Naruto was completely stoked that in a matter of minutes he would be on a so called lunch "date" with his man Sasuke and their pinkette friend, Sakura; personally, he would kick her out of the group and have Sasuke all to himself, but he actually liked listening to what the pink-haired girl had to say. He ran into his bedroom and looked inside his pink carpeted closet to find an appropriate outfit for the occasion, but his options were severely limited due to the fact that he practically everything he wore was an orange jump suit. Naruto hated to admit it, but that weird-ass mother fucking midget named Phillip was right; he seriously needed to find something more sensible to wear instead of his gay-ass orange jump suits which looked like a fag space suit that Justin Bieber would wear if he went to conquer the Smurfs' ghetto on the moon. People had before asked Naruto if he wore those jumpsuits because he was a homosexual, but he admitted that he would wear them even if he was straight, so technically, his fashion sense had nothing to do with being gay regardless of the stereotypes that people impose upon him.
He sighed and just put on a clean orange jump suit; later that day, he planned to go to some clothing store and find something more suitable and up-to-date with his style. He let out a huge fart and giggled and was surprised that he didn't shit his panties or anything, since in the past few days, a fart that huge normally produced shit. He wished he could stop farting, but it just seemed impossible.
Naruto went back to his bathroom and went to the medicine cabin/mirror above the sink and opened it. He looked inside and found what he needed; Gas-X. He had over 500 packets of Gas-X and a few bottles of Beano. Naruto only sighed. He didn't know why he even bothered trying; he took countless amout of pills, but he still had worse gas than Rosie O'Donnell after eating at Chili's. Naruto only prayed that this would help him stop farting; he wanted to be more mature and in order to prove it, he had to put an end to this flatulence problem. He took about three then put the bottle in his purse and went downstairs to see if Sasuke was coming to pick him up yet in his beautiful Aston Martin coupe; it was black and had 20 inch rims with suicide doors. Naruto knew that he had to sit in the back seat because Sakura always called shotgun, but he knew as well that if he farted, they would probably die from the nauseous fumes emitting from his asshole. He knew that it secretly turned on Sasuke, but he just wanted to quit farting for his sanity.
Naruto looked out the window and did not see Sasuke outside; maybe he was just late. He would be infuriated if that dush betrayed him. But he was certain that his man had a reason for being late, so he pulled out his pink Blackberry and texted Sasuke, "Where the fuck are you, douche?" And within 27 seconds, the typical Asian beefcake replied by saying, "You were supposed to meet us at Sakura's house, you worthless fuck. How did you forget already? You smoke so much of that magical kush that I found for you that your memory is fried, which is probably logical." Although Naruto held back the tears from that insult, he still managed to respond by saying, "I'm on my way."
He put in his headphones and turned on and listened to Hilary Duff's, "So Many Manwhores" as he walked out the door. He turn around to lock the door's nutsack shaped knob when all of the sudden he felt a tremendous force strike his neck.
He fell down to the ground and he landed on his pink and lime green doormat which says, "Please Cum Inside". He loved that doormat so much; he got it custom made in Sri Lanka when he went to search for a special thong for Sasuke that they only sold there. He thought Sasuke would look sexy in it, the thought made Naruto's nipples huge. He shook the thought away, got on his knees, and looked up to see who had attacked him. They were familiar, pimpled covered, not to mention ugly as hell, faces that he knew.
"NARUTO UZUMAKI!" screamed a shrill female voice. Naruto automatically recognized that high-pitched voice; it was Temari. She hit him with her giant fan that she bought several years ago from a thrift shop at the edge of town. It looked like something she stole off the wall of the Red Sun Buffet in Honolulu or from Ellen DeGeneres' bedroom. Naruto, against his will, took a good look at her ugly shoes that looked like something Elton John would wear at Mardi Gras and raised his field of view to glance that her left arm was in a sling; he seriously had no idea how she was able to carry that 38 pound fan with just one hand. She also had an eye patch covering her left eye which looked like something Justin Bieber would wear if he were a pirate. Naruto wondered why she was wearing it; maybe she was pretending to be a pirate or some weird shit like that? When it came to that dush Temari, there was no telling what she was thinking because she was a twisted girl with a lust for young boys like Shikamaru. Shikamaru happened to be standing right by her, and he was carrying a short katana, putting it right next to Naruto's throat.
