Dimitri's eyes were terrifying as he quickly sized up the situation. While he said nothing, his fury was evident. Gesturing for Eddie to again sit and push the shutter up with his feet, my Russian God grabbed my arms and yanked me through the window opening. Immediately discarding me like a sack of moldy potatoes on the dirt behind him, he lay down on his stomach, looking at the metal shutter Eddie had propped open with his feet.
Dimitri was studying the mechanism on the still in place right-hand shutter before he reached in and pushed the left-hand shutter upward, back toward the ceiling. There was the softest of clicks, and the metal shutter was back resting alongside the adjacent screen, with no clue it had been dislodged.
Looking at the pane of glass, there was an obvious smear where I'd used my head to push it open when I'd attempted my escape. Grabbing a handful of dirt, Dimitri lightly rubbed it across the inside of the windowpane, in a bid to make it dirty again. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than an obvious dust-free stripe thanks to my hair. With a final look inside the bathroom, he carefully lowered the window frame and jerked his head toward the house in a wordless gesture for us to get moving.
The whole time we were walking, he said nothing. I sneaked a timid look as we approached the back door, but immediately wished I hadn't. Dimitri was absolutely seething. While he had a better handle on his temper than Alto or my mother, I had no doubt the fallout from this was going to be monumental.
Following my enraged Russian God into the house and through to the library, Eddie and I knew we were about to cop it.
"Eddie didn't know," I offered before Dimitri had a chance to say anything. "I told him to meet me outside to train at 11.30. He was looking for me when he found me stuck."
It wasn't fair to drag Eddie into this. He hadn't done anything wrong, and there was a good chance I'd be expelled or possibly even charged, I now appreciated.
"Really?" Dimitri gave me a careful look before turning his eyes upon Eddie.
"Yes Guardian Belikov," Eddie muttered staring at the ground. I knew it absolutely killed him not to admit he'd known I was up to something, but I'm glad self-preservation had won out. He wouldn't have been able to stop me, so it wasn't fair he be punished for my recklessness.
"Go upstairs to your room. We'll talk later," Dimitri ordered him through gritted teeth.
The two of us stood in silence as Eddie departed. I didn't dare say anything more than I already had. When Dimitri finally spoke, it wasn't with a roar like I'd expected. It was almost a whisper. But if anything, that was worse.
"Do you have any idea of the damage you've probably caused?! Her Majesty is invested in this mission. She gave her word to the Alchemists that we would not intrude on them in any way. So what do you do?! You break into their building!"
I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes. I knew the disappointment I would see there. Instead, I stared at his hands – seeing them shake as he tried to control his temper.
"Fuck, Rose. You might have jeopardized this entire operation. If they discover you broke in, your Guardian career is over. And it won't just be you who'll go down. Your Mom? Alto? Me? As the Guardians in charge here, we'll all be held accountable. What the hell did you think you were doing?! Did you just wake up this morning and think 'hey – I'm going to break into an Alchemist facility?'"
I didn't say anything, instead moving my eyes to regard Dimitri's polished size thirteen combat boots.
"I asked you a question, Rose!" Dimitri bellowed, demanding an answer. It was the first time he'd raised his voice to me with that degree of anger.
"I just wanted to see what it was like inside," I lied pathetically.
"What? Once wasn't enough?! I thought you were smarter than this! How could you do something so stupid, Rose? So irresponsible?! You get upset when your mother treats you like a child, but then you go and act like one! Maybe she's right about you? Maybe you're not mature enough to be trusted on a mission like this! You tell me you're ready to take your place in our world. To give everything to guard Vasilisa, and then you pull a stunt like this. Do you think they'll let you be her Guardian if this gets out? Do you think they'll let you be a Guardian at all? I've told you before – there are no second chances. As a Guardian, your reputation is everything."
My eyes flicked to his, tears streaming down my face. I'd stuffed up. I knew it. Like so many things in my life, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. I looked into my lover's deep brown eyes, and all I could see was anger and contempt.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Sorry? Sorry? Rose this isn't being late to a training session. You've put everyone here in danger. What about Eddie? Meredith? I thought they were your friends? But you're happy to ruin their careers alongside your own! You heard your mother. We're here as representatives of our world. Failure is not an option! What do you think would have happened if you'd been caught?"
"I didn't mean… I mean, I didn't think…"
"Didn't think? No shit! This isn't a game, Rose. You don't get to wander around wreaking havoc and then hope for the best. What you do affects other people. It affects me. I've invested a lot of my time in you. How do you expect me to trust you after this?" He paused and looked at me for a moment before he continued, his voice barely a whisper. "How do you expect me to love you? We're meant to be partners, Rose. You're supposed to be the one I can trust above all others. You're meant to have my back, not sneak around causing mayhem and putting us all at risk. I thought you were better than this. Clearly, I was wrong."
