It would be the easiest joke in the world to make about Elsa freezing up.
In this case, no one was laughing.
Anna was giggling for the first few moments after learning the news, until she saw Elsa. Joan was close to being on the verge of giggling until she saw her. Christian actually got to hug her and Kristoff came close to joining him, until they noticed she wasn't hugging back.
By the time they backed up, Robert had snapped out of his trance, cheering and hugging Elsa. He was the last to see her lack of a reaction.
"Okay, what's going on?" Anna asked. "You're gonna be a mom! Can't you save the 'what if my baby has powers?' and 'what if I can't be a mom?" questions for a day? Let's at least celebrate for a few hours before we tell everyone!"
"We can't!" Elsa finally snapped out of it. "We can't tell anyone. Not until after the wedding. Even then, it might not be enough."
"What are you talking about?" Kristoff questioned. "The kingdom's been waiting for this longer than we have! Isn't one more month a little much at this point?"
"Not when it's the last month before a royal wedding," Elsa pointed out.
"Is that all? Well, that's no problem!" Robert thought. "We all know you didn't have this child out of wedlock!"
"But no one else does," Joan realized.
"Yeah! You're already married! In a wedding….I made you do in secret," Christian figured out. "Wait, why does that make this bad again?"
"Yeah! They're the ones who need an heir so bad! They should be happy you finally listened to them! I mean, you didn't do it for them, but if they gotta believe that!" Anna reasoned. "So what if they think you did it a month early? You guys have been together for three years! I'm shocked it wasn't a lot earlier!"
"If she sees reason, maybe they will too," Robert predicted.
"Exactly! We're gonna have some words on the first part later, but the second one's all good!" Anna said.
"You're right. On paper, no one has a right to complain. But some will," Elsa admitted. "The only way to shut them up is to tell them we did conceive after getting married! Which would be a worse secret! We let one secret out, who knows if the next one will come out too! Then we'll be in worse trouble!"
She sighed and worked out a compromise. "We can't risk it. So we're keeping my….offspring a secret. For now. When our second wedding and our first honeymoon is over, we can tell them and satisfy them then."
"So in over a month, you're gonna tell them you just became pregnant," Kristoff narrowed down. "Once that baby starts showing….a lot sooner than everyone would expect, won't the math stop adding up after a while?"
"What about...morning troubles?" Anna remembered. "They start coming up early, and they will, math will be the last thing on anyone's mind! And not in the fun way!"
"Okay, okay!" Elsa tried not to get sick early. "You guys can cover for me if that happens. The baby shouldn't show before the wedding, so we should be safe there. Just in case, we should probably….be creative."
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That's how an event which should have been filled with joy, tears and hugs – especially considering how overdue it was – became one to work out cover-ups and secret systems. Anna, Kristoff, Robert, Joan and Christian would take turns watching Elsa in the morning, and had ready excuses if she had to….stay in the bathroom later than usual.
If she got a bout during a meeting or other duties, one of the adults would be on stand-by to make up excuses. Since Elsa never got sick, and only left meetings early for something family related – for family members already born – they needed to come up with doozies. And they could only blame bad chocolate and poor wedding food taste tests so many times.
Fortunately, there were just the right number of times over the next four weeks. The other problem was making sure no one thought Elsa was….getting bigger. It was too early for her to, but nothing could be left to chance.
As such, every time Elsa sat in a meeting, she made sure most of her lower body was concealed. When she stood up, it was usually right behind a chair, couch, or anything else that was up to her chest. When there was nothing that tall in the area, her back tended to be turned – and that's where years of being perceived as cold paid off.
No one got glances at Elsa's lower body longer than they had to. Royal business and wedding plans were the only things Elsa would talk about to strangers. In fact, the rest of the royal family was mum about most other things too.
Any joy or happy thoughts they had about the new baby, they had to conceal while they were in public. Any spontaneous visions of a mini-Elsa had to be squashed until they were all alone – and even then, they couldn't be too loud, just in case. And as always, the more extravagant the royal wedding became, the more they all had to hold their tongue – and guilt.
It all boiled over – maybe not boiled over – three days before the wedding.