"You nasty farting mother fucker!" he shouted, wanting so badly to cut off the blonde queer's throat with his razor sharp blade that he stole from Hattori Hanzo. Shikamaru stole many things, the sword being his most recent possession; he had stolen many things from condoms, dog food, dildos, corn syrup, car tires, anything; he was like a pirate, and he was also known as a butt pirate for fucking many people in the rectum. He loved Temari's juicy, hairy asshole because it smelt like cinnamon flavored oatmeal; he only fucked her there since he hated vaginas and he didn't let her suck him since she's a doo-doo head; the bitch seriously needs Listerine. For this, many people questioned why he wasn't gay and for a response he told him that he had an extremely sensitive asshole and did not want anyone to touch it, especially with a penis. He also though Temari had some weird breasts; after all, they were coned shape and were about B size with nipples that looked like pencil erasers.
Shikamaru continued to hold the 32 inch blade against Naruto's throat and gave him an evil glance, kinda like what Lil Kim gives Will. when he's trying to steal away her Barbie doll with the dread locks that she bought at the Vietnamese black market back in 1992. "Look what you did to me and my lady!" he shouted so loudly that he broke one of Naruto's windows. "She's broken that beautiful arm that she uses to give me a hand job on a daily basis and now she is blind in her beautiful blue eye no thanks to you blasting us off into that airplane with your nasty as fuck fucking asshole! That airplane was heading towards Jackson, Michigan and now 39 people won't be able to see their family because of you." Shikamaru was about to pop a blood vessel and have an aneurysm just like Chiyo when she found at that she didn't have a date to attend the ballroom dance at her retirement home called Shady Pines.
"Don't be mad at me because you have an ugly-ass pony-tail! Or should I say... pony-fail!" screamed Naruto, chuckling softly but automatically stopped when he felt Shikamaru's dick press against his ass. He screamed, suddenly fearing for his life and possibly his asshole if Shikamaru decided to go gay on him. Only God knew what Shikamaru's penis looked like; it was probably malformed with herpes and warts and smelled like Chouji's asshole; the thought made Naruto's stomach turned. He jumped back into reality and replied: "Did they die without suffering?"
"No, they didn't die, dumb-ass," said Shikamaru, who was scratching his nuts in front of Naruto; they were probably shaped like sunflower seeds. "But just think how long it would take for them to get back home, no thanks to you!"
Temari came over and stood before Naruto, mean mugging him with their slanted Oriental eyes, but to no avail because Naruto knew that they were terrible at giving anyone the stink eye since they could never be gangsta.
Naruto wished he could fart so real loudly and send these weird-ass motherfuckers straight into the sky and hit a mountain so their faggot bodies would explode like those birds he shot in the asshole with his 10mm pistol. But he realized that he had taken Gas-X and couldn't fart! Man, how he wished he had it right now and shot them in the ashy feet!
"Hey, leave him alone, you freaks!" said a female voice.
Naruto turned his head to see who said it and saw that it was Hinata. Damn, she had the same ugly-ass eyes just like her hideous cousin Neji! Temari just scoffed at Hinata and said, "Oh, yeah? What's a little girl like you gonna do? Cry for your mommy? You like a little zombie cunt with eyes like that! Are you the centerfold for "Ripley's Believe or Not?" With that, the blonde shinobi let out a devious laugh at her own words, slapping her knees and falling to the ground, queefing in her purple g-string.
Hinata clenched her fists together, but doing so carefully not to chip her recently polished French tips that Chouji painted. She refused to cry and told herself that she would be a big girl, and with that, she pulled out her Pokeball and summoned Vileplume, who looked like a huge Rafflesia flower and a smurf combined.
"Use Stun Spore on those creeps, Vileplume!" shouted Hinata, blushing as she looked over Naruto.
Naruto only wondered what she would do if she found out he were gay; she would probably cry and listen to the Pointer Sisters on her record player. The Pokémon released a glittery gold powder from its smelly head and Temari and Shikamaru were completely immobilized, unable to see Naruto pull down his pants and moon them. Hinata squealed in excitement as she saw Naruto's round ass, wanting to go over there and spank it with the spatula she randomly stole from Spongebob.
"Now you Solarbeam!" she demanded politely, waving at Naruto who almost wanted to vomit. The Pokémon gathered energy from the sun and released a gigantic beam of light from its head, sending them both into outer space, hitting the UARS, landing into the Pacific Ocean but hitting nothing. (Yes, they are the reason why it fell into the ocean.)
Naruto was amazed how well of a Pokémon trainer Hinata had become; he bet that she would be able to beat Naruto in a jump rope competition one day! "Wow. You... you saved me!" said Naruto, getting up off the ground and wiping the dirt off his orange jump suit. "I owe you one!"
"I know just how you can repay the favor, Naruto," said Hinata, batting her eyelashes seductively at the blonde homosexual. She reached into her purse and pulled at her fuchsia colored lipstick and lip gloss and smothered her lips with both, trying to look real skanky. "Kiss me, boy, then fuck me raw!"
