How to rule your kingdom:
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Erik was massaging his temples, trying to mitigate the biting pain of a raging headache.
For the past two hours he had been forced to listen to a pair of farmers argue about who owned the rights to a piece of land.
However, what was truly causing the recently ascended god all the pain and trouble was the fact that neither of them wanted it, yet both contested it as theirs and wanted to keep it from the other person.
The parcel of farmland was a swampy chunk of rotting earth that belched fumes of toxic gas once a month. Nothing grew, not even Purple Moss! The footing to get to the chunk of land was hazardous, with potholes and sharp thorned briars ringing the border between the toxic region and the healthy area.
And yet it lay between two farms, and neither farmer wanted to give it up despite all its problems.
And so, their petty feud had gone to local court. Then kept on rising until it was pushed off onto the highest authority's lap to deal with.
"Stop," Erik commanded, halting the farmers incessant yammering before it could become a fist fight between the two of them. Again.
At his command the two peas anted ceased talking and turned to the new lord and master of Drangleic.
"It is clear to me that you don't want the land, but neither do you want the other person to have it. As such, the only clear option is to give it to a third party, where they will deal with it," Erik said firmly, his godly voice booming over the throne room. He jabbed his finger at the pair of feuding farmers and they quailed under his annoyed gaze.
"The land is hereby confiscated, and turned over to the kingdom of Drangleic. It is now royal property. And I issue a decree stating that anyone who trespasses in that parcel of royal territory will become the new owner of the land. That'll be punishment enough for them," Erik declared, the last words earning a muffled chuckle from one of his guards.
The two farmers bowed deeply and began to utter their thanks but the God of Unity waved them off. They were escorted out of the throne room and as the doors closed the former chef could finally relax.
"I just don't understand some people," Erik groused, and he slumped in his gilded gold and titanite throne. "For one thing, why would anyone want to build a farm near the run-off zone from the Gutter? And why would they hate another person so much that they would want to keep a poisoned patch of land out of their hands just for spite?"
"It's the principle of the matter," the guard stationed to the left of his throne stated.
Aslatiel shifted a bit, still getting used to not wearing his Mirrahian armor, and instead wearing the new uniform of a demi-god. Though he was glad he got to keep his battle-coat. That thing was a snazzy piece of defense.
"Things like that happened in Mirrah all the time. It's about the amount of land for some farmers, rather than the use of it. Especially when the area is fallow or blighted, the only pride some men can take from what they own is how much of it they have," Aslatiel explained to his lord.
"I see. Still, I'm going to have to find a way to keep issues like that from ever getting this high in the court system. Another thing to add to the redesign of the legal code," Erik grumbled.
His guard to the right of the throne let out a boisterous laugh. "You could just say 'Screw it, it's your problem now,' and leave everything to a steward for a while."
"That's how kingdoms like Lindelt got started, Benhart," Erik argued. "The gods who were supposed to lead and guide got bored of being everyone's babysitter and just left it to humans to rule themselves. The stewards named themselves 'kings' after a few generations, and when the gods didn't punish them for assuming more and more power their newfound authority went to their heads. I'm not going to let that happen in this cycle. It will be hard, grueling, thankless work, but I shall not abandon these people."
"And that's why we stand at your side, my lord," Aslatiel said firmly. "We care about everyone, especially the lowborn."
"Plus, you promised us we could leave your service if you ever forgot these oaths you've taken," Benhart reminded. The knight from Jugo smiled fondly at the younger man. "But I doubt that will happen. You're too much of a nice guy to leave people to fend for themselves when you could help."
"Thanks," Erik said, touched by their kindness.
Further introspection was cut off when the doors to the throne room slammed open and Shanalotte stormed in. Several of the merely mortal guards outside looked apologetic at the intrusion.
"Honey…?" Erik began, but was cut off when the heterochromatic woman shoved a baby into his lap.
"Here. Watch Rosaria for me. I have a spa date with Mytha, Chloanne, and Rosabeth," the wife of the God of Unity declared, bags under her eyes and hair mussed up and tangled.
"Uh…"
"Thanks, love you, bye!"
And with that Shanalotte left as quick as she came, and Erik stared befuddled at the cute baby in his hands. The tiny lifeform of pure cuteness yawned and opened her eyes before smiling happily at her father.
She then immediately began crying, and Erik looked on helplessly at the wailing child.
"Wh-what do I do? Is she hurt?" He asked in a panic. Benhart rolled his eyes and took the baby from his lord and began to shush and rock her softly. Her screams faded and she cooed happily at the bearded demi-god.
"Sometimes they want attention, sometimes they want food, sometimes is a whole host of different reasons," Benhart stated. "I had several sons and daughters at home before I was cursed with undeath. And they all loved being rocked gently like this."
"You know, a part of me is kind of glad Rosabeth and I cannot have children," Aslatiel mused. He had taken the Pyromancer of Melfia as his wife not long ago, and she had been made Erik's Court Sorceress not long after. Even if flames were her specialty she still had been the top student of one of the greatest sages of the land, and knew all about Sorcery from Carhillion.
"She wants to adopt, though, and I'm trying to get her to pick a kid who's old enough not to need constant attention," Aslatiel stated when he saw the looks his two companions were giving him. "We're too busy right now trying to keep the entire kingdom running in our respective ways to dedicate much time to a newborn like she wants. Maybe in a century or two when the land is more stable."
The former sword master of Mirrah blinked before shaking his head, bemused. "And I never thought I would start measuring time in centuries rather than years and decades!"
"Being immortal is going to take some getting used to," Benhart agreed, passing Rosaria back to her father. She was happier now and Erik gladly took her and began to play by making faces.
"Personally, I don't know if I could stand to adopt a child, knowing I will outlive them without fail. Well, unless I get killed in battle or something. Still, that seems something far too cruel to go through, to myself and to any child."
Erik nodded sadly. The idea of his daughter dying before him scared the new god more than anything. At least his friends he had made in Drangleic would all live long and prosperous lives beside him. Those who were not full gods had all been made Demi-gods, even Gilligan!
"So, who wants lunch?" Erik asked, standing from his throne. "I want to see if the new chefs I've hired for the castle have managed to make a few more of Donovan's dishes?"
"Always thinking of food, aren't you?" Benhart chuckled.
"You're just hoping they messed up so you can step in and do some cooking!" Aslatiel accused with a laugh.
"Gah-bah-pth!" Rosaria burbled.
Erik looked down meekly at the floor. "Am I really that transparent?"
"YES!" Everyone, even his regular human servants, shouted at him.
The God of Unity's shoulders slumped. And everyone shared a laugh at his expense. Just like old times!
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Author's Note:
Here's the second Omake! I will post two more of them here: One for DS1, and one for Bloodborne. After that, they'll all go straight to the Omake story.
Also, my Nier: Automata story is now up as well! Introducing Nier: Automata [(RE)Birth]! What happens when the world is empty, and your reason for living was a lie? Find a new reason. Or, perhaps if fate is willing, an old purpose. 2B, 9S, and A2 now have to discover their own truths in a world following the rise and fall of the Tower. And, they have a special companion at their side.