A/N: Title taken from "Relief" by . -Isa

Chapter 12 - Relief in all things

On his way across town Remus reflected on what was next. The last twenty-four hours had made it impossible to go back to his previous state of denial. He breathed a sigh of relief. It now seemed to him that much of his energy had gone into suppressing the memories of his dreams of being a werewolf. The word itself, which had made him shudder uncomfortably at its absurdity didn't feel so comical anymore. He was coming to believe it. All the small bursts of violence he had felt but not acted on over the past day had done that. He wondered if that was what burdened his alter-ego and could only guess at how tired he must feel all the time, trying to stay human. Trying to live with this deep-seated and abhorred strain of cruelty.

Remus was also coming to terms, still, slowly, with the knowledge that he might have been repressing something else entirely all this time himself. Had he, maybe, possibly, been "in the closet"? He had had girlfriends, and he did like women, there was no question about that. But maybe, what the werewolf was to his alter-ego, his ability to desire men as well as women was to him. It had seemed like a new thing, this hunger. He looked around him. Behind him there was an older man with regulation-short black hair with a grey streak at each temple. No reaction. Well, he wasn't attracted to all women either. Remus was puzzled though: he wasn't especially conservative and there wasn't anything that particularly shocked about the idea that one could be attracted to the same sex. It was just that he very badly didn't want this to apply to him. It made him different. And he did not want to be different. But at this point he wondered whose judgement he needed to meet with normalcy. In fact, had anyone ever cared about him fitting in, other than he himself? Snape didn't care. Then again, he didn't seem to be interested in what other people thought of him in man was clearly driven by one thing only and would leave everything else by the side of the road to pursue his goal of finding out about the other world. And Remus was felt drawn to that as well as alienated by it.

The door to Remus' flat let him in, welcoming him in the articially cheerful voice he ignored daily. Now, it seemed like the only familiar voice in his daily life. A surrogate family member. He went over to his closet and pulled out a change of clothes which he deposted on the towel heater in the bathroom. He turned on the shower and stepped in, feeling that if he could wash away all his confusion it would be possible to just go back to living his life as he had. He could consult the messages left for him by his supervisor and possibly by the friends worried about his being "kidnapped" from the strip club by what they though must be some government official. However, he did not want to run the risk of checking and finding no messages. Chances were that his supervisor was be busy with his own work and his friends, among whom there were one or two promising young ethics students who were also candidates for a place at the government had sworn the others to silence, in fear of a scandal that might sully their track-records.

Dressed and clean, Remus went to his window and looked out. The street below was pristine, as ever. It was so incredibly dull. That was what decided him. He went around the flat, gathering his things: identification, asthma medication, two changes of clothes, the tent he had bought and never used, a sleeping bag. He went to the cupboard and checked whether he had any long-lasting food to take with him. Peering into his own, almost empty cabinet, wich contained nothing more than a packet of rusks and some instant coffee-ersatz and thought back to Snape's spice cupboard and then to the boar meat that he had enjoyed so much. It struck him that he might be able to hunt, in the event that the experiment did turn out badly. 'With what? My claws?' he thought to himself, sarcastically. He would have to make sure that he had enough financial resources to last a while.

Remus glanced at his things in a pile on the floor. He then imagined himself carrying them thourgh the streets and couldn't help but think that he would attract unwanted attention. It wasn't a holiday, or even the weekend and the locals would be sure to point him out to the militia, in hopes of gaining a reward for useful information on a potential... what? Fugitive? Criminal.

Remus lumped his things back into his closet, which gave the signal reproaching untidiness. And because Remus was not a real rebel yet, he did take the time to unpack, to fold and to sort out his possessions and place them in their rightful spots.

Severus had rushed to the laboratory, buying a packet of toast on the way, with which he replaced the stale one on floor three. He supposed that anyone checking the security footage would suppose that the young, quiet scientist from the basement had had a sudden hunger pang and was making amends. In any case he preferred to not do anything that might provoke someone other than the cleaners to pay him a visit. In fact, he would have to give orders to have his animals fed and sold, eventually. He didn't especially care about what people might think of his own disappearance, but there was no need to provoke a "post-mortem" complaint for cruelty to animals.

