Either nobody cares, or you guys thought that 'Land Before Time' was produced by Disney as well. This is a correction to a mistake I made in C15. 'Land Before Time' which the song 'If We Hold On Together' was a theme song of wasn't produced by Disney. Thanks to all who expressed their support :)
To Guest: Thanks for the encouragement :) glad to know the last part served to create the tension I wanted!
I'm going to do a song recommendation for every chapter from now on after. All songs are by Yukimura Seiichi or rather, his seiyuu Nagai Sachiko, and I claim no credits for them. This chapter's recommended song is 愛の歌. This time round this song was first translated to traditional Chinese by 甜蘋果, who again has my thanks. Translation of the lyrics will be at the end of every chapter, trust me, it's worth taking a look at the translation because I only decided to insert a song recommendation for every chapter after I had everything planned out and yet… I always seem to be able to find a song which lyrics befit the chapter and plotline. It's almost like a paranormal affair.
*Reposted 26/12/13* Rectified severe OOC-ness. –facepalm- As I did this... I promised myself it will be the last time I do something like this.
Higher than the Wind
Disease Arc (1)
Yukimura found it an irony that he would end up in the same hospital as Tsugi just three months after her discharge. Perhaps he saw it coming, with all the sudden short moments of dizzy spells and weak feelings in the knees like he suffered from low blood sugar level when he never had prior medical records, but he didn't want to probe too deep into it.
The strange sensation was most vivid during the match against Tsugi, truthfully, he planned to give her some leeway so that the yips would be dispelled, but it was never his intention to have it appear as a 'close rally'.
Back then, it was actually a genuine slipup due to the loss of dexterity in his fingers. If it weren't for that, he had a hundred and one methods to couch the match as he liked and nobody would have ever discovered it.
Humans, they would always pitch their hope on the best and dismiss all possibilities of the worst possible situation. He was the 'Child of God', but merely a 'child' and not God himself, so Yukimura Seiichi was no different from man after all.
He wasn't immortal, nor was he immune to diseases, which was why he ended up in the hospital like this. His doctor had spoken to him, and he was informed that they suspected him of suffering from an extremely rare neurological disease, but they'd have to run some extensive tests on him before they can confirm it.
Guillain-Barré Syndrome.
He knew about it, no sportsman wouldn't. Guillain-Barré Syndrome was a terrible disease which has already brought down a few famous sportsmen like Markus Babbel and Danny Wuerffel; the number wasn't large, but it was enough to make this disease known to mankind. Guillain-Barré Syndrome was something all athletes feared to be diagnosed with, because there was no known cure for this neurological disease. So once it was confirmed that a sportsman has it, it was tantamount to the end of an athlete's sports career. Yukimura didn't think that he could ever be one of those unfortunate souls who were lucky enough to suffer from such a rare condition but well, he was special after all. A special young boy such as Yukimura couldn't suffer from a common disease – it must be a special, exotic disease like Guillain-Barré Syndrome.
Maybe it was because the disease has yet to break out fully, Yukimura found himself taking to the news rather well. They told him that they still have to run some tests (rather painful tests, actually) on him, but Yukimura knew that they were just taking precautions to confirm it. He was past the preliminary stage already and nobody knew his body's condition better than himself. There was no need for another person to inform him of what was going on. He knew it best.
As Yukimura looked out of the window, he wondered –strangely calmly– how much longer would he be able to stand on these legs. It has already been a week since his hospitalization, many people have visited him, his mother smiled but he could see the weariness in her eyes, Kurumi was quiet but her eyes which resembled his own were red and puffy, his father was solemn but the worries in his eyes were undeniable – and Yukimura knew that they knew, though he wasn't so sure if Kurumi was aware that his condition was that serious. His normal reaction didn't mitigate their worries, if anything, his parents seemed to be even more worried about him after they saw him.
Parents, they always understood their kids best.
His team had dropped by as well, he hadn't told them about what exactly was wrong with him so their initial worries soon faded off into bright, boisterous laughter, mirthful melodies he was accustomed to and wasn't sure if he'd ever get to hear again in future.
Of course, she visited too. To be honest, her visit was probably the most impactful one out of all those who came by. Lifting his head to the clear blue skies, Yukimura allowed his memories of that day to play out in his mind.
