Originally, I told you in my A/N last chapter that not this chapter but the next one would be super exciting. But the thing is, after iCarly ending, which is really quite sad, and the disappointing lack of closure when it comes to Seddie, which is also quite sad, I figured that maybe I should just skip the filler chapter and get right to this one...
Before we go on, I have several questions to answer that were in the comments.
1. As of the last chapter, all Carly knows about Sam and Freddie is that they're fairly good friends by this point. She doesn't know Sam is in love with Freddie or that they shared their first kisses.
2. The pan caught on fire b/c Freddie is not a chef in the least and forgot to turn off the oven. Looks like his mom didn't teach him a rhyme for that one!
3. Sam does know what his apartment will look like in the sense that she assumes it'll be structured similarly to Carly's, but she didn't know that for certain, and she also didn't know how it'd be decorated or which room would be his.
4. The reason Sam wasn't as focused on giving up on Freddie and ignoring her feelings in the last chapter was indeed because she was just feeling less strongly about that whole plan (seeing as her feelings weren't going away despite her best efforts).
5. I apologize for any grammar errors, but I wrote the last chapter when I woke up at 2 am b/c I couldn't sleep and just posted it early in the morning. :P
A huge thank you to everyone who is still reading My List of Firsts, and another huge thank you to those of you who review! I can't even begin to describe how much my readers mean to me and how much your comments urge me to keep writing. xD
Oh and remember that if they aren't mentioned or referenced, not all iCarly episodes happened (like iTTK and such).
Without further ado, Chapter 23... I have a feeling you'll like this one. ;)
Chapter 23: My First Camping Trip
Things seemed to have returned to normal. Nearly two weeks had passed since I decided I was no longer giving up on Freddie. He'd bought a new frying pan to make up for his forgetting to turn off the stove, Carly and Spencer had returned since their granddad was healthy again, Mrs. Benson had returned and probably done a detailed cleaning of her apartment when she saw a piece of dust, and my mom had let me back into my house. So, life was pretty good.
And now, I had formed a new outlook on this whole being in love with Freddie thing. Originally, I'd been disgusted and then accepted it but realized it was hopeless because, let's face it, he could never be in love with me, and ultimately just given up on letting myself have those feelings. But this time, things were different. Maybe he would never love me, but Sam Puckett was not a quitter, and I was in love with him, and even if I was the only one who knew it, I was in love with Freddie, and I was going to somehow make something of this. It would help if I wasn't so lazy, but Momma's gotta eat, and there isn't always time for plan-making. Plus, if I'd learned one thing from all of this, other than the fact that being a teenager is exhausting and hormones are possibly more annoying than finding the Shays have no meat in their fridge, it was that you couldn't force feelings. I never wanted to be in love with the king of the nubs, but I was stuck that way, and I wasn't going to become one of those pathetic teenage girls who does nothing but whine and cry over a guy. I'll always have meat to keep me company, anyway.
Shuffling around my house, I made a weak attempt to brush my hair after getting dressed and then went downstairs, heading into the kitchen and fumbling out of remaining sleepiness until I had a bowl of cereal in front of me and my butt on a chair. The cereal was nothing special, and the day wasn't, either, but I didn't mind.
Just as I was setting the quickly emptied bowl, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and dug through it. Flicking it open, I saw a text from Carly.
Come over if you're free. Making pizza.
It didn't take me more than a millisecond after reading it to get to responding. On my way. Pizza and Carly was a combination I didn't think I could ever pass up.
Throwing open the door, I looked around Carly's apartment to see Carly standing in the kitchen with her hands likely busy at work with all sorts of delicious pizza-making activities.
And Freddie. He was there too.
I don't know why I was surprised, honestly. He was nearly always around, especially seeing as it was his apartment building, too, and it's not like I needed to be warned in advance that he was going to be somewhere. I guess I just hadn't been expecting it.
"Hello people of Seattle," I greeted, skipping toward the kitchen with excitement because of the fact that I was going to eat a pizza soon. Carly and Freddie moved apart quickly and looked up, as if trying to make it seem like they hadn't been talking when I walked in. I eyed them suspiciously but then spotted the pizza that was almost ready to go in the oven and was quite distracted. "Momma likes what she sees," I nodded in approval, my eyebrows wiggling slightly.
