Warnings- mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression and romance. Human AU
You looked at yourself in the mirror and desperately wished the redness around your eyes would go away. It was three weeks from the end of the semester and your thoughts were about to drive you over the edge of a cliff. Literally.
You had run off from your club meeting, not wanting the others to see you break down. You splashed some water on your face and pat it dry. You glance in the mirror again and saw the redness had gone down a little.
Taking a deep breath, you steeled your nerves and left the bathroom. Two steps out of the door and you ran smack into someone else. Glancing up, you immediately tried to turn away. Strong arms caught you, keeping you there.
"Are you okay?" Sans asked. He was the president of your club, but he wasn't a good friend of yours. He was more of that person you wished you could be close friend with.
"Yeah I'm fine." You muttered, pulling away. Sans glanced around and pulled you to the side of the hall.
"You don't look okay. What happened?" He asked, his voice low with worry. He positioned himself so his back was blocking you from the other students walking past. You didn't know what to say. You couldn't even tell your friends that you were suicidal again, let alone this guy who was practically a stranger to you. Sure you were in the same class, but you sat on the opposite side of the room. You rarely talked outside of club meetings. He noticed your silence and pulled you into an empty doorway to get even more out of the way. "Look, I know we aren't that close, but when I see someone upset like this, I just want to help them. I've been through some crap of my own, and I refuse to let someone else go through that." He said, looking at you dead in the eyes.
"I don't think I can talk about it." You said honestly. You didn't want anyone seeing you like this, broken and empty.
"Come on." Sans said, smiling softly. "You can trust me." You were still a little skeptical, but you could feel your eyes stinging again.
"Sometimes… sometimes I feel like things would be better… if I wasn't around anymore." You whispered, looking at the design on the lanyard around his neck. You could feel him stiffen next to you. He rested his hand on your upper arm gently and made you look at him.
"Listen, that's a serious thing to think. Do you honestly believe that?" He asked, his mismatching eyes looking straight into your heart. You couldn't say anything, so you just nodded subtly. He took a deep breath and pulled out his phone.
He sent a quick text and glanced down the hall. You knew he was looking at the door to the classroom the club was meeting in. His phone dinged seconds later. He checked the response and nodded at the screen.
"Here, I just told Papyrus to take everyone outside for a little bit. He's going to make up some bonding activity or something so we can talk in the room." Sans said, glancing down the hall again. You could hear the club members leaving the room, your friend's voices carrying down the hall loudly. Sans took your hand gently and pulled you out of the doorway.
Papyrus was the last one by the door, looking at the two of you approaching with a look of worry and concern.
"Is everything alright Sans?" He asked, glancing at your red face and the creases between his eyebrows. The shorter laughed humorlessly and shook his head.
"Probably not Paps. We have some stuff to talk about, so I'll text you when we're done." Sans said, opening the door and giving the taller a smile. He turned to you and jerked his head towards the door, silently ushering you inside.
The lights were off, the windows letting in a good amount of natural light. The projector was on, and there was a game up on the screen. You smile faintly. That was something your friends would do, you thought with a shake of your head.
The classroom was more of a lecture hall, with the rows of desks ascending gradually. It wasn't very big, just five rows deep. Sans sauntered to the front of the room and took the rolling chair form behind the professor's desk. You followed his move and sat on the desk, facing him.
"Alright babe." Sans said, straddling the chair. The nickname made you blush, but you had heard him call all his friends various pet names. "Tell good old Sansy what's wrong."
"I did… Sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore." You said quietly, kicking your legs back and forth.
"Well, I can tell you right off the bat that I want you here." He said, resting his chin on the back of the chair. Your blush deepened, but you didn't say anything. "Alright, how about this? Why do you not want to be here anymore?" He asked, completely understanding and not the slightest bit pitying. Looking back, that's probably why you opened up.
"I'm just so tired…" You started, your kicking slowing. "I'm tired of this… emptiness in my chest." You choked slightly, your tears causing your eyes to burn painfully.
"Why is your chest empty?" Sans pushed gently. He didn't sound like a psychologist, trying to analyze what was wrong with you. He sounded like a friend that wanted to understand why you were sad.
"I… I'm so sick of feeling alone. Whenever I get close to someone, they get tired of me and leave. Whenever I get a crush on someone, it always comes back and bites me in the ass. I'm never good enough for the people I like. I'm never one of the mains in my group of friends – I'm always the extra friend, the leftover friend. I'm always left behind, and I'm so sick of it." You cut off with a dry sob. You were trying to keep from crying, but it was getting hard.
"You don't seem like the leftover friend with these people." Sans said, gesturing with his head towards the bags that were still cluttering up the desks.
"I don't really see it, but thanks I guess." You said, looking anywhere but Sans.
"Are you actively suicidal?" He asked, not dancing around the subject. You squeaked a little, not expecting the question. You stayed silent for too long apparently, because Sans stood and moved to sit next to you on the desk. "Are you?" He asked again, his tone soft and caring.
"Yeah." You finally admitted, your hands shaking in your lap.
"Have plans?" He asked, his voice sounding strangled. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You couldn't give a vocal answer. You just nodded your head. Sans swallowed loudly and ran a hand through his hair, sending his bangs in every direction.
