Hello! First of all, I must give a humongous apology to everyone who reads my story. I haven't updated in a super long time. The winter holidays got in the way, then I was sick for a while, and I just had tons of difficulties with this chapter. I feel especially bad because, just after last chapter, mallovesseddie (I tried typing it w/the periods, but the underline didn't want to save) commented that one of the reasons they love My List of Firsts is because I update on a fairly regular basis, so I'm sorry for the huge wait.

Anyway... This chapter, as you may have guessed from the title, is quite an important one. I hope I did the idea justice. It truthfully wasn't what I had in mind, but I really had no idea of how I was going to approach it, so I hope everyone likes it.

This is, indeed the start of a mini-arc. It's not a new series or anything, it's just a little arc. I suppose it doesn't have to be an arc, since the chapters will fit into the story just like the rest, I just feel like they could be an arc. Maybe the arc part isn't that important.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT THE SEDDIE ARC. Obviously the arc's going to involve Seddie (even if there are just hints), because, if you read the story description, the word 'Seddie' was featured there. There will also be things like friendships and food and other things that appear in all of my chapters. But, this is not going to be the one time that I mention Seddie throughout the entire story (I believe there have been hints in past chapters). I am not Dan. I do not have a TV show. I have My List of Firsts, and for me, that's quite enough. :)

I hope all of you love the chapter! Please tell me what you think in the comments! :D

Chapter 18: My First Love

I scribbled furiously on my list. After that epiphany, I needed to get out of there. Out of the Shay apartment, away from Freddie. I had bounced up from the couch and created some lie about my mom going to the doctor or something dumb like that, leaving Freddie sprawled out on the couch, half asleep and puzzled.

I added two new entries to the list:

March 16th, 2010: My First Time Crying (in front of someone other than Carly – Fredide Benson)

Then, I wrote my other first. That one I stared at for a while, confused yet not ready to think about it.

I had only just realized it, and I feared it. Never had I thought about it, which is why the realization shocked and terrified me so much. I'm going to need a very good hiding spot for my list. Then again, Freddie didn't find it when it was behind the mirror; he found it when it was under my bed that one time.

Stuffing it behind my mirror, I turned my list so the writing faced the wall, more fearful than ever of someone finding it. Especially Freddie. But, I found no reason for Freddie to search behind my mirror, let alone be in my house again, so I decided I was safe.

The only way I could think of avoiding my secret was to eat lots of ham and stay far away from Carly and Freddie's apartment building.

Rummaging through the fridge, I found a piece of ham left over from dinner several days before. I fired up the oven and sat at the table with a bowl full of nuts to take up my time.

The ham was fine. Don't get me wrong, ham is always delicious, but I think I was trying too hard to not think of my latest realization to really enjoy my snack.

Several days went by and not much happened. I hung out around my house, ate lots of meat, and did pretty much nothing. But this was not a good quiet. I was restless and anxious. I couldn't go more than ten minutes without thinking of the newest addition to my list. My mother was away – most likely staying with the garden company owner I saw loitering outside our house last week – so she didn't notice. I couldn't decide whether I was happier that no one could see me like this or that I'd managed not to go completely insane yet.

It was a hard secret to keep to myself, and even harder to stomach, so I kept as far away from other people as possible. If I wasn't ready to think about it, then no one should know.

Why is this so hard? Why can't I just ignore it? I sat the remote on the floor and crossed my legs, leaning back against the couch, figures moving across the screen. I knew perfectly well why I couldn't just ignore it. This was a very important and unfortunately undeniable fact, and it wouldn't leave me alone. That's not to say I would be happier if it wasn't true. I don't really know if it would be better if this were false. I mean, it would be just like life was last week, but did I really want the fact to go away now that I'd realized it?

I'm not sure. What I was sure about was my boredom, which was growing with every moment that I pushed my revelation away and changed the channel.

My phone buzzed. Carly had texted me. Hey Sam. Haven't seen you in a while. Come over?

It was Saturday. There had been teacher conferences Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, so I hadn't seen Carly or Freddie since Wednesday, when all of this happened. Monday was the start of spring break, and I was planning on using it as another way to stay away from my friends so I could keep evading the truth. But, Carly is too friendly to let that happen.