Carly chuckled and sprinkled a bit more cheese around the thing before picking it up and moving it away from me. "Well 'Momma's' going to have to wait a bit longer because it still has to bake."
I looked over at her with a huge pout that was mostly real, but she just shook her head and went over to the oven, sliding the pizza in. Ovens really should work faster.
"So Sam," Carly started.
I looked up, "mmph?" There was a rather large bite of pizza in my mouth.
She shook her head with a smile, "I was just wondering if you wanted today to end."
I raised an eyebrow and swallowed, "why would I want today to end? I'm sitting here eating pizza with my best friend and… him." I nodded my head in Freddie's direction, a lot happier to be sitting with him than I was going to let on, but it wasn't as if he didn't still annoy me sometimes, anyway.
He let out a snort, but Carly was on too much of a path with her little speech to pay much attention to my insults.
"Yes, but tomorrow is a special day. At least it is for one of us."
"What, are you running for President?"
"No, and this year isn't even a Presidential election year!" Carly was so amusing when she was adamant about things. If you didn't go along with her point right from the start, she often didn't know what to do, and I never kept it up for long because I didn't want to annoy her, though she was funny.
"Okay, so what makes it so special, then?" I grinned.
"Sam!" Carly slapped me teasingly. "Tomorrow's special for you!"
I pretended to pause and think about it and then lit up like I'd just figured it out. "Oh, you mean because it's my birthday?"
"Yes!" she nearly cried out, pushing her hair out of her face.
I laughed and then just shrugged. "It's not like I'm turning any landmark age or anything. Just 17."
"But it's still your birthday," she was clearly excited about this.
If it weren't for Carly, I probably wouldn't celebrate my birthday, other than buying some extra meat or something. My mom would say something nice if she was around and remembered, but that didn't always happen, and Melanie would generally call, but she was busy with her boarding school friends.
So, as much as I prodded her and acted like it was no big deal, it actually meant a lot to me that she even remembered, and even more so that she cared. But now wasn't the time to get mushy.
Smiling, I took another bite of pizza. "Why are you bringing this up? Are you going to give me ribs?"
Carly had a mysterious look to her, "you'll have to wait and see."
"But I want ribs!" I was still chewing as I talked.
"Just be patient."
"When have I ever been patient?"
"Touche."
"I thought you were Carly Shay."
"What are you talking about?"
I swallowed my large bite. "Your name's Carly Shay, not Two Shay."
"Touche means-"
I laughed and cut her off, "I actually knew that one already, I was just teasing you."
"That seems to be all you're going tonight." She seemed to pout a bit, but I could see the smile cracking on her face.
Hearing something, both of us turned around to see Freddie still sitting there, clearing his throat since he had been left out of the conversation for a while, now.
Carly, ever the great friend, was the one who tried to bridge the gap. "What are you doing tomorrow, Freddie?"
I groaned before he could answer, "I don't want a party. All of us know how well that went last time."
She nodded, "I figured as much, but that doesn't mean we can't do something. After all, it will be your birthday."
As I shrugged, Freddie finally answered the question. "Not much, I don't think. My mom's going to one of her cleaning conferences-'
"Another one?" I rolled my eyes. "That is ridiculous. Does the woman do anything else?"
"Sam," Carly chastised me, though Freddie cut in.
"It's okay, I've gotten used to the mother insults over the years, and, honestly, that is how she spends most of her time, so for once I don't really have a reason to disagree with Sam."
"Well alert the presses this is such a monumental event," I shook my hands in the air, half a piece of pizza crust still in one, which I quickly took care of.
Freddie rolled his eyes, though I swear I could see a hint of a smile on his face.
