Warnings- depression, self-harm, alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts
It was only your second night in the Underground. The first was spent in the snow, shivering and feeling your snot freezing in your nose. It was like a gift from the heavens that the short skeleton found you. Another day and you probably would have died.
You were sitting in their kitchen – and by their you meant Sans and his brother's house – sipping some hot coco. Your shivering had finally stopped, and it was actually starting to get a little warm.
"After you warm up and eat something, I – The Great Papyrus – will fight and capture you!" Papyrus explained as he placed a plate in front of you. The spaghetti on the plate was extra limp, but from what Sans told you it was a huge improvement on the burnt, raw pasta he used to make.
"Give the kid at least one night to recover Paps. Otherwise it wouldn't be a fair fight." Sans said, walking into the kitchen and to the fridge. He pulled out what looked to be a ketchup bottle and squirted it right in his mouth.
The heavy scent of alcohol hit your nose as he wiped his mouth and capped the bottle. Your eyebrows flew into your hairline as you opened your mouth to say something. Before anything could escape your lips, Sans held one boney finger up to his smile. His grin changed to something more mischievous before he left the kitchen.
You had a sinking feeling in your stomach as you watched the skeleton leave the room. Papyrus was standing by the sink, his jaw hanging low.
"How dare that lazybones try to besmirch my good name? I would never fight an unfair battle!" He protested, waving his arms in the air to show how sincere he was. You gave an uneasy smile and patted him on the arm.
"You wouldn't do something like that." You said comfortingly. He perked up instantly and gave a triumphant laugh.
"Of course not! I, The Great Papyrus, am far too great and fair!" He struck a powerful pose and laughed again. You couldn't help but laugh with him, the skeleton's enthusiasm beyond contagious. Despite the joy coming from Papyrus, you couldn't shake the unease forming in the pit of your stomach at the thought of the smaller skeleton.
They had prepared a makeshift bed for you on your couch, which was slightly lumpy and juggled whenever you moved. There must be coins or something in the cushions, you guessed. As you laid down on the couch, you could feel your arms tingling.
You listened carefully, not wanting to be caught. You knew what you wanted to do, but at the same time you didn't want to do it. You knew Sans had actual alcohol in the fridge, and that would stop the pain better than your original need.
Creeping to the kitchen, you paused to listen every time the floor creaked under your feet. It took what felt like an eternity to make it to the fridge. Opening the door, you cringed as the door creaked. You paused again, listening, and let out a sigh of relief when there were no sounds from upstairs.
"If you were thirsty kid, you should have woken one of us up." Sans said, appearing behind you. You couldn't help the scream that worked its way from your throat. You jumped and spun around, your heart beating wildly.
"I, um, didn't want to bother you. You're already letting me stay on your couch." You gave a hasty excuse.
"Sure, kid. Sure." He said, his tone saying he wasn't entirely buying it.
"W-why are you awake anyway?" You asked, trying to make things seem more normal. The lights in his eyes seemed to shrink, but it may have just been a trick of the light.
"Couldn't sleep. What about you?" Sans turned the question on you.
"Same." You said simply, not wanting to get into what woke you up. Sans hummed and went to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. He handed it to you without a word. You opened it and took a sip, not wanting to seem rude. When he was seemingly satisfied, he moved to the stairs. Before he turned completely around, he called back to you.
"I don't know what kind of crap you're going through, but that's not the way to handle it." He said, his back to you so you couldn't see his face. You felt your stomach drop, but decided to play dumb for the time being.
"Handle what?" You asked innocently. You saw his shoulders move up and down, like a shrug or a sharp laugh. Sans didn't respond. He just walked silently up the stairs. If you didn't know any better you would have said he was a ghost, by how silent he moved.
You moved back to the couch, feeling exposed. He didn't directly call you out, but you knew that he knew something was up. You felt the familiar itching in your arms again and rolled up the sleeve of your sweater.
Newly healing lines marred the once perfect skin. The healing was causing the itching, you knew, but that didn't stop you from wanting to scratch them open again. You heard soft footsteps from upstairs and quickly rolled your sleeve back down. Just because Sans wants you to stay quiet about his drinking, doesn't mean he'll stay quiet if he found out about you.
