Warnings- character death grieving, depression
"I'm sorry…" Your mom sobbed into the phone. "I've been trying to stay strong but… he's gone."
You felt your heart drop to the floor. Your grandfather had been sick for a while, but you didn't think he would pass away so soon. It didn't really hurt that much, but then again it felt like you were walking through a dream.
You and your grandfather had never been that close – he was a very secluded person, but when he did come out to the living room during parties you could tell he loved all of his family unconditionally. He had been sick for years, and his health had declined rapidly in the last few months. You managed to spend some time with him before, but it wasn't enough. You said goodbye to your mom and hung up the phone, feeling numb.
You put your phone down and sat on your bed, staring blankly at the wall. You didn't seem to have any tears to shed. The clock chimed four, which meant Sans was done work for the day. He used his teleportation powers at the end of each day to save time and therefore have more time to nap when he got home.
Grabbing your phone and your jacket. You locked the front door behind you and got in your car. It was the beginning of winter, so it was starting to get cold enough to need to warm up the engine before driving, but you didn't bother waiting before pulling out of the driveway. Sans and Papyrus lived about five minutes away, just on the other side of town. While the drive itself wasn't too bad, you couldn't imagine walking the distance.
You pulled into their driveway and saw Papyrus' red convertible wasn't there. You knew he spent a lot of time volunteering at the school, so you pulled into your regular spot and let yourself into their house.
"Sans?" You called out, closing the door and taking your shoes off before stepping onto the carpet. He poked his head out from the kitchen and waved you over.
"Sup?" He asked, piling leftovers onto a plate and sticking it into the microwave.
"I… My grandpa passed away." You said quietly. His grin dropped and he came over to you.
"Ah shit kid I'm sorry." It was obvious Sans was out of his comfort zone, but he pulled you into a hug which you eagerly reciprocated. As you hugged him, your phone buzzed. It was your mom, telling you that the wake would be tomorrow and the funeral the next morning.
"They're having a wake tomorrow… my mom is staying out with my Grandma for tonight and maybe the next." You said quietly.
"What's a wake?" Sans asked. You remembered that when a monster dies it's much different than a human.
"They have the deceased person in the casket and their friends and family came come and say their final farewells. It's going to be three hours long, with some kind of sermon at the end." You explained.
"Do you want me to come with you?" He offered, giving you his awkward-but-good-intentioned smile. Your immediate response was to say thanks but he didn't have too, but your heart constricted painfully. You tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie like a scared child.
"Please… I don't think I could do this alone." You mumbled. He hesitated for half a second before pulling you back into a hug.
"Here, you can stay here for tonight. I doubt you'd want to be all alone right now. We can watch a movie and snuggle like good old times." He snickered and you felt yourself blush. You were young when you fell into the Underground, and you had less inhibition when it came to affection from the others.
"Sans…" You tried to be embarrassed and brush off his offer, but you really needed affection that night.
"Is this alright?" You asked your mom as you came out of the bathroom. You had a lot of black clothing, but not a lot of formal black clothing.
"It looks great," She said, in a slight hurry. She had been rushing around all morning. Sans had come to pick you up, dressed in black jeans and a black button down shirt. You were shocked for a moment, then he admitted to doing a little research on funerals and such. You felt your chest warm at how much he was trying to support you. You were wearing a black dress with black tights and shoes. It was a little casual compared to what Sans and your mom were wearing, but it would work for the wake. You went into the living room, the one place you could go to stay out of the way.
"Okay everyone, let's head over to the funeral home." Your mom said, gathering the family together. We split into separate cars, you and Sans going together in your car while your Grandmother went with your mom. The drive to the funeral home was silent, the next three hours weighing heavily on your chest.
You were the first party of cars there. The immediate family got there half an hour early, which included aunts, uncles and cousins. You filed into the funeral home and had your jackets taken as you filtered into the parlor out front of the viewing room. You watched as your mom and uncles walked your grandmother up to the casket. You buried your face in Sans' chest as your grandmother howled in pain at the sight of her husband, cold and still in the casket.
"It's okay dear," Sans said into your ear. You hadn't realized how badly your hands had been shaking until his own wrapped around them. "You're going to be okay. You got me, and the rest of your family. And if you need a breather we can take a walk for a bit. Stay determined, alright?"
"I don't think I can do this Sans." You whispered, fighting the stinging behind your eyes. He gave your hands a squeeze.
"I know you can. Come on, your mom is looking for you." He lifted his chin to point at your mom, who was coming back into the parlor with a tissue in her hand.
It was exhausting, listening to people you knew and people you had never seen before saying sorry and giving you hugs. You were introduced to so many people that you forgot all of their names almost instantly. After an hour and a half, you managed to slip away and sit down in a separate parlor in another room. Sans was by your side in an instant.
"It's a lot different than I expected." He said, popping a complimentary mint into his mouth.
"I've never really been to a wake either," You admitted, sinking into the pillows that felt like they had never been touched before. "It's awful, seeing him there. He looks so… waxy and still. It's almost like a statue or something. And hearing the crying… I can't handle the crying anymore…" You felt your own tears drip down your face. Sans tugged you into his chest and let you cry into his shirt. It hurt to finally let all the emotions out, but at the same time it felt good.
You had been trying to stay strong all day, for your mom and your family, but here, sitting with Sans you finally let your emotions out. You sobbed into his chest, not caring if your makeup ran. He didn't say anything, he just rubbed your back and whispered comforting nonsense to you. Eventually, your sobs calmed down and you pulled away, wiping your face and hiccupping lightly.