When I woke up in the morning, I didn't even realize what day it was. Throwing off the covers, I pushed myself out of bed and stepped in the shower since I figured hygiene was a good thing, and I didn't want to smell like steak if I was eating bacon. After putting on some random clothes, I looked at my phone and saw a text from Carly, telling me to pack for an overnight. This confused me a little because most of our overnights were impromptu, but I wasn't complaining, and so after eating breakfast – skipping meals is never an option – I grabbed a duffle bag and shoved in an outfit, some pajamas, and even remembered a hairbrush.
Just after knocking on the door, it was pried open and I was greeted by my smiling best friend, who promptly attacked me with a hug. "Happy birthday Sam!"
That's when I remembered what day it was. My birthday. I was 17 years old. That was hardly believable, and I remembered being in here seven years ago when we'd first become friends.
"Thanks, Carls," I grinned as she finally let me go.
Before I could say anything else she was dragging me into her apartment, closing the door behind her, the excitement clear in her face.
"We have a surprise for you," she grinned. We? As in Spencer and Carly, or as in Spencer and-
My thought was cut off as Freddie walked in from the kitchen. Carly and Freddie have a surprise for me? She wouldn't let him do anything mean, but I don't see what they possibly could have come up with together. Should I be worried? Eh, if he does something mean I can just twist his arm in the wrong direction. Not that I actually want to hurt him but- Sam! Stop going soft!
"Do you now?" I raised my eyebrows, actually quite excited because Momma liked getting things, and it was my birthday, after all.
She nodded happily, "yes we do! I remembered several months back Spencer was talking about going on that camping trip with Socko and his cousin Fisher, and you said you'd never been camping, and so I thought we should go. I know I'm not exactly the outdoorsy type, but we don't need to go super far out into the woods or anything, and I have so many supplies that it won't be some totally crazy experience." There was a pause. "Do you hate it? Please say you don't hate it."
Carly had this huge need to please people, and it was actually pretty funny, because she was already the nicest person I knew, and was always there for me, so it's not like she ever really made me mad, other than a small disagreement here and there. "No," I chuckled. "I don't hate it at all. It sounds really exciting, I just can't believe you of all people are suggesting we go camping."
"I can handle nature. And I won't even wear a skirt," she crossed her arms seriously, though smiled at the same time.
Getting excited, I stepped forward and hugged her tightly again. "Thank you for this." I also appreciated that she didn't ask me if my mom would approve or not. We both knew she didn't care, and Carly was kind enough not to remind me.
As I drew away, I turned toward Freddie. "But I remember running around with Carly outside when we were little, while, you, on the other hand, I don't think I've ever seen voluntarily do something dirty. What gives?"
He shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. "It's your birthday and we are friends- friendly, so I figured instead of letting you and Carly explore the joys of the forest on your own, I'd go and help out and, you know, wish you a happy birthday."
I glanced at him skeptically but nodded since I was too excited about the fact that we were going camping to really care why his excuse was so lame. "Whatever, Benson. Just hope there are no bears around for me to feed you to."
"That wouldn't be pleasant."
"So stay on my good side."
"Which one's that, the left?"
"Shut up," I rolled my eyes, though was still smiling as I turned back to Carly. "So, when do we get to leave?"
"Right now if you want. You came over with a all of your stuff," she gestured to the bag I hadn't put down yet. "And Freddie brought his over, so I just have to grab mine from the stairwell and we'll be all set to go."
I don't know why I trusted Freddie to drive us, but he actually did okay, even if he was more boring than a grandmother and went about one mile under the speed limit. Actually, exactly one mile under the speed limit since his mother had apparently made up some rhyme to force him to do so.
"We're here!" he announced, and I looked out of the window, swinging open the car door as he turned off the car.
"Finally. We were in there so long I thought I was going to starve to death."
"You ate a sandwich on the ride," Carly pointed out.
"Yeah, so?"
"Never mind," she smiled and shook her head as Freddie opened the trunk.
All of us walked over and I groaned. I didn't want to put in actual effort in order to get our things over to where we'd be staying. As if she could read my mind, Carly turned to me, "hey Sam, since it's your birthday, why don't you go find the spot where you'd like to camp and then just lead us there once you've found it?"
"I like this plan," I grinned and then headed off into the wooded area.