I flinched beneath his furious words - a relentless series of tiny daggers embedding themselves in my heart. I chanced another look at him, and there was no softness or love in his eyes. The anger had gone, too. In fact, all that I could see was his disgust and regret, both of which were directed at me.
"I am sorry, Dimitri," I said, reaching out to try and touch him.
He recoiled and stepped back, pulling himself out of my reach.
"Get out of my sight, Novice Hathaway. I don't even want to see you right now," he said coldly.
I shivered, but nodded, leaving the library and walking upstairs to my room. Unlocking the door, I didn't know whether to start packing my things or just lie there. In the end, I decided I wasn't up to doing anything, so I closed the curtains and changed into pajamas before throwing myself onto the bed, covering myself with the blankets and weeping.
I'd been crying for hours when there was a tentative knock at the door. I didn't answer, but a moment later I heard the door open.
"Rose? You didn't come down for lunch or dinner. You must be hungry?"
It was Meredith, and by the smell of it, she had food with her. I opened my mouth to thank her, but I was unable to get anything out. My voice was too hoarse from all the crying. I tried again.
"Where is everyone?" I managed to croak out, not opening my eyes.
"Eddie is in his room. Guardian Belikov is in the library. I saved you some dinner," she said. I heard her move some things from my bedside and put something down before switching on the bedside lamp.
I rolled over on my bed and opened my eyes. There was a tray with a bowl of stew, a plate with thick sliced bread with butter, and a large glass of juice. I grabbed the latter and chugged it down eagerly, the tartness of the orange juice stinging my dry, sore throat.
"Did you want to talk about it?" Meredith asked, giving me a sympathetic look.
Vlad knows what she knew of what had happened. And even if she had heard what had transpired, I didn't know myself what the full fallout was going to be. I'd never seen Dimitri look at me with such contempt. Usually, even when he was exasperated or annoyed with me, I could see affection lurking in the back of his eyes. But something about the way he'd looked at me in the library had seemed so… final.
"No," I muttered, sitting up in bed and trying not to look at Meredith with my swollen, puffy eyes.
"Eat and try to sleep," she said kindly. "My Mom says everything looks better after a good night's rest."
I nodded robotically, attempting a smile that I suspect ended up looking more like a grimace. With a final supportive squeeze of my hand, Meredith took her leave, closing my door behind her.
I sat the tray on my lap, looking at the large bowl of stew. I wasn't even remotely hungry, but I hoped a full belly would help me fall asleep, so I lifted the first spoonful to my lips. It was still warm, but not hot. However it tasted great, and after the first couple of mouthfuls, I found getting it down no struggle.
Alternating between spoonfuls of stew and bites of homemade bread, I started to let my mind drift to the future. When Dimitri told my mother, my time here would undoubtedly be over. Mom was unforgiving about even the smallest dereliction of Guardian duty. If she knew I'd broken into the Alchemist's residence, she'd kick me off this mission without any hesitation. Hell, she'd probably draft the documents herself to have me charged with treason!
While I knew that should be the biggest of my worries, my mind kept coming back to Dimitri. I didn't think that there would be any coming back from this. I kept running over what he'd said in my mind. He hadn't stated that he was breaking up with me, but it sure had sounded that way. He'd asked how could I expect him to love me, and that was basically the same thing.
Suddenly unable to eat, I put the almost empty bowl and plate back onto the tray and placed the whole thing back onto my bedside. Even though the room was relatively warm, I couldn't help the shiver that ran through me. Switching off the light, I lay back down in bed, closing my eyes and trying to think of anything other than the inescapable conclusion that not only was my Guardian career over, my relationship with Dimitri was, too. With one stupid, reckless, ill-conceived action I had cost myself the two things that mattered to me most – my ability to protect Lissa, and the love of my Russian God.
Desperate to escape my thoughts for a while, I slipped into Lissa's head. It was 10 pm Saturday where she was. I found her sitting at the breakfast table in the Ozera house, sipping coffee with Christian and Tasha. Ugh. Like my day wasn't bad enough, I had to see scarface! The three of them were chatting, talking about nothing consequential when Tasha's phone rang. Lissa's eyes dropped to the phone where it was sitting on the table, to see 'Dimka' flash up on the screen.
There was no misunderstanding the excited smile that decorated Tasha's actually rather pretty face as she picked up the phone.
"Dimka" she cooed happily. She listened for a moment before replying.
"Don't be silly. I didn't expect you to call – I know it must be busy where you are! But it's nice to know you're thinking about me." Yes, she was flirting, and laying it on thick. "You sound flat. What's up?"
