Warnings- self harm, suicide, anxiety attacks

"Whoah there Kiddo, what happened?" Sans asked as he came in the front door. You were on the couch, crying and trying to sip some tea without spilling it. You knew your face was a mess, but you were too distraught to care.

"I f-failed my test." You whimpered, thinking about it making your tears renew again. You knew you didn't do that well, but you at least thought you had gotten a B but instead you were barely a handful of points from an F. The second you saw it, you started crying.

"Oh man, that's awful." He came to sit next to you on the couch and wrapped an arm around you. You leaned into his embrace and cried more. You had always gotten decent grades, so a failing test seemed to be the end of the world.

"How am I going to bring my grade back up?" You blubbered. "How am I going to pass this class? It's so important to my major. How am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life if I can't even pass one class?"

"Don't look at it that way," He said, rubbing your back. "Think of it as you facing adversity and overcoming an awful teacher."

"God I'm such an idiot." You whimpered again.

"No you're not. You're smart and creative and everyone is going to love you when you graduate."

"Thanks Sans." You say wetly. He just hummed and hugged you tighter.

You sat on your bed, trying to keep yourself from sobbing loudly. Sans had to leave a few hours ago to help Papyrus with something at the local gym – the taller skeleton took to using the human gym to train after breaking the barrier with Undyne and surprisingly Alphys, who was more motivated to exercise ever since confessing to the fish woman. Now, you were alone in the house you shared with the brothers, almost all of the lights off.

You tried to keep from doing anything you would regret, but that red number kept screaming at you, even after you threw it into the trashcan. After an hour of fighting with yourself, you caved. Now there were two dozen shallow cuts on your thigh. If Sans were to find out, he would be so disappointed with you.

You're so dumb. There's no way you could get a job. No one would want to hire someone who failed so miserably. You might as well give up now. You're pathetic. You're stupid. You're better off dead. You have no future no matter how hard you try. You should give up. Everyone will be happier if you give up.

The voice in your head screamed at you despite the cuts on your thigh. Usually cutting stopped the voice, but it seemed extra violent for some reason. You shuddered and sobbed again, biting your lip until a metallic taste filled your mouth, but it didn't help.

"Jeez Kid are you okay?" Sans asked from the other side of your door. You sniff loudly and say something inaudible. Sans opens the door and comes in, knowing he was the only one you wouldn't be mad at for entering your room without asking.

"I don't want to be here anymore." You whispered, your voice scratchy. Sans' eyelights seemed to dim as he processed what you said. He came to sit next to you, but you didn't lean into his warmth like you normally do.

"Again? What caused it this time?" He knew about your suicidal thoughts. He knew for a long time - he was one of the first down in the Underground who figured out why you were down there in the first place. You made him pinky promise not to tell anyone, and so far he's kept his promise. You looked at him and felt shame.

"The test…" You said, tearing up again. The voice screamed at you. Of course it was the test. You're a failure. You're going to be a burden on your friends until you die because you're too pathetic to pass class. You'll never graduate and you'll end up alone and dying because no one will want to deal with your stupid ass.

"Is that all?" Sans asked, pulling away and looking at you with a faint grin. You felt a spear stab through your chest.

"All…?" You repeated shakily.

"Yeah, I was worried it was something serious for a second. Don't scare me like that." He chuckled, but there was a ringing in your ears. He didn't think you were being serious. He didn't think this was worth being upset over. He was right. It wasn't worth getting upset over, but you were anyway. You were so pathetic.

"I think I want to be alone now." You said with more force in your voice that you thought possible. Sans blinked at you but didn't push it. He rubbed your back one more time before standing and leaving, making sure to close the door behind him.

As soon as he left, you felt more tears burn their way down your face. Even Sans thought you were pathetic. Out of everyone, you thought Sans would understand, but you were wrong. Of course you were wrong. You were pathetic and stupid and dumb. Everyone hates you.

You took out your pencil case from under the bed and unzipped it with surprisingly steady fingers. You pulled out the small razor you had taken out of a pencil sharpener months ago but had kept hidden. The pencil case also had bandages and tape, which you have run out of several times since starting the kit.

You made a new line for everything the voice said about you. You cut over the lines that had just stopped bleeding, wincing and grinning at the pain it brought you. You deserved it for trying to tell him. You were too stupid. Too pathetic. You were an unlovable idiot.

Your breathing started to pick up painfully. You knew you were about to have a panic attack, but you knew you couldn't go to Sans this time. Your vision started blurring as the oxygen overloaded your body. Gasping for a deep breath, you started choking. You shoved your face in your pillow in hopes that it would keep yourself under control, that almost suffocating yourself would calm you down – it didn't. You could feel the blood dripping down your leg as you sobbed into your pillow.