– Flashback –
"You shouldn't have taken the trouble to come all the way to Tokyo, Yanagi," Yukimura commented when Tsugi came by with a thermal container.
"You say that but you did the same thing when I was hospitalized," she shrugged as she removed the lid from the thermal container, allowing the smell of chicken soup to leak into the air, "try it, it's my first attempt but Aunt Machi helped me with it."
There was a pause on Yukimura's side.
"Yanagi, I appreciate what you're doing but there's no need for you to do this for me," Yukimura finally said, lips slightly curved upwards. Not enough to be called a smile, but it was an indication that he was serious.
It was Tsugi's turn to pause. He knew it probably took a lot out of her for her to visit alone and not drag Renji along with her, perhaps even more courage to bring that thermal container which was a tacit reply to his confession.
"Yukimura," Tsugi took a deep breath, he supposed it was to muster her courage and she took the initiative, "about what you said during the school tri-"
"Regarding that… can you give me your answer after I'm discharged?" Yukimura smiled in a surprisingly gentle manner as he cut her off brusquely, "the hospital is no place to discuss such matters."
His explanation was strange, but nonetheless valid. Still, she stared at him, face unsmiling.
Yukimura was touted as the enigma who knew it all, being privy to everyone's affairs and yet nobody was privy to his. But Tsugi's eyes – her soft yet piercing forest green eyes made him feel revealed, like all his deception –or attempt at deception this time round– was fruitless.
It shouldn't be possible, but Yukimura felt like she knew. Impossible, Yukimura decided, even Renji the analyst, Sanada his best friend, and Yagyuu the man who always watched other people like a hawk weren't able to tell anything during their visit – but he forgot about the presence of decoys during his team's visit. As opposed to Tsugi who was here alone, focus solely fixed on him, the three boys were distracted by Kirihara, Marui and the third years.
(Besides, it would be wrong to say that his charade was successful, there were two unexpected persons within his team who noticed something strange too.)
"As you wish, but Yukimura…" She lowered her head, "I do not know what you're hiding, but the next time you're trying to hide something from us, do that without your perfect smile. For us who are acquainted with your genuine smile, we know when you're sincere and when you're in the 'Child of God' mode."
The blue-haired captain's smile cracked. Ah, so that was what gave him away.
"I will be taking my leave now. You have my best wishes and… until next time," she didn't lift her head again until she turned around and shut the door with a soft 'click'.
And Yukimura was left alone in his ward, with only the silence and the forgotten thermal container to accompany him as he mulled over her words.
– End of flashback –
Before this, Tsugi was the cautious one who always receded as soon as he took a step forward, and now… he was the one who declined her attempt at walking towards him.
People do change, and like her he has changed as well. But she advanced forward, whereas he took several steps back.
~x~
Yukimura was surprised when Tsugi appeared again just a day after their unpleasant meeting. It was a short visit and she merely brought him a book for him to kill boredom, she barely said any words to him before she left, not forgetting to retrieve the thermal container which she left behind the previous day this time.
A week after their visit, his friends were starting to get suspicious when he hadn't been discharged, and when asked, Yukimura calmly revealed the report which he had just received from his doctor in an outrageously cheerful manner.
That short document confirmed the disease which now plagued him.
"This report… is it true?" Sanada gripped the file tightly.
Yukimura nodded, and Sanada immediately flipped the table – idiomatically of course.
"What are you thinking about, keeping such critical news from us –" Sanada castigated him hotly, fully aware that Yukimura knew of his own conditions even before this report came in, "we are your teammates!" Gritting his teeth to contain the string of profanities which was about to escape, he continued muttering to himself, "and here I was thinking that Nio and Jackal were being overly suspicious…"
As for the rest of the team, they took the news a little more civilly. Grief, concern and worries were in their eyes definitely, but they didn't react as violently as Sanada. Kirihara was an exception, he looked like he was going to punch the wall as a mean of relieving the stress within him.
Yukimura realized that Tsugi's words were true. She'd never lie. Jackal the silent observer and Nio the 'Trickster' were no fools.
"I'm sorry for keeping this from everyone, and I don't think words are sufficient to explain how sorry I am for being unable to continue working with you all… but I know Sanada and Renji will take good care of the team," Yukimura smiled – a true smile, "I feel glad to know that you are in good hands."