"Tell me." He wasn't rude or forceful, which you appreciated.
"Overdosing. I have the pills all set." You said with no emotion.
"When?" His voice even softer.
"This weekend." You replied, even softer still.
"Why?" He asked again, running a hand down his face
"I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the stress, the responsibilities. I can't handle my mom pushing all this responsibility down my throat. I'm only eighteen! I'm not ready to be a parent. I'm not ready to own a house or pay for groceries. I'm still a child!" you said, your voice getting louder and your eyes getting wetter.
"Sounds like your mom really depends on you." He said, his voice a little clearer.
"Yeah, and it's breaking me into pieces! I can't handle this stress anymore. If I forget to do one things on the list, I get yelled at for being lazy and untrustworthy. She blames me for not being able to get a full time job because she can't trust me to get things done around the house. I'm the one who does the dishes. I do the laundry and the cleaning! I take care of my siblings and make sure nothing catches on fire! But it's never enough… is it?" Bitter tears burned tracks down your cheeks, staining your lap with dark splotches.
"Sounds like she really needs you." Sans said. Leaning onto your arm slightly. The warmth felt nice, and you managed to calm down a little. "Sounds like she wouldn't be able to function without you. You're the one who keeps her going."
"Yeah, I guess." You muttered, feeling guiltier and guiltier by the second.
"And don't you think leaving her behind would be a little selfish?" He asked, not unkindly.
"How could you ask that?" You say, shocked and hurt that he would call you selfish. He chuckled without really laughing and ran his hand through his hair again.
"Look, I'm not about to turn this on me, but I've been in the same place you are. I put a gun up to my head and put it back down again. How did I put it down again? Because I had to take care of Paps. I realized I was being selfish, putting myself before my brother. Now, that isn't always the best thing to think to yourself, especially when you're in this mindset, but it saved my life." He explained, and the hurt in your chest faded with each word. You really were being selfish, weren't you?
"I am being selfish, aren't I?" You asked out loud, tears spilling over again. Sans saw the grief on your face and wrapped an arm around your waist.
"No, you're being sad. You're looking for an escape. I'm here to tell you that's a dumb thing to do." He grinned and messed up your hair gently. You didn't smile, because you were thinking of something else. He pulled away, worried about your silence.
"Sans…?" You asked, your whisper barely loud enough for him to hear, despite being less than three inches from you.
"What's wrong?" He asked, immediately on edge. You swallow thickly and choke a little, your next question stuck in your throat.
"Can I trust you with something? Something super important?" You asked, dead serious. Sans nodded solemnly, his eyebrows furrowed with concern. "If I give you something, can I trust you to get rid of it?" He nodded again, and you took a steadying breath.
You hopped off the desk and walked over to your backpack. With shaking hands, you unzipped a small pocket in the back and pulled out a smaller case. It used to be a pencil case, but now it held the things you'd rather not anyone find. You removed a large orange bottle and hid it behind your back as you walked back over to the desk.
"Please, get rid of these for me." You handed him the bottle, your fingers shaking so hard you practically drop it in his open palm. He instantly recoiled, as if you dropped a red hot coal into his hand rather than a full pill bottle.
Sans' face paled as he unscrewed the top and removed the cotton ball shoved in the top. With a light shake, a handful of pills tumbled out into his hand. There were dozens, all different shapes and sizes. Most were sleeping pills of various brands and strengths, but there were some painkillers and other prescription pills in the mix.
"Why do you have these here?" He asked, his voice shaking. You winced, not really wanting to talk about your reasoning.
"It calms me down…" You explained. "Seeing the bottle. Hearing the pills. It reminds me of my commitment to that decision."
He took a shuttering breath and put the pills back in the bottle, replacing the cotton ball and lid. Silently, Sans moved to his own bag and tucked the bottle between some books. He stayed there for a few moments, his back to you.
When he finally turned around, you could see faint wet trails running down his cheeks. He came over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist tightly. You instantly hugged him back, his strength and compassion making you want to cry again. When you felt him sob gently into your shoulder, you lost it. You tightened your arms around his neck and sobbed.
You held each other for a few second before letting go and wiping your face. Sans did the same, smiling a little guiltily as he sniffled.
"There was something else I wanted to ask." He said, wiping his cheek one last time. You just nodded, not wanting to speak just yet. "Do you think you need to be in a relationship to be happy?" He asked, messing with the hems of his sweatshirt.
"I…" You weren't sure how to respond. You knew you didn't need to be in a relationship to be happy, but a part of you realized maybe that was wrong. As you tried to put your thoughts into words, it finally clicked. "I'm a very physical person. I need physical reassurance that I'm wanted, and friendly hugs and pats on the backs and stuff aren't really enough. I mean, anyone can give someone a high five or a hug. I need actual physical reassurance. I need kisses and long hugs and for someone to hold me when I cry and I need to know that person cares about me on something more than a platonic level. I haven't gotten that in so long.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not really here anymore. Like I'm just kinda floating through life Physical contact grounds me, and I haven't had anyone to ground me in a long time. I have this hole in my chest that gets bigger and bigger and bigger and I have nothing to fill it with. I just wanted this loneliness, this emptiness to end!" You finished, surprisingly dry eyed. You guessed you were all cried out at that point.