"Oh there you are," One of your cousins came into the lounge. "They're doing the sermon." Sans and I stood and followed her out, but not before snagging one of the many boxes of tissues that were scattered around the various rooms.
Your grandfather had served in the military, so they had other veterans come in and recite speeches and poems in his memory. They ended the ceremony with one of the vets playing TAPS on a bugle. The tears started anew, but this time you managed to stay quiet. No one turned around to see, which you were grateful for. Sans took your hand again, and you lifted his bony fingers to your mouth – a gesture of thanks and of reverence. If it weren't for him, you don't know how you would have dealt with the evening.
The rest of the wake passed quickly after that. Blurred faces of people came and went, and by the end of the night you had a pounding headache and the urge to go to a bar. Sans – who hadn't left your side the whole time – offered you a small water bottle that was on a small side table for us to take. You took it with a weak smile and tried to chase the saw dust feeling in the back of your throat.
"Alright everyone. Go and get some rest. The funeral is at nine tomorrow morning, and it's going to be chilly so dress warm." Your mom addressed the crowd of remaining family members. You filed out of the funeral home and got in your respective cars. You went back to your grandmother's house to drop off your car. Your mom gave you a long hug before letting you and Sans teleport back to his house. You didn't mind spending another night there, seeing as you've spend weeks at his place over summer breaks.
"How're you feeling babe?" He asked, making you a cup of tea and handing you a warm blanket. You had changed into an oversized shirt he let you borrow and the shorts you had been wearing under the dress.
"Tired. My head hurts and I want to go to sleep." You answered honestly, taking the mug and smiling gratefully at him. He sat down next to you and flipped the blanket on his lap.
"I bet. You were so strong at the wake. I saw how often you started to lose it, but you managed to pull yourself together. It was inspiring."
"Sans… I'm never going to be able to talk to him again…" You whispered, putting the mug on the coffee table. "We never really talked that much because he was always a quite person, but now… now I'll never have an actual conversation with him again. He'll never make hamburgers at our summer picnics and never scold us for putting cups on the table without coasters and…" You couldn't hold it in anymore. You started sobbing even more painfully than at the funeral home.
Sans didn't say anything, just let you cry into his shoulder again. You let the sobs rip through you as you howled painfully, letting all your pent up emotions come bursting out. You cried for over an hour, and slipped into a deep sleep before you could move from the couch. Sans just huffed with a smile and wrapped the blanket around your shoulder tighter.
"It'll be alright kiddo. You're strong. I know you are." He said, knowing full well that you couldn't hear him.
We started at the funeral home again in the morning. We had to collect the memorabilia that was brought in for the wake and let Grandma say her final farewell before the casket was closed for the last time. We drove to the church, everyone bleary eyed and quiet. The mass was a short one, only a dozen people in the large church. You wondered briefly if when you died if more people would come to your funeral. You only broke down once at the mass, and Sans was there to hand you a tissue.
You and Sans went with your mom and Grandma in the same car to avoid getting separated on the way to the cemetery. Two currently serving soldiers met you there, another part of the respects being paid for the service he had done the country.
The burial was cold and windy, but Sans' hand was warm and sturdy. He held your hand and then your shoulder as you buried your face into his comforting warmth. The solders took the flag from off the coffin and wrapped it tight before handing it to your grandma, who burst into tears again. You lost it at that point as well – you couldn't handle the sight of your grandma crying so painfully. Sans' hand tightened around you and you felt the weight in your chest lighten a little.
"Are you two going home now?" You mom asked. They had a reception planned, but you felt like you were about to collapse.
"I think I should take her home," Sans interjected politely. "I can drive her car back so there isn't an accident." Your mom smiled at Sans – she was always grateful that he was there for you – and gave you another tight hug.
"Stay safe. Call me when you get home. I should be back sometime tomorrow." She said, holding on for a few more moments before letting go and smiling at you.
"That was exhausting." You said when you got back. You felt like there was a hole punched in your chest and there was a section of you missing. It was surreal, despite having spent hours with the casket – seeing him lying there.
"You did amazing though." Sans said, ruffling your hair playfully. You smiled at him, albeit a little too tired to be completely genuine.
"Thanks for coming with me. I doubt it was easy to deal with a bunch of sobbing humans."
"I would do anything to help you out kiddo. You're my hero," He grinned at you, his grin dropping a little when your eyes filled with tears again. "Hey now, no need to cry about that. Ol' Sansy is here to make sure you stay safe." He wrapped you up in a hug and you let the silent tears run down your cheeks again.
"I'm sorry for crying so much." You muttered into his shirt. He chuckled deeply but didn't pull away.
"There's nothing to apologize for. You lost someone you loved, and that's a traumatic experience. You were so strong and I'm so proud of you." He responded, trying to drive home that it really was okay to cry.
"Thank you so much Sans…" You said again.
"Come on, let's go to bed," He said picking you up and carrying to his room. He placed you on his bed and climbed in next to you, wrapping the blanket around you and letting you bury your face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and fell into an exhausted sleep.
Sorry for the delay. As you can tell from this chapter, we had a lot to do these past two weeks. I made a short update on Tumblr, and I'm constantly posting inspirational things on there so if you ever need a pick-me-up check out loveyourselfstory . tumblr .com.
I hope to write some more over the winter break. I've been getting a lot of requests, and I've been trying to write them all down but apologize if I don't get to your request. And for everyone who's been messaging me, I'm sorry for not responding. I've been really busy with funeral plans and Christmas plans. I hope to start responding more regularly soon.
Thank you everyone for being so supportive. As I said in the tumblr post, I don't know if I would even be here right now without your love and support. Thank you so much.
Until next time!
Starlight