He was speaking in a remarkably painful blithe tone.
Silence fell upon the team, even Sanada snapped out of his outburst.
"Sanada, Renji, from now on, I will be depending on you two, as for the rest of you, it was a pleasure being your captain," Yukimura continued speaking, and hot blood seized Sanada again.
"Don't speak as though you're on your deathbed! We will be waiting for your return," Sanada gritted his teeth, "until then, Renji and I will take care of them," Sanada whipped around to face Renji who nodded with a frown on his face. Well, that tense frown was to be expected. Unlike the rest who only knew a scratch about the disease, Renji was probably aware that there was no known cure. Yagyuu probably did as well, but the 'Gentleman' was a lot more discreet.
… Or perhaps, Renji's displeasure might be directed at something entirely different.
"Thank you," Yukimura scanned across his team and smiled at them, "I will work hard on recovering as well."
"We will be leaving now, if at any time you need anything… just inform us," said Sanada who was still worried and in a bad mood, visiting time was going to be up soon.
"Please go on without me, I will leave before the nurse comes about," Renji shook his head, "I would like to speak to Seiichi a little more."
Sanada frowned, he was about to say something until Yukimura spoke.
"That's alright. Sanada, take the rest of the team along with you."
Grudgingly, Sanada obliged. Remembering a certain green-eyed girl who shared a strange relationship with their captain, looks of realization emerged on their faces and the team left with a chorus of "get well soon, buchou" and "we will wait for you". Soon, the room was cleared out and only two people remained.
"Is this why you turned her down?" asked Renji with a serious expression.
Yukimura didn't reply to that, instead, realization hit him and he uttered thoughtfully, "You were the one who encouraged her to visit? Hmm… now I see why she came alone the previous times."
"Seiichi, do not avoid my question. Is this why you turned her down?"
"Renji, you're in a delicate position. Could I ask you not to interfere with this anymore than you already did?" The smile fell from Yukimura's face. It was a rare moment to see an unsmiling Yukimura. "I... will handle it."
"I have no doubts that you will, and you are more than capable of doing what you pledge. But Seiichi, avoiding confrontation is the worst possible method you can apply when you're dealing with Tsugi. If you don't even know that much about her… I will regret egging her on."
Yukimura locked his eyes on Renji.
"As your teammate, I respect you. But as your friend and Tsugi's family, you're doing it wrong."
Knock knock.
The conversation was terminated prematurely.
"Sorry for the interruption but visiting hour is over. Please come by earlier tomorrow if you have unfinished business!" A youthful nurse popped her head into the room and said with a bright, kind smile.
"I'll see you some other time, Seiichi," Renji stood up, "please do not hurt those who care for you. I won't tell her about your condition, think about how to inform her yourself. She will probably drop by tomorrow. Other than that… Seiichi, we are with you."
For the first time ever in Yukimura's life, he was told that he was wrong.
Those with the surname 'Yanagi' were truly his nemeses. One stripped him of all defences, and left him feeling bare and naked, exposed and weak. The other saw through his less than honourable intentions and ripped off his façade right on the spot, revealing his ugly dishonest core.
And yet… they always said that your enemies were the ones who knew you best, all the more if they were your nemeses. Well, it was certainly true in Yukimura's case.
He looked at his hands which were slowly losing what his peers called the 'god's feel', his fingers were a lot less nimble now. His joints felt stiff too, it'd seem that the 'ossification' process was beginning from the tips of his fingers and toes. The changes were actually tangible, he could feel it in his bones.
He briefly thought about whether he'd ever be able to hold a paint brush or a racquet firmly again. These changes, feelings, weaknesses… they were evidence of something gruesome.
He gripped his fists, but his grip was pathetically weak, and for the first time since his hospitalization, Yukimura Seiichi saw a glimpse of the bleak future which lied ahead.
The 'Child of God' was slowly crumbling away, and he knew that it wouldn't take long for everything to be reduced to dust.
~x~
True to Renji's words, Tsugi visited him again the next day. He dropped the fake smile and nodded at her courteously, to which she smiled in response.
Suddenly, it occurred to him that she didn't smile at all yesterday.
