been most against the idea of going to war."
A loud, barking sob cut Asgore off. You knew that cry. Though she tried, even Undyne couldn't keep her emotions completely hidden.
She had been with Sans when they found Papyrus, half dust and silently crying. That's the kind of thing no one can ever forget.
When Papyrus completely turned to dust, Sans closed him mouth and refused to open it again.
Asgore finished the ceremony, not able to make it through the whole speech without a pained sob at the end.
No one moved for a few minutes, just sat in silence as the King stepped off the stage and moved towards Toriel and you.
"Come on Sans." You said gently into his ear. He seemed like a robot these last few days, not able to do anything without prompting. "We need to go back to the house. We're going to have some guests stop by, okay?"
He didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge you had spoken. After a slight pause, he stood, his knee joints cracking. He didn't make a sound. He held your hand a little tighter as you led him to the car. He hadn't been able to teleport or use his magic at all.
You lead Sans to the car, opening the door for him. His blank eye sockets stared at the car for a moment and climbed in, not bothering to buckle up. You climb in after him, placing a hand on his knee, covered in an expensive suit.
He was forced to get one after coming to the surface for meetings and such. It had taken you an hour of convincing and another half hour to help him change from his three day old clothes, covered in tear stains and dust, into the suit before the ceremony. The only thing he insisted on was wearing a familiar red scarf over the suit jacket. No one told him no.
The ride home was silent. Undyne was driving, Alphys in the front seat. Toriel and Asgore had their own car, so it was just you and Sans in the back.
"Sans, do you want to stop and get something to eat before we get home?" You ask softly, hoping to get some sort of reaction from him. He stared straight ahead before shaking his head once. You sighed and sat back.
"Hey punk. You hungry?" Undyne heard you trying to get Sans to respond, and realized no one had eaten that day.
Not that anyone was really hungry.
"Not really, but I probably should eat something. It's been a while since lunch yesterday," You give a half smile and Undyne returned it with her own half smile. She appreciated you trying to keep things as normal as possible.
You pondered what you could possibly be able to stomach, and realized you really couldn't eat anything right now.
"Actually, I think I'll be sick if I eat anything right now." You say in a quieter voice. Undyne made a noise of acknowledgment and kept driving in the direction of the house.
"Come on Sans. We're home." You say, placing a hand on his shoulder. For the first time, he flinched a little at the touch. He actually turned his head to look at you – another first. He didn't say anything, and there were still no lights in his eyes, but it was a start.
He followed you out of the car, taking slow steps to the front door. Undyne held the door open for you, tossing a concerned look towards Sans, but you just shook your head.
"Hey Sans, you want some tea?" You ask, watching him shuffle to the couch and flop down, slamming his elbow on the arm of the couch painfully. He didn't flinch. He didn't respond, so you took initiative and went into the kitchen.
You put a little extra sugar in his tea, hoping it might perk him up a little. You took his hand in your empty one and wrapped it around the mug. The skeleton just stared at the mug, not drinking it. You could see his bones tighten and loosen a fraction, so you were glad he was moving even a little at this point.
You managed to coax three sips out of him before the doorbell went off. Alphys went to answer the door, letting your friends in.
You loved your friends, you really did. But by the time the last one left, you were exhausted. You knew they were just doing what they though was best, but you were so sick and tired of everyone telling you they're sorry.
Sorry Papyrus was gone. Sorry for your loss. Sorry, sorry, sorry….
You waited until the last guest left, including Alphys and Undyne. You waited until the house was cleaned. You waited until Sans was sleeping peacefully before giving in.
You sobbed, great, chest heaving sobs that cracked your head open and made you worry about breaking a rib. You didn't want to wake Sans, so you bit your knuckle. It wasn't enough, so you bit down even harder. Tasting metal in your mouth, you pulled your knuckle from your mouth and screaming into the pillow from the couch.
Your whole world was crumbling around you. You could barely breathe, and your vision was almost completely black, little dots dancing in what little view you had left.
