This chapter's song is 宣告, 'Declaration'. Traditional Chinese translation credit: 甜蘋果
To nattie: Actually… I think the next chapter will be more depressing. Thanks for the support :)
Higher than the Wind
Disease Arc (2)
"Ne, Tsugi-senpai, why have you been looking so down?" asked Kirihara as he chewed on a pencil, his big round green eyes much similar to her own when she was his age were growing into pretty almond-shapes now. They were evidence that this boy was growing and maturing. The two of them really did look similar, with the same slightly wavy, coal-coloured hair and shimmering green eyes. If people didn't know better, they would totally mistake them for blood siblings.
"Have I?" Tsugi blinked, breaking out of her trance and turning her attention to Kirihara, "Akaya… you should be focusing on your work instead of studying me. I'm not going to appear in your English test next week you know," she teased him half-heartedly.
Ever since last year, Tsugi had been Kirihara's personal tutor in English. She wasn't the most qualified teacher so his grade didn't see much improvement, but at the very least… Sanada didn't have to make him run laps for failing his English tests anymore.
"But Tsugi-senpai, I'm stuck here!" Kirihara pointed to a particular line on his English assignment and defended himself, "I have no idea what this word means! I wanted to ask you but you looked as though you're deep in thoughts."
"Hmm? Is that so? Sorry, let me take a look at it," Tsugi smiled apologetically and tactfully evaded Kirihara's prior question, she turned Kirihara's book over and looked at where he was indicating. Ah. Shadows were cast over her eyes as the smile fell from her face, "Akaya… this word is resilience. In Japanese, that would be kaifuku-ryoku, resilience of an object is its power or ability to return to the original form after being stretched (A/N: dictionary definition). It is applicable both on people and elastic objects."
She shuffled in her seat, and smiled again.
"Akaya, even though you don't understand the word 'resilience', you're doing amazing. Why is it that…" her voice trailed off, and she murmured to herself, "then again, you aren't him, and he's in an entirely different circumstance. It'd be unfair to draw comparison between the two of you," she then averted her previously aimless gaze to Kirihara, "Do you understand the word now, Akaya?"
"Ehh… I guess so," Kirihara scratched his head. Her out-of-context self-talk left him feeling a little confused, but Kirihara wasn't one to poke his nose in his senior's affair. Besides… his gut feeling told him that it'd be best if he didn't ask about it.
Kirihara trusted his sixth sense, so he won't attempt to probe.
~x~
Everyone could tell that the atmosphere in the room was strange. It was like some ominous creature had manifested in the air, lowering the temperature of the room by several degrees Celsius. Brr, it was so cold that you wouldn't think that spring was arriving in a little more than a week.
"Ne, ne, Jackal, don't you feel like something is strange?" Marui elbowed his doubles partner and whispered into the latter's ears. Jackal nodded solemnly.
"Psss just between you and me, I heard…" Marui's voice trailed off.
Sanada overheard their conversation and pinched the bridge of his nose, if even thick-headed Marui sensed it, then there was no more doubt that something was horribly out of place. Glancing at Yukimura who was conversing with Nio and Yagyuu, Sanada frowned even though the expression on Yukimura's face was serene like it had always been. They were best friends, and Sanada knew him best. Rarely if ever does Yukimura allow his emotions to engulf him, so this seepage of emotions to the air was an indication of something unusual. And what exactly could be a trigger point of this unusual something recently?
The answer was clear.
Sanada wasn't one to keep track of trivial events, but he wasn't detached enough to not be aware that Valentines' Day had just passed.
"What's wrong with everyone recently? Tsugi-senpai was being strange too," Kirihara's mindless rambling was the proof Sanada needed to confirm his hypothesis.
Should his speculation be right, Tsugi definitely had something to do with this. Ugh, the dark-haired vice-captain sighed inwardly, this was precisely the reason why he wasn't in support of forming relationships at such a young age. Relationships were like stairs, if you didn't watch your steps you would trip over your feet and fall, and it would be a painful fall all the way back to the bottom.
Just look at Nio and Renji, and now even the level-headed Yukimura… Was love really that powerful? Why couldn't he see anything beyond the destructive nature of the allegedly most beautiful emotion on Earth?