You knew you were overreacting. It was just one bad test grade. But to you, and to the voice in your head, that one bad test grade determined the rest of your life.

You eventually drifted off to sleep, letting the blood harden into a brown blob on your leg.

It's been almost a month and you haven't gotten any better. In fact, one may argue that you've gotten even worse.

You've been avoiding Sans as much as possible. The voice kept telling you that he didn't want to be bothered by you. He was too smart to be dealing with your idiocy. Since that last test, you've failed every assignment given to you.

There was no point in trying anymore. You've stopped paying attention in class, stopped taking notes. In the classes that you even bothered showing up to, you slept through. Your professors tried reaching out – they knew you were a good student before. They didn't understand why you had suddenly given up.

"Hey Kid, I got a call from one of your teachers," Sans came up to you one day, practically cornering you in the kitchen. You shrugged and tried to push past him, but he was solid. "They're worried about you. Apparently you've been skipping class, falling asleep, not turning in assignments and half assing the ones you do turn in. They also mentioned some of the drawings they found on your work. Real disturbing stuff. Anything you want to talk about?"

"I'm fine." Was all you said, finally pushing past him and going up to your room. You locked the door behind you, forgetting that doors and locks never made a difference to the shorter skeleton. You went to change, slipping your shirt off just as the door flew open again.

You were caught red handed – or rather red stomached. Your torso was littered in dozens of cuts in a variety of shades of red. You quickly tried to put your shirt back on, but you were frozen in place. You could see the fire in his eye and felt as though you were going to throw up.

"It doesn't look like you're fine." He growled, his grin tightening.

"Let me go Sans." You said with more confidence than you thought you were able.

"I don't think so. It seems like there's a lot to talk about." The pressure surrounding you tightened.

"Put me down. I'm meeting with some friends." Your voice was dead. So dead in fact, that Sans lost control of his magic for a second, which caused you to fall to the ground in a pile. You slipped a new shirt on over your head and grabbed a jacket before pushing past him.

"When did I lose you?" You heard him asked as you walked back down the stairs.

"A long time ago." You said back, so quietly you weren't sure if he could hear you. Oh well, it was for the best.

You really were going to meet with some friends, or rather some people you met behind the school one day that offered you a way to ignore the voice. They hung around the liquor store, drinking and smashing bottles. One of them was of age and would buy alcohol for the minors if they had money. You made your way over and one noticed you. They raised a hand in greeting but other than that they didn't make a big deal of it.

"Have the cash?" The oldest asked. You nodded and dug it out of your pocket. It was the money you had been saving for textbooks, but what was the point in saving for textbooks if you were just going to flunk out anyway?

"Hey, weren't you in my public speaking class last semester?" Another asked you. You looked at him and realized he was a little familiar.

"Probably." You said simply. He came a little closer, towering over you.

"Yeah it was definitely you. You did that whole speech about the monsters," He said, his whole face lighting up in recognition. I waited for an insult, but it never came. "I thought it was really cool. No doubt it was the best in the class."

"Thanks." You nodded curtly and took the bottle the first person handed you. The second person, whose name was Jake? Josh? You didn't remember. Jake/Josh looked at you again, this time with a puzzled expression.

"You aced that class, and I heard you talking about your GPA. Why're you hanging out with us if you're so good at school? Everyone knows we're the drop outs." He shoved his hands in his pockets. You stared at him, wondering what to tell him.

"Well, I'm failing now so here I am. I was never good enough for college anyway. It was a waste of my time and money." You said bitterly, taking another sip. The alcohol burned as it went down, but you had learned to enjoy the pain.

"You? Failing? That's hard to believe." Jake/Josh said with a laugh. You didn't laugh with him. You instead pulled out your phone and pulled up your grades. He read them with an incredulous look on his face. "Holy crap you really are failing." He breathed as you put your phone away and took another few sips.

No one said anything for a few minutes as you guzzled as much of your bottle as possible. You tossed the empty container into the pile of bottles to be smashed and gave a curt wave before walking away. Those people weren't your friends.

You made it back to your house somehow, despite your vision blurring a little and your feet walking slower than your mind thought they were. You opened the door and tried to go up the steps, only to trip on the first one.