Suddenly, there was something touching you, rubbing your back, brushing your hair out of your face. Looking up quickly, you were shocked to see Sans sitting next to you on the couch. His eye sockets were wide with worry, the most expression he's had since Pap died.
"Kid…" His voice was a little hoarse, probably from three days of screaming and silence.
"I'm so sorry Sans…" You whimpered, tears silently flowing down your cheeks. He pulled back, barely an inch, before blinking owlishly.
"Whatcha have to be sorry for kid?" While his tone was more monotone than anything you had heard, rockier and more gravely than ever, but just hearing his voice again made you feel a little better.
Then you remembered what you had been keeping bottled up for three days.
"It's all my f-fault. If I had just g-gone to that fuckin store myself like I was s-supposed to… None of this would have happened." You burst into tears again, blubbering 'sorry' and 'all my fault' in between painful hiccups.
"Slow down kiddo. What are you talking about?" His voice had a little more emotion, his concern for your mental health slowly dripping into his tone.
"It was my turn to do the grocery shopping." You sniffed, closing your eyes as if it could prevent the onslaught of memories. "B-but I wasn't feeling good. I had cramps, so I asked P-pap if he c-could go do the shopping this week…."
"It's not your fault…" Sans whispered, fearful of what you were going to say next. While he didn't want to blame you, a primal part of him was screaming "YOU'RE RIGHT! MY BROTHER SHOULD STILL BE WITH ME!" But seeing you like this, broken down and practically snapping right in his arms, he couldn't find it in himself to blame you.
"I should have been there when the robber came in. I might have survived the shot… there's no way a monster body could live through a bullet wound but I might have survived… it would have been better if I had died… I should have died that day… I should be dead!" You were screaming, unable to control yourself.
Seventy two hours of pure guilt keeping you up at night. You tried to hide it, but you had gotten maybe three or four hours of sleep since the incident. Sans wrapped his arms around you tight, as if trying to hold your pieces together.
"Don't say that! I can't lose you too…"
"You don't get it Sans… this is all my fault. If I had just gotten my crap together… if I didn't push my responsibilities on him… I should have died and Papyrus should be comforting you. I cheated death and this is my punishment…"
"How were you supposed to know that would happen? How could you have predicted my brother trying to talk to the robbers? There was nothing any of us could have done."
The store had been evacuated, but no one touched the dying monster on the ground. Sans and Undyne heard the commotion on their walk home from visiting Toriel and Asgore. They rushed to the store, worried. Sans knew it was your day to get the groceries.
Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.
Papyrus, half dust on the tiled floor. Bone fragments surrounding him, where the bullet shattered his rib cage. A human was on a cage made of bone not twenty feet from him, shaking in fear and horror.
Papyrus was dead within twenty minutes.
A slow and painful death for one of the sweetest monsters in the Underground.
For one of the sweetest soul in the world.
You buried your face in his shoulder, finally letting your emotions out. You had tried so hard to be the strong one for your friends. You had only known Papyrus for a little over two years now. They knew him his whole life. You were just an outsider.
"I can't lose you too." Sans muttered into your hair.
"I-I can't live like this anymore…" You whispered into his shirt. He had taken off his suit and changed into a ratty old t shirt and sweatpants on his own. "I can't see his face, accusing me, every time I close my eyes…"
"Don't talk like that." His voice was sharp and scathing. He didn't mean to be harsh, but the thought of losing you so soon after losing his brother… he didn't know how much more his soul could take before cracking right in half.
"This is all my fault. It's my fault Papyrus is… dead." You hiccupped and buried your face deeper into his shirt. He knew it was hopeless to try to talk to you like this, so he just ran his boney fingers up and down over your spine, whispering quietly in your ear.
You had no clue how long the two of you sat on the couch, you sobbing and him whispering to you, but eventually you were all cried out, too tired to even move away from him.
"All this time…" He said, his fingers winding through your hair. "All this time you were taking care of me, and you were breaking down too."
"I didn't want to worry anyone… I didn't know him as long as you guys and it was my fault…" You rambled in a whisper, not really sure what you were even saying anymore. Sans chuckled deeply and pulled you closer.