You reflected on your first night at the Skeleton's house, just a few days ago. The next morning, you continued on your adventure, but stopped back into Snowdin every once in a while to say hello. Papyrus was always on call, and Sans would randomly appear through the Underground, but despite this returning to the small town was never stale.
Now, you were catching your breath, trying to calm your heart after your most recent encounter with the Captain of the Royal Guard. You didn't understand why Papyrus would want to be like the monster in the armor, but you weren't about to destroy his dreams.
You rested your head on the rock you were leaning on, the faint chill from the water trickling down the wall cooled you down after your sprinting.
You didn't think anyone would be able to find you hidden behind the rock, but you weren't really surprised to see Sans sitting next to you. Nothing really surprised you anymore.
"You looked soaked to the bone." Sans said with a grin.
"That wasn't even funny." You said tiredly, but smiling nonetheless.
"Here, at least take my jacket." He said, shrugging off his blue jacket and handing it to you. "You'll catch a cold in those wet clothes, and personally I have no clue how to get rid of a human cold." His grin never faded.
You took the jacket with a thank you and peeled off your sweater. The sopping mass of fabric clung to your body for dear life before finally being ripped free. Zipping up the jacket, you were immediately wrapped in warmth.
Turning your head to see him, you were distracted by his jacketless torso. He was wearing a t-shirt with the logo of a long forgotten band. The fabric was visibly worn, and you knew if you were to touch it the fabric would be soft from how many washes it went through.
What really distracted you though, were the chunks taken out of the ulma and radus bones of his right arm. It looked like his arm was mauled by some kind of animal, cracks and scratches and cuts littering the white.
"Sans what the hell?" You asked, too shocked to be careful in your questioning. He stiffened next to you but his voice didn't change in tone.
"I dunno what you're talking about Kiddo." He said, the lights in his eyes gone. His skull was facing straight forward, and the lights twinging from the ceiling of the cave had shadows dancing across the ridges of the bone.
"Sans, seriously." You said, furrowing your eyebrows. That caused a reaction. He turned to you and shot his hand out, grabbing your wrist almost painfully. While he wasn't touching any of the cuts directly but you could feel electricity zapping from scar to scar.
"I didn't say anything about your problems. I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything about mine." His voice was deeper, raspier. It caused a shiver to run down your spine. You mustered the courage to nod. Sans took that as a good sigh and released your arm.
He stood and made a big show of stretching as if what just happened was an everyday occurrence. He turned to leave before looking at you. He winked and placed a finger against his teeth in a 'shushing' motion.
"And hey. You should stop by for dinner. Paps is getting a little lonely." Sans said before he walked behind a rock. You shot forward to catch him, but he was already gone. You contemplated sitting back down, but you didn't want to soak the jacket too.
You heard metallic footsteps in the near distance and realized your rest was over. Taking a deep breath, you continued on your journey.
Now that you knew Sans knew about you, you tried to avoid him at all costs. You didn't know why, but the thought of someone seeing through all the lies you've told makes you slightly sick to your stomach.
Speaking of your stomach, you felt it grumble loudly just as you caught sight of the Nice Cream Man and his cart. You could see the two guards next to the cart, muttering softly to each other. With a smile, you went up to the cart and tried to order some nice cream.
"Sorry kiddo!" The blue monster said with an apologetic smile – a smile that was much more sincere than the one Sans always wore, you noted. "Those two fellas over there just bought my whole stock of Nice Cream for today. Come back tomorrow though, and I'm sure there will be more." He grinned again, and you couldn't bring yourself to be upset with the rabbit monster.
"You need some Nice Cream kid?" A voice said from behind you. Without turning around, you knew you would be facing a cold grin if you were to turn. You debated whether or not to accept the treat, but decided instead to just walk away.
You heard a snort of confusion from the skeleton, but it was soon lost in the various sounds of Hotlands.
You realized you were completely alone when you came back from your thoughts. Usually there were a few monsters here and there, going about on their daily business, but here it was almost completely silent. The Core loomed in the distance, like a war ship ready to fire, and the faint hissing caused you to become even more uneasy.
A few steps later, another sound catches your attention. It sounded like mud sliding across the ground, but there was more to it. Looking over the edge of the walkway, you saw red hot lava slowly oozing it's was under you like a molten ocean.