After walking for a while, going deeper into the forest, I found an spot that wasn't too far from where the car was parked and had enough room for our tents. Mentally making a note of approval, I retraced my steps and smiled as I found Carly and Freddie all loaded up and ready to go. Freddie was carrying the majority of the stuff, though Carly still had a couple of small things.
"I found the perfect place. Now c'mon."
"Oh, I like this, Sam, you did a good job," Carly said, though I wasn't sure if she liked it as much as she was implying because of the spot or because she could finally stopped carrying things, even if her load wasn't that heavy.
"Thanks," I watched as Freddie put down everything.
"Want to help me with the tents?"
"Not really," I said without hesitation, and Carly glanced at him unsurely, though he didn't ask again and just got to work.
Eventually, our campground was set up. We had one tent – one for Carly and me and another for Freddie – and a whole bunch of supplies, mostly food, since Carly knew me well and had packed accordingly.
It was starting to get later since we'd stopped for lunch and then again to get the sandwich I'd eaten in the car, but it still wasn't dark so we had some time before we had to think about lighting a fire or whatever you did while camping.
"Why don't we have dinner?" Carly suggested.
"I don't think I've ever heard such a beautiful question," I got up from where I'd been sitting and walked over to the cooler we'd managed to pack, rummaging through and pulling everything out since I couldn't decide what I wanted. I ended up picking two sandwiches, a bag of chips, a bottle of juice, and a can of tuna, which I wasn't positive would be enough, but I had to leave something for Carly and Freddie.
We settled in, leaning against several logs that we'd placed in an open space for this very reason and started to eat. The time passed fairly fast, not that I was surprised since I was a fast eater. Carly – being the smart girl and great friend she is – packed enough food so that I could grab seconds out of the cooler.
"So, I know it's your birthday," Carly started. I looked up curiously, taking another bite of my third sandwich. "But we couldn't bring a cake, since they're not exactly the most portable. But," she repeated, turning to dig through her backpack and leaving me in unnecessary suspense, which was only worse since I was fairly certain it was food.
"We did manage to pack marshmallows."
My face lit up and I grinned, "I approve of this arrangement."
"And, since we're super outdoorsy and used to the wilderness, we can make a fire and toast them," Freddie held up a lighter and I found myself smiling at how he was poking fun of how we were not being super adventurous, but caught myself and directed my attention back at the marshmallows.
"Did you make that lighter at engineering camp?" I teased him, looking up.
"Young craftsman camp, actually," he stuck his tongue out at me.
"Oooh, fancy," I waved my hands in the air and raised my eyebrows like I couldn't care less even though a part of my stupidly found his nerdiness somewhat cute. Not that he would ever know that. I'd rather attend young craftsman camp then tell him such a thing.
Before we could bicker any more, Carly distracted us by passing around the bag of marshmallows and sticks she'd collected earlier. I reached in and grabbed a handful of the squishy snack, pushing one onto the edge of a stick and placing it above the fire Freddie'd just started.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Carly looked around anxiously and I pulled my marshmallow back quickly out of confusion. "We didn't sing yet."
I didn't understand what she meant for a moment, but then, remembering what day it was, I smiled. Carly was the only one who ever sang happy birthday to me, though occasionally she'd be joined by Spencer. Melanie and I used to sing together when we were younger, but once we'd reached kindergarten, that kind of stopped. We'd still had our call while I was in the car ride, though it's not like we were suddenly best friends after that or anything, but, admittedly, it did make me a little happier to talk to her.
Carly and Freddie started singing and I smiled, not thinking about how I shouldn't be smiling at Freddie, but instead about how happy I was to have, not one, but two great friends. I probably shouldn't have been getting so mushy but hey, it was my birthday, so I figure I was excused.
Still smiling when they finished, I stuck my marshmallow back over the fire, with Carly and Freddie quickly doing the same. While I chewed on my first one, I looked over to Carly, "thanks for this." Thanking people was easier than apologizing. "It's delicious and fun."
She grinned at me, taking another bite of her own marshmallow. "I'm really happy to hear that, I'd hoped you would like it. I know it's kind of random but I thought it couldn't be a completely horrible idea."