Elsa did boil a little while kneeling in front of the toilet, as that morning's sickness worked through her. When she tried to think of what today's excuse for being late would be, the boil turned to a more familiar fear.
That was enough of a trigger to freeze the toilet halfway.
Elsa's gasp made her back up, but she didn't remember to close the door. When Robert saw what happened, he bent down to help Elsa. Yet being seen like this, and having anyone see her powers out of control like that – even and especially her secret husband – made Elsa unable to be helped.
"Get away!" Elsa used a seemingly buried instinct. "You shouldn't be here right now!"
"That's really not going to work on me," Robert warned. "Family usually makes you fix that stuff, remember?"
"You're not family! Not yet! Not to Arendelle! Neither is our…." Elsa couldn't finish, which made her turn to another old habit of hugging herself. But Robert still added an extra hug of his own.
The toilet eventually thawed, but by then the quiet sobs started to come. By then, Kristoff and Joan had made their way in too. "What's going on?" Kristoff had to ask.
"Not morning sickness. Not growing a baby. Not being held by my husband!" Elsa said into Robert's arms. "So what's today's lie going to be instead?"
"We can use wedding jitters by now, right?" Joan hoped.
"You know what? If that gets me the day off, go for it," Elsa said, pulling out of Robert's arms. "Use whatever else works that much too."
"The whole day off? Can you do that?" Kristoff asked.
"It's not like there isn't enough I can't do," Elsa stated. "I used to think I couldn't ever get married. Or have kids. Now it seems I can't enjoy being wrong! All because I can't risk other people finding out how I did it!"
"Tell us why not again? What can they do to you anyway?" Joan wondered.
"I'm having a public, expensive wedding that I made pointless months ago! Only my family and a doctor knows that I didn't conceive a baby out of wedlock! And the only way to keep these scandals from ruining my wedding and pregnancy…..the two things I never ever dreamed I could have….is to conceal! So it's already ruined anyway, isn't it?!" Elsa asked rhetorically.
Before anyone could answer, Elsa got away from them and back into bed. "I waited so long for all of this. It should be 100 percent perfect and beautiful….only a few things in my life have ever been like that. You'd think between that and the waiting, I'd be due. But old habits and stupid luck from stupid decisions never go away forever, do they?"
"What are stupid decisions in this context again?" Robert asked suspiciously, and a bit fearfully.
"Thinking I could be impulsive and get away with it!" Elsa answered. "I couldn't wait to get married and conceive just a little while longer! Now….now I can't even enjoy the happiest moments of my life."
She laid her head on the pillow and turned away from her family. "Maybe I'll have better luck with a break today. At least let me have that much."
If Elsa was insisting on a break, without being prodded by Anna or the family first, she really was in a terrible mood. It certainly told Robert, Joan and Kristoff there was no point cheering her up now.
When they left Elsa's room, Robert volunteered to break it to Anna and Christian. Kristoff and Joan were soon left alone, with Joan breaking the silence by asking, "What do we do, Dad?"
"I don't know," Kristoff admitted. "I'm still an amateur at solving your mother's emotional crisis's. Your aunt is a whole different challenge."
"But she's not happy about having a baby!" Joan repeated. "Not like this! It's not fair! She should at least be as thrilled as me! Or Mom!"
"Maybe Mom's too much of a high standard," Kristoff said. "But now it's official. No one's happier about it than her. You and Robert can battle it out for second."
"Well, I wouldn't make it easy for him," Joan promised.
"No. No, you really wouldn't," Kristoff reflected – on Joan's excitement, Elsa's inability to get excited, and how much easier it was for her to get excited about….past arrivals.
An ancient memory on that topic then arrived just in time.
"You know what? We should give Elsa her space today," Kristoff decided. "Let her stay in. Even your mother should understand."
He focused directly on Joan to tell her, "In fact, I think someone else should be the first one to see her."
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Hours and a few small naps passed by before Elsa heard a knock on the door. She figured since they waited this long to bother her, she should give them just one break. "Come in," she lightly called out.
The door opened to reveal Joan, instead of Elsa's primary suspects. "Hi, Aunt Elsa," she said shyly.