It took me a long time to figure out what to say. Should I tell her I'm busy? No, she'd know that was a lie. After all, what would I be doing that was more important than my friends the Saturday before spring break? Should I say sure and go over? But I don't want to see them. I don't want to have to think about my secret any more than I already do, and I don't want to accidentally let it out either. It was a tough decision; after enough contemplation, I decided it would seem too suspicious if I said I was just going to stay home, and so instead of creating lots of drama, I'd just see Carly.

Sure. Want to meet at the GS? I figured if we were meeting away from the apartment, maybe she wouldn't invite Freddie. Maybe.

I had almost finished my smoothie by the time Carly walked in. I didn't even see her enter because I was too distracted by the table next to me where a little boy was spilling his smoothie all over, and his mother was trying to stop him while wiping it up. It was all just one big amusing mess.

"Hey Sam."

"Hey Carls. How-" I looked up to see Freddie standing a little bit behind her. "You invited Frednub?"

"Well it's not like we had anything personal to discuss, and I figured Freddie wasn't doing much." Yeah, there's not much to discuss because I refuse to let myself figure out my own secret.

"I know you and Freddie fight a lot," she looked slightly disapproving, "but you two are friends; you must like him at least a little bit, seeing as you haven't killed him." I like him more than you need to know. That's the problem.

"I haven't killed him yet." I glared at Freddie. The glare was real too, because he was ruining my plan to stay away from him by showing up here.

They got their smoothies and sat down. The mood was so awkward; you'd probably need a chainsaw just to start to cut the tension. The three of us were silent. No one looked at each other. No one knew what to say or do.

Eventually, Carly tried. "So, what are you two doing over spring break?"

"Nothing," I said glumly. Not that I wanted to do anything, it just sounded so boring saying it.

"Freddie?" Carly turned hopefully to Freddie, wishing for him to have something to discuss.

"I'm not doing anything either." Carly's face dropped. "My mom wanted us to go away, but I said no."

"Why?"

"She wanted us to go on a mother-son retreat to learn more about micro bacteria and the best new cleaning products."

"Those things exist?" Of course Mrs. Benson would find a trip like that.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"How'd you get out of it?" Despite wanting to have limited interaction with Freddie, I was curious; even if my reasoning was so that I'd have more blackmail on Freddie and Mrs. Benson.

"I told her Carly and Spencer were going away and they'd already invited me."

"Did they?"

"No. But she won't find out because she signed up for a similar trip for adults."

"Fun," I rolled my eyes. His mother was so weird; and the ruder I was, the less likely it was anyone would realize I liked him.

Freddie sent a look my way that was slightly annoyed, but at the same time, seemed to share my sentiments. I tried my best not to look at him, but I caught his grimace and inwardly noted how much he'd grown to realize how strange his mother was.

Carly interrupted my thoughts, and the silence that I didn't even notice. "Do you guys want to go back to the apartment?"

"Sure," I said, not really paying attention.

The three of us got up and threw our empty cups in the trash on the way out. It was starting to warm up, but it was still cold enough that I zipped up my jacket before going too far.

The awkwardness continued when we got to Carly's apartment. Spencer barely noticed. "Hey guys, I'm going to play ping pong in the boiler room with Marvin."

We mumbled something in response, too distracted to wonder how an ostrich was going to hold a paddle.

"Well okay then," he said, flinging the door open.

Once he was gone, Carly turned to us. "We should do something, you guys. Anything." Her eyes looked desperate, and she was right; sitting here quietly wasn't going to achieve anything, nor was it going to be any fun.

"I have to work on some new tech stuff for iCarly. You could observe or something. Hand me tools," Freddie suggested. Is he kidding?

I groaned. "No one wants to play nerd with you, Frednub."

He stuck his tongue out at me, and I gladly returned the favor.

"We have to do something." Carly sighed as she put her head in her hands.

"We could eat ham?" I said, hungry and just wishing the day would end so I could leave, mostly to get away from Freddie.

