Warnings – depression

You stared at your ceiling, trying to stop the burning in your eyes. You refused to cry. You refused to you. You refused to-

A single tear worked its way down your cheek, but you refused to make any sound. You couldn't let the others know you were crying. You didn't want to worry them any more than you already have. It's been almost a year since you fell into the Underground, and you couldn't be happier living with your friends. You usually rotated between friends, so they could all spend time with you, but you found yourself staying in Snowdin more often than not. You heard the steps creaking and knew someone was coming upstairs. You quickly wiped your face and took a deep breath just as someone knocked on your door.

"Yo Kid, you ready? Papyrus is back with the stuff." Sans said. You were to make special cookies with the brothers today, and part of you was dreading it. It was so tiring, keeping up a happy persona all the time. You didn't know how much longer you could do it.

But instead of saying anything, you just told him you'd be down in a minutes. You changed into long pants and a tank top so your sleeves wouldn't get in the way of the baking. The skeletons liked to keep the house warm anyway, so you wouldn't freeze as long as they kept the front door closed.

Making your way downstairs, you could smell the oven heating up and felt your plastered on smile turn a little more genuine. Papyrus had laid the ingredients on the table in color order and was trying to get the bowls down without dropping them.

You picked up the recipe and laughed a little at how many steps there were. Of course Papyrus picked the most difficult cookie recipe ever made.

"Are you ready human?" Papyrus asked, turning to look at you as he tilted backwards on the chair he was using to reach the top cabinets. Sans waved his hand and used him magic to steady his brother, who didn't seemed the slightest bit ruffled over the fact he almost just toppled onto the floor painfully. "These cookies will prove our friendship!"

"I'm super stoked Paps." You tried to say with genuine enthusiasm, but it sounded flat to your ears. Thankfully the skeletons didn't seem to think anything was off because they just launched into the recipe.

You found out that Sans had quite the knack for baking, back in the first few weeks of you staying with them. You were ecstatic to see the shorter skeleton be so excited about something. You had been worrying for his mental health, and to see him so lively made your chest warm. You guessed that he used baking as a coping mechanism for whatever he was dealing with.

It was a lot of fun, making the incredibly difficult cookies. For a while, you were actually happy. The first batch was completely wrong. Instead of baking into cookies, the dough just melted into a sheet of rock hard sugar. Thankfully, you had enough to make a second batch – paying even closer attention to the recipe that time – and the dough from the failed batch was tasty on its own. You snacked on the dough as you decorated the other ones that actually came out of the oven looking how they were supposed to.

The whole house smelled like cookies, and you felt the warmth in your chest grow. This was what you had been missing on the surface. This was what you needed.

"You seem sleepy, dear human." Papyrus said from across the table. You looked up and saw he had icing across his forehead. You smiled weakly and laughed once. You hadn't realized you had been staring into space – something you did when pretending to be happy became too tiring for you.

"Yeah, I've been having trouble falling asleep recently. I'll be fine after a good night." You smiled, showing your teeth in an attempt to convince Papyrus you're alright. He hesitated before nodding, almost as if he didn't believe you but he let the topic drop. You sighed as soon as his back as turned his back.

Grabbing a cookie, you make a comment about taking a shower and make your way out of the kitchen. You heard two voices call after you as you went up the stairs. As soon as you were in the bathroom and had the water running, you let the smile drop off your face. Your whole body drained of what little energy it had and you sat on the ground with your back against the tub.

Resting your forehead on your knees, you let the fatigue wash through you as the mirror began to fog up. You thought about the movie night you were supposed to go to tomorrow and felt your chest tighten even more. How were you going to keep up your happy façade for hours?

You sobbed dryly but it didn't stop the tightness in your chest. It was like a weight was crushing your ribs and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You let yourself cry for another ten minutes before shaking your head and getting in the shower to let the hot water melt away your sadness.

You came home from the Librarby after finishing the Ma-Mi section. You had spent one day a week there for the past few months and read every book in order of author. It was a good way to kill time, and you also learned a lot about the Underground. It was also one of the only times you were able to drop your smile for a few hours without anyone bothering you.