"Don't worry, it's not. It's the best birthday celebration I've ever had. Not that I've ever had many good ones other than sitting in your kitchen and eating ice cream, but still." So apparently I hadn't stopped being mushy yet.
"Awww, Sam," she got up and clambered over, pulling me into a hug.
I returned the hug before separating after a minute, "no reason to get too sentimental." I shot her a look but smiled.
"I say we do something," she suggested, sticking another marshmallow.
"Like what?"
"Ummm… I don't know. Twenty questions?"
"That takes effort."
"Okay, um, we could tell scary stories."
"Do you even know any scary stories?" I glanced at her skeptically.
"No…"
"Well then we can't do that," I laughed, eating my second marshmallow.
"I'm horrible at coming up with these kind of ideas!" She threw her hands in the air, nearly flinging her stick over her shoulder in going so, but managing to stop herself.
"That's better than having every second of every day planned out," Freddie chimed in.
I looked over at him in surprise, "since when were you so wise?"
"Since 1994," he smirked, and I just rolled my eyes.
"Well if you're such a genius, then what do you think we should do, other than eat these deliciously gooey and perfect marshmallows?" I plopped another one into my mouth.
"Uh," he was clearly trying to think of a retort but wasn't doing too well. "There's always truth or dare," he looked from me to Carly and back again.
I wasn't exactly sure what to say. Last time we played truth or dare, not only had Freddie admitted to me that he knew about the list, but I had realized I had more than friendly feelings for him, so it's not like the game and I had the best track record.
"Fine with me," I shrugged, as if I hadn't just had a minor mental freak out. Carly didn't know either of those things and Freddie only knew about one half of them, and I wasn't about to go around letting out all of my secrets in one night. Or ever, preferably.
Carly nodded, "I think that's a good idea."
"Now, Carls, no need to stretch the truth just to make him feel good about himself."
"You better be glad it's your birthday right now," she said in an attempt at a mildly threatening tone that was all too Carly.
"I'm thrilled," I grinned back at her, not too rudely, since I knew she wasn't totally furious.
"Since it's your birthday, do you want to start?" Carly asked, obviously not too put off by my teasing of Freddie.
"I'd love to. Carly, truth or dare?"
"Truth." As predicted.
"Um, have you ever stolen anything?"
There was a pause. "Well… when I was in third grade, I really needed a pencil because mine broke and the girl sitting next to me lent me one, and I never returned it."
"Wow, someone's quite the rebel," I teased her with a laugh.
"I was going to apologize but by the time I saw her again it just seemed too late to do so and I couldn't bear to make things even more awkward!"
"Carls, calm down, it's okay," I reassured her.
"I know, I just… I feel icky about it."
"There's no reason to feel icky. You're a better person than everyone but Ghandi, I'm pretty sure."
"You really think so?" she smiled.
"I really think so. Now go, kid, it's your turn!"
"Oh right," she looked around and bit her lip. "Freddie, truth or dare?"
"Truth." So lame, I tell you. Both of them.
"What's your worst class?"
I rolled my eyes, they were so boring.
"Spanish."
"But you and Sam speak in random Spanish all of the time!"
"Si, but you asked what my worst class is. I have an A-."
"Wow, someone's dumb," I snorted, since obviously he was the opposite.
"It could be worse," he shrugged. "Sam, truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"Uhhh… I dare you to see how many rocks you can pick up without any of them falling off of the pile."
"Ugh, effort, Benson. You're making me put in effort." But even as I said it, I was getting up.
"You're the one who chose dare."
"Meh meh meh meh meh meh," I stuck out my tongue mockingly. "But fine. Because I'm not boring like you two, I'll go do it."
Walking away, I started searching for rocks to collect, picking them up and attempting not to let any fall, which was, unfortunately, trickier than anticipated. I managed 12 and then dropped them, so I tried one more time and then collected more. "I got 14, which is definitely some sort of record, so-" I looked around in confusion. "Where'd Freddie go?"
"To get his sweater."
"Oh," I shrugged, dropping the rocks and sighing nonchalantly, moving to sit next to Carly. "At least you were there to witness my dare."