It took him less time than he expected to pack his equipment into a box, including a few poisonous chemicals, should his... he still didn't have a term... he accomplice not be able to go through with the original plan of strangulation. Having sealed the box tightly he went to Lucius' favourite bar. The owner, a nasty looking man called Rookwood, was surprised to see him in the middle of the day.

"Malfoy said you might come begging." he sneered.

Severus did his best to act as if that was indeed his purpose in paying a visit to the Fleur-de-Lys, 'What kind of a royalist prat did they let name this place?' , and said:

"You are a credit to drug-trafficking, I'm sure." Severus said as dryly and disainfully as he could. "Actually, I have a favour to ask" he said. Rookwood looked at him defiantly.

"I had a bit of a... shall we say a mishap and I need something shipped discreetly. Do you have any connections?"

Rookwood stared at Severus appraisingly. He grinned, having sized him up and feeling like he had the upper hand.

"It will cost you." Rookwood said.

"Of course." Severus answered.

"Go out the back. Where the girls' rooms are. There's an emergency exit. The alarm's off and you should find a man who may or may not be conscious. Spitting image of Lucius, though he swears he's got nothing to do with him. He'll deliver your goods. Now, I want paying first."

Rookwood and Severus haggled for a while, enough for Severus to be sure that he had given the impression of being desperate and a cheapscate at the same time. He made his way to the emergency exit and on the other side he found, of course, Draco Malfoy, drawing breath through a flavoured nicotine tube. Interestingly, Severus noted, the boy, who was not a boy at all, seemed to be a little older than himself. In fact he seemed to be older than Lucius and had nothing of his sleekness. This man was evidently a junkie of some sort. For an instant, he thought he saw a glimmer of recognition in Draco's eyes, but they dulled to an unfocused expression. He was clearly high and Severus grew a little concerned that his precious equipment might not arrive at his flat in its original state.

"Rookwood send you?" Draco asked. Severus noted a missing canine and felt slightly sorry for the man. Apparently, family ties in this world and the other one were very different.

"Yes." And Severus proceeded to give Draco instructions for the delivery.

When Severus got to his flat, Remus was already there, having been let in by the door. Severus looked for the luggage he had expected the student to bring with him, but couldn't find any.

"Travelling light?" he said.

Remus nodded, feeling he would rather not explain. He said:

"I would like a favour from you. I er... brought back some food. If we are going to do something as risky as this, I at least want to have a good last meal." he finished, a faint flush spreading across his nose and cheeks. He turned to the kitchen.

Somewhat surprised, and not a little flattered, Severus nodded.

"Let's see what you brought."

It was meat. Almost exclusively meat. Deer, more boar, goat, horse, antelope, quail. Severus grinned, making sure not to show. The student was beginning to develop a hedonistic streak it seemed: On his kitchen counter there sat approximately the worth of a small savings account.

"Not expecting to need your money anytime soon then." Severus said and Remus shrugged his shoulders in reply.

"Very well. I think I can work with this while we wait for my equipment to arrive."

The smells coming from the scientist's kitchen were unlike anything Remus had ever smelled in his life of ready-to-eat meals and canteen food since the blackout. They had him salivating and his stomach growling in expectation long before Severus beckoned him over to the table.

"You didn't buy anything I could use for side dishes, so I thought I might as well clean out my reserves." the scientist said.

The table was laden with several steaming dishes. There was what smelled like goat stew. The quail and the boar meat had been roasted, the antelope cooked in what seemed to be a peanut and spinach sauce.

"The Wellington is filled with the deer fillet and this, I think you will like best." Severus said motioning towards what was...

"Is that raw meat?" Remus said, feeling a little faint.

"It's called steak Tartare, and it's horse." the scientist said and Remus couldn't help noting the tone he now associated with food-snobbery.

"If I get food-poisoning, I will hold you responsible." Remus said, defiantly.