But Sanada didn't know that he couldn't be more wrong this time round. Certainly, Yukimura's feelings played a part… showing his unsightly side in front of the person he liked was unthinkable for the 'Child of God'. But more than that, it was the helplessness of himself against his disease.
The worst thing was nobody could help Yukimura other than himself. It was a hurdle that only he understood and can work on, perhaps if people knew they could at least advise him but… Yukimura would never consciously display his weaknesses in front of others, which was why to him, that brief moment of weakness he had shown in front of Tsugi was tantamount to blasphemy to God. For all his life, Yukimura had only ever known perfection.
And the world had only known perfection from Yukimura, too.
~x~
"Tsugi," Renji called out to his cousin who was about to exit the room. The two of them had been working on a project for the past two hours, it wasn't as if little or no progress was made, but Renji still felt queasy inside. The feeling was like tiny, cackling bolts of lightning were hanging in the air. They didn't hurt more than a light jolt when you touched them, but the knowledge of their existence gave you the chills.
Or perhaps he was being overly-sensitive due to the exquisite blue box he found in the wastepaper basket in the living room on Valentines' Day. For the past week, he had thought that Tsugi was acting strange.
"Renji? Is there anything else of the matter?" Tsugi turned around, a questioning look in her eyes. Weariness was visible on her in her slogged walking pattern, heavy eyelids and almost incessant yawns. From the light in her room, Renji knew that she had never slept before him for the past week, and yet she still rose before him.
It was no surprise that she was so tired, but she carried on because life went on.
"… Nothing," Renji shook his head. Yukimura was walking down a twisted lane, but some things that he said were nonetheless valid. Outsiders shouldn't interfere in another's relationship.
Like Sanada, Renji's thoughts were correct and wrong at the same time.
"Then I'll be going," she only walked for a few steps before she paused and turned around again, asking, "Renji, how's Yukimura?"
This would have been a tricky question before, but now, Renji answered without hesitation, "Seiichi hadn't been in a particularly good mood."
She looked down on the floor, seeming to be thinking. After a while, she said, "I have a lot on hand recently, but… I'll visit him on the 5th of March."
5th of March was Yukimura's birthday. Renji didn't know what happened between them, but it'd be a good day for them to make up.
"Would you like me to tell him? The team is planning to visit him this weekend," Renji offered.
"No, it's alright. I don't think it really matters, actually…" murmured Tsugi, a small, incomprehensible smile on her face.
Renji looked at Tsugi, finding himself confused by her words. This was a first for Renji who had no loophole in his analytical skills and data. What didn't matter? Did she mean telling Yukimura that she will visit doesn't matter, or is it her visit that doesn't matter?
Either way… Renji figured that there was really no space for interference in the relationship between the two. He wasn't sure how and when – he had been keeping record of the development of their relationship, so what was it that slipped beyond his prediction and caused their relationship to grow by leaps and bounds? This was beyond his data and understanding.
Then again, Renji rubbed his chin thoughtfully, love was the most perplexing affair on Earth. Remembering the girl who had eyes like turquoise, Renji's lips were pressed into a thin line. Perhaps… he should really stop trying to quantify intangibles like love. Human emotions never made sense in the world of numbers and logic.
He of all people should know it by now.
~x~
On the 5th of March, Tsugi met someone she didn't expect to ever run into again at the Kanai Sogou Hospital when she was reconsidering her visit and occasionally pacing to and fro between the breadths of the entrance – keeping a good distance so that she wouldn't impose on others. Japanese were busy people, so even though the staffs noticed the girl who was lingering before the hospital, nobody had the time and effort to approach her and simply let her be seeing that she wasn't hindering the flow of crowd.
"Yanagi Asaitsugi, what are you doing here?" A strangely familiar voice called out to her, and Tsugi turned around only to bump into a pair of stormy eyes.
Ah, it's her.
"Umiheiro-senpai," Tsugi greeted her, lips parted slightly in surprise which she soon recovered from. From her characteristic green gown and a brief cross-reference to their last conversation, it wasn't hard to figure out why Natsuki was here.
"Just Umiheiro would be fine," Natsuki replied calmly, "we aren't in the same school so don't refer to me as your senpai. Why are you standing before the hospital?"
"I'm here to visit a… friend."
"Even a fool can tell. My question is why are you standing before the hospital?" Natsuki glanced at her in a cool fashion. It had been half a year since their last meeting, and she didn't change at all.