"And you did an excellent job," she pushed a piece of hair away from my face and I found myself smiling. I missed these quiet moments I spent with my best friend.
"Hey, Sam?" she was definitely hesitant about something, which I couldn't figure out, and it worried me a little bit.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something, like a truth question?"
"But it's not even your turn to ask something yet, silly."
"I know, but-" she looked around and it was obvious she wanted to ask it without Freddie there. Why she wanted to beats me. What could possibly be so secretive or important?
"Okay, yes, fine, go ahead."
She let out a large sigh. "Remember how, when we were talking about our first kisses, you told Freddie and me about yours, but then after the whole incident on iCarly when you lied to protect Freddie, you told me you weren't really lying?"
"Yeah…" I didn't like where this was going.
"Well," she was so nervous when she asked things she felt like she shouldn't. "I was just wondering, if, um who… I was wondering who your real first kiss was."
My face turned pink and that was rare, but luckily it was dark and the fire was casting an orange glow on us anyway. I swallowed. What was I supposed to say? We swore to never speak of it again, and I was more than okay with that plan.
"Um, my first kiss was with-" As I was trying to think of an answer, I heard he crunching of leaves and looked up to see the third member of our camping trip approaching. "Freddie, hey-" I went to great him, when suddenly I heard a large gasp of surprise.
"Freddie? Your first kiss was with Freddie?" Kill me now.
"Carly, calm down, I was just greeting him, I never said that-"
Unfortunately the boy in question had heard her inquiry. "How did you know that we-"
I shot him a look that could probably have burned two holes right through him.
There was silence for a moment and then suddenly Carly jumped up.
"May someone please explain? Did you or did you not kiss each other?"
"We didn't-" I started, but at the same time Freddie mumbled something incoherent, and Carly looked between us with dismay.
"Please don't lie to me. You can't both be telling the truth."
"Fine, do you want the truth?" I stood up angrily, looking between them. "Then here it is: Freddie and I kissed." There was another gasp from Carly, but I ignored it. "It wasn't some huge romantic thing, it was both of our first ones, and we just did it to get it over with. No one was supposed to know, and, in fact, we were never supposed to speak of it again, but obviously we both failed miserably at that. Now while you process this information, I'm going for a walk."
Leaving Carly and Freddie to stand there awkwardly with this news, I stormed off into the forest, my mind spinning and just generally feeling quite uncomfortable. I didn't want this. No one was supposed to know. Even Freddie agreed we wouldn't tell anyone. I didn't blame him; after all, who would want to admit their first kiss was with Sam Puckett?
I kicked a rock in front of my foot, and luckily it didn't hurt too much.
This wasn't supposed to happen. I hated that our secret got out – one of my three largest, at that – but now there was nothing I could do about it. Carly would probably mock me forever. What if they figured out my feelings? They wouldn't. They couldn't.
With a huff, I found I'd reached another clearing a little ways away from our campsite and plopped down, picking some grass and chucking it uselessly, as if it would help me release my aggression. What if he was standing over there telling her about my list? Would he do that to me? I liked to think he wouldn't, but I couldn't be certain.
Days could have passed before anything changed, but I'm pretty sure it was just over ten minutes before any sounds disrupted my thoughts. Not that I was ever good at keeping track of time, anyway.
There was a noise that sounded like a faint knocking on a tree nearby and I sat up, turning around to see none other than Freddie Benson standing in a slightly timid stance close behind me. I didn't know what to say.
"Hey." This whole one of us sitting alone brooding about something related to kissing and the other one coming over to chat seemed all too familiar.
"Hey," he started. "Mind if I sit with you?"
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"Thanks." There was a break in our conversation and silence took over as he moved to sit next to me, leaves crunching under him.
There were several more moments of silence, and we both gazed ahead.
"I'm sorry." His voice was relatively quiet. "I'm sorry for saying it even when I shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that she knew anything."
"Is she freaking out?"
"No. I mean, yeah, she did a little bit, but I confirmed that what you said was true and that we hadn't just made out and not told her, so I think she's accepting it just fine by now." He shrugged.