They didn't speak while Tsugi sat aside patiently, the look on her face told him that she knows he has something that he needs to tell her, and she was waiting for just that. The information was on the tip of his tongue, but instead he sidetracked and he asked, "Before the training tour, you were still hesitating. What was it that Renji told you that changed your mind?"
She seems surprised, but nonetheless, she answered to him.
"Actually, it was nothing much. He only told me to leave no regrets behind. He asked me two questions: One, if you were to leave now and never return, would you regret not having answered him? Two, if so, is the regret within your heart or is it within your soul?"
If it was the heart, it would be a problem of her principles. If it was the soul, there was no denying her own feelings.
"All these times I've only been trying to ignore these feelings, but now, Yukimura I –"
Again, she was cut off by him. Yukimura felt that this was turning into a bad habit for him.
"Yanagi, I told you. Leave the answer for after my discharge," he said and he looked at her, "I've been diagnosed with Guillain-Barré Syndrome."
He spoke in a casual manner, like he was merely making small talks with Tsugi.
It took a moment for Tsugi to find her voice.
"… The very same disease which Markus Babbel was revealed to suffer from?"
"You're quite knowledgeable about it," he smiled calmly, "then… you should also know what it means for me."
Silence. Of course she did.
"Yanagi, forget about that night," said Yukimura as he gazed out of the windows. The leaves have fallen and they won't be replaced, it was the inception of the transition from autumn to winter, "I thought about it over and over again... and I think there's no better option given the current circumstances."
"Is that... all you have to say?" Tsugi questioned.
Yukimura turned to her, expression serene to the point of being stoic.
"Honestly?" She asked again.
"Honestly," he affirmed with a light nod.
"… I understand," she closed her eyes, reopening them to reveal forest green several shades darker than emerald, "but I refuse."
Yukimura was taken by surprise. Eyes widened marginally, Yukimura turned towards her.
"It's not even about my feelings now, it's about me as a friend. Yukimura, please… don't give up yet."
Ah, she realized.
Of all the people who spoke to him recently, she was the only one who discovered the darkness which was slowly enveloping him. He knew it was wrong, that he was harbouring these negative thoughts, but he couldn't help but to feel that there was no other choice other than submitting to his fate – that was to relinquish his grip on his racquet. For a tennis player… that was tantamount to death.
She sensed it, and understood it.
"It's true that there's no known cases of a full recovery from Guillain-Barré Syndrome yet, but they are not you, Yukimura. You're different from them. If it's you, I believe that miracles will happen, because you are Yukimura Seiichi."
A momentary pause, and chuckles came from Yukimura.
He wasn't even sure what triggered those soft laughter, but he chuckled all the same.
"Yanagi, thank you."
The fair-skinned boy lifted his head, an endearing smile on his face, "Strange, but I feel more… empowered now that you said that. I don't know how long it will take but I will work with the staffs here and strive to recover in time for the Nationals. Perhaps if I work hard enough… I might be able to recover fully when I hit adulthood hmm?"
"Definitely," heaving a sigh of relief, Tsugi nodded and uttered quickly, "You will definitely recover."
Yukimura laughed.
"But I won't change my decision, Yanagi, please keep your answer till my discharge," he smiled at her, repeating his request.
"I will definitely be waiting so… do your best, Yukimura."
"I will," he promised, but ah, his heart still felt empty somehow.
~x~
Yukimura has gotten really popular with the all the kids in the hospital. They affectionately referred to him as 'Sei-nii-chan', and would always crowd in his room until the nurse came to collect them.
Today, the kids bouncing about his room suddenly asked about Tsugi.
"Sei-nii-chan, why hasn't Tsugi-nee-chan came around lately?" Kohaku, a seven year old toddler who unfortunately had already been diagnosed with brain tumour asked suddenly. He was a brave young man, and to be honest… Kohaku influenced him to a certain extent. In fact, the optimism of all these kids was slowly instilling a change within Yukimura.
"Hmm? It's the time of the year when we hold the training camp for our teams now. Didn't she tell you that she will be away till next Saturday during her last visit?" Yukimura ruffled Kohaku's hair and smiled at the young man. Because of her frequent visits, Tsugi was well acquainted with these kids as well.