"Those are dumb reasons." Though his words were playful, they held a tone of seriousness.
"He died for a dumb reason." You growled, mad at yourself.
"Shuddup." He wrapped his arms around you completely, pulling you into his chest. Suddenly, you felt your stomach drop.
You found yourself in your room, your window open and the curtains blowing gently in the night. He placed you on your bed and wrapped himself around you, as if to protect you from all the hardships in the world.
"Come on kid. Smile for me." Sans nudged you with his jaw. You turned your face away and couldn't bring yourself to smile, depression weighing you down. "Papyrus wouldn't want you to be depressed because of this."
The mention of his name made you tear up again, sniffling slightly.
"No need to be so blue" He used his blue magic to pull the blanket over the two of you, the glow casting a ghostly glow over the furniture.
You couldn't help yourself. The feeling of Sans' magic fizzling over you mixed with the pun made you smile, just barely. It wasn't even a smile, but rather a slight upturn of the left side of your mouth, but it was enough for him.
"There it is." He poked your cheek with a boney finger, causing the upturned corner to turn up a little bit more.
"I'm scared Sans." You finally managed to spit out, the words catching in your throat enough to choke you.
"Scared about what?" He asked, equally as quiet and calm.
"What if I'm alone… and this guilt breaks me and I… do something dumb?" The thought made your blood turn to ice. It wasn't the first time you had thought about joining Papyrus, as punishment for killing him, but you pushed those thoughts back in order to take care of Sans.
"Have you thought about this a lot?" His voice trembled, ever so slightly.
"Yeah…"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You weren't really… available." You said, almost guilty for blaming him. You felt his bones tense up as he realized what you said.
"I'm sorry kid…"
"It's not your fault. You had every right to clock out for a little bit." You sounded dead, but you couldn't bring yourself to add any color to your words.
"No, I was wrong to do that. I should have been there for you, for everyone. It was selfish of me to do that to you."
You went silent for a few minutes, just soaking in the warmth from his bones, the faint rhythm of his mock breathing, the ticking of the clock from the wall.
"I'm just glad you're back." You could barely hear your own voice, so you were sure he couldn't hear you either, especially because he didn't respond for a few moments.
"I thought it was a dream at first, the crying. When I realized it was coming from downstairs, I realized you must have been alone. I guess it… shocked me into waking up. When I realized I left you alone these past few days, I wanted to punch myself."
"What's important is that you're here now." You said, your voice a little more alive.
"Now you got me, from here on out." He gave you a quick squeeze.
"We're going to have to go through Pap's stuff soon…" You said, ruining the mood. Though Sans' hold on you didn't loosen, you could feel the change in the air.
"Yeah… but for now let's just stay like this."
You nuzzled your face into his chest, feeling his warmth filling you.
You realized life threw tragedies at you, some so bad it might be impossible to bounce back from, but sometimes, life sends you a little light.
Looking at Sans' sleeping face, you decided he was your little bit of light.
I feel like the end was a little cheesy, but I just couldn't have them go through Pap's stuff… what I already wrote drained me emotionally!
It was between the death of a human friend, or Papyrus. I decided on Papyrus because I could show different forms of coping, like Sans' shutting down and the reader's pushing everything down. I might do another chapter at some point with the human friend that passes away to show more ways of dealing with this situation.
I'm sorry my last chapter caused so much controversy, but it was something I felt needed to be covered. I already did one where the reader decided to keep the baby, so I needed to cover the other option.
It was obvious from chapter one that I was going to be writing about some deep stuff, so for the sake of everyone – especially those who need the chapter to cope or get over something – let bygones be bygones. If you don't agree, that's okay. Please don't make others feel bad for agreeing though.
This is a family, this community here. We support and help each other
In other news, the tumblr blog is alive and well! We've gotten some more amazing art, and the ask box is officially open! If you have any questions about past chapters (If you want me to clear something up or elaborate on a topic), if you have any suggestions, or if you need advice on something, send me an ask! I'm more than happy to help you! The blog is loveyourselfstory.
Until next time!
~Starlight