"Umiheiro, how are you doing?"
Natsuki looked at her, and Tsugi knew from her look that those grayish-blue eyes had pierced through her façade. Natsuki began walking away from Tsugi, saying, "The garden is this way."
If anyone asked her, Tsugi wouldn't be able to explain why but she felt at ease when she was with Natsuki, someone who wasn't a stranger, and definitely can't be classified as a friend. Tsugi trusted Natsuki. It was an odd gut feeling.
Stopping a distance in front of a maple tree which leaves were the shade of festive red lanterns you'd only see during New Year celebrations, Natsuki asked, "Well?"
"I'm here to visit a friend, or perhaps I should say… a friend who isn't really a friend anymore."
From the moment he confessed and Renji cleared the mist obscuring her view afterwards, their relationship had fell into a cloud of ambiguity like what the school had always viewed them in.
"Yukimura Seiichi?" asked Natsuki, and surprise gleamed through Tsugi's eyes.
"How did you know?"
Tsugi wasn't crazy enough to think that such scandals have spread beyond the school boundary – well, with the exception of St. Rudolph where Mizuki belongs to.
"Yukimura Seiichi lives in the ward two rooms down from mine. I didn't, but now I do. To think you were acquainted with the legendary 'Child of God'," Natsuki paused and concluded knowingly, "So it's that sort of trifle."
Her speech mostly consisted of statements, rarely questions. If questions were involved, nine out of ten were rhetorical questions.
Her first sentence explained why she knew that Yukimura was hospitalized, her second sentence told Tsugi that she was hazarding a guess, her third sentence expressed her contempt regarding the entire issue. Really, Natsuki was a succinct person, although she was succinct in a very esoteric manner. Tsugi was starting to think that perhaps Natsuki was never arrogant, she only appeared to be arrogant because of her unrestrained know-it-all (and uncannily accurate) manner of speech.
For the people outside of this tangled web, and those as astute as Natsuki, this may seem trivial at best, ridiculous at worst. But for Tsugi, all she felt was that she was buried knee-high in social drama. After she had come clean with herself regarding her feelings, it was like she awoke a sixth sense just for Yukimura. She found it scary how certain she was in her interpretation of him when prior to that… it was the complete opposite. The reverse of roles was almost a little too much for her to take in.
And she was afraid of what it meant for her. This wasn't puppy love or teenage crush… it was something more profound. But on top of that, she had a bigger concern than her own feelings.
"Have you been jinxed?" Natsuki tilted her head and asked pointedly, "If not, speak up."
Tsugi sighed inwardly, with someone as blunt as Natsuki around, it was hard to get carried away with your thoughts.
Which in a way… was good as well.
"Yes, the person I'm visiting is Yukimura, but we are not in that sort of relationship. It's too complex to explain but with your intelligence, I think you have it figured out already. As for why I'm hesitating at the entrance…" Tsugi laughed humourlessly, "Well, I think it's obvious by now."
"Haven't you already made your decision when you came down to Tokyo?" asked Natsuki, the lack of provocation and insult astounded Tsugi – "You're a fool." Ah, there it is. Natsuki turned around and walked away, leaving a dumbfounded Tsugi behind.
She didn't turn her head again, and Tsugi was left alone to tidy her own thoughts. Natsuki was sharp and blunt as always, when dealing with problems, Natsuki always chooses the shortest and most direct solution no matter the traps lying ahead of her. It was her greatest virtue, but it was her Achilles' heel as well. If it weren't for that…
Rikkai Dai might have been the one in mourning last year. Shaking that thought off, she gazed at the storey which Yukimura was on.
Realization hit her like thunder from Thor's hammer when Natsuki questioned – or rather, told her. She was in no position to feel offended by Yukimura's… denial – purposefully avoiding the word 'rejection' which was much too thorny – when she herself had done similar things many a time.
She would call it 'retribution', but she was an atheist who didn't believe in karma, much less when it came to… love.
Slowly, Tsugi made her way into the building, and despite everything the heaviness in her heart didn't spread to her feet.
On the soft moist soil in the garden, she left behind clear, defined footprints.
~x~
Few things really touched the softest corner in Yukimura's heart nowadays, Tsugi's visit on his birthday happened to be one of them.