"That's wright that's wright! Kohaku-dummy!" Haruko stuck out her tongue at Kohaku and continued, "Shwee pwomised two bwing Hawuko Chwistwas pwessies the nwext twine shwee vhiswited too!" Haruko was already a little over four year old but she was still learning to talk due to a neurological disorder. Because of their similar fate, Yukimura always felt unusually close to Haruko. Also, because Haruko was the only girl of the bunch, Yukimura and all the rest tended to spoil her a little.
Still, there was no excuse for nastiness.
"Haruko, that wasn't a very nice thing to say to your friend," Yukimura put his hand on her head, "come, be a good girl and say sorry to Kohaku."
At times, Yukimura served as their guidance in life since the nurses are too busy to impart life values to these kids.
"It's alright Sei-nii-chan, because Kohaku is a man!" Kohaku was the most hyper and enthusiastic of the bunch, "Sei-nii-chan said before that men must be strong and protect the women, Kohaku doesn't need Haruko to apologize to Kohaku!"
"That's very praiseworthy of you, Kohaku," Yukimura smiled, "what about you, Haruko?"
"Hmph! Hawuko is sowwie!" Albeit unwilling, Haruko obeyed the instruction of the one she practically worshipped without whining.
"Kids, it's teatime!" The friendly nurse who overlooked the kids' ward came in and grinned at the scene, "they are so attached to you, Yukimura-kun."
"Yuu-nee-chan! Can we have teatime in Sei-nii-chan's ward please~?" Kohaku immediately bounced towards the nurse, Kinoshiyo Yuukiko.
"If Yukimura-kun doesn't mind I guess it's fine…" Yuukiko pretended to put her finger to her lips in a thinking manner, knowing fully well that Yukimura wouldn't refuse.
"Can we can we?" Shuu hugged Yukimura's legs.
"Hmms, let me think about it…" Yukimura played along and teased them, earning wails and whines from the kids, he chuckled, "well, alright."
"Hoorah!" The kids cheered loudly, and Yukimura's heart was warmed by them too. These kids were like his lighthouse, he was certain that they were little angels sent by God to light up his way when he felt so lost.
As the kids ate and chattered, Yukimura's thoughts drifted off the training camp. Were things alright there? Was his team handling it well? Knowing Tsugi and Sanada though, they were probably more than capable of keeping things on track even in the worst possible circumstances.
Perhaps as he sat in the room, the two of them might be discussing future strategies. Recently, Tsugi had been talking more and more about Sanada, and even Sanada had been occasionally mentioning Tsugi too when he came to visit. It wasn't anything severe, and he should be glad that the two of them were getting along – but there was a sour feeling at the pit of his heart. A feeling not unlike that during the time he saw Tsugi beaming at Sanada in the restaurant, but he viewed this profound emotion in a different light now.
If he still has the heart to be jealous… obviously, he hadn't lost sight of himself yet.
And this was all thanks to the people around him, his family, his teammates, her and these precious little angels. Yukimura smiled gently at nobody in particular.
Slowly, Yukimura was finding back what he had lost. But it just wasn't enough.
~x~
Troubles tended to strike when you least expected it. Something happened during Valentines' Day which challenged Yukimura's resolution. The disease has reared its ugly head, and it certainly chose a golden opportunity to strike. Go for the jugular, if the disease was a human, Yukimura could probably credit it with that idiom, and he stupidly fell straight into its trap.
"Before I forget, Yukimura…" Tsugi dug through her bag and pulled out a box, "this is for you."
It was Valentines' Day chocolates.
Yukimura stared at the chocolates Tsugi was holding out for him. The tiny cerulean blue box was wrapped up with a grayish-blue ribbon, that grayish-blue was the exact shade of his racquet. His throat rumbled, and he wanted to smile and reply with a courteous 'thank you', but his larynx contracted and he couldn't find his voice, so instead he clasped a hand over the box. Tsugi let go, and troubles occurred.
At the very same moment, Yukimura felt a jolt of numbness in his hand which forced him to relinquish his grip.
Thud.
The soft sound produced by box falling onto the floor was unusually loud and resounded in the ward. Silence ensued.
Tsugi reacted first.