You remembered learning about lava in school, about how hot is gets and how it's formed and all that. You found yourself mesmerized by the swirling reds and oranges and the tints of blue in little cracks. It was beautiful.
Unconsciously, you took a step forward. The heat the blasted you in the face was almost unbearable, but the pain made you smile.
When you woke up in that patch of flowers, you were devastated to realize your plan didn't work. After meeting Toriel, you thought maybe starting over down here wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.
Now, you took another small step forward, more than just a small part of you hoping the bridge would give out and you would fall.
Fall…
The thought wasn't foreign to you in the slightest. You took another step forward. Just a small one, but enough of a step that your toes hang over the edge of the walkway.
You could feel your arms tingling at the thought, almost like your cuts and scars were pushing you to do it. Cheering you on to jump. You sniffled, and felt a singular tear work its way down your cheek. It hissed where it hit the walkway and instantly evaporated.
Jumping slightly from one foot to the other, you tried to reduce the burning sensation that was making its way through the soles of your shoes. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, the intense heat making it hard to inhale all the way.
Just as you were about to lean forward, you heard a zapping sound behind you. It was like a bug hitting an electrical bug zapper, but more magical. You turned your head to the side, just enough to see what it was.
To your lack of surprise, Sans was standing behind you, hands shoved in his pockets and his hood up. He raised his head a fraction, just enough so the glowing light from the lava river cast dangerous looking edges on his skull.
You saw his grin tense before he moved to take his hand out of his pocket. You made eye contact with him and placed your index finger against your lips, mocking his earlier actions. He seemed confused for a second before realization dawned in his eyes. His left eye flared bright blue as he lunged for you. You leaned away from him.
Right off the edge of the walkway.
You couldn't even scream as you tumbled into the lava. You had two thoughts before you hit the heat. The first was that Sans seemed hysterical as he watched you tumble, his hand outstretched and surrounded by something blue. Whatever it was thought, it wasn't affecting you.
The second thought was that the lava didn't seem that far away from the walk-
You woke up in a shallow puddle of water, a gentle mist dampening your cheek. For a moment, you thought your whole body was on fire, but the thought was quickly banished when you realized where you were.
You were at the star in Waterfall, right outside Undyne's house. You had forgotten about those stars, you realized with a jolt. You couldn't die down here, even if you wanted to. The only way to truly end it all was to beat Asgore and cross the barrier.
The realization made your stomach drop painfully. You took a few shuddering breaths and wrapped your arms around your chest tight, as if to hold yourself together. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw something glint in the dull light of the cave coming from a cluster of reeds.
Curious, you moved to investigate.
The glint came from an old dagger, probably left over from the war, you mused as you pulled it free. The hilt had decayed, leaving a simple metal rod where the wooden handle once was. The blade itself was only slightly muddy. Through the mud you could see light designed in the metal.
You brought the knife over to the nearest pool and rinsed it off, cutting the hem from your sweater to wrap around the handle. Holding your newly found treasure, you couldn't help but give into the very first thought you had.
You glanced around and saw how in the open you were there. You knew there were paths to Temmie village that were dark and secluded. Stashing the dagger in your waist band, you made your way to the paths.
You found a nice square of grass and sat, waiting for the crystals to dim enough for you to continue. A short eternity later, the light around you faded to almost nonexistent, and you freed the dagger from its hiding place.
You could feel familiar stirrings deep within your chest just from looking at the shining blade. There was a rustling in the tall grass, but you ignored it. With a faint smile, you rolled up your sleeve and repeated the actions that got you stranded in this cave in the first place.
The dagger was a little dull, duller than the blades you would use back home, so the first cut barely broke the skin at all. The slight throb was enough to lessen the pressure in your chest, but in the end it wasn't enough. You tried again, putting more pressure on it in order to cut deeper.
For a moment, nothing happened. There was no pain, no blood. Than in an instant it all hit at once. A sweet, thrilling pain laced up your arm as the crimson beaded up along the line. The blue glow of the cave made the blood look almost purple.
You made a third cut, letting the tip of the dagger dip into your skin even deeper. You had missed this. By cut five, your eyes were slightly unfocused.
By cut seven your head was feeling light.
By cut ten you couldn't make straight lines anymore. There weren't that many lines, but they were deeper than any you made before.