As days went by, the initial shock of the numbness in a whole limb was slowly fading away. He had been mentally prepared for such a situation, but he didn't expect it to happen in front of… her. Just in front of her, he wanted to remain the immaculate, perfect Yukimura Seiichi. He wouldn't deny that at that moment, the disease outweighed her – the former was augmented by the presence of the latter, and he felt guilty over his own actions after that.
He imagined that she wouldn't visit him anymore after the Valentines' Day incident – but here she was, calmly wishing him 'Happy Birthday', though her eyes were fixated on his bed sheets.
The tingly sensation in his heart was morphing. It was slowly dissolving at the back of his mind, but the lack of presence made its presence even more vivid even though it was no longer tangible. This was the prelude to something more than middle school crush.
What is he to do with her? Yukimura lowered his head as well, he had already made a decision to push her away, but she wasn't making it easy for him to carry out and follow through with his decision. This was something that has never happened.
"Yukimura?"
Yukimura was pulled back to reality. He lifted his head and tilted it at her, "Hmm?"
"I need to leave soon, is there anything you'd like to say to me?" She decorously reminded him that he hadn't spoken at all after blurting out her name as a crude substitute for greeting.
A slight pause. Whatever it was…
"Yanagi," he then begun speaking in a solemn manner, "Makoto ni moushiwake gozaimasen deshita. (1)"
Tsugi lifted her head, raw surprise on her face.
Seeing Yukimura's serious expression, she nodded and said clearly, "Yurushite ageru. (2) I'll be leaving now. Good bye, Yukimura."
Yukimura was rather taken aback. Slowly, a smile blossomed on his face, and he murmured a farewell, "Good bye, Yanagi."
Click.
Yukimura looked up at the ceiling, calmly taking in the turmoil in his heart.
A whirlpool was forming, a sandstorm was arriving.
Her informal reply to his formal apology spoke a lot. Too much, in fact. She… was too forgiving, and she was only making this difficult for him. He was no good for her, he knew, but it was so hard to make a clean cut now. And he knew, somewhere at the back of his mind, that the difficulty would only increase hereafter.
Ah… What was he to do?
~x~
4th of May was Tsugi's birthday, but she spent it no differently from any other day. If anything, she seemed to be busier than ever before. It'd seem that her birthday presents came in the form of more paperwork due to the absence of her underground vice-captain at this point in time. As the tournament season approached, Tsugi was really starting to feel the pressure as the defending champion this year – although, she was developing a numbness to it at the same time. Behind all the glamour of her position as captain and considerably stunning portfolio in a school like Rikkai Dai were sweat, blood and hard work. Aside from her three commitments in school – academics (which is her top priority, since without which she can't answer to her other two commitments), tennis and council, she was also tasked with the responsibility of helping Kirihara to pass his English exam (a feat which Sanada claims is only achievable by her), along with having to visit Yukimura from time to time and keeping up with the Yanagi family's traditional trainings.
To put it in Geishi's words, she worked around the clock. It's amazing that she hadn't over-exerted herself yet, or perhaps it was because she had already over-exerted herself once during Nationals last year, hence stretching her stamina.
But Tsugi didn't have the time to deal with Geishi's amazement. She had been trying to dial up her treasurer for the past ten minutes to no avail.
"This is strange…" Tsugi murmured to herself, "Leiko is never unreachable by phone."
Tsugi massaged her temples, while she disliked jumping around when she was working, she was left with no choice now. She needed the document with the projected grades of her team to carry on with the next part of her proposal, but the document was with Leiko who was missing-in-action at the moment.
Pushing all the files pertaining to her club proposal aside, Tsugi pulled out her council work instead.
Tennis was important, but council was no less important. The President with a capital 'P' would have her head on a silver platter if she didn't get this to him on time. Tsugi shuddered at the memory of the infamous head of the student council, he was truly a fearsome character who rather reminded her of Sanada. So until Leiko is found… she will work on the first draft of the floor plan for the Ocean Festival first.
Time was tight at this time of the year, so Tsugi quickly emptied her mind of irrelevant thoughts and settled down to work.
~x~
Meanwhile, Yukimura had an unforeseen visitor.