"We don't have any left. You can have turkey if you want," Carly offered, trying not to upset me. Any mention of meat made me happy, and I stumbled over to the fridge, leaving Carly and Freddie alone in the living room to discuss whatever they wanted.

I spent an extra long time in the fridge, pretending my nose hadn't immediately directed me to the leftover piece of meat. Maybe his mom will come in and make him leave for the wacko trip she wanted him to go on. I hoped that when I took my head out of the freezer I would turn around and see Carly shutting the door, but I was never that lucky, so sure enough, there was no one at the door, and Carly and Freddie were still sitting in the other room. Great. I heated my snack and sat at the kitchen table, pulling it apart as slowly as possible. The more time I spent away from them, the less likely it was for me to reveal anything.

What if I go stir crazy and flip out? Then I'll start saying all sorts of crazy things and tell them exactly what I'm trying to avoid letting out by sitting here. Oh my gosh I'm going to go insane!

"Sam?"

I walked into the living room, careful, yet more comfortable now that I knew I wasn't going to go crazy. At least not yet. "Yeah Carls?"

"I was just going to ask if you wanted to eat in here instead of all alone."

"Guess I answered your question." I smiled a little. Despite the weird things going on in my mind and the general awkwardness of the day, Carly was still my best friend, and there was no reason not to be friendly.

I sat down next to Carly, quietly eating my snack.

"Let's watch Girly Cow or something," Carly said. She flipped on the TV, not even paying much attention to the channel.

"May we please change this," I asked in between bites. "I don't even understand why there's a channel devoted to elderly Australian travelers. We don't even live in Australia!"

"So that's why there's an old lady scuba diving. I can't believe there's a whole channel for this."

It turned out that the more we watched it, the more amusing the elderly travelling show was. Somehow, I think it was exactly what we needed to lighten the mood.

"Wait, is she actually asking that man on what longitude line he was born? Where do old people come up with such weird questions?" Freddie fell onto his side, clutching his stomach with laughter. The three of us were basically in tears because of all the crazy things this lady was doing.

"And now she has a map of Japan. Doesn't she realize that's the wrong country?" Carly was upside down, trying to figure out of it was just a really poorly drawn map of Australia. It wasn't.

"Haha, listen to her 'they're both islands, so they must be the same place.' Is this show scripted?" I asked no one in particular.

"I don't know, let me look it up on my PearPhone." Freddie pulled out his PearPhone and after a little bit of research told Carly and me what he found. "It says here that Grandma Sally's Australian Adventures isn't scripted. Apparently they just found a batty old Australian woman and offered her a show. She travels around wherever they want her to, and she is just told to go into lots of public places like town squares and pubs and just meet people. But even her home life is strange."

"I'm not sure whether I'm crying because this is hilarious or because her life is so depressing. I mean, look at her, this is her fourteenth kangaroo drawing of the night!"

"It says here that some Australians tried to sue the channel for portraying Australia with negative stereotypes."

"Who won?"

"The channel. The people dropped the case after watching so many shows they realized it was all in good fun. Plus the channel adopted an Irish station and I guess a Brazilian one's in the works too."

"Maybe if they have an American one, Spencer can be featured in his old lady outfit. Remember when that old guy hit on him?"

"Ugh, you mean Gumless Gary?"

"I forgot about him! I mean the guy at Neville's signing."

"Oh yeah. He was so weird. At least he had gums."

The three of us shivered before looking back at the screen, only to find Grandma Sally hitting some young guy with her purse while ridiculing him on the dangers of skydiving.

"I'm back!" Spencer walked through the door, covered in sweat.

"How was ping pong with Marvin?"

"He is really competitive." Spencer leaned against the doorway, gasping for breath. "Hey, are you guys watching the Elderly Australian Channel?"

"Yeah, you've heard of it?"

"Of course. Socko's grandma is one fifteenth Australian, and she likes to tell me about some of the shows when we're on our way to the ballet. What're you watching?"

"Geezer George's Gators. I think this is the fourth show we've watched on here." I wanted to groan but these shows were just so amusing.

"Four whole hours of old people and beaches."

"Wait, are there even alligators in Australia?"

