Hello everyone! I have to say a humungous apology for the delay. As I wrote in my note, life's been completely hectic, and I was sick for a while and had personal things to deal with. Luckily, everything's resolved now, and I have some time one again.

Some of you wrote such sweet things, and all I can say is thank you. 3

If anyone's still reading My List of Firsts, then I hope you enjoy this chapter! It's certainly not the happiest, but I promise there will be cheerier things to come. Please tell me what you think!

Chapter 20: My First Sacrifice

I had to give up Freddie.

It was possibly the hardest decision I had ever made. True, I was still in love with him, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Knowing Freddie, he would reject me if I told him. Most likely it would tear apart our friendship, and even the one I shared with Carly. There was no way he felt the same for me, and our frenemy-ship was already strained enough by my secret that I didn't need it to crumble with the truth.

When I woke up, I thought that maybe my opinion would have changed. I almost hoped it would have. I still loved Freddie; nothing would change that, so it was hard for me to face the idea of letting him go. But it had to be done.

Stretching, I swung myself out of bed, not ready to face the day, but not actually having anything to do, anyway. My hand ran through my curls, getting stuck as a result of the messy texture they gained from sleep. I shuffled slowly through the hallway, making my way down the stairs lazily until I finally reached the kitchen. I grabbed at the cupboard until my fingers wrapped around the handle and pried it open. I was tired and distracted, so this was harder than usual.

My mother was still out of town, so I was on my own to find food, but that's how it was even when she was here. I barely even realized that I was pouring the cereal into the bowl, that I got out the milk, that there was a spoon in my hand. Eating was never an activity that passed me by; I always savored each bite, no matter how quickly it was taken. But today was different. My sour mood veiled me in some sort of passiveness – or, at least, I think that's the word Carly used several months ago when I gave her the silent treatment instead of telling her why her not stocking the fridge with tenderloins upset me.

Staring blankly around, I really didn't know what to do with myself. There was nothing new going on today, and I had no desire to see Freddie or Carly because this was just so weird and so hard. They wouldn't understand, as I couldn't even tell them in the first place. Do you know how hard it is not to be able to talk things out with your best friend? Carls and I normally talk about everything, but I never told her my feelings for Freddie, and she always tries to meddle with this stuff, and she just wouldn't understand. She's quite the talker but she can't find out about this.

I found myself needing to move about, since my plan several days before to just sit and ignore everything hadn't worked. But there was nowhere to go.

Maybe I should go by some meat. I didn't have much money, but I basically had a credit account with the deli since he often gave me extra stuff for free. I'm pretty sure I'm his best customer.

"Two sausages," there was no 'please' added on to the end of my sentence as I tried to blow my hair out of my face. It was such a nuisance. Frank looked at me with pity in his eyes but knew better than to ask questions. He had been there when I'd ran into his freezer that one day I'd cried over my father, and we had some unspoken agreement or something. It was like a friendship, but not really. More of an understanding.

He handed them over and I tried to smile faintly, but my efforts fell flat. Instead I just nodded and began the slow trod back to my house. Walking up the steps and through the door, I wanted to just slump on the couch and will away my feelings for Freddie. Then we could go back to being frenemies and life would be so much easier.

Unfortunately, I could do no such thing. Not only was that probably impossible, but the phone was ringing. Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I marched over to it and slammed my finger against the 'talk' button.

"Yes?" I didn't care if it was the Queen of England at that point, manners and Sam Puckett are not meant to go in the same sentence.

"Sam! Oh, good, there you are! I texted you and called your cellphone but you didn't pick up and I was beginning to get worried," the voice was frantic, but slowly calming down with each word.

"Yep, it's me," I responded flatly. Guess I'd left my phone somewhere in the house.

Luckily, she was too busy being relieved that I was alive to notice my tone. I guess I often sounded bored, anyway.

"Are you busy? We could go get a smoothie or something." I could tell she just wanted to see her best friend, and I have to admit I kind of wanted to see her, too, but now was not the time, and she was only going to pester me with questions if I showed up like this. Lying to Carly was never something I enjoyed.

"I'm busy eating meat. I went to the deli."

"Well you can eat meat with me, too, can't you?"

"That I can." I didn't know where this was headed.

"Why don't you come over? Unless you'd rather sit at home by yourself all day and just gaze at your meat." There it was, the Carly I knew, prodding me along. Normally she could make me crack a huge smile and laugh at something like that – just like she almost always did – but now I just felt blah.