You usually spent the whole day there, but after four hours or so you started getting a painful headache and decided to call it a day several hours early.

You pulled out your keys and went to unlock the front door but realized it was already unlocked, something that never happened. Papyrus never left the door unlocked unless someone was home. You were suddenly on edge, listening for any unfamiliar sounds.

Creeping into the living room, you strained your ears but didn't hear anything out of place. There was a ticking of the clock, the faint dripping of the tall sink and the occasional creak of the house battling the perpetual storm outside.

You relaxed as you headed up to your room. You figured even Papyrus forgot things like locking the door sometimes. You were maybe three steps from the top of the staircase when you smelt smoke. Rushing to the top, you followed the smell to the first room in the hall.

You stood in from of Pap's room, confused. Why would smoke be coming from his room? It wasn't a fire smoke, you could tell from the distinct cigarette smell. You were familiar with it seeing how Sans would smoke occasionally, whenever Papyrus wasn't around.

You placed an ear to the door but didn't hear anything from inside the room other than the whirling hum of the computer Papyrus never turned off. Disregarding your instinct to not go into the skeleton's room without knocking, you cracked the door open.

Papyrus was sitting at his desk, the window above it wide open. An icy breeze ran through the room, carrying the thick smoke out of the house. Papyrus himself was wearing an oversized sweatshirt and baggy pants, the opposite of anything you had seen him in. You didn't even know he owned that kind of clothing.

He must have heard the door open, because he took a long drag before putting the cigarette in the ash tray and twisting his chair around to face you. It was shocking, not seeing the usually bright smile on his face. In its place was one of the most tired half-grins you had ever seen, and you had spent a lot of time with Sans.

"You are back early." He said, and you could see him trying to force a brighter smile for you. You felt your face drop as your realized what he was doing. It was almost like he looked more comfortable sitting alone in his room wearing clothes you thought until a minute ago that he would never be caught in. He was doing the same thing you were.

"How long?" You asked, ignoring his statement. You felt the weight in your chest turn your stomach inside out as he picked the cigarette back up and took a long drag, blowing the smoke out the window. Papyrus looked at you, and you could almost see bruises under his eye sockets. How did you not realize this sooner?

"I cannot remember anymore. It has been a long, long time," Papyrus snuffed the cigarette out on the palm of his hand. You flinched, but the small burn didn't seem to affect the skeleton at all. "I believe it started when Sans worked in the Labs with Alphys and… I cannot seem to remember who the third person was. Anyway, I would be left home for days on end, and when Sans came home he was always severely depressed. It was horrific, seeing his HP drop lower and lower and lower until one evening it was a below one. If he so much as stubbed his toe he would have died. I realized early on that if I acted happy and innocent, Sans would not be so upset when he came home. I realized that I had the power to keep my brother alive, and I am certain without me he would have dusted himself long ago."

"Does Sans know?" You asked, your body feeling numb at his story.

"He does not have a clue. I tried showing him my real personality and he was so afraid he had a panic attack. He thought he had failed me, and that was why I was acting that way. After that I doubled my efforts to keep him happy."

"You have to let him know eventually," You said carefully. "You're both adults now, and he's been doing really good with his depression." Papyrus gave a sharp laugh and stretched, his spine snapping and cracking into place.

"If I told him now, he would be destroyed. His beloved brother has been lying to him for most of his life? He would hate me," Papyrus scowled, and the expression looked so out of place on his face you questioned for a moment if you were just imagining it. "Besides, I am so used to it at this point I doubt I would be able to drop this mask. The only time I am able to be myself is when I am alone like this. Otherwise I feel like I am lying."

"I understand." You all but whispered, not sure how to comfort the skeleton. You never thought you would be in the position to be comforting him – he was always the one comforting you when you were upset. He gave you a long look before glancing away. He stared at the sleeping screen of his computer.