You could feel yourself slipping, so you made one final cut, slashing the blade as hard as you could on your wrist. The dagger blade hit something hard, and you couldn't hold back the scream that ripped through the cave.
Your vision went completely black before barely coming back. The cave was brighter for some reason, or at least brighter to your dying eyes.
You heard a loud noise, but it sounded muffled as if you were underwater. Something touched you, but the feeling was so numb you weren't sure it was actually happening.
"No!" A voice called, and you managed to see a bit of a downturned grimace before blacking out entirely.
Sans held your body, waiting for the world to reset like normal. He looked down at you, flinching at how red everything looked. He used one shaking hand to brush the damp hair from your pale face, willing himself to stop crying.
He had tried. God, how he had tried to make it in time. He knew something was going to happen. After what happened last reset? He knew something was wrong.
Oh yes, Sans remembered everything, or enough of everything to know what he needed to do. Watching you copy him and tumble into the lava, he thought the world really was ending.
Even his teleportation wasn't fast enough to get him to the edge of the walkway. Even his magic wasn't strong enough to lift you back up after you had fallen out of his range. Even his Determination wasn't enough to erase the sight of your body melting in the lava.
The light began to dim, but not in the usual way. The whole world began to darken, and Sans knew it was time for the reset to happen. He placed your body back on the grass and used his fingers to close your open, sightless eyes.
Standing, Sans flipped his hood up and waited. He would catch you next time.
You woke back up at the same star as last time, in Waterfall. Your arms still tingled from the last go, but it made you smile faintly. It didn't hurt as much as falling into the lava, you noted silently as you stood and slowly brushed off the gravel sticking to your pants.
Your stomach growled, but you ignored it. Getting food meant talking to people, which mean having to hide the fact you just killed yourself twice.
You stood there for a few moments, willing your feet to move. You blinked hard when you realized how turned around you were. Which way did you just come from? Which way were you going? You glanced left, then right, and sighed. Both paths looked exactly the same.
You chose to go to your left, which may have been right if someone was looking in on you from outside, like an audience for a game or something similar.
Each stepped seemed like an eternity as you made your way back. You instantly knew you made a mistake as soon as a familiar looking booth came into view. Before you could turn around, Sans called out to you.
"Hey there kid! Long time no see." He jogged over to you, grinning lazily as usual.
"Hey there Sans!" You say, with a little less enthusiasm.
"I'm about to go on break. Wanna join me for a bite to eat?" Sans offered, holding a hand out for you. There was no escape, that much was obvious. You took his hand and smiled uneasily. He started walking the way you just came.
"Isn't Snowdin the other way?" You asked, looking over your shoulder and the proper hall, slowly fading from sight.
"I know a shortcut." He said without any explanation. You raised an eyebrow, but he didn't see it. You blinked and next thing you knew you were sitting on a stool at Grillby's. Your heart beat was erratic, your breathing short.
"S-sans…?" You said, waiting for your chest to calm down.
"Just breathe deep kid. It's always tough the first time." He chuckled and rubbed your back. You took a few deep breaths and soon your heart began to calm down. "There much better. It would be a shame if your heart were to stop for some reason." He said, a sharp edge to his tone for a brief second. You glanced at him, afraid he might remember, but he had turned back to Grillby with a sleepy grin on his face.
The memory of the lava light casting sharp angles on his skull caused your stomach to drop, but you pushed down your panic. The skeleton wasn't showing any signs that he remembered anything, so hopefully you were in the clear.
You didn't want to be saved.
"So whatcha in the mood for kid?" Sans asked, placing his elbow on the bar and resting his skull in his hand. "Grillbz here make a pretty killer burg."
"A burger?" You said, excited. "That sounds amazing! I've been eating nothing but cinnamon bunnies and monster candy for two days!" You exclaimed, your mouth watering at the thought of real food.
"Hehe sounds like someone is really moo-ved by the thought of a burg." He said, his grin turning cattish. You couldn't hold back a snort of laughter, your dread slipping away. When you laughed instead of getting mad, Sans seemed to sit up another two inches.
"That was so bad!" You laughed, shaking your head. He just winked at you, waving at someone who walked into the bar.
"Here you go." A soft voice said, placing two plates down on the counter. You looked up at the fire monster and smiled, thanking him for the food. When he left to attend to another customer, you turned to Sans and whispered.