"No, I don't think so. This man hasn't even had a real alligator on the show, so I doubt it."

"So weird," Spencer walked toward his room, shaking his head, Marvin in tow.

A little while later, Carly turned toward us. "Okay, I've had enough old people adventures. Wanna go grab a burrito or something?"

"Sounds good to me." I sprung up, eager to eat.

"Sure, I could do with a burrito right now." Freddie got up too, nodding his head.

"Okay, I'm just going to put on a proper outfit and brush my hair."

"I'll be here."

"Thanks for letting us know, Sam." Freddie laughed a little.

"Mocking me, Benson?"

"No fighting, you two!" Carly called on her way upstairs.

"Aye aye Captain Shay," I said, but I turned to Freddie with a smirk. Before I said anything rude, my stomach dropped. The minute my eyes hit Freddie's face, I realized that the two of us were standing here alone, and therefore I had to talk to him. It was the first time the two of us had been alone since my epiphany, and until now, the elderly travel channel had helped me to momentarily forget about it. The memory came rushing back and I froze, unable to think of anything to say or do.

"You're really not going to fight with me?" Freddie eyed me skeptically, lifting his eyebrows just like he does ever so often.

"I, uh… Well, you know." I mumbled some random phrases, still trying to think things out even though my brain felt slow.

"Sam, what's up with you? You've been acting so weird lately."

Looking at Freddie, I suddenly felt an urge to tell him. Maybe letting it out was the right thing to do. Then I'd be normal and wouldn't have to freak out about spilling my secret. But what if he flipped out? What if Carly got mad at me? What would happen after I told him? Nothing would happen. What if he punched me or something like that? Please, Freddie's not strong enough or brave enough to do anything violent. Would it really be that hard to just look at Freddie and tell him the truth? To say that little phrase?

"Freddie, the thing is that…" I paused. Never had I been this unsure of anything in my life. This was Freddie Benson I was talking to, the boy I hated more than anything else. And yet, I knew what I was thinking wasn't a lie either. And I hated that.

"Ready to go get some burritos?" Carly skipped down the stairs with a sweater and shiny hair. "I miss something?" She looked between the two of us curiously.

"Nope, I'm just starving, and I think it's making me crazy." It wasn't a lie; maybe my hunger was the reason I almost said possibly the stupidest thing I'd ever said in my life.

Freddie chuckled, "typical Sam."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I shot him a glare.

"Well for a second there I was worried that something was wrong with you. But of course, you just need a meal big enough for an entire football team so you can fill your hollow leg."

I shot him another glare, but I could not have been more relieved Carly came downstairs when she did. Otherwise I would have turned to Freddie and told him something I'm not even sure is true. Hunger does make me crazy. I mean, sure, maybe it would've been easy to say it, but when it comes down to the end, I'm glad I didn't. Maybe it wasn't even true; that one small phrase.

Freddie, I love you.

I wish it was just the hunger making me crazy. Should I tell him or not? Ugh, this is going to be the longest burrito dinner ever.

So, I hope all of you loved that chapter just as much as Sam loves Freddie. ;)

Will Sam tell Freddie her feelings? Does Freddie feel the same way? Is it actually just the hunger making her crazy? (The answer to that one is no.) What will happen next? These are all things you should be pondering...

This chapter was a little shorter than the recent ones, but hopefully it's still up to par. Oh, and I tried my best to follow SeddierFTW's suggestion to make Sam sound, well, a little more Sam-ish like in my earlier chapters. Hopefully I succeeded. :) I would love to hear what all of you have to say (as always)!

Everyone has been so wonderfully responsive giving me great feedback and suggestions, so I want to give a huge 'thank you' to all of my readers, and a double thank you to those who comment. I can see my story stats (how many people favorite my story, how many people are updated when there's a new chapter, etc), and I must say that they make me very happy, and as a result I'm even more enthusiastic to write each chapter. So, please keep reading My List of Firsts, comment, tell your friends about it, blog about it, Tweet about it, whatever you want! I love that people read my story, and so I thank each and every one of my readers very much for inspiring me to continue my story with each chapter. :) Too mushy? I hope not. :P