"Suit yourself. I will eat it. I doubt that food-poisoning is something I have to worry about. In fact it might help me cross over." Severus said, picking up a piece of toasted French bread he had dug out of his industrial-sized freezer -something he had nicked from his laboratory and possibly the only time he had misused govenrment funds for his private consumption- buttered it and layered on a thick lump of Tartare. He was about to bring it to his mouth, and he made sure to do so slowly for he had surmised that reverse psychology would work nicely on Remus, when it was grabbed from his hand. Remus put the whole piece in his mouth at once, fighting a gag reflex triggered by the thought of eating raw horse. He had been a little disgusted when buying it, but it was a time to try new things, he thought to himself. And what happened on his tastebuds filled him with wonder. The meat was darkest red and the tenderest thing he had eaten in his life. It was just slightly warmer than room-temperature, and tasted not unpleasantly of flesh, grass and the iron tang of blood. He grabbed for another piece of bread under Severus' amused smirk and began wolfing down more.

"I will be offended if you don't try the other things I've prepared." he said at last, when the plate was almost empty.

Remus, for his part, was ravenous. He ate recklessly, or so he thought, his good table manners still engrained, filling himself with flavours so exquisite and animal he was sad that he wouldn't be around longer to have again. And suddenly, a view of a long table on a dais in a great hall filled with schoolchildren came to his mind. It was very brief, and in the flash he was sitting between two familiar feeling people he couldn't quite place, selecting some stew or other for what felt like the first time in a while. Remus shook himself. He thought it seemed like the castle in his Lovex-dream, but didn't understand why he wasn't among the schoolchildren. In fact, now he thought of it, where he was would have been the staff table. He looked at Severus.

"I think I saw... no, remembered something. Do you know... did I...become a teacher at the school we went to?" Remus asked.

Severus grinned his grimace-like grin. Remus paused, fork in mid-air.

"Were you one too?"

"Yes. And we met, as adults. Older than we are now." Severus answered. He continued:

"Chances are, whatever happened to us to bring us here, when we get back we will both be older. I don't know what our relationship is, whether we managed to overcome our... differences."

"So this may be the last time we are..." Remus said.

"We are what?" Severus asked, hoping that the student would give him the beginnings of an answer to the question he had been asking himself all day. How to define what they had become to eachother.

Remus thought for while. Now that things were about to change, in what way he did not know yet, he thought that Snape, no, Severus, was the only person he felt anything about. And he had mixed feelings at that. But he did not want to be without him, if only to understand what he had got himself into, that was clear. He came up with the most honest answer he could:

"We need eachother." he said, flatly.

The words hit Severus like a blow to the gut. Yes, he was using Remus achieve his goal of crossing over to the other world, and he had told himself that he was detached, that his interest was functional. That word, "need", was tricky though. Something broke, and he felt an ache inside him, like nothing he had ever felt before. He noted that his body-temperature was rising: the natural result of his metabolism digesting so much animal protein at once. He tried to steady himself, but his change of emotion must have shown on his face, because suddenly Remus was looking at him with something that started out as surprise, became dread for a split second, and then warmed to curiosity and alertness. They both stood up from the table then, facing eachother as if to fight, each becoming aware of the other man's need. And suddenly they were at eachother, biting, crushing themselves against one another. Half-empty plates were brushed from the table and clattered to the floor where a cleaning robot came to tidy them up, unnoticed by the two men now half on the table. Where he had previously left of of the initiative to Remus, Severus now acted with the desperation of someone with nothing to lose. He held Remus' wrists tightly and forced him down following for a kiss that tasted of spices and blood. He then bit the other man hard on the neck.

Felling teeth graze the place where the great vessels pumped blood through his neck, something freed itself in Remus. The lust, which he was drunk on, became more savage. Moving by instinct he wrenched free of Severus' grip with surprising ease and threw him to the floor. The shadow of doubt that crossed Severus' face was the last thing he saw before being enveloped in a haze of red as he bent his head down to the other man in a wave of animal aggression and eventually slipped into nothingness.