She listened again, making the occasional supportive noise before an excited smile spread across her countenance.
"It's ok, you don't have to go into specifics," she grinned triumphantly. "Sometimes it's not about logic, Dimka. If your heart is telling you something, you need to listen to it."
Tasha had a very tender expression on her face as she listened to whatever Dimitri was saying again. I couldn't bear to hear any more. It had been bad enough wondering if Dimitri didn't love me anymore. Hearing him ring Tasha to discuss moving on nearly broke me. I wrenched myself from Lissa's head, tears starting anew. And for another hour I lay there dreading what tomorrow would bring.
My crying had all but burnt itself when I heard the others saying their goodnights and climbing the stairs to bed. I saw the thin band of light from under the door extinguish as someone turned off the stairway light. Probably Dimitri. He was usually the last one to bed.
Lying in my bed, I couldn't get warm. I knew it wasn't the temperature. I was literally filled with dread. I lay there for an hour, and then another - begging sleep to take me. But, of course, as so often happens the more I hoped for the oblivion of repose the more elusive it proved to be. I was still tossing and turning when I appreciated that as soon as my Mom got back tomorrow, I'd probably be shipped off to wherever it was she was going to banish me. There'd be no chance to talk to Dimitri – and more than anything I wanted to tell him I really was sorry. That I loved him, and to thank him for believing in me when no one else did. And rightly so, as it turned out.
Slipping out of my bed before I had a chance to reconsider I silently opened my door, checking the deserted corridor before padding down the stairs, onto the landing and then back up the stairs to the guys' side of the house.
The first door I came to was Dimitri's. I wasn't sure if he slept with his door locked, but I guess I was about to find out. I turned the handle, opening the door quietly and slipping into his room. It was brighter than I expected, but only because of a nearly full moon and the fact his blinds were open. In the moonlight, I could see him lying on his side on the single bed. It couldn't be comfortable for a man his size to be sleeping in such a small space, but his eyes were closed, and he appeared to be asleep.
I stood and stared at him for a minute; admiring the long dark lashes that graced his cheeks, the muscled forearm resting on top of the dark quilt. The quilt was the one from his dorm room, I noticed absently. The same one he'd cuddled me beneath when we'd watched DVDs.
I crept across to the bed, reaching out to touch him. I rested my hand on his shoulder and the tension I felt there confirmed what I'd been beginning to suspect. He wasn't asleep.
Stroking his shoulder, I waited to give him a chance to say anything he might want to. But as the silence stretched between us, I decided to say my piece and leave.
"I'm sorry, Comrade. I know I fucked up and there's no coming back from this. I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you, and no matter what happens after this, that's never going to change."
I gave his shoulder a final loving squeeze, before I lifted my hand from him, starting to spin toward the door, barely able to see the doorframe thanks to the tears trickling down my face.
Quicker than lightning his hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. I turned back to him and waited. There was nothing for a moment, and then he moved back slightly on the bed, dropping my wrist to lift up the bedcovers. He didn't open his eyes to look at me, but the invitation was clear enough. He was inviting me to lie in bed with him.
I didn't wait to be asked twice. I slipped into bed next to my love, whimpering as he positioned one arm for me to use as a pillow, the other covering me with his quilt before wrapping around my waist. He didn't say a word, but slowly the tension left his body, as it did mine. Cuddled in against his chest as we lay facing one another on the tiny single bed, I allowed myself one soft kiss against his sleep TShirt. He didn't respond, other than tightening his grip on me, but it was enough. Even if this were his way of saying goodbye, I'd take it. And so with a sad smile on my face, I let him cuddle me to sleep.
I woke to find my love's cheek resting on top of my head. He was snoring ever so softly, and when I wiggled back a little to observe his face, he was frowning. But his arms were still around me, and he groaned a little and mumbled 'Roza' in his sleep when I leaned up and gave him a lingering kiss on the stubbled underside of his jaw.
I lay there looking at him for another couple of minutes until I thought I heard movement outside in the house. Carefully extricating myself from my beloved's arms I slipped out of bed, smoothing his hair back from his face and taking a final loving look before going to stand behind the door listening carefully. I stayed there for a couple of minutes and hearing nothing I opened the door an inch and peered out into limited part of the hallway I could see. All clear.
Stepping out into the hallway, I carefully closed Dimitri's door behind me. It was just past 5 am. No one would be up. But as I turned to cross the landing to my own bedroom, I saw that I was wrong. Eddie had stepped out of the guy's bathroom and was standing down the other end of the hallway looking at me in horror as I sneaked out of my Russian God's bedroom. It was clear he'd witnessed my illicit escape.
Because my life wasn't fucked up enough already.