AN: and things get worse. honestly, they're gonna get really bad before they get better? the next chapter is the last pov of sasuke's for this arc but he'll definitely be showing up again just not as the pov. anyway. i'm sorry. I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS AND HURTING SASUKE BUT. w/e here it is.
The days pass on.
Boruto turns five.
They have a big party, again, the biggest since his first birthday. They hang streamers up in the back garden and Sasuke even tries to bake a cake for the occasion. Naruto fetches a camcorder, some clunky thing he bought from an old store, and records the entire event. Sakura brings a camera and takes normal pictures, clucking her tongue at Naruto as he runs around like a child.
And there are plenty of children there.
It seems everywhere he goes the Uchiha is running into a toddler or child. Shikamaru and co clearly have the most but, if Ino's latest gossip is true, (and it looks like it is), then Gai and Kakashi are close to catching up with their three. (naruto talks about how gai wants to adopt every orphan he comes across. lee and tenten, both orphans themselves, are the same way.) And well- if that wood user is really with them- then they are caught up.
(ino gossips about yamato sometimes, the mysterious former anbu who showed back up in the village one day with a child. she gossips about if he's with kakashi and gai or not, "like shikamaru and all of them, you know?" and sometimes sakura even joins in. sasuke just listens.)
Sasuke, like usual, attempts to stick to the back of the garden. He watches the scenes unfold from afar, nodding to the camera only when Naruto or Sakura gesture.
The children play games, even the older surly looking ones, and then Sasuke is dragged up front by Naruto to help Boruto open presents.
"I have one arm. I don't know how much help I'll be-"
"Sasuke please! We've all seen you with that sword by now! Not good with one arm my ass!" Ino calls out from the crowd, Sakura blanching while Naruto cackles. "Ino! Children!"
(some in the crowd go pale, a sign that no, they haven't seen sasuke with his sword yet.)
Resigned to his fate Sasuke crouches and hands gifts to his now five year old son to rip open. Boruto oohs and awes with each gift.
For the most part Sasuke barely registers the gifts as they're opened. Clothes. Books. Toys. Nothing special until-
"Your first kunai set!" Tenten's voice is full of pride as Boruto yells happily, hoisting the kunai up and showing them off.
"Now I can be a real ninja!" he says, "just like you and Daddy, Papa!"
Sasuke can't hear, everything goes cold and silent, his heart stopping in his chest.
Just like you!
He's going to be sick.
He's going to be sick.
He's going to-
"Papa?"
Someone's reaching over to take the gift, put it with the others, while Boruto stares up at him.
He feels bile in the back of his throat.
Just like you.
"Papa?"
Sasuke breathes.
(just like you. just like you. just like you.)
"Let's open your next one, Boruto."
He waits until the presents are done and the cake's been cut to break away. He excuses himself with a murmur of a sick stomach and stumbles inside the house. The moment the back door closes the former shinobi finds himself sliding against the wall, down down down until he's on the floor, face pale and breathing laboured.
He counts.
One.
(his father giving him his first kunai for a birthday.)
Two.
(watching his brother to learn how to throw.)
Three.
(i want to be like you, dad. i want to be like you, itachi.)
Four.
(just like you, papa.)
Five.
(boruto. innocent. smiling.)
Six.
(boruto, sapphire blue eyes, smiling, dissolving into a younger version of himself- crying.)
Seven.
(itachi crying in front of him. itachi killing his family for konoha.)
Eight.
(itachi. konoha. itachi. konoha. itachi. itachi- boruto turning into itachi, worse, boruto turning into himself. even worse. even worse.)
Nine.
Sasuke shoves himself off the floor and stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, collapsing on the bed with a breathless gasp.
He closes his eyes and bites down on his lip until the blood pours down his chin.
Ten.
A week goes by, then a month. At some point Sasuke loses track of them all. He can feel his strength ebbing away with every new day. He wakes up a little less motivated to get up, a little worse. He goes through the motions. He lives- even if it doesn't feel like really living sometimes.
Today he wakes up in a fog, emotions he can't name swirling inside like a whirlwind, his missing arm hurting and his head begging to stay in bed longer.
Go back to sleep some part of him says.
He looks at Naruto from the corner of his eye, still asleep, and closes his eyes.
He lays in bed until Boruto is awake and shaking the both of them.
"Papa! Daddy! You slept through your alarm! C'mooon!"
He stays in bed a little longer even after this- rolling over and squeezing his eyes shut tight.
Naruto's the one who actually gets him up, later, the blond putting a hand on the Uchiha's forehead to feel his temperature. Just in case.