"If you want me to. I guess I can always take the meat with me."

"There you go. See? You don't have to mope around all day!" Classic Carly. Always the optimist, always trying to make everyone happy. I didn't deserve a friend like her.

"I'll be over soon." With that she had some enthusiastic response and I just put the phone back and looked around absently. Scooping up my sausages, I headed out the door and started the journey to the Shay apartment. This would be an interesting visit. What was I getting myself into?

I knocked on the door and stood there waiting. Though I wasn't impatient because I wanted to get inside, I wanted to get away from Freddie's apartment as soon as possible, not wanting to have any run-ins with him today. Or ever.

There was, of course, a smiling face to greet me at the door, and I turned up the corners of my mouth. I really was happy to see Carly – I nearly always was – it was just hard because I was trying not to think about what I'd just given up or the fact that I'd given it up, yet it was challenging not to do so while with her, especially not while in such a close proximity.

Before we could say much to each other, Spencer walked out. "Okay you two, I'm going to the junk yard. I don't want any fires or parties or mango-eating porcupines to be here when I get back." He tried to look at us sternly, though it didn't really work. He then leaned in and whispered, as if there were other people around, "though if you do find a mango-eating porcupine, make sure to ask it what it's name is and keep it, because I've always wanted to meet one." When he straightened up again, he waggled a finger at us. "Dad would not approve of any such nonsense. So don't let me see it!" With that, he was off.

For a moment we just stared at the now-closed door before turning to each other and shaking our heads. I raised an eyebrow, "why was he wearing floaties?"

"I don't even know," she chuckled slightly. We found ourselves both laughing at the very confusing sight, though I still wasn't out of my funk or whatever.

The afternoon came, and the morning had been somewhat of a blur. Since we were best friends, having a good time together wasn't that hard. But then, of course, the inevitable happened. Mr. Frednub aka the one person in the world I had decided I never wanted to see again came knocking on her door.

How'd I know it was him? Well one door shut only seconds before there was a knock. To say that I started to freak out a little would be an understatement, but somehow I kept it all inside. I just didn't know how to interact with him anymore, but I was the only one who was making it awkward for myself. I was overanalyzing the whole thing. He probably wouldn't notice I liked him – he still hadn't – and I was giving up on the thought, so now no one would ever have to know. Great. Just cheery. I was my own biggest problem. You know when teachers try to explain some sort of inner turmoil the characters in our books our facing? Well I think I understand it now.

"Hey Shay," he grinned when Carly opened the door. "Sam," he nodded to me pleasantly. I just stared at him indifferently, determined to cover whatever the heck was going on inside with a mild amount of caring, which, if I was lucky, they could also take for hunger (my usual state).

Well this is going to be fun, I thought to myself, the sarcasm falling flat as I was actually starting to grow worried. It wasn't that I feared being sad around him or anything, because, even though it hurt, I wasn't really the tragic mopey type. It was that I was afraid Carly and Freddie would pick up on the fight I was having in my brain and start to suspect I liked him. Not only would that set back my progress, but it'd also be about the most humiliating thing ever.

He came in and sat on the stool at the computer, swirling around to face us as Carly placed herself on the other side of the couch. "What're you up to today?" she looked at him.

"Nothin' much. Sittin' and starin' it seems." He thought he was so funny. There's a reason his name's Frednub and not Freddie the Comedian.

"Oh, Freddie," Carly rolled her eyes, looking rather bemused.

"What? Was it not funny?" He pouted slightly.

"Uh," she hesitated, obviously not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"Get over yourself, Benson. Just because she's too nice to say it doesn't mean it isn't true," my tone wasn't that mean, more of a fed-up sigh.

He frowned and stuck out his tongue at me, and I of course returned the favor.

"Okay, you two," Carly looked between us warningly. She never liked it when we fought, though she usually had to put up with it, anyway.

I just looked at Freddie and rolled my eyes. "I need a nap," I said, flopping onto my back, glancing up to see Carly hovering above me as my head was now right near where she was sitting. But, of course, being the great best friend she is, she simply shrugged and chuckled lightly at my bluntness or something and let me stay there.

But as much as I tried to sleep, my eyes would close but my brain wouldn't turn off. Though I didn't listen too closely to their conversation, I caught bits and pieces of it, and started to think. I liked Freddie. No, I loved Freddie. But I couldn't love him, and therefore I was just going to push my feelings aside and move on with life. He didn't love me. He wouldn't love me. I'm Sam Puckett. He only knows me as a bully and occasionally friendly person. Plus he liked Carly. Didn't he? He hadn't asked her out or talked about her good-smelling hair or anything of the sort in several years.