Naruto's mouth formed a perfect 'o' as he felt the sudden urge vomit and have diarrhea at the sight in front of him. He reached into his purse and pulled out his magic wand and swung it around over his head like he was about to throw a lasso on Sasuke's cone-shaped ass.
"Abrakokoapuffdush!" he chanted loudly in tounges, emitting a light from the tip of his magic wand, causing Hinata to teleport to who knows where. For he cared, she could be in Hugh Hefner's bed, about to be fucked by his ancient dick.
"That's much better," he laughed, and went over to Sakura's house to meet up with Sasuke and the pink-haired prostitute.
Naruto pulled out his pink iPod that he kept in his Wal-Mart purse and decided to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You", pretending that Sasuke was singing to him with his husky, manly voice. Naruto only hoped that when he went to Sakura's house that he would not encounter her dad again, even though he would love to laugh at his pink moustache. Seriously, anybody has the right to laugh at it because it looked so fucking ridiculous. He could care less about her dad; the only thing Naruto wish he could do was shit in their house again as a message to upper class suburban people to think more about others and not themselves.
As Naruto approached the pinkette's 4,500 square foot house, he began to think about the juicy and succulent Italian food he would order at the Olive Garden. He probably would be a cheap-ass motherfucker and get something stupid like spaghetti, but he had to show a little more style. Maybe ravioli? He would love to eat macaroni and cheese outta Sasuke's belly button and eat chicken noodle soup outta his asshole. He knew Sasuke had a huge bellybutthole; it was so huge he could stuff a can of Pepsi in it, the very thought of which made Naruto's asshole moist.
When Naruto finally reached Sakura's house after about 30 minutes after leaving his house after the weird shit that's been going on, he saw that there was a large parked truck by the curb of the Haruno's house. Sasuke was standing outside of Sakura's garage, smoking a blunt and twirling his emo hair while Sakura was drinking a 40 oz bottle of Sambuca and Sunny Delight. Naruto did not see Sasuke's Aston Martin; where the fuck was that beautiful car that he would love to shove his dick up Sasuke's juicy puckered asshole?
"Who the fuck are those people in the truck?" Naruto demanded with fury as he saw three men wearing Hazmat suits exit the truck and carrying a huge hose over their shoulders.
"Those are the fumigators, Naruto, here to clean up and fumigate the house after where you shit!" screamed Sakura.
"I'm sorry about that, honestly," confessed Naruto apologetically, hoping that his pinkette friend would come to terms with the blonde Asian.
"I... I guess forgive you, Naruto," said Sakura who showed a small smile on her face.
"How long did it take for you to wash your hair, Sakura? I heard you crying, running upstairs about your hair being ruined."
"It only took about 25 minutes, you dush!" she hollered, immediately turning bi-polar on him. Sakura had a habit of wild emotion swings, so this didn't really surprise Naruto at all.
"And your flat screen TV?" Naruto asked curiously. "That was about the hugest flat screen I've ever seen. How big is it?"
"We have insurance for it, so there's nothing to worry about," said Sakura sweetly. "And it's 79 inches, by the way. We got it at Best Buy for 3,400 dollars."
"Damn! How on earth did you manage to get the fumigators here without saying that a queer Asian blonde took a huge shit in your living room?" asked Naruto puzzled.
"We told them that our septic tank overflew in our basement and that it flew into the living," answered Sakura. "Damn, I'm sure hungry!" And with that she slowly rubbed her stomach, as it growled loudly. She giggled slightly. "I'm gonna go to my room and get dressed, so can you two wait a moment, please?" She darted to who room immediately after saying that.
Naruto and his man Sasuke were finally alone together. He looked at that beef cake with the acne ridded forehead and almost a unibrow, but those were the only few flaws that Sasuke had, but then again, they somewhat turned Naruto on.
"Hey, Sasuke, what's going on?" asked Naruto, trying to do his best from blurting out "I love you!" right in front of the raven haired color shinobi emo.
"Heh, nothing much," replied Sasuke looking down at his Converse shoes. "I can't believe you shit all over Sakura's living room! I mean, I know you would do something like that, but seriously, that was a little overboard."
"I had no idea I had to shit that badly!" pointed out Naruto, feeling kinda embarrassed for what he did, but nonetheless, he was very satisfied with what he did because he absolutely hated rich suburban folks who always flaunt about how much more they have.
"I'm surprised you aren't even farting at all," said Sasuke, surprised, yet relieved that he wasn't suffocating on the intoxicating odors of Naruto's ass.