"And you came here because…?" I wasn't exactly in the mood to talk to the nub, especially not if we were just going to discuss what happened and how Carly felt about it.
He let out a sigh, though I swear I could see the hint of a smile on his face in the corner of my eye.
"I just wanted to see how you were doing, I guess."
"Well Mrs. Benson, as much as I enjoy that, I'm a big girl. In case you didn't know, I am 17 today."
"I did know that, and I especially wanted to apologize for ruining your birthday."
"You didn't ruin my birthday," I mumbled, toeing a rock and then pulling my legs to my chest.
There was another pause. As if we hadn't had enough of those recently.
"You know," I saw him turn to me, but I kept looking ahead. "For the girl who just had her largest secret accidentally revealed by me to her best friend, you're being awfully forgiving."
"Would you prefer it if I punched you?" That's not my largest secret.
"No," he chuckled, shaking his head. I turned to look at him, too, turning my legs so they were folded against the ground.
The moon was the only light on us since the campfire was a little ways away, and there was a slight breeze, but it wasn't super cold or anything.
I nodded in recognition of his comment and shrugged. "Well luckily for you, I'm not in the punching mood."
Swallowing again, I looked at him. How was it that I was in love with this nub? He had just let out one of my three largest secrets, and right now, I didn't even have the will to get mad at him for it. Nope, instead I was sitting here in the moonlight with him as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
"I still can't believe it," he said, and I looked up and met his gaze.
"Believe what?"
"That you were my first kiss. That we were each other's."
"Is that a bad thing?" I cocked my head, hoping he didn't say yes. Unfortunately I had enough feelings that would not be happy if he said he hated it.
"No, no, not at all. In fact it was rather… nice. I just- You've never liked me, and we are friends, but more because of Carly, since I'm fairly sure if she wasn't around then you wouldn't have paid attention to me rather than to throw me against a locker or something, and yet, recently, we've actually seemed a lot closer, but I don't know…"
"Do you think I hate you?"
"No. I don't know what to think, honestly."
"Hm."
"You're a good friend, even if an unexpected one. And our kiss was nice even if no one was supposed to know about it. I think you're a better person than you give yourself credit for."
I wasn't sure what to do. Most people didn't speak to me so honestly, and especially not in a nice way. I had this huge urge to- no, I couldn't do that. Then he would obviously know my feelings. But we were sitting so close… No, Sam, stop. Don't let the fact that you love this boy mess with your mind. Ugh, but it already has.
"I, um, thanks?"
He chuckled and for some annoying reason, I found it cute. "You really don't do well with this nice conversation thing, do you?"
"Hey, don't be mean to me, Benson, it's my birthday."
He threw up his hands as if in resignation, "you're right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The nostalgia was continuing since now he was apologizing, and yet I couldn't let myself think back to that night, because it was only urging me to do what I really wanted to do. It's not as if I had anything to lose at this point. Why not let him know all three of my secrets? The third one did involve him, after all. But no, I couldn't. "I never meant to let out your big secret. I mean, I know you have another one, and I swear never to mention that, but I figure this was your biggest because-"
"Will you stop saying that?"
"What? Saying what?" He was clearly confused, and for good reason, I guess.
"Calling the fact that we shared our first kiss my biggest secret."
"Is it not? I didn't think you list was that big of a deal but I-"
"That's not my biggest secret, either." Sam, what are you doing? Stop this. Stop it right now, or you're only going to land yourself in more trouble. The funny thing was, I never cared about getting into trouble.
He glanced at me curiously. "Then what is?" As I watched him, I saw him raise his eyebrows in the same way he had the night we sat out on the fire escape together. I wasn't sure why he did that, it made it seem like he was trying to read my mind and check me out all at once, but I knew he wasn't doing that, or at least not the latter. But dear chizz, was it attractive. I was already in so deep and I didn't know what to do about it. His question repeating in my mind, I suddenly felt as if none of it mattered. Not that our secret got out, not that I didn't like him but loved him at the same time, not that he would likely go and tell Carly about this, too. None of it.
