Warnings- depression, mild suicidal thoughts, somewhat graphic images.
"Whatcha drawin there kiddo?" Sans asked, peeking over your shoulder. You quickly moved to cover the sketch book and tried to play it off.
"N-nothing Sans. Just doodling." You said with a fake chuckle.
"Can I see?" He asked, interested in your art. You felt your heart stutter at the thought of Sans seeing your art.
"Actually, I have to get going now." You said, gathering your stuff. "Maybe next time?"
"Um, yeah sure." He said, a little shocked at your sudden need to leave. You offer him a quick smile before bolting out the door.
You made it back home in five minutes, one good thing about the monsters living in the same town as you. You went up to your room and closed the door. Sitting on the bed, you flipped back to the page you were working on.
A haunting face stared back at you, dark graphite forming messy hair and a screaming mouth. The girl in the picture was crying, but her eyes were smiling – or at least you were trying to get it to look that way.
Your sketchbook was your diary, your coping mechanism. All your dark thoughts were transferred into doodles and sketches and full scenes.
Going one page back, you saw one of your favorite pieces. It was a large tree, a small girl swinging on a rope swing on the left, and an adult swinging from a noose on the right. Just seeing the somber scene made you feel a little better.
You heard your mom come home, so you stashed the sketchbook under your pillow and went to help her carry in the groceries.
Sans sat on his couch, trying to make sense of what just happened.
He always knew you were a fantastic artist, so it was no surprise to see a fantastic sketch of a woman on the page. All he managed to see before you left was that the woman was crying. It looked like she was in a lot of pain.
That worried Sans. You always seemed too happy, but the fact that you were so happy after everything that happened… that didn't seem healthy.
He remembered the nightmares you used to have, back before the barrier was actually broken. As soon as everyone made it to the surface, you snapped right out of it. No one questioned it, not even Sans…
Until now.
Sans rubbed the back of his head and sighed, trying to think of how to ask about that picture without making everything awkward between you.
"What are you doing kid?" He asked to the air.
"You always have that little book with you." Undyne said one day. You were just hanging out, everyone doing their own thing but enjoying the company of their friends. You had been sketching something else – a wrist bleeding lace. It was one of your favorite so far, the lace looking so delicate and dangerous.
You quickly flipped to a decoy page, where a half-finished sketch of Asgore's throne room was drawn. You started working on it again, adding more details to the thousands of flowers carpeting the floor.
"Yeah, I just really like sketching." You said, turning the book around and showing the decoy picture.
"W-wow! That's amazing!" Alphys said, moving closer to take a closer look. You blushed, not thinking it was that great.
"What's behind it?" Papyrus asked. He could see the faint lines of anther drawing behind the throne room drawing. The dark graphite showing through the thin pages. You felt your stomach drop but couldn't see a way out of this.
"J-just a doodle. I messed up so it's n-not finished." You said, stalling.
"Well, can the great Papyrus see this doodle? He asked again, tilting his head to one side like a puppy. You couldn't say no. With a reluctant page turn, you showed them the other drawing. It was much darker than the last.
It was a young girl with a long black braid that was curling around her neck. Her face was calm, smiling but crying black. The background was pure black except a ring of white around the girl so she would stand out against the darkness.
The room was silent for a moment, everyone too shocked at the image to say anything. Papyrus was or course the first to snap out of his shock.
"W-wowie! This certainly shows much skill!" He said uncertainly. Everyone else awkwardly nodded and mumbled. You quickly closed the book and stashed it in your backpack.
"Anyway…. I need to go. Um, school work and all that." Your voice was shaking. You never wanted anyone to see your drawings. They were your outlet… Now they're going to worry. You rushed home and locked yourself in your room again, opening to a fresh page.
"Hey kid. Sorry about the arrangements, but you know how it is. We'd all feel better if you stayed with someone when your mom's outta town for the week." Sans put his hands up in a surrender motion, but you could tell he was being sarcastic.
"Yeah, yeah. Just as long as you don't start acting like a dad again." You said with a grin. He grinned back, remembering the first time you stayed with him and his brother back in Snowdin. He hovered over you, constantly asking if you were hungry, or thirsty, or cold, or bored. You lasted all of two hours before telling him to knock it off.
"Hehe alright kid. I'll be the cool uncle this time." His grin faded slightly but didn't say anything about his sudden change in demeanor. "You want some pizza? I should have some leftovers in the fridge."
Sans moved out of his brother's house after coming to the surface, so him not really having food was a mix of concerning and expected. You watched him shuffle around on the fridge and thought it was a fun view to draw.
With a shit-eating grin, you brought you your sketch book and began doing a rough sketch of Sans, his butt sticking out of the fridge. You got so sucked into drawing, you didn't notice him disappear from in front of you and reappear slightly behind your left shoulder.
"That's pretty good kid." He said directly into your ear, startling you.