Wait, is Freddie over Carly? At this realization I shot up in my seat, my eyes wide and my mind racing.

"Have a bad dream?" Her voice barely registered in my mind. How was I supposed to explain myself?

"Mhmmm," I agreed, not even sure what I was agreeing to as I returned my head to the couch and squeezed my eyelids together, thinking about this revelation.

It couldn't be true. He'd always had a crush on Carly and he always would. As much as it hurt to think of his feelings for her, it gave me yet another excuse to push away what I felt for him.

But now the doubt was stuck in my mind and I couldn't shove it out. Dang it. Stupid doubt, trying to ruin my life. It was impossible to nap after this, but I had a feeling that making it known I was awake and having to talk to them would only be harder, so I lay there quietly with my eyes closed, trying not to contemplate this heavy question. I wasn't even able to tell what I wanted the answer to be.

If he did still have a crush on Carly, then it'd be even more reason to push my feelings away, but it'd also hurt a lot. If he didn't, then it would be less painful to think about, but only give me false hope, since I know Freddie would never like me back.

The more I thought about it, the worse it got, and finally I sat back up. "Naptime's over," I announced to no one.

"Thanks for the newsflash," Freddie chuckled.

"Whatever, Benson," I just rolled my eyes, not wanting to deal with any of this.

"Where are you rushing off to?" Carly said jokingly as I stood up.

Unfortunately, I was trying to escape them, but I couldn't say that. "I, uh…" There was nothing coming into my mind and I didn't know what to do. "I have stuff to take care of," I answered lamely, shrugging at Carly before heading out the door.

When I got home, I must have slammed the front door about three times before it stayed shut, which only made me more upset. I was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should never have let myself like the nub. If it weren't for my stupid feelings, then I wouldn't be here right now, freaking out about giving up something I should never have wanted in the first place.

I had not ever been big on breaking down, especially not over my emotions, but it'd all been stuffed inside so long – the crush, the love, the abandoning of it all – that I didn't know what else to do, and walked right up to the wall and kicked it. Hard. My foot didn't appreciate it, but my mind was racing too fast to register the pain.

I shouldn't like him. He wouldn't like me. I was lame. Feelings had never been something to stand in the way of Sam Puckett, and now was not the time to let them start. He was Freddie, the largest nub in the world, and someone I would hate if it weren't for Carly's shoving us into frenemy territory. Stupid Carly. Stupid Frednub. Stupid me.

Finally I paid some attention to the present and found that I was tugging at my hair for some strange reason. Facing them had to be easier than this. I was making myself crazy by over-analyzing this whole thing. This wasn't fair, I wasn't supposed to be like this. Of course I had feelings, I'd been hurt and angry and sad before, but only the hateful (and occasionally slightly friendly-ish) ones were supposed to go to Freddie.

Walking upstairs – okay, stomping upstairs – I just wanted to go back in time or something. Whatever would make this insanity go away. I didn't do well with things I couldn't control.

I shoved my mirror out of the way, almost knocking it off the wall, and yanked down my list. As much as I wanted to rip it up so I wouldn't ever have to see acknowledgement of my feelings for him, I couldn't bring myself to do it. There was a small part of me that didn't want to let go. Okay, fine. None of me wanted to let go, but I had to. It was the best answer.

Was it?

My brain was all tangled in confusion and I didn't know the answers or even what I wanted them to be. There was so much back-and-forth that I couldn't figure anything out. Not now.

Since when was I the type of person to freak out about her feelings and hide away because it was too hard to face someone? Since never. I'm Sam Puckett, and I don't hide from things I don't like; I either shove them away and ignore them until they die (like Melanie's hamster when we were five… what?) or I beat them until they do what I want (like when Freddie used to not share his food with me). So, since I couldn't just beat myself until my feelings went away, I'd have to ignore all of this despair I was putting myself in and move on with live as it usually was.

The only problem is that I was still completely in love with Freddie, and I had no idea how to stop it.

That was sad for me to write... :( But Seddie isn't over forever, don't worry!

I'd love to hear your feedback on this chapter and my story in general, and, again, thank you to everyone for being so patient with me and to those of you who've stuck around. It really, really means a lot to me. :)