AN: i'm sorry. but shit will get better eventually. still. I'M SORRY.
The hours tick by. Sasuke sits forlorn on his old family dock, staring across the silent lake, until the daylight stretches into night. He knows, in the back of his mind, he needs to go home. He knows naruto must be panicking, worried sick, because he called him and then he left but-
Guilt eats him up and Sasuke stays put for a while instead.
Eventually he does rise to his feet and leaves. He walks through the district one last time, staring at the empty place. What once was like a ghost town has been cleared away to emptiness now. No more buildings since pein's attack on the village years ago. Konoha cleared the rubble away but left the district empty.
It's still like an open wound for Sasuke, a sore that won't heal whenever he's here.
What would they think of him now?
(would have any of them approved of him? he knows itachi wouldn't now but, it was something he was starting to accept.)
It's dark by the time he makes it home and stands outside the door for a while before creaking it open. The entryway is lit up but, the rest of the house is dark. It's quiet inside and Sasuke feels his heart throb.
He fucked up. He's fucked up worse than ever before and he knows it.
How could he expect to try and be a parent when he's the way he is? How could he even try to pretend?
He's still standing in the doorway when Naruto finally appears on the stairs, rushing towards him.
"Sasuke!"
Sasuke closes the door. He breathes in.
"What the hell?" The anger in Naruto's voice is deserved. He screwed up. The uchiha breathes, shifting his gaze to Naruto and takes it.
"You call me and I get home and you're gone and Boruto and Himawari were crying- Boruto won't stop apologizing-"
"I fucked up."
The blond blinks a moment, taken aback, before scowling.
"Yeah, you did! I was scared when i got home, Sasuke!"
Sasuke breathes.
"What happened? What was wrong?"
Naruto moves his arm wildly, still talking, still angry and Sasuke can feel the storm inside him grow and grow. Threatening to burst.
(one. two.)
"Sasuke?!"
"Everything."
It's half muttered so it's no shock that Naruto has to lean forward, face turning questioning.
"What?"
"Everything!" It's out before he can stop himself. Built up emotions bubbling over, out of his mouth. "Everything was wrong- is wrong, Naruto!" He throws his hand up to his hair, dragging the fingers through his ragged locks.
He can feel his breathing harshen, a gasp escaping from his chest, and his mind rushes too fast to keep up.
"I can't keep doing this," he laments after a moment, eyes wet. "I can't do this. It's going to kill me."
He can't see naruto, Sasuke's own eyes closed tight but, he can feel when the man steps up to gingerly touch him. Sasuke steps back, wrenching away from the touch. He knows it's going to hurt Naruto. Rejection. But he can't- he doesn't want to be touched right now.
He can't be touched right now.
"What are you talking about, Sasuke?"
He gasps again, half choked in his throat, and drops his hand from his hair. Strands fall with it as they're pulled from the root.
"This!" He gestures to the room. To everything. Everything.
"The house?"
"Yes! It! Everything! Konoha! This damn village- It's going to kill me. It's going to kill all of us."
"I'm going to fix things, Sasuke. I told you-"
"You can't fix the past, Naruto!" He can't catch his breath. He can't breathe. "You can't fix what it did to Itachi- to me- to my family- You can't fix me!"
He stops, tongue heavy in his mouth, and swallows. His chest heaves.
"You can't fix me. I just see them. All the time. I just-"
He looks up now. Naruto looks horrified, hurt, angry across from him.
"All I see is Boruto turning into me or Itachi. I screamed at him tonight. I hurt him. I can't do this naruto. I'm not a parent- I'm not-"
An uneasy, sick feeling fills up his stomach as he looks at Naruto. His blue eyes wobble, tears spilling over them down his cheeks.
He made Naruto cry. Again.
"Why didn't you tell me you weren't happy, Sasuke?"
Guilt hits him in the chest.
"How long have you been pretending?! Why didn't you-"
"I-" Sasuke swallows. His voice is lost again, words gone.
"Have you been doing this just for me? Did you even- did you even want to be here?!"
He doesn't know. He doesn't know.
"I love you, Naruto. I- You being happy and getting what you deserved was more important-"
"Like hell it was!" Naruto's screaming now, eyes wild and tears running down his face. "You have to be happy too- I wanted us to be happy together, Sasuke!"
The blond swallows, laughing shakily and bitterly, sobs escaping him. "I wanted us to be happy. I wanted you to be happy with me. But you're not. You're not happy here."
"I'm sorry."
Naruto sobs again and moves to wipe his eyes with his sleeve. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't notice. I should have-" He stops short as a look crosses his face. "-You want to leave, don't you?"
Sasuke doesn't answer.
"How long?"
He doesn't answer.
"God damn it, Sasuke. Did you even want them- our kids?"
He answers here. "Boruto and Himawari mean everything to me- but I'm not- I'm not- I'm not good for them-"
He closes his eyes as Naruto swallows hard. He can feel him grabbing his shoulder now and, this time, he doesn't shrug him off.
"If you're not happy here, Sasuke- if you'll be happier somewhere else- you can go. Don't stay for me, you idiot. I want you here when you're happy- when you're okay."
Sasuke swallows, eyes wetting. He doesn't reject his best friend's hug as his own shoulders shake as he breaks down into sobs, chin burrowing onto the blonde's shoulder.
He fucked up.
He fucked up so bad.
It''s late. The kids are already fast asleep so Sasuke moves quietly as so to not wake them. He stops by Himawari's room first. She's asleep, curled up with her toy panda, eyes shut tight, and Sasuke breathes in the peace she gives off.
She's alive. She's safe. She's good.
He wants her to stay that way.
After lingering in Himawari's room, touching her hair for a moment, Sasuke leaves.
Boruto's room is next.
He steps into the room, moon shining through the window, giving it a soft light, and takes it all in. Toys are scattered across the floor, drawings taped up to the walls alongside picture frames of Boruto and his family. Boruto and Shikadai.
Sasuke walks forward tentatively towards the bed where the dark haired child is wrapped up in a thick blanket. His hand hovers near the soft, baby lock when- suddenly- the child stirs beneath his covers.
Boruto's eyes blink awake, still red from tears shed earlier, and he stares up at his father.
"Papa?"
Sasuke has to remember how to breathe.
"Go back to sleep, Boruto."
"Papa- Papa you came back- I'm sorry Papa I didn't mean to make you mad I'm sorry-"
(one. two.)
"Boruto- it's alright."
The child sniffs, sitting up, and reaches up to grab his father's hand, hugging it close.
"Will you tell me a story, Papa? Please?"
It's killing him. Being here. Watching him.
Sasuke breathes and pulls his hand back, gently poking the boy's head to push him back down.
(he won't realize what he's done until he's outside of konoha. and he'll regret it. he'll regret so much.)
"Later, Boruto."