"Grillby can talk?" You asked in a hushed voice. Sans raised an eyebrow bone and chuckled.
"Yeah, but it's usually so loud in here you can't hear him." He responded, pouring a healthy amount of ketchup on his burger. "He used to be louder, but he got injured in the war. He doesn't lie to talk about it." He said quietly, holding the burger in front of his smile.
You didn't comment, but you did watch with awe as Sans opened his seemingly glued shut grin to take a huge bite from the burger. He saw your look and winked at you again. Flustered, you looked at your own plate and took a bite of your own meal.
It was every bit as good as you thought it would be. The not-sugary flavor, the not sticky texture. It was heaven. You must have groaned into the meal because Sans snorted and put his burger down.
"Sounds like someone's… horney." He said, putting his index fingers to his forehead like bull horns. He was only able to hold his grin for half a second before he burst into laughter, one arm around his waist and the other on his skull.
You didn't want to laugh at it, because not only was it slightly inappropriate, but more importantly it was too much of a stretch to be a good pun.
You smacked him lightly on the shoulder before shaking your head again and going back to your burger. It took him a good two minutes to calm down enough to finish his plate. The two of you ate in silence until both plates were clear.
"You in the mood for desert?" Sans asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin. Though your stomach was full, the thought of something sweet after something ketchupy sounded good. You nodded as you ate a pickle that fell onto your plate. He was silent for a second, as if trying to think of what to say. "The chocolate lava cake it pretty stellar."
He didn't say it with his normal, jovial tone of voice. There was that sharp edge to his words again. The half-eaten pickle fell from your fingers as the meaning behind his words made your blood run cold.
"S-sounds good." You said, cursing the tremor in your voice. Sans was looking down at the bar, so you couldn't really see his expression. From your perspective, it was dark.
"Yeah, when you cut into it, the lifeblood of the cake just spills out, all over the plate." He continued, clenching his hands on his lap.
"You remember?" You said, so quietly you couldn't even hear yourself. It could also be the ringing in your ears that made it hard to hear. He gave a single, humorless huff of air and let his head fall back so he was looking at the ceiling. There were no lights in his eyes.
"Remember what kid? Remember watching you fall into the lava? Remember failing to save you twice? How could I FORGET?" He screamed the last word, slamming his fists on the bar. He seemed shocked by his own outbreak and let his hands fall limply onto his lap.
"Sans…" You said, your throat tight.
"Looks like my break time is over." He cut you off, his own voice shaking. "C-could you cover the bill? It's just 10,000g." He said, his grin so forced you thought he would snap.
"I-"
He cut you off again, running a hand down his face. "Just messing with ya kid. Grillbz'll put it on my tab."
You felt a pressure building in your chest again, and the last thing you wanted to do was spend another moment with people.
"I have to go." You mutter and try to run out the door, but a strong grip kept you firmly in place. Sans had grabbed your upper arm, his boney fingers painfully digging into your sweater. You turned back to face him and felt the blood drain from your cheeks.
His left eye was burning, yellow and blue and white swirling together like a while hot star. You thought for a moment that if the fire in his eye were to touch you, it would be a thousand times more painful than falling in lava.
"Nuh uh kiddo. You're comin with me." He said, or rather, growled. You numbly nodded, not able to speak. You blinked, and you were suddenly in a new room.
It looked like a shed or sorts, but it had been converted into cage. There were bars separating the room in half, one half filled with boxes and various weapons. The half you were on had a large dog bed, a dog food bowl filled with steaming spaghetti and a pile of blankets. There were a few boxes on that side as well, as if the brother's had run out of room on the storage side.
Sans was standing on the other side of the bars, looking at you with a sad expression. He took a deep breath and looked like he was going to say something, but hesitated.
"What is this?" You asked, horrified that he would do this. His expression shifted from sad to sullen.
"It's for your own good." He said, sounding like a child in that simple sentence. "There are extra blankets from Paps. I'll be back tomorrow and we can go out to get breakfast." He hesitated again, as if he was going to take a step towards you. Instead, he turned around and shuffled from the room, locking the door behind him.
You sat on the dog bed, shocked that he would lock you up like this. You went over to the bars and tested them. They were wide enough for a small child to squeeze through, but just too small for you to escape.