"Hello, sweetheart," Elsa managed to put on a brave face. "I'm sorry if I scared you this morning. I'm still...working through some things."
"I know," Joan assured, coming over to the bed. "That's why I'm not here for you."
"You're not?" Elsa questioned. "Then….did Anna hide in the closet during my nap? Again? Or did she get your brother to do it?"
"They didn't try this time. That's how serious they know this is," Joan said. "But like I said, I'm not here to talk to you."
Elsa gave a confused frown as Joan went to the left side of the bed. She then went down to her knees and leaned her face forward – right towards Elsa's stomach.
"Hello. I didn't get to introduce myself earlier. I guess you know who I am by now. In case you don't….I'm your cousin Joan."
Elsa couldn't breathe, which wasn't a new problem today. But now she really couldn't breathe.
Just like that, she felt 18 years younger.
But this time, Joan wasn't a barely formed fetus in Anna's stomach. And Elsa was on a bed instead of talking to a stomach. Now….
She instantly knew pregnancy hormones weren't making a tear run down her cheek. And Joan hadn't even really started yet.
"I'm sorry it's been so crazy so far," Joan went on. "But it's gonna get better when you get here, I promise. It's gonna get better the second you meet your mommy. She….she makes everything better. And she's so much fun, even when it's not snowing."
There went a second tear down Elsa's other cheek.
"You don't know how lucky you are yet, but you will. You might hear stuff about your mom being cold, icy and frosty. She doesn't let just anyone see who she really is. But once she does and once she loves you….she'll love you with the warmest, biggest heart in the whole world."
"And she'll love you like that the second she sees you. For your whole life. Trust me, it's gonna make you feel so special…." Joan vowed.
She put a hand on Elsa as she continued, "But it's not just her. My mom's been waiting a real long time for you too. She's the other most special lady in the whole wide world. She'll love you to death no matter what you do…..but please don't test her. She's been tested way too much, so go easy on her, okay? And she's already worked out how she's going to spoil you rotten, so…."
Joan heard a little chuckle and sniffle from Elsa, but she wasn't ready to look at her quite yet. "My dad'll take a while to spoil you and teach you how to talk reindeer. But he'll get there. And your dad….your dad'll make sure you're never scared of anything. He's the bravest person I know. I mean, I really know….but we'll save that story for when you're way older."
Elsa held back a sob as Joan kept rubbing her stomach. "My brother gets more fun the more you get to know him. So be patient with him. You're taking his place as the little one of the family….but you got the biggest shoes in the world to fill. You make sure you appreciate him for that. You don't make him feel jealous and left out, and we'll get along just fine."
Once Joan imagined that the baby agreed, she moved on. "And me….well, I don't know what you're gonna think of me. I don't know how much you'll see me. I'm gonna be 17 soon, then I'll be 18, then I'll be Crown Princess and really start diplomacy training. And your mom will raise you and help your dad be a King Consort, so….I don't know how much time we'll have. With you, your mom…."
Now Joan felt a tear coming down her cheek. It still didn't compare to the ones running down Elsa's. Regardless, she still went on. "But I'll be there every chance I have, I promise."
"I'm gonna take care of you and be the best cousin since Rapunzel. And when I'm not, I'm gonna help Arendelle grow, make new friends, and be the strongest kingdom in the world by the time you take the throne. When you're King or Queen, we're all going to leave you a kingdom so pure and perfect, there's no way you can mess it up. And we'll be there to make sure, just in case….at least those of us who are still there," she wound up admitting.
She wiped her face and drove those thoughts out of her head. "But that doesn't matter now. The future doesn't matter, and nothing in the past matters either. All the nonsense we went through to get here, then and now, won't matter when you get here. You'll make it all worth it and we'll never stop loving you and playing with you after that. Don't you ever doubt it."
Joan laid both hands on her aunt's stomach for emphasis. "I just can't wait for you to find out yourself. I can't wait to hold you, for my mom to play with you….for your mom to meet you. She's gonna be the second best mom in the world. But since she's already the best aunt in the world, she can't get too competitive."
She gave a little pat to Elsa's stomach and finished, "She still loves you, though. We all love you. I promise we'll make it perfect when you get here. You and your parents have earned it. So be patient till then, okay?"