"Please pardon my rudeness for arriving without any notice in advance," the cyan-eyed, tall slender girl who had her short orange hair styled in a neat fashion bowed and introduced herself, "my name is Yoshikawa Leiko, I believe Yanagi-buchou should have mentioned about me."
"She did. You're her treasurer, aren't you?" Yukimura smiled politely at her, "A singles player with an impossibly graceful tennis style consisting of nine strokes inspired by numbers… The 'Laidback Ace', Yoshikawa Leiko."
Otherwise known as the underground vice-captain of the girls tennis club. While Yamatari Kichi was nice, she could hardly be depended on when it comes down to paperwork, so inevitably all the paperwork would fall on Tsugi and this shrewd treasurer.
"That would be me," she adjusted her glasses, not a whiff of humbleness on her and yet she didn't come off as arrogant. A very interesting girl, Yukimura noted, it was no wonder both Nio and Renji were drawn to her. And yet…
"You've probably heard about my messy social ties, hence I won't try to berate you about yours, but have a look at this. It's confidential materials so I hope no words would leak out about our meeting," Leiko took out a file and pointed to the sheet placed in the first pocket.
Yukimura took the file in his hands and glanced through it, his eyes remained still waters as he studied the document briefly.
"Your purpose, Yoshikawa-san?" The blue-haired boy handed the file back, coolly without any ebb in his cerulean blue eyes.
"I beseech you, Yukimura-san," Leiko said calmly, her choice of words was a stark contradiction to her flat tone, "You've seen her projected grades for the next exam based on her current test scores… Yanagi-buchou had always been poor at Chemistry, but never had I thought that she would scrape pass by such a thin margin. And I believe, you know too, that English is her forte. This is the first time my data told me that she has the possibility of being outdone."
"Are you implying that this is my fault?" asked Yukimura in a strangely mirthful tone.
"Perhaps not solely so, but you're definitely a noteworthy one out of the many factors," replied Leiko confidently.
"Yoshikawa-san is a very efficient and thorough person," Yukimura praised her, "but… perhaps you do not understand her enough. Yanagi is very much like myself in some senses, she's not one to blunder in serious circumstances, and I thought you'd know by now, but do not ever use data to constrain her. Renji told me once that she never fails to surpass his predictions."
Leiko's pointed gaze laid on him, obviously not taking well to his outright denial of her data.
"You seem to disagree, but you'll see when exams come about," Yukimura shrugged his shoulders in a nonchalant manner, "I appreciate your visit, Yoshikawa-san, I've heard a lot about you."
"By 'a lot', I assume you mean those scandals," Leiko remarked dryly.
"I wouldn't call them 'scandals' in your case, Yoshikawa-san. You're the envy of all your peers, even more so than Yanagi," Yukimura's smile was infuriatingly bright.
A nerve twitched within Leiko, perhaps… she shouldn't have made this visit at all. Yukimura made her feel like she was merely entertaining him here, and she was a comedian unpaid.
"Indeed…" Leiko took a deep breath, unable to retort Yukimura, "still, I hope you will think about what I've said. Rikkai Dai doesn't allow for any slipups. If she fails, she's done for." And we are done for, too.
Rikkai Dai girls tennis club needed Tsugi, much like how the boys tennis club needed Yukimura. The main role of a captain was not being a trump card, but to serve as the team's mental pillar of support and boost the team's morale. Leiko had seen how the boys team was like without their captain, and there was no way she'd let her own team face the same predicament.
"Have faith in your captain, Yoshikawa-san. When had she ever failed you?"
Again, Leiko found no evidence to back up an antithesis to his statement. Lips turned down in an annoyed scowl, she said with brusque courtesy, "… I wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery, Yukimura-san."
"Thank you, Yoshikawa-san. Before you leave… will you do me the favour of handing this to her?" Yukimura pulled out an art piece from the drawer. In a scenic setting, incongruous sketches of little figures and drawings of random objects were scattered over the picture. Frankly, it was a very interesting painting, and Leiko would have loved to study it if it weren't handed to her by Yukimura Seiichi, "I painted the background, and the children in the hospital added life to the picture," explained Yukimura as he smiled at the painting fondly, "They insisted on giving her a present when they found out that her birthday is today. In fact, they'd have loved to hand it to her personally but she wouldn't be able to visit today."
"… You're awfully full of yourself," Leiko remarked, but she accepted the painting nonetheless, "I'm leaving now."