"Sasuke? You need me to stay home with the kids today?"
No playdates today. Just him and the kids.
Hsqueezes his eyes tighter.
"I can call Kakashi and postpone our meeting, y'know? I can stay here, you can rest-"
There have been talks about Kakashi retiring soon. Naruto's been meeting with him more and more- he can't set him back. Not over this.
He sits up.
"No, Naruto- I'm alright. Go meet with Kakashi. I can handle them today."
"You sure? Sasuke- I swear I can stay-"
He avoids looking at Naruto, the blond's worried gaze, and instead throws the blankets off as he gets off the bed.
"Go, Naruto."
He doesn't shower that morning, Naruto already running late, and instead merely changes. Downstairs the children are already eating cereal and Naruto hugs them both tight before leaving.
"Call me and I'll come running home, okay? Promise."
Sasuke closes the door behind him and sits down at the table. He puts his head in his hand and closes his eyes.
"It's mine, Himawari! You can't have them!"
"Nooo! It's mine! Mine!"
He's on the couch in the den, head lolled back against the cushions, as the two youngsters scream from somewhere behind him. They've been fighting for a while now and normally, normally he would have stopped it by now but- today he can't. He doesn't have it in him to separate them. He just wants to go back to bed. Wants to sleep until he feels something beyond what he's feeling now.
He just wants to go back to bed.
"Himawari!"
"Papa! PAPA!"
Sasuke groans and peels his eyes open. It takes everything in him to move his head from the back of the couch and turn it to glare towards the voices behind him. He can vaguely see Boruto and Himawari tugging a stuffed cat between them. Irritation flares to life in the back of Sasuke's head.
"Boruto! Give it to your sister- now. Find something else to play with."
The boy drops the cat, pouting, and Sasuke sighs. He turns back to staring at the turned off tv, eyes drooping close as the time passes.
Behind him Himawari babbles to the toy. The house quiets.
He drifts off.
He wakes up to yelling.
"I got it! Haha! Himawari, did you see that?"
There's squealing and clapping followed by Boruto's laughter.
"Borubro! Good! Good job!"
The voices waft in through the open back door, clearly from the garden. Sasuke's mind adjusts slowly, still half asleep, still in a fog, when he hears it:
The sound of metal slicing through the air. The thunk of something embedding into something else-
The hair on Sasuke's arm raises as he stands up, rushing outside, Sharigan coming to life, eyes wild and breath frantic. His mind rushes. They're under attack. They're under attack. They're-
"Papa!"
Boruto stands in the back garden, holding the kunai from his birthday gift. Himawari stands next to him holding the rest. In front of them sits the cat toy from earlier, they've sat it up on a stool and there's kunai littering the ground next to it. One sticks out from the leg of the stool. Another is pushed deep in the stuffed toy's head. Cotton and fabric drip from it like a warped picture of gore.
Sasuke's mouth goes dry.
"Papa! Look! I can throw them! I taught myself!"
The whiskers on his face bunch up as he smiles, bright and blinding, like Naruto.
But Sasuke doesn't see Naruto.
Not this time.
"What are you doing?!" He's wrenching Boruto's arm up before he can stop himself, anger and worry awash on his face. "These aren't for playing! You could have hurt yourself- or your sister!"
Himawari's dropped the kunai by now, stumbling back with wide eyes while her older brother stutters. His little tan hands grip the kunai tighter as he squeezes his eyes shut, tears brimming them.
"I- I wasn't playing Papa! I was training! So I can be a ninja like you and Daddy!"
He doesn't think. He can't think. Not now. He can't see the horror in his son's face, how his daughter is pulling at his pant legs.
"No, Boruto. You can't be like me!"
The kunai drops from the five year old's hand. Tears drip down his face and he chokes a sob back, eyes wide.
Sasuke lets him go. He steps back.
Boruto runs inside, crying. Himawari runs after him.
Nausea and guilt hits Sasuke all at once. The Uchiha stumbles inside to the phone. He doesn't hesitate before dialing the number to Kakashi's office. He yells for his former sensei to put Naruto on the phone.
"Come home. Please."
Naruto's on his way before Sasuke hangs up, he knows it.
He walks out the front door, down the street until he's in a familiar district. It's been destroyed by war and time but it's still here.
Sasuke falls to his knees in the old Uchiha district, dry heaving from the guilt of it all.
His limbs shake, his chest screams for air he can't quite get to his lungs, and his mind moves too fast for him to focus on anything but what he's done.
He tries to count.
(one. two.)