"Okay…."
Joan let herself believe an unborn baby could talk for a split second. Then she bothered to look up and see Elsa's tear-stricken face. "Aunt Elsa?" Joan asked.
"Do you…." Elsa caught her breath. "Do you have any idea….what it means to me for you to do that?"
"Dad said you'd really like it," Joan revealed. "But those words were all mine, I swear!"
But the idea was Kristoff's….the only one awake to hear Elsa's first talk with Joan 17+ years ago. Oh, that crazy mountain man.
Not to mention his little girl. Well, young lady now.
When Elsa said her first words to Joan, she was the furthest thing from a young lady. Look at her now. Look at Elsa now. Look at where they were at this moment….
For the first time since becoming pregnant, Elsa really felt like a mother. Without the weight of secrets, the need to keep up appearances, or anything else to fear.
There was just her, her baby….and her first baby.
"Oh…..oh, Joan," Elsa said tearfully. "You...my perfect little girl…."
Anticipating Elsa's next move, Joan got up and put herself on the bed next to her. Elsa wasted no time pulling her into her arms, letting the rest of her happy tears onto her shoulder.
The odd sight of the Queen of Arendelle crying onto her 16-year-old niece shoulder lasted for a few more minutes. When Elsa was composed, she laid back down and let Joan lay her head down on her shoulder.
Yet even in this moment, Elsa couldn't stop herself from bringing up something harsher. "Did you mean that part about….not being as close anymore? When the baby's born?" she was compelled to ask.
"I wasn't trying to," Joan admitted. "But….I guess I wanted to get ready. I'll be busy pretty soon too, and….I might not be your only perfect girl anymore. You might have your first perfect boy, I guess."
Elsa held back a giggle, yet tightened her arm around Joan. "It doesn't matter how perfect it'd be. I'd be scared out of my mind if he or she came 16 years ago. The only reason I'm remotely ready to be a mother now….is you and your brother. So none of you are going anywhere."
"None of us want to," Joan felt confident enough to speak for Christian too. Although he was too young to go anywhere.
Elsa ignored this and stated the even more obvious, "I'm going to be a mother…." now that she was close to enjoying it.
"I'm going to be a big cousin," Joan echoed.
Instead of talking more about it, the two visualized it. In Elsa's mind, she could picture a little unidentified babe in her arms, cuddling up to her and being held safely – without ice or nervous breakdowns in the way. Joan was more specific, picturing a little girl in Elsa's arms who flicked snowflakes at her.
They both saw Anna rocking the baby around and doting endlessly on it, in some way. Like another aunt-child duo they both knew.
They both saw some variation of Kristoff and Robert being shy with the baby at first. It was more of a natural reflex for Kristoff, whereas it was out of shock and awe from Robert. But they both nearly aww'ed out loud when they pictured the men cuddling the baby close at the end.
They both imagined Christian carrying the baby around like a new playing companion, since he was the youngest and could play around more – and since Joan wouldn't be as available. It was better than imagining him being jealous, since he wasn't the youngest and cutest anymore.
But nothing was better for Elsa than picturing her baby sleeping in her arms – safe and warm and forever unfrozen. Picturing Joan rocking her to sleep came close, though.
Joan loved imagining them playing around underneath a snowfall. But she almost loved imagining Elsa raining snow on both of them just as much. Not to mention Anna peeking in to catch some of their snowflakes with her tongue.
It was so obvious, it'd have to be real. And it would be real. No matter what secrets weighed on them or came out….it would be real anyway. And like Joan said, all of it would be worth it.
Elsa laid her right hand onto her stomach, closing her eyes and dreaming of the day someone would kick that hand.
Yet for this moment, having Joan put her hand on top of it and her stomach wasn't too bad.
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The next time someone came into Elsa's room, Christian didn't get a hello, or any other verbal greeting.
What he got was a light snore from Joan, which would have drowned out any noise Elsa made, if she made any. But Elsa wasn't even frowning or showing any worry lines.
Both their hands hadn't left Elsa's stomach, either.
They didn't even budge when Christian squeezed in next to Joan for his own family nap.