Instead I found that holding back and not doing what I so wanted to right now sounded like an even worse idea. It was my birthday and so I figure I was allowed to do what I wanted, anyway, even if that was just my way of trying to justify the crazy idea in my brain.
Without letting too many seconds slip away, I suddenly stopped thinking about it, leaned forward, and kissed him.
I kissed Freddie Benson.
Kissed him.
And not because we were trying to get our first kisses out of the way, not because I was dared to or was trying to prove any point. I did it because I wanted to, and that thought in itself it utterly frightening.
But there we were, sitting next to each other in a forest clearing, and I'd leaned in and kissed him, and now I was leaning in a bit more, and my hand drifted up to his shoulder. I didn't think he was kissing me back, but he wasn't drawing away, either, and I was so surprised that I'd done it I couldn't really tell. Maybe he was, though I doubted it. Clearly I was just fooling myself.
The situation finally sinking in, I drew away and let go of his shoulder, staring at him dumbfounded. He wasn't doing much better.
"Ummm…" he mumbled.
"Oh crab," I whispered, my eyes widening as I realized what I'd done. "I- I'm sorry."
"No, don't be. It's, it's fine," he was clearly trying to understand what was going on.
"We should, um," I cleared my throat. "We should probably get back to the camp. Have a long car ride ahead of us tomorrow, and all."
"Uh, yeah, I think that's a good idea." He met my gaze and I nearly shied away under it, but I managed to hold it. He stood up, brushing off his pants, and held his hand out to me.
There was a pause, but finally I accepted it and let him pull me up. It was a good thing, too, because I found that I was feeling a little weak right now, as lame as that is.
The walk back to the camp was quiet, and once we got there, I found Carly'd already fallen asleep in our tent. Saying a somewhat awkward goodnight to Freddie, he wished me the same and told me happy birthday, and let me know that, this time, he actually wouldn't say anything unless he knew I'd told someone. I thanked him and that was that.
Before I fell asleep, I found myself thinking back to what had just happened. The kiss hadn't really been bad at all, and while we were kissing – or, more likely, I was kissing him, since I still couldn't figure out if he'd responded or not – things hadn't been awkward. It was only awkward afterward when we had to face the fact that I'd just kissed him.
I had kissed Freddie Benson. On my birthday. In the woods. Let me repeat that I had kissed Freddie Benson. Again. Because I was in love with him. Only he didn't know that part yet, though he might've had a suspicion at this point. What was this world coming to?
On the ride back, things weren't too awkward because Carly was fairly talkative again, and she didn't seem to notice that Freddie and I weren't saying much to each other. The fact that he was driving and Carly and I were sitting in the back also helped, because we didn't have to look at each other and make things more uncomfortable.
Saying I thought it would be best if I just went back to my house and unpacked, Carly and Freddie dropped me off on the way to their apartment building. I thanked both of them, because it really had been a fun trip and a very fun birthday, even if I'd done something really horrible that I didn't need to think about right now. Then I continued into my house and trudged up the stairs, my mom nowhere to be found.
Instead of unpacking like I said I was going to, I pushed my mirror out of the way and pulled down the sheet of paper that hung behind it, searching around my room until I found a pencil.
Under the spot that read: April 3rd, 2010: My First Visit to Freddie's Apartment, I added a new first.
April 17th, 2010: My First Camping Trip (with Carly and Freddie. It was… interesting).
Then, looking at it, I let out a sigh and got up off my bed and stuck it to the wall again, readjusting my mirror.
I was pretty sure I was still in a state of shock.
I kissed Freddie.
Kissed him.
Again.
And this time all because I was in love with him.
How was I ever supposed to live with myself after this?
Thank you for reading this chapter, and I'd really love it if you reviewed it too! xD
Soooooo... SAM KISSED FREDDIE!
Heehee, I've been waiting so long for this moment, and I have a feeling that perhaps some of you were looking forward to it, as well. Hopefully I did it justice!
Please tell me what you think, and thanks again for reading My List of Firsts!
PS I reply to every reviewer who I can PM, though I have a lot going on right now, but I promise I'll get to them soon. :)