Talking about that emptiness was exactly what make it grow again. It was almost like your stomach dropped into your intestines, and it made you heart skip a beat. Sans was by your side in an instant, his warm hand cupping the back of your neck.
He pulled you into a kiss, nothing deep and soulful like they always talk about in movies and books. It wasn't rough and desperate. It was soft but still meaningful. You kissed him back, too shocked to really do anything.
When he pulled back, you were able to look into his eyes for the first time. His eyes were glazed over, but he didn't seem sad. He looked determined, and the fire in his eyes made you feel a little stronger yourself.
Sans didn't try to kiss you again. He just pulled you into another tight hug, the kind you give when you know you won't see that person for a long time, or the kind you give to try and keep the pieces of the other person from falling apart.
The hug was interrupted by a faint buzzing. Sans pulled away and checked his phone. With an apologetic grin, he slipped his phone back in his pocket.
"Paps said a security guard scolded them for wandering outside. They'll be back inside in like five minutes. If you want to go freshen up, now's your chance." He said, rolling the chair he was originally sitting in back behind the desk.
You nodded and slipped out the door. The bathroom was exactly the same, even though you felt like a lifetime had passed since you were there last. The same flickering light over the third mirror, the second sink that didn't actually work and the three stalls that were completely out of toilet paper. Exactly the same.
But you weren't.
You splashed some water on your face and practiced your breathing. You knew you only had a few minutes left, and you knew there would be a thousand questions aimed right at your head the second everyone got back to the room.
You splashed another handful of cold water on your face and grabbed a paper towel, patting your cheeks and forehead dry. Looking at your reflection, you ran your hand through your hair a few times to calm the mess it had become.
Deciding you looked presentable enough, you headed back. Sans was still the only one in the room, but you could hear voices getting louder and louder down the hall. Within moments, the room was filled with the rest of the club.
Your friends instantly went to your side, asking if you were okay, why you weren't outside with them, why it looked like you were crying. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Sans shoot you a smug look. You smirked a little and turned back to the group.
"I'll explain later." You told them, not emotionally strong enough to repeat your whole story. You realized that now, after talking with Sans, you were able to tell your friends too. Just then, your phone buzzed. Glancing down, you saw it was a text from Sans.
"Stay after the meeting. There's something I need to tell you." Was all it said. You glanced over to him, but he was talking to Papyrus, not even sparing a glance in your direction. You were grateful that he wasn't making a big scene.
The club adjourned after another twenty or so minutes. While your friends packed up their things, you thought of an excuse to stay.
"Aren't you coming?" One of your friends asked. You just smiled at them and rummaged through your bag.
"Sans asked me to stay behind and go over something for class tomorrow. I'll catch up with you guys later." You said, swinging your bag over one shoulder. Your friends seemed to accept that excuse and made their way out of the room. They didn't go far away though, because you could still hear their voices. You smiled as you realized they were waiting for you anyway.
You walked up to Sans, who besides Papyrus and a few others that ran the club, was one of the last ones in the room. He glanced up at you and grimaced slightly.
"Look…" He started, and you felt your heart drop. He was going to tell you it was a mistake to kiss you, a mistake to talk to you, wasn't he? "I'm sorry I kissed you out of the blue like that. It was rude of me to take advantage of you like that, especially because you were so emotional at the time." He ran his hand through his hair and glanced around awkwardly.
"I… um, I didn't mind." You said, blushing brightly. He glanced up at you, a faint blush on his own cheeks. "I mean, if you were to do it again, I wouldn't say no." You continued, shuffling your feet. Sans grinned and used his hand to gently grab your chin, pulling your face close to his.
He placed another light kiss on your nose before letting go and taking a step back.
"If you ever need to talk again, you have my number. Don't you dare hesitate to text me." He winked cheekily and grabbed his bag. "Come on, your friends are still waiting outside for you."
You followed behind him, ignoring the looks the others shot at the two of you. As you got closer to your friends, you slowed a little.
"Thanks Sans." You said, forcing yourself to sound lighthearted. You didn't have to clarify what you were thanking him for, because Sans knew.
"If anything happened to you, we would all be devastated." He responded, smiling at you. "Don't scare me like that again though." He said, his grin slightly less playful. You felt another rush of guilt.
"I won't. And I'll text you if I'm feeling bad again." You said, your voice strong with conviction. Sans just hummed and kept walking.
You didn't properly say goodbye to him, but you knew you would be talking to him very soon.
Hey I'm back! But unfortunately this is a fluke update. My finals start a week from today, and I'll be MIA until those are over. BUT! After finals, I should be back at it.
I've noticed a lull in the Undertale fandom, which is very upsetting because it used to be so big. I don't know how much longer this will go on, because of this dip in interest, but I might write more on other fandoms, having the characters comfort each other in a similar way.
Thank you everyone who supported this story and me. It really does mean a lot when someone messages me, asking if I'm okay. Sometimes it's hard to remember that people actually do care.
Until next time!
~Starlight