"Kid?" Sans asked from the kitchen. You scowled and ignored him, going up the rest of the steps more carefully. You didn't hear him follow you, but even if you had, you wouldn't have cared. You went into the bathroom the three of you shared and took out a bottle of your sleeping pills – weak, over the counter stuff, but it helped you. You tipped four out onto your hand and threw them back with some water. You accidentally knocked the bottle over and scattered the pills all over the floor but you were too drunk to think about picking them up. Instead you just went to your room and climbed into bed without bothering to get changed.

You didn't expect to hear a shout from the bathroom, or to have your door practically kicked open. Within seconds, Sans was at your side, trying to make you throw up. You tried to push him away, but you were already so nauseous that you really didn't have the strength for it. Within minutes your stomach was empty and your head was pounding.

"Sans what the fuck?" You asked angrily as you tried to pull off your soiled shirt. He looked at you with such anger you thought he was going to hit you. Good. You deserved it.

"What the fuck me? What the fuck you?" He practically spat at you, but you didn't have the energy to flinch away. "You come home drunk off your ass and try to kill yourself? How could you do that to us? We love you so much." You blinked at him, not comprehending what he was saying at first. When you did, you felt anger flare up in your chest.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just trying to go to sleep. And besides, why would you care? You didn't notice when I tried last week to off myself. No, you didn't notice then, but when I really just want to sleep you play the over protective dad card. I see how it is." The bitterness in your tone almost shocked you. Almost.

You wish you could have said you almost forgot about your attempt, but in reality it's been haunting you every minute of your day, both waking and sleeping. You never told Sans. You knew he didn't care.

"You… what?" He sounded so lost that you almost felt bad, but you didn't. You were pathetic and stupid. You didn't have feelings like that. You were suddenly wrapped up in a tight hug. You could feel his bones digging into your sides as you tried to struggle but he held you firmly. You could feel wetness spreading on your shoulder and realized with a pang that he was crying. You had made him cry, you worthless, idiotic sack of shit.

"I tried to kill myself. That's all. Nothing serious to worry about." You said echoing his own words with a bitter twist. He practically dropped you with how fast he pulled away, a look on his face you had never seen before.

"N-nothing to worry about? What the fuck is going on with you? And I want real answers. Skipping class, getting drunk, attempting suicide… What happened? What happened to the bright little kid that broke the barrier and saved us?"

"That kid was a faker," You told him. "They didn't know anything. They were stupid and naïve and pathetic. They wouldn't have been able to pass a single test if they hadn't had the help of the monsters. They would have died down there. They should have died down there."

"You don't really think that, do you?" He asked, but the look in your eyes told him all he needed to know to answer his question. "You're not stupid, alright? You're so smart. You had – you still have - such a bright future. What I don't understand is why you're throwing it away like this."

"You can't throw away something you never had," You spit out. "I'm a complete idiot. I'm stupid and pathetic and I'll just be a waste of everyone's time. I was never going to go anywhere in life. No one is going to want to hire someone like me. I should have given up a long time ago, but I was delusional enough to think that studying was all it took to be smart. Well new flash, it's not."

"Wait, is this all because of that one test grade?" Sans breathed. You could see him connecting the dots in his head. He was always so much smarter than you. "You gave up because of one test? You didn't you tell me? We could have worked together to bring your grade up and-"

"Come to you? Really?" You asked rhetorically. Sans winced at the tone of your voice. "If I remember correctly you didn't think it was that big of a deal. You didn't think it was something to worry about. So I didn't bother you." Tears finally broke through your cold mask, and Sans' face softened as he took a step forward.

"I didn't mean it that way-" he tried to say, his words getting caught in his throat. You just looked away, too tired and nearly intoxicated enough to deal with that right now.

"Just leave me alone, please Sans." You whispered, your tears making your voice almost inaudible. He hesitated, conflicted, but didn't leave. You didn't know if you wanted to be annoyed or relieved, so you kept a passive face.

"I've left you alone too long already," he said, almost like he was confessing to some crime. You sat on the bed, trying to avoid the puddle of alcohol-and-pills that was on your carpet. You were going to have to clean that before you went to sleep, you realized with a grimace. "Now I need you to tell me what you need me to do."

"I don't need anything." You denied, but a part of you wanted to scream "yes! I need help! Please don't leave me alone again!" But you kept silent.

"We both know that's a lie, I can see it in your eyes." He missed the opportunity for the pun he always made when trying to cheer you up. He would say something like "I nose something it up." As he handed you a tissue. But not this time. This was a matter of life or death. A matter of your life or death. You sighed and looked at your lap.

"There's no point Sans. I already gave up. There's no way I can get my grades up now. I might as well not try."