The blonde looked all over his surroundings but no one in sight did he see the beautiful black Aston Martin DB9. "Hey, I thought we were going in your car, dush," said Naruto angrily at Sasuke who had just finished smoking his 3 foot long blunt and shoved it up his ass. Raven haired emo sighed in pleasure as he did this.
"Naruto, you know that you can't fit in the back seat of my Aston Martin!" shouted Sasuke. "We are going in Sakura's car, you know, the one her dad bought her recently? The hot pink Bentley Continental Flying Spur with the 28 inch spinners with the fuzzy pink interior and the horn that sounds like a kitty cat meow? Her dad spent over $250,000 on it, in cash!"
"Um...," hesitated Naruto, scratching his pimply cleft chin, "nope, doesn't ring a bell."
"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!" announced Sasuke, folding his arms in his chest. "You would immediately recognize it if you saw it!"
All of the sudden, the two boys heard footsteps approach and they say that it was Sakura; she had on a Oscar de la Renta dress that she got for about $4,000 dollars and her designer Dolce and Gabana shoes for about $,400 dollars, not to mention a pair of bamboo earrings and her favorite pink Fendi bag!
"Sasuke," said Sakura, "stop arguing and just get in the damn car. You, too, Naruto, and sit in the back seat!" They all three got into the gorgeous Bentley and Sakura put the key attached to an obscene keychain into the ignition, making the engine turn over. It sounded like a cat purring! She took out the Will Smith CD that Naruto had just given her the other day and started playing some music. Naruto just wanted to know where the Haruno's got all their money, but he wasn't gonna ask that to the pinkette. Naruto opened the door and saw the luxuriously soft leather seats and sat down on them, listening as the leather started to laugh like Vanna White when Pat Sajack spins her wheel of fortune cookies. Naruto all the sudden felt an irresistible idea fill his head; what if - no! He couldn't. He thought what if he took a huge shit in the back seat of that luxurious Bentley? Naruto's message towards uppity rich bitches would be fulfilled! He strained really hard, trying to shit, but then he realized that he had taken Gas-X. Damn it all!
The blonde saw that built on the back of head rest of the front seat there was a 12 inch TV with a Blue-Ray player in it. He deviously chuckled and turned on the TV and saw a fat man that couldn't stop smiling that was diddling his tight puckered, brown asshole vigorously and grunting in pleasure. Naruto was scared when he saw this and pushed the eject button and saw that there was a label on it that said "Reginaldo Lillonepolsta (my former bf) sex tape." The blonde queer immediately broke out in a frenzy of laughter as he saw the ridiculous name that was on the blank DVD. Who the fuck was this guy with a name that sounded like something he found on the curve of Backyard Burger?
Naruto watched as the hot pink Bentley rolled up to the Olive Garden restaurant. He was so excited about what was to come!
As Sakura pulled into a parking space, a huge, black hummer that came out of nowhere pulled in front of her, making the two cars collide with each other. Sakura just sat there, mouth gaping like a fish out of water. The person who owned the hummer opened the door; it was a skinny man with gray, spikey hair - it was Kakashi!
"Oh shit." Naruto murmured from the back-seat.
"You little motherfuckers!" Kakashi bellowed. "You're so gonna pay for this!"
"W-What? It was an accident, sir!" Sakura whimpered, on the verge of crying.
"I don't give a fuck. All three of you carless teenagers are going to attend my Algebra class!" Kakashi spat, giving them the middle finger.
Sasuke scoffed, "Sakura didn't see your ugly-ass hummer. It isn't her fault."
"Yes, it is! I was trying to enjoy a decent dinner at the Olive Garden. But, you three little silly-billy little bastards had to fuck my evening up! Me and my date were about to -"
"Hold up!" Naruto screamed, interuppting Kakashi. "You actually have a date?"
Kakashi scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "What? O-Of course I do, Naruto!"
As if on cue, the passenger door opened to reveal an old lady with short, gray hair. She was wearing a pink night-gown and had more wrinkles than Sasuke's asshole. She looked at the three teens with annoyance evident in her eyes before turning to face Kakashi.
"Who the fuck are these motherfuckers?" the old woman bellowed.
"No one, Sophia," Kakashi signed. "Just go get us a table and I'll -"
"Oh, hell no! This just isn't gonna work out, Kakashi..." Sophia trailed off, slowly walking off.
"Baby, come back. You can blame it all on me..." Kakashi lightly sung to himself as he watched the gray-haired beauty walk off into the distance.
All of the teenagers blinked in confusion.
"Anyway, fuck that old bitch! You guys are going to attend my Algebra class... right now." Kakashi said, smirking behind his mask.
Naruto groaned. When was he ever going to taste the delicious Italian food?
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AN: Hope you enjoyed!