You suddenly felt trapped. Despite the wide open room you were in, you felt your breath turn shallow. You went through the blankets and wrapped one around your shoulders, hoping to block out the feeling. Something long and red dropped out from between two blankets.
It was a red scarf, and you instantly knew it was a gift from Papyrus. Warmth filled you for a second before a violent wind shook the shed.
How could he do this to you? He was supposed to be your friend.
Your eyes began to water painfully.
You fiddled with the scarf in your hands, your fingers automatically tying a familiar knot in the fabric. You had tied it a thousand times before, but never put it to use. You started tying nooses a few years ago, when the thoughts began to get too loud and you needed something to calm you down. Some people use stress balls, you tied nooses.
Within moments the scarf was no longer something left with love, but a weapon of destruction. You looked down at it with a mix of awe and apprehension, running your fingers against the soft fabric of the scarf.
It was amazing how something so simple caused so many clashing emotions inside of you. You glanced at the ceiling and saw the beams, a plan forming in your head.
Sans was sitting on his couch, not watching the show that was flickering on the screen. His head was filled with thoughts that he would rather chop off his own arm than think about. Images of another tall monster, cloaked in all black, tumbling off the bridge into the lava, his dust being eaten by the molten rock instantly.
Images of his own arm, magic and dust seeping from gashes in his arms.
Images of Papyrus, holding him and crying…
Sans wiped his face and took a shuddering breath. He refused to cry.
Suddenly, the world began to dim. His nonexistent stomach dropped as he teleported to the shed.
How could this have happened? He thought as he appeared in the room. He had just enough time before the world reset to see you dangling from the ceiling, one of the boxes pulled over to sit under you.
You swayed from side to side, your face distorted in a silent scream. Sans felt bile rising from his throat as the world went black.
You woke up by the same star for the third time. This time you knew which was to go to avoid everyone. You thought you would regret it, killing yourself over and over, but all you regretted was letting Sans see you die.
You continued on your path, taking slow shallow breaths to sooth the phantom pains in your throat. You came across Mettaton's resort, but you already talked to everyone in there before you died the first time. Would any of them be different if you were to talk to them again?
Since you couldn't die, you figured you might as well do everything possible. You thought back to the first time you saw the resort and remembered the rooms off to the right. Each had a request, which they revealed when they thought you were room service.
You knew one wanted a cinnamon bunny, and another wanted a sea tea. Checking your inventory, you saw you just happened to have those things. You were planning on saving the sea tea for your next battle, but what did it matter at this point?
You knocked on the first door, but realized you didn't have any way to give the monster what they wanted. On a whim, you took the bun and smooshed it flat. It just barely slipped under the door, and the monster was ecstatic, giving you a 10g tip. You did the same with the tea, receiving a 15g tip. You were glad they were enjoying their snacks.
You knocked on the last door, but there was no answer. You tried the knob, but it was locked. The monster moping the corridor was starting to get a little annoyed, so you wanted to get out of there so as not to annoy him further. As you turned to leave, the door creaked open.
You slowly turned around to look at the door, which was suddenly open just an inch. All you could see through the crack in the door was darkness. Your hand reached out to push the door open and you felt a rush of cold air.
You opened the door a little more by pushing it with your fingers, the cold seeping out faster and faster. You grab the knob to push it open all the way when something grabbed your wrist. Before you could scream, you were pulled into the room, the door locking behind you.
As soon as your arm was free, you cowered on the floor covering your face in fear. You were shivering, but that was only partially because of the temperature.
"Calm down kid. I just want to talk." A familiar voice said. You lower your arm shield and looked at Sans with a mix of shock and anger.
"Sans! What the hell?" You snapped, trying to calm your racing heart. The skeleton held his hands up in an 'I surrender' motion and took a step forward, extending his hand to help you up. You hesitated for a moment before accepting his hand and standing.
"I just want to talk." He said again, sounding more ominous. He took a step towards you, causing you to take a step back. The hotel bed hit your legs, causing you to fall onto the mattress. You thought for a moment about calling for help. "There's no use screaming. This room in particular is soundproof. It's Mettaton's private suite, but he owed me a favor. Now, let's talk."
"What is there to talk about?" You asked, a sinking feeling in your stomach that you knew what this was about. He chuckled deeply.