"I know you do, and it is something that has been bothering me quite a bit recently." Even though he wasn't looking at you, it felt as though he was staring into your soul. Part of you wanted to deny it, but a stronger part of you knew he already knew. Denying it wouldn't help you at all. You signed and shuffled in place.

"I don't know when it started." You said, looking at your feet. Papyrus stood and placed a gently hand on your arm. He brought you over to his bed and sat you down before crouching in front of you. You looked at him and realized how close you were to tears when his comforting face was blurry and out of focus.

"It is going to be okay dear one. Tell Papyrus what is bothering you so much." His voice was warm and smooth, almost like Sans'. You never realized how similar they sounded because he always put on the exuberant near-screech. You could really tell they were brothers just by their voices. You sniffled and blinked until your vision was clear.

"I was always depressed, at least for the past couple of years. That's the reason I'm down here. It got better when I met everyone, but recently I've been getting bad again but I don't know why. I figured no one would want to deal with me being all depressed and mopey so I tried to pretend everything was fine so no one would worry."

"We have all noticed Human, despite your best efforts." Papyrus said, almost scathingly. If he had eyebrows, you could see one of them raised.

"Wait-" You felt your stomach drop to the floor. They knew? But you had tried so hard to hide it.

"Why do you think you need to hide your depression? Do you not trust your friends?"

"Of course I do!" You exclaimed, feeling hurt that Papyrus would even suggest that. "I just…"

"You just…?" Papyrus goaded you on.

"I just don't know how the others will react." You finished lamely. Papyrus just nodded before standing and moving to sit next to you. He wrapped one long arm around your shoulders and pulled you in so your head was resting on his chest.

"You do not have to worry about how we will react. We will love and care for you no matter what." He said, his strangely honey-like voice extremely comforting.

"What about you?" You asked, the smell of smoke mixed with the smell of Papyrus confused you but oddly made you feel at home. "We all care about you too, and you've been struggling for so long and you shouldn't have to pretend either." You started tearing up.

"Nyeh heh heh… I guess you are right. I know how difficult it is going to be, to stop pretending. Maybe it is the right time for myself to stop pretending as well. Though I do not know how Sans will react…"

"Hey, we have each other right? We don't have to do this alone." You took his hand and gave it a gently squeeze. It was odd feeling the bones of his hand without is gloves. His fingers were longer and more slender than Sans' but had the same smoothness to it.

"You are correct," He smiled at you, and you could finally see the old Papyrus you were so used to. "We do have each other."

Just then, a door closed downstairs. You looked at each other, contemplating not going down at all, but Papyrus stood and offered you his hand. You took it with a smile and stood, heading to the door first. You hesitated when you realized Papyrus wasn't following you.

"Aren't you coming?" You asked as he made his way back to the desk. He waved a hand and reached for a new cigarette.

"You go on ahead. I need a few moments to gather my thoughts. You have to remember that I have not broken this façade in almost a decade." He said, turning towards the open window and lit the cigarette with a powder blue lighter. You nodded and went down to the kitchen, where Sans was reheating some leftovers.

You felt your chest tightening with every step, but Papyrus' promise to work with you kept you determined enough to keep walking. Sans was just removing his plate from the microwave when you got his attention.

"Hey Sans?" You said timidly. "There's something I need to tell you."

"There's something we both need to tell you." Papyrus said behind you. You jumped at his voice and glanced back at him. He hadn't changed from his hoodie and sweatpants, but the most upsetting thing was the fear clearly written on his face.

"Everything okay bro?" Sans asked, his tone colored with apprehension.

"Actually, no… everything is not okay. But that is what I wish to talk to you about," He took a shaking breath and stepped fully into the kitchen. "It started a few years ago…"

So this was just going to be a normal Sans comfort thing, but I realized if any character would be hiding their sadness it would be the Great Papyrus. I wanted to get this up before Halloween because tomorrow I'm going to be ten kinds of frantic getting everything together before the sun sets and the trick-or-treaters come out.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I never thought in a million years that everyone would be so ecstatic for a new chapter. I hope to be able to keep writing chapters that you guys deserve, so please be patient!

Until next time~

Starlight