"There's always a way Kid. And with my help, we can get you up to a B easy." He smiled at you, the tension in his shoulders melting a little. You weren't so sure.

"There's no way. I've missed too many classes and assignments. My Professors won't care, they just see a zero and not a reason." You felt like crying again. You really messed up this time. You let yourself fall so far there really might not be any way to make your way out again.

"Here, get your computer and let's see if we can't find a way to fix this." Sans suggested. You did what he said and opened up your email, adding your professors one by one in the recipients before starting the message.

It took you the better part of the evening to compose the email, and by the end you were emotionally drained. In your email, you explained what had happened in the past month, apologizing for letting yourself become such an awful student and informing them you were going to seek help for your suicidal thoughts and self-harm issues. It was Sans' idea to be as professional about it as possible, so you added a part that said something like 'I understand if you are unable to allow me to try and bring my grade up before the end of the semester, but it would make my recovery a lot easier if I had a second chance to right the wrongs against you and myself' or something similar.

The second you send the email, you felt yourself panicking. Thankfully Sans was there for you this time. He was a pro at talking you down from panic attacks at this point. He rubbed your back and led you in your breathing until you were calmed down enough.

Surprisingly, the first response came within twenty minutes. It was from the professors whose test you had failed. She said she couldn't let you retake the tests you had missed for it would be unfair to the other students, but she was willing to give you extra credit papers and homework in order to get your grade up as much as possible. She said she understood how tough it can be to function while plagued with such thoughts, and how she lost a brother to suicide. She said she would look forward to seeing you in class again, and that you should be a little nicer to yourself because you had a bright future ahead of you.

You started crying again. You never expected your professor to be so understanding, let alone be willing to help you bring your grade back up. You still had seven weeks to catch up, and Sans seemed confident that you would make it.

You buried your face in his hoodie and started sobbing, but the whole time you had a smile on your face.

"Well?" Sans asked, sounding as nervous as you felt. It had been seven weeks exactly since Sans found you. Since then, you had been studying and doing makeup work almost every waking hour of the day. You ended up taking leave from your job in order to finish your work, something the skeleton's were actually happy about. They never liked you working to begin with. They were more than willing to pay for everything, but you were too stubborn to let them do that.

In the seven weeks, you had also gotten help. It started with just talking to Alphys and getting medical attention for your cuts, but it quickly moved to talking to a human doctor. Despite your immediate trepidation, you began taking antidepressants. Sans only convinced you to take them when he agreed to take them too, so you've both been keeping each other on track. So far it seems to be working, but you weren't sure if it was the medication or the support you received from your friends that brought your mood up so much.

Between Sans, Alphys, and Toriel, you managed to bring almost all your grades up. There was one teacher that wasn't too keen on giving you a second chance, but you showed him you were more than capable of passing his class.

Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus and Sans were crowded into the kitchen, waiting for the browser to load. As soon as the page was up, you would see what your final GPA was for the semester. You held your breath as the page loaded. Your eyes instantly honed in on your final grade, and you felt all the air leave your body.

3.2

You managed to bring your GPA up from a 2.1 to a 3.2. It wasn't as good as your 3.7 from the previous semester, but it was so much better than you ever thought you could do.

"You did it!" Undyne screeched as she picked you up and spun you around. You laughed as tears ran down your face. You did it, you really did it.

"I never had a doubt." Sans grinned up at you, and as soon as Undyne put you down you tackled him to the ground.

"Thank you Sans." You laughed and sobbed and cried, but you had never been happier.

"You can do anything you put your mind to," He said, chuckling and hugging you back. "But you have to promise me to never doubt yourself like that again, alright?"

You just nodded, grinning too wide to say anything.

"I think this is cause for celebration!" Papyrus exclaimed. "Let us go out for dinner tonight, human's choice!"

You sniffled and wiped your eyes with your shirt. You realized then more than ever before how much you needed these crazy, over the top, wonderful monsters.

I'll be completely honest. I wasn't going to write anymore for this story. I had the Final Chapter TM written and ready for posting, but then I remembered why I started writing this in the first place. I needed a coping method, and now with my depression hitting me in the ass with a spiked bat, here's a new chapter.

There was going to be all this symbolism of making the 50th chapter the final one and uploading it on the anniversary of the first chapter, but who cares about sentiment? I sure as hell don't.

I can't guarantee another 50 chapters, but I can tell you to watch out for some depressing shit coming up soon. I'm sorry if that's not what you were hoping for, but I really need something to use as a coping mechanism other than hacking my leg apart -_-"

Until next time.

Starlight