"There's quite a lot to talk about kid. Let's start with your arms, huh?" He said, sitting on the bed next to you.
"My arms?" you said, trying to stall the impending conversation.
"Yeah kid, your arms." He flicked a finger and the sleeves of your sweater flew up to your elbows, exposing all the crisscrossing lines covering your skin. "Seems like you've done quite a number on yourself. That doesn't seem very healthy."
"So?" You said, trying to keep yourself from sounding like a spoiled child.
"Why would you do something like this, huh kid?" He pushed his voice getting softer and calmer.
"A lot of reasons." You replied haltingly. He just sat there, looking at you and waiting for your answer. "I have this itch, and this is the only way to make it go away. Sometimes I mess up, and it's the best way to make sure I don't do it again… sometimes I can't feel anything and this is the only way I can actually feel anything at all." You rambled, not sure what to say.
"Don't worry kid. I'm not going to get mad or anything. Just tell me what you need to." He said softly.
"I just…" Your words caught in your throat. "I'm such a failure sometimes. I hate myself more than anything." It felt good to say those words out loud.
"You can't hate yourself kid. You have to learn to love yourself." He said.
"It's not that easy. Why do you think I'm here Sans? Here in the Underground? Because I jumped. Because I couldn't handle it anymore."
"Here, let me tell you a story kid." Sans said, cutting off your rambling rant. "Once upon a time there was a young monster. He was young, and reckless, and got into trouble more often than not. Now, this monster had a family. A happy one, in his opinion. A father that had a well-paying job and a brother that was always lit up the room. This young monster had everything he ever could have wanted, but he got greedy.
"He wanted to do what his dad did, so he worked hard when he was alone. He took all the books out of the library and memorized them. He stole equipment and set up his own lab in his garage. He thought he was being so sneaky, that he would be able to surprise his father. One day, when there were no more books to be read, no more experiments to be done, no more notebooks to be filled, the young monster thought he was ready.
"When his father left for work one morning, the young monster followed him. Now, the young monster knew his father worked in Hotland, but he didn't know where exactly. He followed his father carefully, making sure not to make any noise. He followed him this way and that, to a place he had never seen before. There was a long bridge he had to cross before he got to a large white building, and that seemed to be exactly where his father was going.
"The young monster's father walked across the bridge with no problem, so he followed. What the young monster didn't know, was that the bridge was a security measure. There were lasers and scanners every inch along the bridge. When the young monster set off the scanner, the alarms started. A large gun appeared from the wall and aimed right at the monster. His father turned around and saw his son in the way of the blast. He dived and knocked his son out of the way, but was shot in the center of his chest and was thrown off the edge of the bridge.
"The young monster watched his father fall off the bridge into the lava, watched his father die for him. He ran home as fast as he could. His brother was sitting home, waiting for him and his father to return. By the time he got back, his brother had forgotten about the father. The young monster was horrified. It was all his fault. He took it upon himself to right the wrong he had made.
"He became the royal scientist almost instantly. Somehow the King hadn't realized there was no royal scientist, that there had been none for a long time. The young monster made his way to the same bridge, but this time was able to walk across with no problem. He couldn't help but pause and stare at the spot his father died.
"The young monster worked day and night, injecting himself with experimental Determination and other things left around his father's lab. Everyone seemed to forget about the father, but his work was still there. The young monster's father was brilliant, and had thousands of blueprints for machines to improve the underground. The young monster also learned about his father's drinking habit. Drawers filled with flasks, fridges full of bottles. There was no end to the alcohol. In an effort to make himself more like the father he killed, the young monster started drinking. To his surprise, it made everything better!
"The headaches went away for a little while. The guilt and the sadness and the shame all disappeared. It was around that time that the young monster upped the experiments on himself. He could cut chunks out of his arms and legs and ribs, to see if there was a way to grow it back. To see if there was a way to create new tissue to save others.
"Soon though, he realized that cutting just for the experiments weren't enough. He began using the medical tools to remove full ribs, then used healing magic to reattach them. He would remove teeth and fingers and spine vertebra. In the end, all that experimenting permanently damaged his health. One day, the young monster was extremely drunk. He stumbled upon a room he had never seen before. It was dark and dusty and smelt like death.