"I appreciate your visit, Yoshikawa-san. Your gift was very practical."
Upon hearing that, the orange-haired girl who had already turned her back on him took a glance behind her shoulder, a thoughtful, inquisitive look in her eyes. Yukimura wasn't looking in her direction anymore, and after a while she simply turned around and left wordlessly.
She wasn't interested in knowing anything about Yukimura Seiichi if it didn't concern her captain, but… was there anything about Yukimura that didn't concern her captain now?
~x~
It was only when Leiko handed the painting over to Tsugi that the latter realized where the former had been on the afternoon of her birthday. Tsugi could vaguely guess the purpose behind Leiko's unpermitted leave, and while she didn't blame her she had to punish her to make an example out of her.
"Twenty laps around the court, Leiko."
Leiko obeyed without any dispute. After getting changed, she took off.
Tsugi unrolled the painting and she studied it intently, after a long while she emitted an inaudible sigh.
Yukimura… something is on his mind again.
(1) Makoto ni moushiwake gozaimasen deshita: Literally 'I sincerely apologize for what I did.' An extremely formal apology which Japanese only use when they have committed a severe mistake, such as being guilty of a heinous crime. In the past, it was used by dishonoured samurais or ninjas… and there is a tacit meaning to this line. It is the line to be used when a samurai or ninja falls in love with the shogun's daughter.
(2) Yurushite ageru: Informal form of 'I forgive you'.
Happy early New Year because I don't think I will get another chapter up in time for me to say this on New Year itself!
Therefore the purpose of a storm is to breed a rainbow~ without conflicts, how will they have breakthroughs? I personally enjoyed writing this chapter a lot because it unravelled a lot about the relationship between Yukimura and Tsugi, recorded the growth of it, how their relationship is seen in other people' eyes and how different it is for the two who are within the relationship itself.
The foreshadowing in this chapter is for a different story which will be in the same verse as HTTW if it does happen to be uploaded.
I was reminded of this time I volunteered at a centre where they took care of patients who are mentally challenged. Some of them are diagnosed sociopaths. I had seen them and they are really not out of control, nor do they wreck havocs all the time so I was tempted to arrange an appearance for Natsuki again. Regardless of what researchers say about sociopaths, they are innately different from psychopaths and I believe that they are kind people at the bottom of their heart. Even though they have problems expressing it, well, there's no denying their nature or rather... human nature.
どんな言葉も 聞こえないフリ
ドアにもたれて 崩れ落ちて
優しい君の 声が響くよ
見透かさないで 弱気な心
聞こえてる 分かってる
いつだって そばに居た これからも？
繰り返す 何度でも
同じ台詞 迷ったまま
追いかける 消えそうな
足音に 気がついて
夜空を見上げ 流れ星見て
願いごとさえ 言えないまま
強くなりたい 君に会えない
臆病になる 弱気な心
焦ってる 震えてる
迷わない そう決めて もう何度？
消え残る 星たちに
祈り続け 夜が明けて
「もう一度」 繰り返し
叫んでる 行かないで
繰り返す 何度でも
同じ台詞 迷ったまま
追いかける 消えそうな
足音に 気がついて
消え残る 星たちに
祈り続け 夜が明けて
「もう一度」 繰り返し
叫んでる 行かないで
Pretending not to hear any sound
Leaning on the door, body and mind begin to fall apart
.
Your gentle voice sounded
Please don't see through, my cowardly mind
Audible, I understand too
No matter when, you will always be by my side, but will it be so in the future?
.
Just keep feeling lost, endless repetition
Saying the same lines
Sensed, the footsteps which had always been searching
Slowly furthering and disappearing
.
Looked up at the sky, saw shooting stars
Can't even say my wish
.
Want to become strong, can't see you
Became timid, cowardly heart
Anxiously, trembling,
Wasn't the decision made to never feel lost again, how many times had it been?
.
Praying to the sparse stars in the sky
Till dawn
「Give me one more chance」 keep repeating
Shouting, please do not go
.
Just keep feeling lost, endless repetition
Saying the same lines over and over
Sensed, the footsteps which had always been searching
Slowly furthering and disappearing
.
Praying to the sparse stars in the sky
Till dawn
「Give me one more chance」 keep repeating
Shouting, please do not go