"Don't scare me like that!" You practically screeched. He just snickered, but stopped abruptly. You tried to steady your heart beat as you looked at him oddly.
"Then why do you have the right to scare us?" He asked, more seriously that you've heard him in a long time.
"What are you talking about?" You asked, honestly confused. His eye sockets went black – something that used to scare the crap out of your as a kid but has since lost its scare factor. Something you haven't gotten used to, however, was teleportation. He teleported you to the kitchen, making sure you were firmly seated.
"I'm talking about this." Your sketch book was tossed into the table. The hard cover caused the book to spin on the surface of the table, coming to rest directly in front of you.
"Hey! That's mine!" Your protectiveness of your secrets caused you to try to escape the hold of his magic. It was no use, his blue keeping you firmly seated.
"Yeah well…" Sans used his powers to open the cover. The very first page showed a person with stitches keeping the mouth shut. The figure was using a razor blade to cut the stitches apart. Your eyes trained on the picture, remembering exactly how you felt the day you drew that one.
You had come home from school crying because you had been lied to by your so called best friend. You tried talking to your mom about it, but she had to rush out to work. You felt alone, silenced. You had no one to talk to. That picture reflected how you felt that day.
"What about it? It's just a drawing." You said defensively. Sans just flicked his hand again, causing the page to turn.
The second page was a first person view of an arm, as if the viewer was looking down at their own arm. The arm was covered in dozens of cuts, some openly bleeding and others half healed. The only color on page were the little Band-Aids, barely covering the cuts. They were colored pink and green and blue – all such innocent colors.
This was the day you thought of killing yourself the first time. It was supposed to symbolize that 'sorry' and 'I love you' were just small bandages that wouldn't be able to fix the painful wounds covering your heart.
"Sans… please stop… These are my drawings. I don't want anyone else seeing them." You said, eyes stinging with unshed tears.
"Sorry kid, but we have to talk about this. These pictures are… disturbing to say the least. Got me real worried 'bout you and your head." Sans said, sitting across from you.
"I'm fine Sans." You said gruffly, not looking him in the eye.
"Come on kid, we both know that's not true." He responded softly, sounding calmer and more supporting than he did when he first confronted you.
"I use the drawings to get my emotions out. I've never been able to keep a real diary. I always forgot to write and it just didn't work out. I found that drawing things make me feel better. A lot of them are more intense than what I actually feel though, so there's nothing to really worry about."
"The fact that you're feeling this way at all is pretty worrying. It don't matter if it's as intense as these drawings. No one should feel this bad, ever." He manually flipped through a few more pages, examining the sketches and their details.
"It's nothing…" You mumbled, not completely comfortable with him looking through the book.
"Explain these to me." He said suddenly. You blinked owlishly at him before he thought to explain. "What were you thinking when you drew this?" He said, flipping back to the first page and pointing to the stitched face.
You started slowly, explaining what had happened that day. How your mom left you alone. How you felt completely abandoned. He stayed silent as you explained.
Your chest started feeling light, like how it felt when you drew. He turned the page after you finished and asked about that one. He went through each and every one of them, asking for you to explain how you felt while making them.
Some of the doodles didn't have any stories behind them, and some of them were a little happier, like the sketch of Asgore's throne room and one that you did of Papyrus posing with Undyne. Those were some of your favorites.
"Thanks kid." Sans said after a few hours of you talking. You looked up at him, slightly confused. He somehow magiced a glass of water in front of you. Taking a sip, you realized how badly your throat hurt from talking so much.
"For what?" You asked, finishing the glass.
"For trusting me with this. I get how hard it can me to open up and stuff." He closed the sketch book and slid it back to you. You took it from the table and slipped it in the bag.
"Thanks for… listening. And not judging me I guess."
"Judge you? I could never." His usual lazy grin was back on his face, replacing the air of normalcy to the room. You smiled faintly at him, but the moment was ruined by your stomach growling loudly. He just chuckled at your sheepish grin. "How about some take out? There's this sweet Thai place down the road."
"Sounds good Sans." You said, but you really meant "thank you for everything you've done for me"
Another short(ish) chapter. This was given to me a while ago but I never got around to it until now! This is something else I relate to a lot. I used to doodle stuff like this in my math notebook instead of taking notes. Thankfully no one ever saw them.
I'm hoping to maybe upload a smallish chapter once a week, or a long one every other? I know I keep saying "Oh yeah this is totally going to be my update schedule y'all" then I end up not following it at all ever.
I have a plan for a longish one next maybe? It'll be the dancetale AU, so look forward to that in the next few chapters! I also have some other very unique ideas, though I'm starting to think I'm moving way far away from the original hurt/comfort aspect of this story.
ANYWAY thanks everyone for your support and love! It never fails to make me smile : ) y'all keep me young.
Until next time!
~Starlight