She blinked, cracking a small smile, "silly me, such butter fingers…" she murmured and laughed unnaturally, bending down to pick up the box. Yukimura's face was void of emotions. He stared at his hand, apathetically, eyes the shade of the evening sea darkened and suddenly a vortex of emotions built up in those entrancing deep blue pools. The vortex vanished as soon as it had appeared, but the storm in the room didn't subside.
"I'm sorry, Yanagi, could you leave me alone please? I'm feeling rather tired," Yukimura's voice was soft like always, but the sharpness in his tone was undeniable. She gazed at him wordlessly, but he had averted his eyes and was looking out of the window, ocean-blue eyes distant like the first time she had saw him. His 'Child of God' persona was in play again.
And she couldn't find it in her to say anything to him this time. The disease was showing itself for real. Until today, Yukimura had retained control over his limbs despite his weakening strength, but this time… he completely lost control over himself. Tsugi managed a small, insincere smile.
"I'll visit you another time then. Have a good rest, Yukimura," the lightness of her voice against the backdrop of such a heavy atmosphere impressed herself. She placed the chocolates on the table next to Yukimura's bed, and she stood up to take her leave.
"Please take the chocolates along with you. I appreciate your thoughts, but I'm on a strict diet prescribed by the hospital at the moment," if Yukimura's voice was sharp before, it was lethal now.
Tsugi stopped in her steps and she turned around slowly. She saw that Yukimura was gripping the sheets so hard that wrinkles were formed on them, the wrinkles on his sheets resembled the cracks forming on her heart.
Strict diet, he said? Tsugi thought bitterly. She'd have bought the story if she didn't consult his doctor beforehand. His doctor assured her that it was okay for Yukimura to consume sweets as long as it wasn't in excess. Keeping his doctor's words in mind, she even took the pain to alter her recipe. It took many trials and errors before she got the perfect taste.
She didn't blame him for rejecting her chocolates after that, it was understandable really. But he shouldn't have lied to her. A lying Yukimura was the worst. She marched up to his bedside and picked up the chocolates, steps heavy but agile, and then she turned and left without a second word. Yukimura didn't notice how shaky her hand was when she gripped the doorknob, and the soft click of the door squeezed not one heart but two.
This… was perhaps the first real dispute the two had ever engaged in.
Happy Christmas Eve!
I wrote this chapter while I was crying – well, not over this chapter but over this video I was watching about a woman called Brenda who sent a letter to her husband David 2 years after her death. The strange thing is that I was cynically criticizing some of her words and actions at the back of my mind and yet I was bawling my eyes out all the same. R.I.P. Brenda.
Today's song is 愛の歌, translated to 'The Song Of Love'.
あれ以上の夢を
語るって自身はない
これからの 僕らは
どこに向かってくんだろう
隠しても こぼれてく
心から何か
愛の歌を聴かせて
涙で隠してたいよ
愛の歌を聴かせて
あんまり知らないから
あれからの 毎日
こればっかり聴いている
変わってく 音楽で
心から何か
いつか道に迷って
つないだ指が離れて
立ち止まる日が来ても
回して聴く愛の歌
「喜んでいても
悲しんでいても
一緒にいるんだから
返すのは もう
いつでもいいよ
ずっと 持って いたって」
いつか道に迷って
つないだ指が離れて
立ち止まる日が来ても
必ず選ぶよ
いつか道に迷って
つないだ指離れて
回して聴く愛の歌
The dreams after that
I no longer have the right to discuss it
.
After this, we
Where are we supposed to go
.
Even if I hide, something in my heart
Is still slowly withering
.
Please let me listen to the song of love
How I wish to hide my tears
Please let me listen to the song of love
Because in fact I really do not understand
.
From then on after, everyday
I only listen to this song
.
Because of music, something in my heart
Is slowly changing
.
I don't know when I lost my way on this road
Let go of the hand I had always been holding
Even if I wait until the day when I can no longer advance comes
Still keep repeating the song of love
.
「Be it happy
Be it sad
Because we are always together
It's alright no matter when it's returned
Because I always have it on me」
.
I don't know when I lost my way on this road
Let go of the hand I had always been holding
Even if I wait until the day when I can no longer advance comes
I must and will make a choice
.
I don't know when I lost my way on this road
.
Let go of the hand I had always been holding
Still keep repeating the song of love