"The young monster went in, using his magic to light up the room. What he saw in the room still haunts him to this day. There were jars lining the walls, each with something pulsating inside. The young monster was afraid, but even drunk off his ass he was curious. He went closer and wiped the dust off the closest jar. The young monster thought he would throw up.
"Inside the jar was a human soul. It was small and weak, proving it had been there for a long time. He wiped the dust from the second jar, and the third, and the fourth. They were all the same. Six human souls, all weak and dim. There was a seventh, empty jar at the end. But that wasn't all that was in the room. There were tables and containers and more jars, all filled with bits and pieces of what the young monster could only assume were humans.
"He did throw up. He ran from the room and locked the door. The young monster had such a surge of emotion that the Determination inside of him activated. Things started to float around and catch on fire. The young monster just wanted to go home, and suddenly there he was. He was in the living room of his house, surrounded by the items closest to him from the lab.
"His brother rushed to him, worried. The young monster lashed out at his brother, throwing magic directly at his faced in a panic. The young monster's boosted magic hit his brother in the eyes, destroying the lights. The young monster, even guiltier than ever, ran to his lab. He wished for some alcohol, any kind, to make it go away.
"The young monster suddenly found himself at an unfamiliar bar. He could see snow from outside the window. He was served by an older flame monster who was starting to go out and a younger flame monster that was just starting to learn the ropes. The bartender told the young monster about the town, and more importantly about the abandoned house at the edge of the town. The young monster saw this as the perfect opportunity.
"He drank himself into a stupor and had to wait until morning to go home. By then, his brother had healed himself, but the damage to his eyesight was irreversible. Within the next few hours, the young monster moved himself and his brother to the abandoned house in the snow town, to start over. He never touched his lab coat again, opting for more comfortable clothes. He never used his magic to its full potential again, and he never told his brother why they moved, or what happened to his eyes, or anything that happened in the Core.
"The young monster never dropped his habits though. He kept cutting and drinking, to drown out the guilt and the pain and the voices in his head. To this day he can't escape his own demons, so he tried to help others that may be going through the same thing." Sans finished, looking at his lap.
"Sans…" You didn't know what to say. You knew almost from the beginning who the young monster in the story was, and it killed you to hear what your friend had gone through.
"Look, I don't want your pity kid. I want you to learn from my mistakes. Don't let this consume you, because you'll end up hurting those you care about."
"Is that why Papyrus thought I was a rock?" You asked, piecing things together a little at a time.
"Yeah…" He said with a sigh. He ran his hand over the top of his skull and hunched over. "I've tried everything to get his eyesight back, but it all ends in failure. And he won't wear the glasses I got him unless he's at home because he thinks they make him look 'uncool'."
"It wasn't your fault." You said after several minutes of silence. He didn't react other than letting out a harsh bark of laughter.
"It was most definitely my fault. Pops told me time and time again to stay away from the lab, to stay home and take care of Paps. If I had just listened none of this would have happened… I doomed my family."
You didn't know what to say. You wrapped an arm around his shoulders and let him rest his head on your shoulders.
"I'm sorry Sans." You said softly. You realized when he was telling his story that the death of his father was almost the same as the first time you threw yourself into the lava.
"Don't leave me too." He whispered. As soon as the words left his mouth, he tensed up and tried to pull away. You didn't let he move.
"I won't. I'm sorry I tried to leave you. I won't do it again." You said, gently running your fingers over his skull.
The two of you sat in silence for a long time, each other's breathing calming the other down. You soon found yourself drifting off to sleep.
"Go to sleep kid. We can talk more in the morning." His voice wasn't nearly as hoarse as when he was trying to tell the story. You gave a silent agreement and moved to lay down on the hotel bed. He followed your lead and laid next to you.
Hey everyone! As promised, a long update. Thank you everyone for all your support and love. It was amazing waking up to see all the notifications. You guys are beyond amazing.
This chapter kind of went everywhere, but every time I came back to write a new section I was in a different state of mind so each section is very different.
I feel like the chapters are getting a little repetitive, but hopefully I can write some of the amazing suggestions I have and not screw it up.
If you have any questions from any of the chapters about why something happened or what happened next, feel free to ask! The tumblr blog also has asks open, so if you want to send Anon messages or see the art that had been submitted, check you loveyourselfstory and #loveyourselfstory.
Until next time!
Starlight.